Poster note.

Someone asked if I have Sue's POTW story because the link at Soompi is dead. I am not certain if it is even posted anywhere else but it probably exists in one of the Chinese forums in its original form. Since the link is dead and I know of no other, I will post Sue Baidu's story here. There are a total of 26 chapters. Incomplete. As far as I knew then, it seemed incomplete. I have no further updates regards this story.

Please note this story is NOT written by me. I am just throwing it up on FFN so fans will be able to read other YB/JH stories.

YB's Heart
Written By: Sue baidu

Translated by: azzuri

Prologue

I am a focused person. I am focused on drawing mountains, water, flowers, grass, people, animals. I draw out the scenery as seen through my eyes. Sometimes, I believe this is my entire life. So focused am I that I forgot myself, and the dust-sealed memories of my father. I suppose no lake remains calm forever. I never thought my quiet heart would be stirred by this gentle wind! Of course, if not for that excursion trip under the bridge, if not for that meeting in the cloth shop, if not for that birthday gathering, I believe I would never know such moving "scenery" existed on this earth. Only, I am confused by my gender, and confused by my feelings.

What should I do? Can I love with abandon? Can I be loved as I wish? Can our love be accepted?

I am very afraid. I am afraid she will leave me after learning the truth, and even more afraid she will continue loving me and be hurt! What should I do?

Chapter 1

The memory of my father grows distant in my mind. Lately, I have nearly forgotten his features. Moreover, each time I try to think of him, my head hurts in agonizing pain. Sometimes it hurts so badly that I nearly faint. My past memories are vanishing bit by bit, I don't know if this is fortunate or not. I only know, each time I try to forget, my heart still feels like it's being pulled by someone. I suppose I am not yet able to forget. My adopted father treats me well. Being adopted by him gave me a "home" that shelters me from the wind and rain. More importantly, it gave me the chance to carry on painting.

I guess he concealed my gender to protect my life, but why did he still let me enter the male-only Dohwaseo? Not just because he loves me so he wanted to improve my art? Ho ho, it doesn't matter. It is good so long as I can paint. Actually, my adopted father understands me well. I'm not willing to remain in the rigid Dohwaseo where that place fetters my creativity. Perhaps because of this reason, he disregarded the sacred day of painting the imperial dragon, and brought us all outdoors to paint the spring season. I was happy to go out.

Will Young-bok hyung share my feelings? My adopted father kept nagging us to remember this or that, and reminded us not to be impulsive. Ho, I think that was for me to hear! Because among the students, I am the one with most talent for "trouble". Nothing to fear, our student paintings are anonymous. Deep breath, the tip of my paintbrush travels across the mountain outline, I absorb the joy conveyed by my paintbrush. But never in my life did I expect this paintbrush will bring me the love of my life.

A group of gisaengs passing on the bridge attracted our attention. Everyone excitedly discussed their respective targets. Ho, never thought the yangban would wax lyrical over gisaengs. But I felt a strange feeling in my heart because I was also deeply captivated by a target. Under her hat, her alluring backward glance deeply stirred the depths of my heart. Unconsciously, my gaze followed her...I could not help wonder, I'm also a girl, why should I feel so lost? Could it be, after all these years, I had lost myself?

Chapter 2

I love drawing women most. Because a woman's heart is always more interesting than her face. I love to capture her expression at that moment and insert it into my painting. And my painting is absorbed by the woman! Today, I met a woman. She looked like a noble, but she seemed out of place in that deserted courtyard. Her face looked sad. Did you have a wish? Or a struggle? Or is your heart filled with despair? No matter, I was envious when I saw you. This expression, this result, who else can own this moment? I entered you into my drawing to preserve that moment, that shouldn't be a problem. (Thinking of that woman makes me smile)

And how did the beauty who made me lose my senses barge back into my vision? No, it should be me who barged into her vision! During the confusion, I hid in a cloth shop. I accidentally trod on her fabric. As I turned my head, she happened to glance at me. My still-thumping heart actually skipped a few beats. I pretended to rub my head and look away. Clumsy like a fool. How would she see me in her eyes? Ho, she gently pulled at the fabric, and pulled away my soul. I was lost in her outline.

My eyes wanted to uncover her entirety right away. I realized, I have really lost myself! Her figure drifted through the swaying fabric, rattling my senses. I walked close to her, testing out, "I followed the fragrance, and indeed saw a flower." To my surprise, a retort, "Where is there a butterfly that plucks flowers?" I smiled, this woman really thought I was a man. However, she was not aware I'm not the same as other men. I suddenly wanted to tease her. I said, "It's natural for a beautiful flower to attract butterflies."

Immediately, she shot back, "You cannot pluck just any flower." Ho ho, this woman is a prickly flower. "Where is there a flower that dislikes butterflies?"...I was secretly pleased with this line! Unexpectedly, this woman played me to humiliation. Ai, women. Looks like I still don't understand women, much less a beautiful and intelligent woman! I tossed down, "Too many thorns, this is not a flower but poison..." and fled. That was how I saved myself from ridicule. Regret! Should I have asked her name? Will I see her again?

Chapter 3

JH! May I speak to you like this? Since you were covered in thorns at first, I thought I will not be so easily led even if we met again. But that night at the birthday party, your music conquered me. I heard the sound of your heart. Are you also alone, questioning your existence, has life also hurt you so many times that all you are left with are memories and envy? Looking at your eyes, I felt like I saw myself.

I'm sorry, I didn't intend to block your path to make fun of you. I'm different from other men. I feel admiration towards you, and even more, empathy. That's why I'd hoped to spend the last night with your music. Without painting, my life has also ended. That five nyang to you was a pathetic sum, but to me, it was my everything. I am able to give you that five nyang, and also my love. Only you did not understand. As you coldly turned away, that hurt me even more. I don't know why you changed your mind. Is it because I grabbed your hand? I'm sorry, I should not have treated you so impulsively. No matter what happens, I knew inside your proud exterior lies a compassionate heart. A woman is beautiful because she is kind.

In front of you, I discovered I can abandon myself to my feelings. Guided by your gayageum music, all that my paintbrush skimmed over were your features. My heart was thinking, "Can I paint you without restraint?" Your eyes conveyed your heart to me, and I heard empathy in your music. Right this moment, your music is flowing for me. Then I must also fill my painting with your figure. This is my first time painting you, and possibly my last. When the music ended, I still saw the same alluring woman on the bridge. Only difference now, your eyes contain images of me. My heart cried, what can I offer to repay your love.

Under the alcohol, I was unable to think properly. In a trance, I heard you say that my teacher was my only hope. Is that so? I don't know, and I don't want to know. When you saw me fall asleep, you covered me in a blanket. This must be the first time you ever allowed a man to spend the night as the covers were filled with your scent, fragrant like your name. I closed my eyes and listened to your movements. You lit incense, gently extinguished the candle and closed the door. In the solitude of the night, my heart grew calm. Perhaps you were right, my teacher is my hope, I am not one who can give up painting, and how can I give up so easily?

JH, thank you for your kindness and composure, and thank you even more for your suggestion. Once again I learn that you are an intelligent woman. I began to think of you again till I could not help sleeping. But when dawn comes, how am I supposed to face you? My future rests only on hope, and even then I only have one hope, what can I offer you? Forgive my leaving without saying goodbye. But my heavy heart still hoped: Is there a time when I can return? When I return, will you be playing your gayageum and waiting for me? Even with feathers plucked, the bird never stops flying If the string snaps, will the music stop? If I awake from sleep, will the dream go on?

Chapter 4

"You are still so beautiful..."

I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought the bleeding pain can clear my mind and numb my heart. But the pain did not lessen. Hyung had left and my teacher was implicated. Why did painting a woman cause so much trouble? Men can get together and speak of nothing but women. They can lose their minds staring at passing women. Why do people who like me get hurt? If I'm unable to protect them, how useless can I get? But why did you appear before me now, of all times? Why did you cry for me? Seeing you cry makes my heart feel worse. Leave me alone, I can't accept everyone's concern, but most especially your tears. "Hyung, don't go..."

I was alone in the darkness as Hyung's figure retreated into the distance. Mocking laughter and scoldings echoed around my ears. Hyung, you have protected me since we were young. Why is that I cannot do anything for you? I tore your dreams with my own hands, Hyung, I am sorry! Hyung! Sorry! I started to shiver and couldn't grab hold of my Hyung. I was scared and even more, helpless. I had never felt so disheartened in my . Just when I was blacking out, a pair of warm hands grabbed my hand. I gave in to my basic instinct and enjoyed this warmth. Like seeing the sun amidst darkness. My heart found its corner, and I sensed a familiar fragrance that can only belong you. My heart smiled sadly. Turns out I have returned. But it was not your gayageum sounds which greeted me, but your tears. Don't persuade me to return there. That place is full of Hyung's memories. What can I draw? All is gone. I might as well die. I don't know anything anymore

Why did you lower yourself to enter Dohwaseo to find my teacher? This is my own problem and I don't need anyone's help. I hated those men. They must have pointed and ogled at you. Why didn't you look out for yourself? JH, I am sorry. You always manage to make me care for you in spite of myself. I know you do understand me. You knew my heart can never give up painting. But how can I let you sacrifice yourself like this? And how can I ever repay you?

Chapter 5

"Why do we paint?" "I don't know. Painting is like eating, if I don't paint, I can't eat." "So stop worrying, and start painting!"

Ever since Hyung left, I felt lost. I kept asking myself why I must paint. When Teacher said I was "born to paint", I think I understood a little. My heart felt like it'd been freed. I started to feel happier. Teacher didn't give up on me. And I have no reason to give up on myself. When my teacher dragged me out to stroll around, I happened to see your maid. I remembered I had not seen you since the day my teacher took me away from your place. My heart felt apologetic. Did you miss me since our parting? As I browsed through the colorful accessories in the marketplace, I was captivated by a butterfly ornament. I played with it, attracting the curious glances of two girls. The butterfly shape made me think of you again. Did a beautiful flower like you attract another butterfly? I couldn't help laughing at this thought. (Rubbing my chin in my usual habit)

After I returned to Dohwaseo, I came to realize painting is not my life but a skill. I can give up my life, but I cannot cut away my skill. Taking up the paintbrush is something I must do in this life. I really wanted to see you. But I promised Teacher that I would focus on the exam, and fight for the chance to remain here. I could only suppress my urge to see you. Wait for me. I chose the exam question that no one else had chosen. Not because I wanted to be special, but because I thought of you. Your expressions and grace when playing the gayageum always moves me. I knew I can only draw a scenery that inspires me as much as you do. Never before was I aware that this world is so colorful.

There was music everywhere, like your gayageum. Does your music come from this rich and vibrant life? I seemed to understand why I was conquered by your music. Because you already found the "life" in music and art that still eludes me. Breaking off, the swing is raised to the sky Both sleeves gather wind like drawn bows. So engrossed up high unaware her skirts have parted Her eyes blaze when she noticed her shoe tips have come out.

Oh! I was dressed as a man. No wonder the ajummas mocked me. But where is the swinging place? Just as I was thinking, a garishly dressed woman beckoned to me, and said she knew many things! Ho ho, this woman. Turns out only a flower with thorns is attractive. I looked at her but thought of you. A "bad idea" entered my mind and I decided to try it out. She really fell for it. Ho ho, sorry. In helping myself, I punished the wild flower's impertinence. Dressed as a woman, I experienced feelings that never existed for me. As if I myself am a flower that can attract the eyes of "butterflies". Unconsciously, I lightened my steps.

At the Chucheon valley. An inviting scent permeates everywhere. Crystal clear water, green woods and colorful "flowers" competing to outshine each other. As I stepped into this Eden, I had a strange feeling, as if I was peeping in. I felt shy and out of step. Looking at the women playing in the water, my soul flew back to me. I laughed at my foolishness. I'm also a girl. How could I have forgotten myself? At the sight of skirts swaying in the sky, my heart soared upwards. The women's happy cries gave me a place to free myself. Yet, I became nervous when they spoke to me. Ho ho, I'd forgotten again. I am a girl. I just had to be myself. A familiar fragrance dragged me from my thoughts. Are you here? I followed the fragrance and indeed saw the outline that made me lose my senses.

My longing for you surfaced. Should I approach and speak to you? What will happen if you recognized me? But I could not control my impulse. Perhaps I was fortunate. When our gazes met, your eyes were only curious. I was secretly relieved you did not recognize me. You turned your head away and casually recited, "Breaking off, the swing is raised to the sky. Both sleeves gather wind like drawn bows." I was conquered by your intellect. Unable to stop myself, I recited, "So engrossed up high unaware her skirts have parted." You turned to me as I finished, "Her eyes blaze when she noticed her shoe tips have come out." Right this moment, your eyes were laughing at me. My heart started running wild again. In front of you, I'm like a puppet whose emotional strings are controlled by you. I thought, even if I am a girl, surely I still have the right to love you.

When the crisp bells rang out, you asked if I wanted to go on the swing together. How can I reject your invitation? But, why me? I grabbed the ropes and took a deep breath. You teasingly asked if it was my first time and advised me to hold on tight to the ropes. I felt slightly awkward. Your two words "Hwagong" effectively shattered my merriment. So you already recognized me. It seems I'm unable to hide anything from you. And I really don't want to hide anything, do you understand? When you grabbed hold of my injured hand, you also grabbed hold of my heart. Together we swayed in the sky. Clear breeze blew past my face. Warmth of your hands on mine. I was immersed in this Eden. I saw the scenery that I wanted to see. I was so excited right then that I wanted to describe my feelings to you. But you still looked so composed, did you not feel the same? Or were you unaware of my emotional state?

Chapter 6

"I still haven't seen this woman's heart!" Kye Wyol's gibang. As you played your gayageum, I slowly unfolded my painting. Your eyes shone. I knew I have opened the long-closed door to your heart. But I'm still not sure, should I open this door at all? When I invited you to enter my painting, why didn't you reject me? With your intelligence, did you already guess that I am a girl? As I watched you calmly extinguish the candle, I hesitated. How can I ask a person whom I met by chance to undress for me, even if that person is a gisaeng. What makes me different from the other despicable men? However, when your skirt drifted slowly to the ground, reason deserted me. What I saw was a finely crafted treasure, and not a naked woman. My gaze traveled over your body. As carefully as my hands touched every inch of your skin. I wanted to carve you into my mind and heart.

When I close my eyes from now, I will still see your figure. Your eyes were trusting. You asked if you can remain in my painting, and I nodded. Because I already knew I will never forget you. Besides, I feel an undescribable feeling towards you. But you wanted to remain in my heart! My heart? I was speechless. So you do not know my real gender at all. What I can say in response to your love? The more expectant you looked, the more helpless I felt. The more anxious you looked, the sadder I felt. The more loving you looked, the more panicky I became. When I look at you, I see myself. Because we are two lost souls. I felt a sudden sadness for both of us. I picked up your discarded jeogori, intending to soothe your emotions. I really shouldn't have let you fall into this state, but there is nothing else I can offer you.

"Which man will refuse a woman like you?" "Which man will treat a woman like you lightly?"

If you see me as a woman, I cannot reciprocate. If you see me as a man, how can I refuse you? If you see me as a woman, maybe that made it easier for you to undress for me. If you see me as a man, I should treasure you and not treat you lightly. Do you understand my dilemma? Perhaps this will take time. All I can do right now is help you re-tie your jeogori. Still, I saw from your eyes that by tying your jeogori, I have also tied a knot on your heart.

Chapter 7

"My woman."

Lately, this thought keeps popping into my mind. Every time I think of our conversations and the things you have done for me, I can't help laughing in joy. Perhaps this is love. I have never thought of anyone else like this. Even if you are in front of me, I will still think of you. These feelings brought a sweetness to my heart, but at the same time, I have never felt more despondent. How does one go about feelings that can never be accepted by society? One day when you learn the truth, how will you accept that your heart that loves a man has actually been loving me in my woman's body?

This is a mess! Even then, my heart still soars when I think of you. Love, my foolish love. Because you now exist in my painting, plain ink took on a life of its own. Thanks to you, I managed to get past the exam. Recognition is a good feeling. And I wanted to share this joy with my beautiful person. I didn't sleep that night, so eager was I to see you next day. On the way to see you, I saw the butterfly ornament again. It was still so pretty. It was time to find an "owner" for it, and only a beautiful flower like you can match it.

I pushed open your doors as if I were returning home. You looked delighted to see me. My heart felt pleased. So it wasn't just my imagination! I wanted to hide my pleasure and appear more composed at the same time. So I jokingly informed you that I'd passed the exam, and waited to see your happy reaction. However, I also saw a playfulness in your humor, just like the time we were on the swing. You always manage to gain a slight upper hand over me. But I love being teased by you. How I wish this feeling can go on every day. Without the eyes of society, perhaps we can be more natural.

You had a guest so you had to go out, and asked me to wait for your return. How I wish you didn't have to go. Since you insisted, I didn't want to change your mind because I read the apology in your eyes. JH, I'm sorry that you lowered your pride for me but there is really nothing I can give you. I'm truly sorry! As I looked at your departing figure, my heart filled with affection. Turning around, I figured you will return soon and felt happier again. I realized, waiting for your return is also a form of happiness.

Chapter 8

I'm sorry, Hyang-ah. I said I would wait for your return, but I had to leave. But you don't have to feel sad. The butterfly didn't leave because there was no flower in the house. Wait for me. I will return in two days and I have an important gift for you. To me, that is a gift representing my love for you. Wait for me. I supposed we will part some day, but never thought it will be so soon. Do we have to separate permanently, even before our appointment and before I can present you with my gift? Every past moment is inside my heart.

This time, I really wanted you to stay. Because you were the first person to move my heart. Every time our eyes met, our hearts grew closer. You understood my heart, and I understood yours. When I was in pain, you cried for me. When I was happy, you wore a calm smile. You sacrificed everything for me, but I can only witness you living in misfortune. Remember our appointment? Wait for me, wait for me! When I told you"don't go" that first time, you said you had to leave. Do we really end this way? Do I have to watch you in tears, praying tomorrow never arrives? Perhaps, this is so. I hate my uselessness. When you said you wanted to play one last tune for me, is this your way of saying goodbye?

My heart was rebelling: "No, I really don't want to be this way. Without your music, there will no longer be a connection between us. Please don't take away my love with your music!" As your fingers strummed every note, I heard your sorrow. Every note that spoke of your emotions and helplessness was imprinted on my heart. When the music ended, the tears dried. Or perhaps my heart followed your last note into oblivion. All that remained was an unbearably painful longing. Nong hyeon? You were waiting for my nong hyeon! You lightly pushed away the gayageum, and told me besides the gayageum, a woman's body is the best musical instrument to be played by a man. All you wanted was to be possessed by the person you love before you were sold off.

So this was what you meant by nong hyeon. But what should I do? I'd never thought to possess you in this way. Moreover, I cannot possess you this way. As if performing a sacred ritual, you slowly removed your jeogori, your chima, your gache and let down your braids. But my heart felt shattered. Every movement you made increased my panic. Can I tell you the truth? If you find out the truth, won't you be even more heartbroken? Will you understand that I fell in love with your heart at will? I began to despise my female self, loathing myself for falling for you despite knowing I am a female. Seeing you cry hurt my heart. The person who hurt you most turned out to be me. Even if I were to die a thousand times, I would still owe you for this. You sat there expectantly waiting for me.

Ah, JH, you were still waiting for me. I would have felt better if you'd stabbed me with your knife instead. Tonight, I must reveal the truth to you. I had no idea whether to start. Gingerly, I said, "To me, you are my only lover but I cannot have your body." But these words were already a blow to you. You even abandoned your pride and pleaded with me. Your humility made me lose control of my emotions. No, I have never despised you. In my heart, you are more precious than any other. I love you in the same manner that I love myself. No, I love you even more than that. Because whenever I look at you, I see my lost self. I wanted to love and compensate you. Don't ask why.

This is my greatest secret and the greatest damaging weapon to you. All along, I did not intend to deceive you. I truly never wanted to hurt you. But as my love deepened, some words simply could not be spoken. Perhaps I selfishly wanted to enjoy your love for a little longer. Now that you have laid bare your feelings for me, I can only use the same method to reveal the truth. I hoped you will not hate my love for you. Hesitantly, I unfastened my clothing. I saw your tears falling. Were you crying for yourself? Or for the end of our love? This may be the last time that I will possess your tears.

There was a loud noise outside the door. The people who stormed in disrupted our sadness. Scoldings followed. We momentarily forgot our sorrow. I pleaded with them for a chance to fulfil your last wish and my last explanation, but all I could offer you was the weakest form of protection. No one understood us. In their eyes, I was a lecherous scoundrel, and you were a shameless gisaeng. Suddenly, I felt pathetic for I could not even protect the person I loved. When you pulled out your chastity knife, I felt everyone looked at you anew.

Your true emotions were devastating. When you cut off part of your braid and presented it to me, you calmly told me it was the last time. I absorbed your courage and confidently replied that we will meet again. Wherever a flower goes, a butterfly will follow. Only a matter of time. You said we will never meet again. Yet you wanted to perform that honorary bow. Your bow represented both love and respect. I blinked back my tears in empathy and helplessness. Everything we had has come to an end. Since you are still unaware of the truth, will you live out the rest of your life in love with me? Or will you spend your life pining for an unattainable love? My longing for you is now a habit. But where does a butterfly like me search for the flower?

Take care, my love, Hyang-ah.

Chapter 9
(Sue's Note: From now, part of the story will change to accommodate a JH/YB story. Sorry for any differences)

[Sue's poem]
Once I dreamed that we spent nine days together But reality was sad for two sparrows
I see my love even though we never meet
You and I will have to continue our fate in the next life.

Without you, my life has become boring and day, I think of different ways to numb myself, and force myself not to think of you. Yet my pain only increased. Occasionally, my teacher will say we have to draw something, but my drawings seemed to lose their colors. Without you, my paintings lost their souls. My life no longer had a direction. I abandoned myself to drink. I loved how I could still feel your presence under the alcohol's influence. My teacher is a good person. He kept me company and listened to my ramblings about you, though he initially laughed that a youngster like me will not know of love. But Love doesn't care whether you are a man or woman, alive or dead. Perhaps my teacher understood my words since he may already have a woman in his heart.

I am not a strong person. So I don't know how much longer I will carry on like this. I only know that I dreamt of you when I'm asleep, and miss you when I'm awake. Perhaps my longing is deeply embedded within me. However, I also began to grow angry as I remembered my unfortunate parents and my own life, and our sad love. I began to feel these events were caused by the villain who murdered my parents. Blood must be repaid in blood.

Chapter 10

Kim Jo-nyeon. A well-known person. He was of low-born status, an abandoned orphan in the marketplace. Relying on his intelligence and quick instincts, he became a self-made man. Now he is the most influential businessman in the market known for trading in silks and paper. His business connections even extended to the royal court. Truly a man to be admired. Hyang-ah, you will never lack for anything if you married him. What would life as the "golden sparrow" of this man be like? You can lead a leisurely life without worries for your next meal or clothing. If you are able to lead such a life, will you really forget me? At this point, my heart shivered. How I hope this will not come true. But I know you are a decisive person. You will carry out your words. If you really forget about me, should I be angry with you? Or should I be happy for you? Perhaps I should be happy for you. I love you, but there is nothing I can offer. At least you will be loved and doted on if you married him instead. This may be your best choice.

At first, I didn't know where you were going so I wanted to see you one last time. I suppose there is no further need now. Beloved, forget me and live on in happiness. As for me, I will be happy if you think of me once in a while. Having known your whereabouts, my aimless heart slowly landed. I still miss you very, very much, but I have learnt to control myself. When my longing goes out of control, I numb myself with alcohol and lapse into unconsciousness. Isn't this artistic? I often mocked myself. But I always felt my emotions tend towards extremities. The hatred long buried within my heart surfaces as a reminder of my existence. Or what I should do. When I was young, there was nothing I could do. When I had the ability later, I forgot my revenge because of love. Now I have nothing left. It's time to avenge my parents' tragic deaths, and do something for my life. But what should I do? I don't know. Past memories flicker in my mind, but the fear amidst darkness is very real. Will I face a battle onto death? I can only brace myself and face it alone. Right now, if you are by my side, will I feel less alone?