Rationale
- beep beep beep
-
- beep beep beep -
- beep beep be--
Dana Scully's hand
reached over from her bed, and drowsily pressed the snooze button on the alarm
clock. She sighed heavily, and opened her eyes to the ceiling of her quiet room.
Another day. Another long dragging day... She never used to not like getting
up in the mornings. She used to be able to get herself up, and block the world
from her precise mind until she could lay down at night, or sit in a chair in
her living room with a cup of coffee or tea. Stare blankly ahead, and clear
the cobwebs from behind her eyes...
How long had this
feeling persisted? Why did she even feel this way...? And what was there, beyond
this lifestyle? A question she could not answer herself. She was lonely.
She rolled over
on her side, casting her eyes away from the ceiling and towards the alarm clock.
She lifted a hand and shut it off. Scully closed her eyes, in a feeble attempt
for sleep, but it would not come, and was left to her thoughts again, no matter
how unpleasant she felt they were...
She was a single
woman. Supposed to be independent and a model for feminism... She was a FBI
agent, a scientist, a doctor. All those things asked her to be and stay rational,
and face all facts and all truths with the coldest shoulder, the most unbending
ideals. But how could one live under such high standards...? How could she ever...
Love. She had never
believed in it, truly. Yes, as a young medical student, swept away by her instructor...
She had wound up hurting many others in that affair... And since then, there
had been moments. A few dates here and there. No constants really... No one
she truly cared about... No one that was always there. That had cared for her
as much as she cared for the other.
What did she believe
in? Not anything except rationale. Her mind faded back to an English class...
Sophomore year?
"Rationalize."
the younger Scully read from a vocabulary book. "To make an excuse for.
To find another reason for an event."
The memory snapped
back quickly.
Scully rolled on
her other side.
Had all she had
done her entire life, perhaps to this very point in time, was to make excuses?
Made excuses for what she had seen, what she had not cared to believe? For her
father's death, and for her sister? She had loved them so much. Was it possible
that her sensitivity... Her semblance of thick skin was all a big ruse? No...
No... No she couldn't have made it all up. Cast all her fears into another shadow?
No, never.
And what about...?
Mulder? He was
a soul looking for answers Scully had never wanted to see. From the beginning,
he was something else entirely. And yet, after all they had been through, they
were constant. Partners.
She suddenly caught a glimpse form the past again. It was with a woman, a psychiatrist's
office. Past life? She had spoken of Mulder... Mulder's old lives converging
into the present. That woman and him, they were supposed to be together. Scully,
the ever present loved one, but always the friend...
But that woman
was delusional, and was dead now.
Was that another
excuse?
Was that...?
Her eyes snapped
open.
Nah... It wasn't.
There was nothing to it. Nothing at all. Funny the thoughts that came to her
while she lay in this quiet room. What time was it? Probably late...
Mulder was probably
at the office already.
Mulder. Why were
her thoughts always returning to that name, that face? He was there, present
and actually quite deeply etched in her memory... A taboo in some ways.
And what if she
broke the taboo? What taboo? Oh yes... The "business" relationship.
She made a face. She could feel a small flush on her cheeks, and buried her
face into the pillow.
Not like she hadn't thought of it before, only to banish it into the deepest
corners of her mind. Where the cobwebs and the blocked memories lay. She had
always trusted him (for now she would only refer to him as him, for calling
him by his name would only invite embarrassment.) implicitly. Maybe not as strong
as now... But he had cared about her, in her time of need.
He never knew.
The thought was
strange and foreign. Maybe he really didn't know how much his actions meant
to her. They did mean a great deal to her. In fact...
Why can't I...
But she banished
the thought again. When had she become so... So...
Denial.
No! It wasn't denial!
What was she denying? She had nothing to hide.
Him...
She shook her head...
No there was nothing more to him. Nothing more.
Admit it.
She rolled over
once more, tangling the blankets around her form, the early sunlight touched
the walls of her room. She closed her eyes slowly, fluttered her eyelashes...
Took a deep breath...
All right... Maybe there had been... Moments.
But that was all.
Mere moments. Moments, times when she half-wished... Half wished that their
friendship was not just... Friendship.
He knew her more
completely then anyone, and her compulsion to be drawn to him was a strong one.
She always trusted Mul-
Him, rather,
more than anyone else. He was there for her always. And despite all the times
when they had faced unbeatable, impossible odds, he had been there. When they
were to be separated, her heart and almost broken in two. She never thought...
Till death do
we part...
Smile. What? She
was smiling about her and him... Marriage? She couldn't understand why she was
still laying here... There was work to be done.
Scully had faced
him everyday for the past seven years. Seven long years, and yet they had never...
Never...
Kiss, touch?
Fall... Into inevitable...
They weren't inevitable!
They couldn't be.
Rationalize...
Make excuses.
Deny.
They had fought,
fought for the truth and all it stood for. The deepest truth. And yet, she,
the crusader... She could not admit to herself her own truth? The own answer
she could not own up to, for she was afraid?
Why?
Why indeed? Would
he reject her? Would it ruin everything... If she came...
Not as a friend...
Not only...
The pale blush
deepened slightly as Scully buried herself under the covers. The times had come,
at some moments, deep within a pool of loneliness, when her last spark, the
last small flame of hope had flickered and died out... That she had wished she
could run to him and have him hold her close.
But I could...
Could do that...
No... But not only
that, but have his love? Not as a sister... Or friend.
Love.
Maybe she should
tell him? But somehow the pictures wouldn't come... And the subconscious memory
she held of daydreams in a boring meeting... Thinking maybe... And then shocking
herself into reality. They came back.
Always withholding...
Tell him? Maybe
tell him and find his arms waiting... Could he feel the same?
Maybe I should...
Should try? Maybe he could love me... Love me and want me with him? Not just
as a friend...
But then what?
Would it be there...? What did she want? Too early... She should get up...
Tell him...
She would tell
him. Yes. Maybe just hint it... Maybe just subtly... This was crazy. In the
deepest sense of rationalization...
Make excuses.
No... No more excuses.
Tell him, and see.
She closed her
eyes, not wanting to think about that for a moment... Her heart was pumping
fast. He
could...
- ring
- ring
Scully was shaken
back into reality. She realized it was her cell phone. Why were her palms sweaty?
She reached over, slowly, took the phone... Her mind was racing.
Turn it on...
Tell him...
Ear to receiver.
Tell...
Speak.
Tell him.
Speak, now.
Tell him!
"Scully."
she said, somewhat hoarsely.
"Scully? Hey,
are you okay? You sound a little hoarse."
Mulder... She opened
her mouth to speak, closed it, opened it once more...
"Yeah... Ye-Yeah
I'm all right, I just woke up."
"Oh ok..."
"Is there
something wrong, Mulder?"
"No, nothing,
I was just calling to say the office is being fumigated today, and I called
Skinner... He
said we could have a day off."
"Oh. Oh all
right." she muttered. She cradled her forehead in her palm.
Silence.
"You sure
you're all right, Scully?"
A few moments...
Or were they merely seconds... Maybe hours?
Te...
She couldn't...
TELL HIM!
"Yeah... I'm
fine... But Mulder..."
"Yeah?"
She shifted, and
swallowed, and brushed a strand from her eyes.
"Scully, you
there?"
"Yeah..."
"So?"
"Never mind."
nothing.
"I'll see
you tomorrow."
- click
The agent got up
from bed, and walked to her bathroom, to start the day.
The thoughts had
died.
