i.
today i drank some bleach
just a little
not much at all, really.
bleach is a cleanser. bleach will clean me.
and my heart will be white white white – so pure, so clean.
bleach gets rid of filth.
i am filth.
i am still here.
bleach doesn't work well, does it?
tomorrow, i will try a pesticide.
ii.
spain, mistook me for veneziano today.
antonio, mistook me for feliciano today.
what the fuck?
this isn't even the first time.
he said to me, "oi feli—"
then he paused,
saw my frown,
realized perfect beautiful pure feliciano would never frown
and realized his mistake
"oh. lovi. lo siento."
no
i'm sorry
for not being my brother
you prefer him, right?
you all do.
iii.
feliciano is my brother.
feliciano is my twin brother.
feliciano is my identical twin brother.
so why aren't i as beautiful as him?
why can't i be as wonderful as him?
why
why
why
we are identical
but not at all alike.
iv.
i am an artist
my blade is my paint brush
my blood my paint
and my arm my canvas
the contrast of the red red red blood
and my pale white white white skin
is so
breathtakingly
beautiful
and for a moment
i feel every bit as beautiful
as feliciano is.
v.
antonio saw the evidence of my art today
the thin scars lining from my wrist
up up up to my shoulder.
he frowned
opened his mouth
closed it
and
walked away
he didn't say anything
because he doesn't care
but doesn't he see?
i do this for him!
to be beautiful and perfect and wonderful for him!
why isn't he happy?
vi.
i realized
my mistake
why antonio isn't happy
this isn't something feliciano would do
and if i don't do as he does
then antonio will never love me
vii.
today i tried smiling for him
he asked me if I was feeling alright,
and put a hand on my forehead.
"you're acting weird."
weird?
aren't i acting how you want me to?
like feliciano?
don't i make you happy?
i can tell by your frown
that you're not happy
and i want to cry
isn't there anything i can do to make you happy?
vii.
red is a nice colour against my skin
but so is purple.
blood looks good on me
but so do bruises.
viii.
i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry
because it doesn't hurt it doesn't hurt it doesn't.
it doesn't hurt.
i'm fine.
but that's a lie
i think
i don't know anymore
what's true and what isn't
i'm okay i'm hurting i'm fine i'm suffering
but i'm not
or am i?
i
don't
know.
it hurts to think
it hurts to live
ix.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I shall die before I wake,
If I shall die before I wake,
If I shall die before I wake,
If I shall die before I wake
If I shall die—
I pray the lord my soul to take.
x.
today
i was happy for the first time in a long time.
today
i died.