A/N: Tite Kubo owns Bleach and everything related to it. Taking into consideration how the manga had ended, I lost hope that these two might be cannon. But in my heart and mind, they'll always be.

I. The Set-Up

Five minutes into this blind date and Ichigo Kurosaki was absolutely certain that this wasn't going to work.

Byakuya Kuchiki was...

How should Ichigo put it nicely?

Byakuya Kuchiki was probably the iceberg that had sunk the Titanic or the asteroid that had killed all the dinosaurs. And that was just Ichigo trying to be really nice.

The chosen restaurant should have been a first clue to this clusterfuck, an exclusive five-star restaurant in the mid-town Karakura, whose waiter, upon seeing Ichigo, had offered him straight away a jacket, then had accompanied him to the reserved table with pure contempt written all over his face, contempt matched in kind by Ichigo's scowl. No one could take away from him the art of scowling – he had elevated this art to perfection. Luckily, he had decided earlier that evening to wear a black shirt and his really nice dark jeans, therefore he didn't feel so out of place, even with his borrowed jacket.

Despite being very exclusive, the restaurant had a friendly set-up and offered a sense of intimacy. The round tables covered by expensive starched table clothes (surely thousands upon thousand of Egyptian thread counts) were distributed perfectly in between the different arboreal plants that separated them and created the illusion that the customer was alone in a jungle of spices and greenery. There was even a nice miniature honest-to-God candlestick in the middle of the table. The only thing that would remind Ichigo of the fact that he was in over his head would be the goddamn menu, written in pretentious golden ink on black thick paper. Ichigo had rolled his eyes so much, he actually feared he might have sprained them.

And Ichigo would have swallowed the sense of inadequacy, he would have ignored the goddamn borrowed jacket that felt like a corset on his broad shoulders if it hadn't been for the man himself. When Byakuya Kuchiki had arrived at the table in all his icy glory and had decided to introduce himself, he had made Ichigo feel completely out of place with just one look. How could someone be a pretentious asshole and an icy bastard all at the same time was beyond even Ichigo's capabilities of imagination. And he met plenty of assholes throughout his life. His hair colour had made sure of it. Hell, he had met one of his best friends trying to save him from other pretentious assholes just like the one currently sitting in front of him.

The guy took a seat at the table with such a frosty demeanour that, in that span of ten seconds, entire worlds must have frozen under his look. Yeah, it was most definitely not a great start. After the introductions, they ordered their drinks (seriously, even a goddamn cocktail cost as much as a lunch at Ichigo's favourite corner restaurant), then proceeded to look at the menu for food, trying to ignore each other as much as they could.

So yeah, Ichigo knew for sure at this point that this was simply not going to work. He glanced subtly around him, trying to guess the quickest escape routes or maybe wishing for some superhero to come and save him. He even thought briefly to call Chad and maybe fake an emergency, hell, at this point he would be willing to call even Keigo, only to stop this dinner from happening.

Ichigo sighed heavily before he returned his attention to the menu in his hands on a useless quest to find something affordable to eat because he sure as hell wasn't going to order anything that might set the bill at the same heights as his weekly salary. He had had enough misou soup while at university, thank you very much, he wasn't going to sacrifice himself for a perfect stranger.

A few years ago, he had been through some really difficult moments and if that period had taught him something was not to waste time anymore with situations that made him uncomfortable or people that considered beneath them. As such, suddenly determined, he shut the menu, took a deep breath and stared at Byakuya, who raised one perfect eyebrow in response.

All right, Ichigo wasn't blind. The man was really attractive, in spite of all his arrogance and iciness. He was tall and, for a paper-pusher, quite well-built. His broad shoulders had a perfect ratio to the trimness of his waist, making him appear stronger than he probably was in reality. However, although Kuchiki was a perfectly handsome man, his a bit too thin lips and his strong jaw gave him an air of cruelty that Ichigo was sure it helped at his workplace. Nobody would dare to mess with this man. Kuchiki also kept his dark hair tied, but a few strands had escaped the confinement. This should have made Kuchiki look a bit more comfortable in his own skin but in his case, it just emphasised the careful way in which he kept his emotions away from his face.

He was a man tough to read and Ichigo didn't like that one bit. He didn't trust people like that. And although perhaps under normal circumstances, Ichigo would have been more than happy to go home with this guy at the end of the date, it certainly wasn't the case right now. There was no point in getting to know this guy, for Kuchiki sure as hell wasn't inclined to get to know Ichigo.

"Look, this isn't going to work," Ichigo said kind of matter-of-factly. Something flickered in Byakuya's crystal eyes, but it was gone before Ichigo could understand what it meant. It could as well be just a trick of the light.

They stared at each other for a moment too long, before Kuchiki closed the menu, but signalled the waiter to stay away from their table. He leaned forward, his dark blue jacket showcasing his shoulders in an almost obscene way, making Ichigo bite his lip hard. Goddamn pompous ridiculously handsome arrogant assholes!

"What do you suggest then?" Kuchiki asked and seriously, Ichigo was back at hating him in 0.2 seconds flat.

"I suggest we just tell Rukia that we had a nice dinner, but we decided that we aren't meant for each other."

"I agree with you, but I am not sure whether my sister would be appeased by such an explanation."

Ichigo lost whatever colour he had in his cheeks. "Rukia is your sister..." How could he have forgotten of such an important detail?

His stuttered affirmation deepened Kuchiki's frown, while Ichigo felt as if suddenly the air around him had decided to move in the adjacent room. Byakuya was Rukia's goddamn lovable nii-sama. Ichigo was utterly screwed. It wasn't even funny, it' was really not.

It was a universally acknowledged truth about Rukia Kuchiki in everyone's general consciousness (and he really meant everyone – from the colleagues and teachers in their high school to their academic supervisor and ordinary strangers) that Rukia Kuchiki adored/ idolized/ considered her elder brother a role-model. Nii-sama did this, nii-sama did that, nii-sama thought about this, he thought about that. From their early stages of friendship across years of support, stubborn fights and undying loyalty, Ichigo had known one thing for certain: Rukia really loved nii-sama and she would most definitely not like Ichigo rejecting her precious elder brother.

"Great!" Ichigo harrumphed and leaned back into his chair like a perfectly spoilt brat, and not as a twenty-six years old man. He might have pouted as well. "That's just fucking perfect. Now she's going to hate my guts just because I think her brother is an asshole."

"There is no necessity for coarse language, Kurosaki." Byakuya's grey eyes pinned him with disdain, making Ichigo feel just a little guilty for this. "Rukia will not take kindly to my behaviour either, and while I do not appreciate your tone of voice or the words you chose, I do think we need to find a solution to our current predicament."

"Which is?" He asked morosely when he noticed that Byakuya didn't carry on with his idea. Kuchiki remained silent for a few more precious seconds as if he took into consideration the fate of the entire world. Which you know, it was completely true.

Rukia had been insisting for the past couple of years that Ichigo should go out with her brother because they would make a perfect couple and opposites attract, Ichigo, shut up. After relentless bantering and constant pressure, in a fit of despair, Ichigo had accepted, hoping against hope that he would enjoy a night out with this guy. And wow, he had been wrong! However, Rukia had been so happy when he had finally said yes, she had had such high hopes for this. She had even made flow-charts to show that any significant age difference could only benefit them. It didn't matter that Byakuya Kuchiki was thirty-four, that he was rich and studied at the finest universities. It didn't matter that Ichigo was eight years younger than him, that he had a mechanical engineering diploma and that at times, his family had made great efforts to make ends meet. In Rukia's romantic mind, this actually constituted a perfect basis for a healthy and long-term relationship.

And in spite of his pessimistic nature (he called it realistic actually, but whatever), Ichigo Kurosaki had let her convince him. It had been the greatest mistake he had done recently.

"We find ourselves in a predicament, however, the most important thing at the moment is to try and cause as little disappointment to my sister as possible. And this is not going to be an easy feat," Kuchiki spoke, at last, leaning back in his chair. He would almost look at ease if it weren't for the tensed shoulders and his frown. "As such, because we are in need of a good plan, I suggest we order the food and start thinking of one. The whole expense will be covered by me."

"Yeah, I don't think that's fair," Ichigo said, a slight flush slowly rising on his cheeks. Fuck his fair complexion as well.

"Please, it is the least I could do. It is clear to me that Rukia wanted us to date, but this is not possible." Byakuya took the menu again and opened it. "Also, thinking with our stomachs full might actually help us in coming with a good plan."

Ichigo looked down at the menu, opened it and then stared uncomprehendingly at the golden letters.

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier," he mumbled and though his tone was far from being apologetic, it was still better than nothing. Kuchiki acknowledged this with a simple nod. Ichigo didn't know whether to feel guiltier or more annoyed. Ultimately, he decided to ignore both feelings and see whether there was something edible in the menu while paying attention to the prices. Kuchiki would pay for the bill, but that didn't mean Ichigo shouldn't be considerate.

After the waiter took their order, they both succumbed to a particularly awkward silence. Ichigo hated those plants that separated the tables right now because at least he would have had something to look at. As such, he had to peer at the man opposite him, while Kuchiki seemed to contemplate ending his life for being sat at the same table with an uncultured swine such as Ichigo.

Seriously, what possessed Rukia to think that Byakuya and he would be good together? Like, did she drink too much sake at the time? They couldn't be more opposite: Ichigo was a mechanic, who loved to get dirty (yes, both ways). He enjoyed reading, playing the guitar, and sometimes, when he wasn't feeling social, liked to lock himself in the apartment and just read, be away from everybody. He liked comfortable clothes like jeans and t-shirts and hoodies. Also, mother nature and his own mother blessed him with a bright orange colour for his hair, so occasionally he also had a fight or two idiots, who would be inclined to think, that just because he was gay and because of his hair colour, he couldn't stand for himself. Big mistake.

And opposite him, there was the big shot financial consultant. Like could Byakuya have chosen a more ambiguous job? Like what did he do? What did he consult about? His clothes looked more expensive than Ichigo's entire apartment, he had two expensive cars (information obtained from Rukia), a penthouse in downtown Karakura (also information happily provided by Rukia) and most likely he considered the quarterly financial reports as the greatest read ever. In fact, Byakuya Kuchiki was so out of Ichigo's league that he would find the whole affair funny if Kuchiki didn't prove to be a gigantic asshole.

Uhm, he would eat on the man's dime. Maybe Kuchiki was not that much of an asshole, but still. It was clear to Ichigo that the man liked the fine things in life. Also, his looks and his pedigree must have made tons of men walking over themselves to try and get into Kuchiki's trousers. He probably never got dirty in his life (yes, again, both ways – Ichigo found himself to be extremely funny in his mind; the scowl on the outside prevented people from trying to see whether he had a sense of humour, apart from his friends. Inside though? Laughing riot.)

Plus, the man was so guarded. Ichigo had had his fair share of failed relationships and one catastrophic one, but he had always tried to maintain his heart open. Nothing like this could be said about Byakuya Kuchiki. Ichigo wondered why Rukia's brother had accepted a blind date with him. He must have suffered a brief moment of temporary insanity.

And just like that, Ichigo began to feel guilty. Yes, his first opinion of Kuchiki wasn't the greatest, but he didn't make any effort anyway. So at this point, because he was the first one to reject this whole idea, it was up to Ichigo to find a plan.

The inspiration struck as soon as the food arrived.

"I think we should date," he said as soon as the waiter ceased his fussing and left them alone at last. Kuchiki looked confused.

"I am sorry, but I believe that the whole purpose of this dinner is to find a way not to date while at the same try and not break my sister's heart in the process."

"Yes, but here me out," Ichigo continued undeterred by Kuchiki's reluctance. "I think we should go to a few mock-dates, like three or four, to make Rukia believe we are trying. And then just let her down gently, explaining to her we tried to make an effort, but it didn't work. We were just too different. And yeah, she would be disappointed, but she would understand and she would leave us alone."

"And how do you know we are too different?" Byakuya asked. Ichigo froze with the chopsticks half-way towards his mouth. However, Kuchiki looked so much worse, as if he just divulged a great secret that no one was supposed to find out ever. "Never mind." Kuchiki's whole face was completely blank and Ichigo didn't dare to say anything and just let the man continue, "You are right. It is a good plan. Should we say four mock-dates? Two for each and we choose activities in turn that we enjoy. That would create verisimilitude to our story and Rukia would truly believe that we made an effort."

"Yes, it is a good idea," Ichigo agreed, before tasting his food. Suddenly, he had the feeling that he was missing something here, something big, but there was no way of asking Kuchiki what he meant before. Byakuya looked almost hurt by Ichigo's implication that they were too different to work out. But it had been true. Right?

They spent the rest of the dinner refining the details of their plan and exchanging phone numbers. When Rukia called later on to find out how the date had gone, he'd tried to be as truthful as possible: he told her he thought both of them were too different but that they were willing to give this a shot. Rukia replied that this was all she wanted from them then proceeded to squeal like that time when Renji proposed.

It was going to be a long month.