A New Day Chapter 1, a buffy: the vampire slayer fanfic

A New Day Chapter 1

Author: Casandra

Email: rozwellrulz@aol.com

Disclaimer: Joss and ME own em, I don't, doesn't that suck? LOL

Rating: PG-13. I still can't seem to write anything naughty. But there is mild language

Warning: If the idea of two consenting adult woman involved in a romantic relationship bothers you, well you better run.

Distribution: Well Realm Of the Shadow(http://www.mts.net/~shadow27/index.htm) is nice enough to host my other fics, so they're more than welcome to it. Anybody is free to as well, just please drop me a line.

Feedback: Graciously appreciated

Pairing: Buffy/Willow, who else?

Spoilers: Big ones for 'Normal Again'. Anything else is pretty much fair game with me, so be warned.

Summary: Buffy's thoughts after the events of 'Normal Again' Buffy's POV

Author's Note: Ok, well I guess I'm taking up Dan's challenge here, at least a little bit. I have no idea how this one is gonna turn out cause honestly I'm pretty much winging it. I felt like writing and this is what happened LOL Be warned. I've also used Celine Dion's new song, 'A New Day Has Come' to sort set the mood in the fic. It's not really a songfic though. Or maybe is, I'm not really sure. Pardon my rambling, it's after midnight and I've had one too many Cherry Cokes. So if it sucks blame the Coke company LOL

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I've never been much for pop music, but apparently the only radio station that will come through on my little portable radio is just that, pop. But I'd rather have that than nothing at all. For some reason the idea of being out here alone in the quiet is disconcerting. I'm afraid if I sit too long alone with nothing but my own thoughts to listen to I might just drive myself back into that sanitarium my mind conjured up. So I sit here on the back porch in one of the sturdy wooden chairs, contemplating just how much has happened in the last few days, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, looking forward to what might lie ahead.

If I had known that it would take almost losing all my friends to snap me out of my self imposed depression, well I think I'd gladly be depressed for the rest of my life. As long as that may be this time. I honestly can't believe I let it come to almost that. Sure I have an excuse, the demon poison was the real reason behind my attempted murder of all the people I love. But I could have very easily stopped it from going as far as it did. If I would have just drank the antidote when Willow gave it to me, none of it would have happened. But once again I let Spike get to me. I was lying when I said he isn't a part of my life, he is, the very worst part. The biggest mistake I've ever made.

And when he threatened to expose the worst thing I've done to the people that matter most to me, I reached my breaking point. I didn't want to live in a world where I lost everything I loved because I made some really bad decisions. So I gave into the delusion, and because I was once again weak when it came to Spike, I nearly lost them anyway.

I can remember sitting there, watching as one by one they all fell. It was almost like I was watching a movie play out in front of me. I was sitting in the corner of the sanitarium, I still remember how cold the wall felt against my cheek. But I can also remember that there was a nail pressing into my back as I sat under the stairs watching my best friends become demon lunchables. I honestly have no way to explain it. I saw and felt both, my mind in one place, my body in another. I saw Xander trying to protect Dawn, but getting tossed aside like he was nothing more than a sack of potatoes. And Dawn, poor Dawnie, she was screaming the whole time, and I just sat there doing nothing, watching. And then Willow came at the demon, baseball bat in hand, trying desperately to at least weaken it. I don't know if she thought she could hold it off long enough for me to come to the rescue like I've done so many times before. Or if she was just trying to protect everyone else by distracting the thing. All I know is that the second I saw her go down I knew that I had to do something. My mind and body worked together when I saw her hit the dirty basement floor, pure and utter terror gripped my entire being. And as I listened to my mother tell me to fight, that I could beat this, that their were people who loved me that would help me through it, I knew that I had found myself again. I knew that even if the gang found out about Spike and myself that they wouldn't abandon me. I can't remember the last time I wailed on a demon the way I did with wax boy. I finally felt the fire come back. And if Willow hadn't been tossed to the ground I seriously wonder if I ever would have found it again.

It's amazing to me that I was the most in touch with my emotions, with who I really am, when I was turning into a nut job. But I can't help but be a tad bit thankful to the demon. It made me realize who I am, and who I love, finally. I smile a little bit at that thought when I hear a new song come across the radio.

A new day has come

A new day has come

I was waiting for so long

For a miracle to come

Everyone told me to be strong

Hold on and don't shed a tear

Yikes, this song hit's a bit close to home. This girl could be telling my life story for the last 7 months.

Through the darkness and good times

I knew I'd make it through

And the world thought I had it all

But I was waiting for you

Well I guess that fits too. It took me seeing her hurt to get myself together. The more I think about it, it's always been her. Maybe I wouldn't have had to wait if I would have been strong enough to admit it before.

It definitely is a new day. And for the first time in months I'm looking forward to the possibilities that it holds.

Where it was dark now there's light

Where there was pain now there's joy

Where there was weakness I found my strength

All in the eyes of a boy

OK, so wrong gender, but still, this lady really is singing my tune here.

Hush now! I see a light in the sky

Oh! It's almost blinding me

I can't believe

I've been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears

Let it feel my soul and drown my fears

Let it shatter the walls for a new sun

A new day has……

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears

Let it feel my soul and drown my fears

Let it shatter the walls for a new sun

A new day has come

Hush now! I see the light in your eyes

All in the eyes of a boy

I can't believe

I've been touched by an angel with love

I can't believe

I've been touched by an angel with love

Hush now!

A new day

Hush now!

A new day

"And that was Celine Dion, with the first single off her new album, 'A New Day Has Come'." The DJ's voice blasted over the speakers when the song wound down. Celine Dion huh? Never was the biggest fan, but the girl really seems to have my life down pat in that song.

"That's a really good song, don't you think? It kind of hits close to home." Willow, who's been standing there for god knows how long, says as she eases down into the chair beside me. She hands me a mug full of some kind of dark liquid and I wonder if she's just double checking that I took the antidote. She must see my apprehension because she smiles gently at me and explains. "Don't worry Buff, it's not anymore of that yucky antidote cocktail, just some herbal tea. I trust you, I know you took the serum when I gave it to you this time." That's my Will, trusting me even when she knows she probably shouldn't. I honestly don't know what I did to deserve that kind of faith that she has in me. But I thank my lucky stars now that she does. "You never did tell me why you didn't drink it the first time I gave it to you."

Uh-oh, how do I answer that one? 'Yeah Will, sorry about that, I was just worried that Spike was going to blab all about our numerous rolls around his crypt, so I decided the crazy life was better' As ridiculous as it sounds though, I really want to tell her the truth. I can't start moving on with my life until I've dealt with the mistakes of my past. "Actually about that Will, there's something I need to tell you, something I should have told you a while ago."

"Sure Buffy, you know you can tell me anything." She moves a little closer to me and looks right into my eyes, holding my gaze and giving me her full attention.

" Well, you see, I was sorta seeing someone. Well not really seeing someone, we never dated or anything, we just kinda, well we………" I trailed off not really knowing how to put into words what it was that Spike and I had. We didn't make love, nothing close to that. It was carnal, and animalistic, there was nothing at all loving about it. It wasn't even sex. We screwed, plain and simple. We didn't make love, we didn't have sex, we screwed like two small minded animals. God, it disgusts me to even think about it. But I can't just come right out and say that I was screwing someone, I'll scare Willow off even before she finds out who it was. "I was having sex with someone." Well that's as descriptive as I'm gonna get, she'll understand that in no uncertain terms.

"You uh, were, uh, sleeping with someone you weren't, well, dating? Not that it's a terrible thing or anything like that, it just well, you know it surprises me, and you're just not normally into stuff like that, cause well you've had relationships before not just, uh, sex and.." Ah, the return of Willow babble. How I've missed that. I used to love just letting her go, not stopping her, just to see if she'd wear herself out. I've always found it utterly adorable.

"Easy Will, disengage babble. Yes I was having sex with someone, someone that I never dated, someone I would never even consider dating. And I'm so ashamed of it." Willow placed her hand over top my own and gently squeezed, trying to comfort me as only she can.

"I don't understand though Buffy, why would you do that with a person you wouldn't even date?"

"I don't really even understand it myself sometimes. It was just sex. No love, no feelings, nothing. And I couldn't stop myself. I was like a moth drawn to the flame. I've been so detached since I've been back, and for some reason, when I was with him, I could forget all about that and just be, just exist." Even now that the freak show with Spike is over, I still can't really explain why I ever did it in the first place.

"But it's over then? I mean, you're not still sleeping with him are you?" If I didn't know better I would think that Willow seems a bit anxious about my answer, nervous even.

"No, I broke it off with him right after Riley left. And before you even ask, it had absolutely nothing to do with being jealous of Sam. But when I saw them together, when I saw how happy they were, it made me realize just how much I want to be happy too. And I could never be happy with this person, I don't love them, I know I never will." Honestly, I'm not sure what would have happened if Riley hadn't come back. I might still be sleeping with Spike, I might not be. But for the first time in a long time, I didn't want to settle for being completely miserable with Spike.

"Who?"

I know there's no turning back now, I've already loosened the cork, time to see where it flies.

"Spike."

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TBC