Load of Old Tosh…Excellent Nosh
By: TheMischiefMakers
~A/N~ Hello all…we're back…just when you thought it was safe to come out again, right? Anyway, this is the continuation of Dursley Disturbed…we're not sure why we wrote this but here it is…must have been all the chocolate and caffeine we had. Again, it's in play form so read and enjoy. The characters belong to J. K. Rowling we merely make up the twisted situation.
At rise we see a Common, ordinary, normal room, but the readers and viewers should be warned that nothing common will happen, that all the events told here are extraordinary and that the word normal should never be used when talking about The Dursleys of Number 4 Private Drive. Anyway, the room is full with your typical Living Room materials~ A couch, some chairs, a T.V. and loads of pictures on the walls. There is a loud commotion offstage and DUDLEY DURSLEY enters carrying a bowl of popcorn and singing.
DUDLEY (singing): It's a small world after all…It's a small world after all…It's a small world after all…It's a small, small world.
The doorbell rings and DUDLEY drops the bowl and looks around for the source of the sound. The doorbell rings again
PETUNIA (offstage): Dudders, dear could you get that?
DUDLEY looks confused as the doorbell rings again.
DUDLEY: Deer?
The doorbell rings again. DUDLEY jumps.
DUDLEY: Y?
The doorbell continues to ring, as DUDLEY just stands there, frozen in place. PETUNIA enters and gives DUDLEY a strange look as SHE opens the door. AUNT MARGE is on the other side of the door.
AUNT MARGE: Ah, Petunia, dear…
DUDLEY (to himself): Deer?
AUNT MARGE: …how good to see you. Where's my Dudders?
AUNT MARGE pushes past PETUNIA and walks towards DUDLEY who has a look of great fear on his face as SHE approaches.
AUNT MARGE: There's my Dudders!
DUDLEY still stands there with a look of horror on his face as AUNT MARGE comes and hugs him.
AUNT MARGE: My favorite Neephy-poo.
DUDLEY: Load of old tosh!
DUDLEY runs offstage yelling "load of old tosh" at the top of his lungs.
PETUNIA: I don't know what's gotten into him.
DUDLEY (offstage): Load of old tosh!!!
AUNT MARGE only looks at PETUNIA with a strange look then shrugs.
AUNT MARGE: Where is Vernon, I've come to give him this gift.
DUDLEY (offstage): Load of old tosh!
PETUNIA: He had to go into work today. They have a big order to fill for drills for Monday and they needed extra help today. So Vernon went in.
AUNT MARGE: Vernon is the helpful type, that's just like him. I remember one time when we were little…
The doorbell rings
DUDLEY (offstage): Ding-Dong…….(begins to sing) The witch is dead, which old witch…the wicked witch!!!!
The doorbell rings again. PETUNIA sighs and answers the door..
MAN: Is this the Dursley Residence.
PETUNIA: Yes, it is. But, whatever it is you're selling we already have about five of them.
The MAN raises an eyebrow to PETUNIA. Then HE smiles.
MAN: Well, luckly I'm not selling anything…not today anyway…I don't think I've ever sold anything door to door before. I wonder if that would be fun. I had a cousin once who did…well I think he did…we never talk about him at home…you see he had this strange notion about how things should work and he invented this whole line of…
PETUNIA and AUNT MARGE cross their arms and look at the man. HE grins sheepishly.
MAN: Sorry, about that…sometimes I get carried away. A mans family can sometimes be the most important thing to him. Anyway, I'm Joe from St. Brutus'; Dr. Handsoon recommended that I make a house call.
PETUNIA: That Shrink!!!
MAN: I think he would prefer to be called a Physiatrist…Shrink is such a harsh word to use.
PETUNIA: No, it's not!
AUNT MARGE: What is this about, Petunia, dear.
DUDLEY reenters and huddles towards the back of the stage.
DUDLEY: Deer? Y?
AUNT MARGE looks confused as the MAN pushes his way onto the stage and past PETUNIA. The MAN is none other then…ALBUS DUMBLEDORE incognito.
DUMBLEDORE: Where's the patient?
DUDLEY runs from the room again as DUMBLEDORE begins to poke around the house. Listening to the walls and couch with a stethoscope. AUNT MARGE blocks DUMBLEDORE'S progress
DUMBLEDORE: You're the patient? I thought it was a young boy…you look too old…and I don't think you're a boy either.
DUMBLEDORE peers at AUNT MARGE who looks flabbergasted by HIS statements.
DUMBLEDORE: What was I saying? Ah, yes. How about a drink?
AUNT MARGE snaps out of her stupor and smiles.
AUNT MARGE: Yes, lets!
DUMBLEDORE smiles conspiratorial at AUNT MARGE.
DUMBLEDORE: I have just the thing here.
DUMBLEDORE pulls out a flask from his pocket. AUNT MARGE'S grin broadens.
AUNT MARGE: Now, you're the kind of doc. To like.
DUMBLEDORE: Why, thank…
AUNT MARGE grabs the flask and begins to drink from it.
DUMBLEDORE: …you. Where's Dudley?
PETUNIA: There's no Dudley here.
DUDLEY (offstage): Load of old tosh!!
AUNT MARGE: Excellent nosh!!
DUDLEY enters.
PETUNIA: Why are you here?
DUDLEY: Y?
DUMBLEDORE and PETUNIA turn and see DUDLEY. PETUNIA glares at HIM.
DUMBLEDORE: Dr. Handsoon asked me to look into your case. He suggested that I should see the home environment of Dudley here.
DUDLEY (looking around the room): Where?
PETUNIA: Er…
DUDLEY pushed past PETUNIA and looks at DUMBLEDORE.
DUDLEY: Y?
DUMBLEDORE: So you are Dudley…Ummmmm (in an undertone) Harry was right…he's a real Muggle.
PETUNIA nods and looks suspiciously at DUMBLEDORE who is looking around the room intently as if in search of something
DUDLEY (skipping around the room): Muggle smuggle….Muggle smuggle…Muggle smuggle…Y?
DUMBLEDORE: Because that is you name unless you'd rather by called something else. I had a friend that kept changing his name…
DUDLEY: (shouting) Name! Name! Name! Blame same game sane!
PETUNIA groans and nearly faints AUNT MARGE is still drinking and occasionally burps very loudly.
DUMBLEDORE: (with concern) What's wrong, dear?
DUDLEY: deer?
DUDLEY makes deer horns with his fingers and starts prancing around the room singing "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" at the top of his lungs
PETUNIA: Dudley dinkums can you be quiet while Mummy talks to this nice man.
DUDLEY: (in a stage whisper) deer dear fear near.
AUNT MARGE: This is excellent nosh Petunia dear…
DUDLEY: Load of old tosh
AUNT MARGE (swaying in her seat): Excellent nosh.
DUDLEY (looking confused): Deer?
DUDLEY makes deer horns again and begins to prance around the room
DUDLEY: You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen…
PETUNIA (grimacing) Dudley, dear, it's not Chris…
DUDLEY: It's a small world after all…
DUDLEY begins to trace letters in the air and sits down on the floor rocking back and forth.
DUMBLEDORE: Now…as I was saying…I need to ask you some questions Dudley and I want you to answer honest…
DUDLEY: Y.B.U. tosh!
AUNT MARGE: Excellent nosh!
DUDLEY laughs manically for several minutes. PETUNIA falls to the floor in a dead faint and AUNT MARGE falls off her seat drunk.
DUMBLEDORE: Now Dudley I want you to think back to the first thing you can remember.
DUDLEY waves his hand in the air and then writes A Z.
DUMBLEDORE: What's the first thing you remember?
DUDLEY: Name. Name. Name.
DUDLEY gets up off the floor and begins to run wildly around the room, laughing insanely until he runs into the television and falls down. DUMBLEDORE shakes his head and mutters to himself.
DUMBLEDORE (in an undertone): No wonder Harry wants out of here.
DUDLEY (with a faraway look in his eyes) NOT HARRY…PLEASE NOT HARRY!
DUMBLEDORE looks at DUDLEY sharply
DUMBLEDORE: What did you just say?
Dudley claps a hand over his mouth and shakes his head
DUMBLEDORE: Just please repeat what you said.
DUDLEY (quietly) N't… N't… N't…HGWRTS… HRRY… WZRDS…MGC…N't.
DUMBLEDORE strokes his beard and stares hard at DUDLEY. DUDLEY stares back and then laughs again.
DUDLEY: Game! Game! Game! 3
DUMBLEDORE (after a moment's thought) Who is Harry?
DUDLEY: N't…N't…N't…VLDMRT…DRK… WZRD…DRK MRK.
DUDLEY dances around.
DUDLEY (singing): To dream the impossible dream… To fight the unbeatable foe…
DUMBLEDORE: Why…
DUDLEY: Y
DUMBLEDORE: …can't…
DUDLEY (skipping in place) N't
DUMBLEDORE: …tell me who Harry is?!
DUDLEY: Shan't…MGC.
DUMBLEDORE: Urghhhhhh!!!!!
DUDLEY: Blarghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
DUDLEY runs around the room, waving his arms wildly about and singing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing".
DUMBLEDORE (in an undertone): No wonder Harry looks so gloomy at the Leaving Feast…
DUDLEY stops in mid stride and mid sentence.
DUDLEY (in a demanding tone): Want food…want food now!
DUMBLEDORE: Not until you answer my question.
DUDLEY frowns and then gets ready to throw a fit, which DUMBLEDORE is quick to notice.
DUMBLEDORE: You'll get food afterward… I promise.
DUDLEY jumps up and down, rubbing his fat stomach
DUMBLEDORE (in a whisper): Harry was right about the food fixation too.
DUDLEY: Harry..?
DUDLEY looks puzzled again and then suddenly his face brightens
DUMBLEDORE: What is the first thing you can remember Dudley?
DUDLEY'S forehead wrinkles and he frowns. Then he does a little dance in the middle of the room.
DUMBLEDORE: Well…
DUDLEY (looking around) No well here…DEER!
DUDLEY makes deer horns again.
DUMBLEDORE: I suppose there wouldn't be a well here…but just answer the question.
DUDLEY: Y…spell X.
DUDLEY hops around the room making rabbit faces. Then he screws up his face and begins to pull his hair.
DUDLEY (screaming): CANDY…HARRY…VOLDMORT!
DUMBLEDORE blinks in surprise and looks at DUDLEY closely. DUDLEY sings, "candy" "Harry" "Voldemort" over and over again.
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, Voldemort…Candy?
DUDLEY (singing): The candy man can…. The candy man can!
DUMBLEDORE shakes his head.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh dear…this is far worse then I thought.
DUDLEY: Y? Deer?
DUMBLEDORE: Have you seen Voldemort?
DUDLEY: Voldemort Smoldemort!
DUMBLEDORE looks at DUDLEY again.
DUMBLEDORE (more insistently): Have you see Voldemort, Dudley?
DUDLEY grins stupidly but says nothing.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh dear, well…
DUDLEY: Well…no well…deer…(singing) Grandma got run over by a reindeer…
DUMBLEDORE shakes his head.
DUMBLEDORE: No you're not well that's for sure.
DUDLEY (singing): Raise you're hand…if you're sure!
DUDLEY raises his hands into the air and begins to dance around the room.
DUMBLEDORE: And to think we all feel sorry for Harry not having parents when we should really feel sorry that he had other relatives to go to.
DUDLEY: Two!!
DUDLEY begins to draw the number two in the air and singing "Two Heads are Better then One."
DUMBLEDORE: Now Dudley…
DUDLEY: How. Now. Brown. Cow. Mooooooooooooo!!!
DUDLEY begins to dance around the room going "moo" when he reaches DUMBLEDORE.
DUMBLEDORE: What a load of old tosh…
AUNT MARGE (waking from her stupor): Excellent nosh!
AUNT MARGE rises and stumbles towards DUMBLEDORE who fails to move out of the way. AUNT MARGE falls on top of DUMBLEDORE.
DUMBLEDORE: Ouch!!!!!!
DUDLEY: OUCH!!!!!!!!
DUMBLEDORE pushes AUNT MARGE off using magic and DUDLEY covers his mouth then his eyes…then for some strange reason his ears.
DUDLEY: No see, no hear, no talk!!! N'T, N'T, N'T!!!!!
DUMBLEDORE (in an undertone): No brain.
DUDLEY looks up at DUMBLEDORE and shakes his head. Then DUDLEY points at AUNT MARGE.
DUDLEY: Voldemort!
DUDLEY says Voldemort over and over again as he points to AUNT MARGE. DUMBLEDORE peers at AUNT MARGE closely. SHE burps.
DUMBLEDORE: No aura of evil around her.
DUDLEY gets really close to DUMBLEDORE then looks closely at AUNT MARGE too.
DUMBLEDORE turns and runs into DUDLEY'S nose.
DUDLEY: Ouch!!!
DUDLEY tries to look at his nose but only succeeds in looking even more stupid.
DUMBLEDORE: Keep you're nose out of the way!
DUDLEY (singing): Jack Frost nipping at your nose.
DUMBLEDORE (shaking his head): Harry was right. They are mental.
DUDLEY: Candy Voldemort! Candy Voldemort! Candy Voldemort!
AUNT MARGE wakes up again.
AUNT MARGE: Excellent nosh! Excellent nosh! Excellent nosh!
DUMBLEDORE (losing his temper a bit): Load of old tosh!!!
Suddenly VERNON DURSLEY enters the room…
VERNON: Petunia, dear. I'm…
DUDLEY: Deer…deer…Up on the House top reindeer paws…
VERNON: …home. What's going on here?
DUDLEY: Have no fear deer!
DUDLEY begins to march around the room singing. VERNON turns to DUMBLEDORE.
VERNON: Who are you!?!
DUDLEY: U! Y? B? U?
DUMBLEDORE (in an undertone): I wouldn't want to be you.
DUDLEY: N't, n't, n't!!!
DUMBLEDORE: I was sent by Dr. Handsoon…
VERNON: That shrink…
DUDLEY: Shrink. Pink. Fink!
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, you must be Vernon Dursley?
DUDLEY: Load of old tosh!
AUNT MARGE: Excellent nosh!
VERNON: What's it to you? Who are you?
DUDLEY: VOLDEMORT!!!
AUNT MARGE and DUDLEY join hands and begin to dance around DUMBLEDORE saying Voldemort over and over again.
VERNON: Voldemort?
DUMBLEDORE: No I'm Joe…
DUDLEY (singing): Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO!
DUMBLEDORE: No I'm not from Hannibal, MO…I'm not sure I even know where that is…It might be interesting to go there though since I've never been there at least I don't think I have been there…
VERNON glares at DUMBLEDORE.
DUMBLEDORE: Sorry…I'm a friend of Dr. Handsoon and I've come to help Dudley.
VERNON: Get out this instant.
DUDLEY: Instant…coffee…Instant…tea…(singing) Carnation instant Breakfast…Food!
DUMBLEDORE: This is insane.
AUNT MARGE (singing): The world has gone insane and parasites are eating at my brain!
DUMBLEDORE (to himself): Apparently they already had a feast at the Brain of Aunt Marge.
DUDLEY: Load of old tosh!
AUNT MARGE: Excellent nosh!!
VERNON: Shut up you two!!
DUDLEY: U2, U2, U2.
DUDELY begins to sing a U2 song…pick one perhaps one you hate. Suddenly VERNON has the Smeltings stick and he hits DUDLEY with it.
DUDLEY: OUCH!
AUNT MARGE: OUCH!
VERNON: I didn't hit you Marge!
AUNT MARGE takes the Smeltings stick and proceeds to hit herself with it, knocking her out.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh dear.
DUDLEY: DEER!!!!
DUDLEY begins to run around the room holding horns up to his head again and singing a combination of "Rudolf, the Red Nosed Reindeer " "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" and "Up on the House Top."
DUDLEY (singing): Rudolf the red nosed grandma…
Was upon the housetop here
Where she did get run over
By that really big fat deer.
DUDLEY points at VERNON at the end of his song. Then DUDELY begins to hit himself with the Smeltings stick.
VERNON (sarcastically) Great! This is just great!
DUDLEY: Grate, Great, Grape.
DUMBLEDORE: Why me?
DUMBLEDORE throws up his hands in despair
DUDLEY: Y. B. U. Candy Shmamy! Want food!
DUDLEY dances around the room again
DUDLEY: Be our guest…be our guest…put our service to the test…we do chicken right!
DUDLEY stops dancing and then starts to sing…Voldemort is a smarmy guy/Who looks just like a piece of pie/ But if you eat him then you'll die.
DUMBLEDORE: Where IS Voldemort?
DUDLEY: There!
DUDLEY points a fat finger at PETUNIA who is still lying on the floor. PETUNIA stirs and then gets up quickly to stare at DUDLEY intently.
PETUNIA: I certainly am not…Oh, is my Dudley dinkums all better now?
DUMBLEDORE (looks intently at PETUNIA) No, there is no evil aura here either. Ummmm.
DUMBLEDORE looks carefully around the room.
DUDLEY: Load of old tosh!
There is silence and DUMBLEDORE begins to walk around the room.
DUDLEY: Load. Of. Old. Tosh!
Again there is nothing but silence. DUDLEY stomps his foot and then begins to have a violent tantrum. He picks up the Smelting stick and begins to swing it all over the place.
PETUNIA: Put the sticky wicky away dear.
PETUNIA tries to take the Smelting stick away when DUDLEY pauses to make horns again and gets hit in the head for her efforts. She falls to the floor, knocked out.
DUDLEY (singing and swinging the Smelting stick) The time has come the walrus said to think of other things…of ships and strings and sealing wax and other fancy things…Puff the Mgc drgn lived by the sea…
VERNON: Now Dudders give the nice stick to Daddy…
DUDLEY swings and misses VERNON, hitting a lamp instead, which showers AUNT MARGE with pieces of glass.
VERNON: Give that stick here right now, boy!
DUDLEY (still swinging the stick): Y?
VERNON (bellowing, his face going purple): Because I said…
DUDLEY hits VERNON in the stomach with the Smeltings stick, hard. VERNON passes out.
DUMBLEDORE: There is definitely something funny's going on here.
DUDLEY (singing): Something fanny's going on…and it will surprise you…you suspect not a thing…and won't even try too.
DUMBLEDORE: WHAT!!!!!????? What are you talking about?
DUDLEY (singing again): Once the final bell does ring
Harry will face the worst thing
See the evil one now is come
Voldemort the new risen one!
DUDLEY brandishes the Smelting stick like a wand and the tip begins to glow an evil green color.
DUDLEY (singing) Gotta catch 'em all…Harry's gone!
DUMBLEDORE: What? Harry's not gone…
DUDLEY: No but you are…AVADA…KEDVR…..
DUMBLEDORE quickly points his wand at DUDLEY.
DUMBLEDORE: May the Ministry forgive me…
DUDLEY screams and thrashes around on the floor.
DUDLEY (still screaming): VLDMRT DRK WZRD….Not Harry…Not Harry…Harry DOOM!
DUMBLEDORE points wand at DUDLEY and knocks him out cold.
DUMBLEDORE (sadly): Sorry there Dudley but we've got to get to the bottom of this fast.
DUMBLEDORE picks up the phone and dials a number.
DUMBLEDORE: Yes… it's Joe… Get me Dr. Handsoon…I don't care about his meeting just tell him its Dudley Dursley…Yes, the Muggle…Tell him to come quickly…We have a case of possession. Right!
DUMBLEDORE hangs up the phone and creates a fire in the Dursley's fireplace.
DUMBLEDORE: Minerva…go and check on Harry…What do you mean he's gone!? Find him at once…it's a matter of life or death…He's been missing for 24 hours!? I'll be there directly…there's been a…complication.
DUMBLEDORE looks around the room, shaking his head as the lights fade out.
~A/N II~ Well, there it is…insane huh? We thought it was…but there's a plot to it…and there will be more to come. Oh and all the songs belong to their respective owners and we lay no claim to them except for the few short filks which are ours. Cheers!!