A/N: OK I need to apologize sort of sixty million times over, but I had got myself into a rut with the first take of this and had totally strayed from where the story was supposed to be heading. I blame it on late night writing sessions while sort of halucinating with tonsilitis. So please forgive me and don't let it put you off reviewing because I don't want to post anymore if people are mad at me for starting again so if you do want me to post the rest of the fixed story please review!

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time;
It's like a river that seems so wide,
It swallows you whole.

While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't change,
And worrying about all the wrong things;
Time's flying by;
Moving so fast;
You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back.

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand;
What you've been out there searching for forever,
Is in your hands.

When you figure out love is all that matters after all,
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small.

"You know what? I don't give a fuck! I can't spend another second in this place!" Blair yelled at him as she began throwing things haphazardly into one of the cases she'd dug up.

"Good! Maybe I can't stand you anymore!" Nate shouted. "It was your idea we moved here in the first place and so what if I like it?"

Blair scowled at him as she zipped her case, everything would need ironing when she got to Manhattan but that's what maids are for. "You don't like it here," she muttered, "you just like the platinum blond beach clones."

"What?" Nate asked indignantly.

"You heard what I said!" Blair said defensivley as she continued to pack.

"You think I…"

Blair stopped packing and turned in anger. "I know you did. I saw you and whatever the fuck her name is from your office, the one with the cheap knock-off louboutins."

"Oh my God Blair, you don't trust me! We are never going to work if things keep playing out like this! What should we like move to Denali so there's nobody else around? Or should we just finish?" There was a long silence, Blair had her back to him. He was pretty sure she was crying, her shoulders were in that stance that he recognized all too well. He knew he should take her in his arms and tell her about how they'd kissed but the girl had initiated it and tell her about how the whole three seconds all he could think about was Blair and how he knew everything would work between them because he loved her. But he didn't make any move towards her.

"Maybe it's a good thing you're happy here."

"Maybe it is, why don't you just go back to New York and find someone else to be this possessive over. Maybe he could put up with it." Nate said looking away as Blair turned back to the room, he didn't want to see if he'd made her cry, he knew he was out of line.

She was careful not to touch him as she brushed past. "And maybe I'd actually love him." she said poisonously.

He heard her Jimmy Choo flip flops thwack down the marble stairs of their Beverly Hills home.

"I'll call from New York," she called as she opened the door.

Of course; she never called.

"You have to tell him." Serena bit her lip, sure she was about to received a verbal beating. Blair nodded pensively. "Are you OK?" Serena squeezed Blair's arm. Her best-friend was taking this a lot worse than Serena could ever have imagined. Blair nodded again, staring into the full cup of coffee.

"What if he…." Blair trailed off running her finger around the rim of the cup.

"What if he didn't mean what he said? What if he's ready to forgive and forget? You know he loves you too." Serena let her head fall against Blair's and squeezed her best friend tight.

"He meant what he said."

Serena sighed, she was almost regretting coming to Blair's apartment now. But Blair had called her in tears and Serena had come over despite her and Dan's plans to take Heidi, their five-year-old, to visit Rufus in Brooklyn. She'd arrived to find Blair crying hysterically and holding out a pregnancy test with the little tell-tale blue line.

"Blair come on; Nate loves you more than anything. You're being a fool. I bet if you called him right now he would pick up in an instant."

"You weren't there Serena it really is over," a tear trickled down Blair's face.

"You can fix it, you always do," Serena began but Blair was shaking her head.

"He said we could never make it work, and he's right. How could we be parents? We'd argue over everything; boy or girl, the diaper brand, which nanny…"

"Manhattan or California?" Serena slyly added in. Blair nodded.

"Don't you think Nate would be back here in a blink if you told him you were pregnant?"

"You didn't see him Serena. You don't understand. Everything's over, it's not like before. We both said stuff/"

"You both said stuff neither of you meant," Serena finished Blair's sentence.

"He meant it." There was another long pause. In which Serena drained her cup of coffee. Blair hadn't even touched her own.

"Are you keeping the baby?" She asked in a small voice, unsure if she really wanted to ask. Blair just shrugged.

"It's probably for the best? Right?" Blair looked at Serena for affirmation, "I mean it's kinder than giving it a mother like me." Blair looked into the black hole of her coffee again broodingly. Serena wrapped her arms around Blair.

"Any baby would be lucky to have you as a mom," Serena kissed her head.

Blair rolled her eyes sarcastically.

"Um Blair? You realize you look after Heidi way way way better than Dan or I? Like waiting to cross the street and watching her every move at the park and you always make me change her when she gets in a mess? Dan and I manage and quite frankly you put us to shame and you don't even have kids," Serena smiled at Blair, "yet."

"So you think I should… have it?" Blair screwed her face up slightly.

"I think you should think really hard and then call Nate after you made your mind up and tell him your decision, don't let him influence you, OK?" Blair nodded.

"But I need to decide!"

"Good luck, I need to be in Brooklyn forty-five minutes ago."

Serena held Blair close and kissed her forehead before leaving. Blair sat thinking as Serena left. She wasn't thinking about the choice she had to make but of telling Nate. The instant she told him she was having an abortion he'd never take her back, ever. But maybe, maybe just he'd want to be there for her and the baby if she told him she was having a baby. But would it be just for the baby? Or because he loved Blair? Blair mulled the thoughts over for a long time. Would he even want to know? Responsibility wasn't Nate's strong point.

Blair made her decision in the following days, Serena didn't hear much from her. The blonde presumed that Blair was avoiding talking to Serena for fear she'd make her call Nate. Serena knew not to push Blair so she decided to give her a few weeks. After all, right now it was just a bean sized tadpole with an abnormally fast heart beat inside Blair; but in two weeks the little baby would have fingers and toes and Blair would barely be able to help from vomiting every three minutes - not that she needed an excuse. Blair had called into work sick hoping to claim an extra day from her lame excuse. The building loomed before her, it was bland from the outside, it looked like every other unit on this stretch Bleecker Street, you couldn't quite tell what it was from the outside.

The waiting room was silent, a teenage girl sat with her mother looking as if her soul had been sucked out, her skin looked grey and her hair was lank. Blair approached the receptionist, "Blair Waldorf." She said quietly. The woman nodded and smiled indicating the seats. It frustrated Blair the way the woman smiled. It was overly kind, the women looked like one of those women that had two adorable children dressed head to toe from the Gap and lived in a townhouse in the West Village.

And she just so happened to be a receptionist at an abortion clinic?

She handed Blair a clip board with a couple of sheets to fill out.

Blair sat, the teenage girl looked at her. Blair bent her head over the clip board wondering how the girl had ended up here, she looked innocent and delicate, Blair herself felt awkward, what was she doing here? This wasn't a place people like Blair Waldorf ended up. A tear trickled down the teenagers face and her mother wrapped her arm around her and kissed her head. "Shh… it's nearly over," she soothed. Blair could never imagine her own mother being that understanding. She wondered how many people knew about this girl's predicament, Blair hadn't told anyone except Serena. She was planning to call Nate afterwards and tell him it was gone. "It" she thought, "It", would the doctor tell her if it was a boy or a girl? Did she want to know? What if it had green eyes? No, no it wouldn't have green eyes, all baby's had blue eyes. Would it's eyes be open? It would have brown hair, there was no doubt about that.

"Blair Waldorf?" The voice interrupted her thoughts and she followed the voice through to the private room. She hadn't exactly finished the forms but the counsellor sat and finished them with her and then the conversation Blair had been dreading began.

Was she sure? Would she be here if she wasn't?

Had she considered the other options? Impossible.

Was she being pressurised? Blair Waldorf doesn't get pressurised.

Did the baby's father know? There wasn't one; not anymore.

The counsellor finally declared her in sound mind and Blair left. Several hours later after a sonogram and blood tests Blair sat in the waiting room all over again. There were lots more people there this time. There was a girl about twenty and a girl who was obviously her younger sister holding her hand. She was far more pregnant than Blair; you could see the baby bump. Blair touched her own stomach self consciously maybe this abortion wouldn't be so bad? Did she really want to get huge boobs and a bump? Nate would never want her back if she looked like that! Nate would never want her back when he found out what she'd done.

The doctor smiled, how she could do this job and still smile was anyone's guess. Blair tried to smile as she slid up onto the bed but it was more of a grimace. The nurse stood with a trolley of assorted needles, fluids and other painful looking pieces of medical equipment. "Now, how many weeks are you?"

"Five. Five weeks." Thirty-five to go Blair thought. The doctor lifted Blair's blouse and lightly touched her stomach. Blair recoiled.

"It's OK, don't worry you won't feel a thing just a little scratch," the doctor reassured her. 'Just a little scratch' thought Blair as she was herded into the side room to change into a robe, a little scratch that was going to murder the last part of her and Nate.

She emerged in the robe and the doctor firmly took her arm and guided her towards the bed. "I don't want to kill it," Blair whispered. The doctor didn't hear her as she helped Blair onto the bed. "I can't do this," Blair said louder; pulling her arm from the doctor's grasp. The doctor looked at her; the poor girl was beautiful and young and most probably career orientated. It was always those people she saw. The people that came all the way to Bleecker Street to avoid prying eyes. Blair was back in the side room changing into her jeans and cashmere sweater and the doctor gave her a small smile.

"It's your choice, but we're still here for you until you're twenty-four weeks, OK?" The doctor ran the facts past Blair to keep her in the room a moment longer to ensure her mind hadn't changed.

"I need to call someone," Blair told her weakly. The doctor nodded smiling understandingly as Blair left.

"Serena?"

"Hey Blair," Serena was trying to read the instructions of Heidi's new battery operated doll when she answered the call.

"Serena I'm in Greenwich Village." Blair pronounced and left it hanging.

"Uh-hu," Serena mused, still scanning the instructions. What did it mean counter-clockwise? Did it really matter? Then Serena heard Blair burst into tears. "B?" But Blair didn't reply and she continued to cry. Serena dropped the instructions. "Blair what's wrong?"

"I couldn't do it S," Blair wept.

"Couldn't do what?" Serena asked imploringly.

"I couldn't…" Blair was sniffing trying to stop herself crying.

"Couldn't what Blair?" Serena asked getting impatient. "Blair? Can you get in a cab and come here?"

"I- I tried to kill it Serena, but I can't!" Blair was in pieces but suddenly it all came together and Serena realised what was happening.

"Oh Blair, you should have called."

"I didn't want you to change my mind," Blair sniffed.

"Did you tell Nate?"

"I was going to tonight because he'd change my mind too. But now I- I changed my mind and I can't be a mom."

"Yes you can B! I told you this already! Maybe it's best if I come round to yours OK?" Serena offered realising Blair wouldn't much want to be accosted into playing with Heidi.

"OK, I'll get a cab."

"Yes, you get a cab." Serena nodded to herself as she hung up.

"What's up?" Dan asked wandering into the living room.

"It's just Blair, can you try and fix this," Serena gestured to Heidi and her doll as she stood up.

"I've got to go to work, I have a meeting with the editors!" Dan argued.

"I need to see Blair." Serena said stubbornly.

"Serena! The editors of the New York Times; it's huge!"

"Well show them you're a family man," Serena sighed uncharacteristically getting pissed off at him. She was buttoning up her coat and sliding into her heels. Heidi's eyes were darting worriedly between her parents and Serena gave Dan a meaningful look. They both fell silent. Serena knew she'd won. "Bye bye sweetie," Serena blew Heidi a kiss, glared at Dan and then strutted towards the elevator.

Blair had calmed down by the time her taxi arrived back at her penthouse. She climbed out, handing the driver a twenty, and went inside. The apartment was eerily empty. Not that she wasn't used to it, Nate worked a lot, but it was the feeling of knowing he wouldn't be home at the end of the day that was chewing Blair's insides. She knew Serena was on her way over. Blair knew that honestly Serena thought the abortion was a bad idea and now Blair was starting to come round to the idea. Maybe Nate would come back to New York if he knew. Maybe Blair might even develop some kind of twisted loving feelings for the little blob. Maybe she already had? After all she'd saved it, she was going to give birth to it and then look after it - maybe.

Serena walked briskly out of her apartment building on Park Avenue at 68th and spotted a cab. She put her hand in the air and saw the driver nod. She darted into the road without looking. Then she heard a squeal of brakes, she saw the look of horror on the face of the driver of the cab she was heading for and then she felt nothing.

A/N: Thank you for reading, now REVIEW! lol, I should add 'please.' Also the song is by Carrie Underwood and doesn't belong to me blah blah blah.