Author's Note: I know, I know, I haven't finished "You Know Who" yet. Its getting there. But this idea popped into my head the other night, and I enjoy stuff that's weird and dark, so here's my shot at weird and dark. Very dark, very weird. But alas, given this is my first try at such a thing, its only as good as a first try can be, if you catch my drift.

If you don't like Raph walking the fine line between sanity and batshit crazy, then this isn't the fic for you. Sorry, folks. Otherwise, have a read, leave a review, leave suggestions, whatever you feel... Unless you wanna tell me to eat shit and die or something like that. That's not so nice, especially since I dont have a beta reader (*shrug* I do what I can). But constructive criticism is awesome, guys!

Like the summary says, this fic will follow the arc of the Ninja Turtles films (I, II, III and TMNT), and will try not to disturb any of the happenings that took place during them, but give you a inside look at how our dear Raphie Boy gets to where he ends up by the end of the fic. I cant make any promises that there will be a happy ending, so dont get your hopes up. It'll get darker before the dawn. Sorry.

That goddamn news lady. Fuckin' April O'Neil, Channel 3 News.

Yeah, I knew who she was. I watched her almost every night. With her wavy, red hair, and those shoulder blades that didn't quit. Of course she'd be the first broad we rescued. Walkin' out to that goddamn news van all by herself in the dark, she was asking for trouble. Of course my fearless leader of big brother was right there, ready to swoop in, all antsy to prove to our father that we knew what we were doing.

Yeah, right, the fuck we did. We were fuckin' amateurs, bumblin' 'round in the dark like that after Leo insisted I take out the street light with my sai. I lobbed it up at the light and managed to bust the bulb, but of course in the dark I couldn't see where it landed.

The scuffle was so quick that we had to bail as soon as we had the goons tied up. I didn't get a chance to find my sai before we were scurrying back down the manhole, and I was watching Ms. O'Neil as she spotted my weapon, grabbed it and stuffed it in her big ass purse. The nerve of the bitch, takin' shit that wasn't hers. But what else should I have expected from a nosey investigative reporter?

"Damn."

I couldn't let my brothers know I'd fucked it up. Fearless was so damn giddy when we got back to the lair, telling our father, Splinter, how we'd kicked those goons asses all over the pavement. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't hold my tongue. Partly cause I couldn't stand watchin' Leo gloat about how good we were. We weren't that good. And cause I was guilty, I wasn't supposed to ever lose a weapon like that, I knew that for sure.

"I lost a sai!" It flew outta my mouth before I realized what I was sayin', "But I can get it back! I can get it back!"

All eyes were on me, along with my younger brother's fuckin' reassuring hand on my shoulder. The fuck did I need that for? I shoved him off, probably harder than I needed too. Harder than I meant to anyway, and the usually passive little shit shoved me back. The hell is this, a goddamn shoving match?

I gave him a hard push, a grunt accompanying it. If he wanted to take it there we could take it there. I'd fight him in front of our father, I didn't care, he touched me first. I don't know why he thought it'd be a good idea to lay a hand on me right now, gentle or not, I don't do that comforting bullshit, that ain't me anymore.

There was a noise of disapproval from Splinter that halted me. Mighta been a Japanese word, I don't know. I never studied up on my father's native tongue as much as my big brother, Goody Two-Shoes. I don't know. Whatever it was, it stopped me. Shit, I couldn't even look at Splinter or Donnie at that point. I was fuckin' fumin'! I was mad at Leo for even suggestin' we go up to the surface lookin' for trouble, mad at him for thinkin' takin' out the street light was a good idea, mad at myself for losin' my sai in the dark, and mad at that goddamn news lady for havin' the fuckin' audacity to steal shit that didn't belong to her in the first place.

I was in a red, angry haze. Splinter was sittin' there lecturing us, all of us, but I knew what he was saying was about me. Shit bein' hard for me underground, havin' to stay invisible. Yeah, I got it sensei, I know I been goin' through some shit lately, I been surface antsy. I been angry. I been withdrawn. I been depressed. I ain't been who I used to be and you barely recognize me anymore. I picked up a temper. I got it. And I got that dig you took at me about staying invisible too. I was tryin', and losing my weapon like that, to a journalist of all people, mighta just gave us away.

By the time my two youngest brothers starting dickin' 'round with the radio I hadda get outta there. I put on my trench coat and my hat, and bailed.

But of course shit didn't get any better for me up top. I ran into some hockey mask wearing freak, got my ass kicked, got hit by a taxi. My head was clouded, I was too angry at that red-headed bitch. I couldn't get her outta my mind. The thought of her out there somewhere in the city, grippin my sai in her tiny little hands, inspecting it like she mighta even had a clue what it was or how to use it.

Pfft, who was I kiddin', she didnt know how to use something like that.

By the time I got home my head was even more fucked up. Probably from taking a cricket bat to the face, and from that O'Neil woman running through it. She'd scraped up her knees pretty good when one of those assholes tackled her. It was a shame too, she looked like she had some nice legs.

Fuck, why I am I even thinkin' about her legs? I need to find her and get my damn sai back.

I took off my coat and my hat and shoved them up on the coat rack, not even bothering to hang them properly. It didn't matter. I didn't see the point in keepin' shit neat and orderly, we lived in a goddamn sewer. I needed to sleep. I probably had a concussion from that cricket bat. Or the taxi. I don't know. I needed to sleep though. Sleep and first thing in the morning find that O'Neil woman.

Before I could even get fully into what we considered to be out living area my father called my name. It was gentle, but I knew it was another backhanded lecture that I was too tired for. I'd fucked up, how many times was he gonna rub it in? Couldn't he let it go already?

Halfway through and I was breaking, emotionally breaking. Tears streaming down my face. He didn't know what was wrong with me, what my problem was lately, why I'd gotten so lost in some dark place in my head. I didn't know either. All I knew was I'd been trying to hide it as long and as best I could. It'd always pop up though, in some sort of fiery rage that didn't make any sense to everyone on the outside. Hell, if I'd gotten another shove in at Donny earlier I mighta ripped his arm off and beat him with it.

I knew Splinter was worried about me, he couldn't get through to me. But I was worried too, I was worried cause I couldn't get through to me either when I was like that. Yeah, I had some logic somewhere in me, but it turned off. It turned off with everything else and all my energy was focused on hiding the fact that I was lost in some dark recess of my own head with shit scarier than anything my brother Michelangelo could ever see in one of those monster movies he was always bugging me to watch with him.

I wiped my tears with the tails of my mask, the red immediately catching my eye as I let it fall from my hand and onto my shoulder. It was such a stark contrast against my green skin. Kinda reminded me of that O'Neil woman's red hair. Wonder what those wavy red locks would look like against my shoulder. Bet all that hair smells good too, like lavender or whatever women's shampoo smells like.

I shook my head, stuffing the butts of my palms against my eye sockets as I stood and backed away from my father as quickly as I could. I needed to sleep, I needed to sleep and get that bitch off my mind. In the morning I'd find her, get my sai back, and be done with her.