A/N Hey y'all, I should probably be working on my next chapter for "A World Of Nothing," but I was being lazy and procrastinating (as usual) and was browsing through the Fairy Tail fanfics and I came across a lot of LucyxReverse Harems and I was like, "Wow, lucky girl." And then I decided to try writing my own-except, there's gonna be this big twist at the end that you guys are DEFINITELY not going to expect!

I hope.

Extended Summary: Modern AU. Should she choose the sweet next-door neighbor, the childhood friend who's always "friend zoned," the player who turns into a puddle of mush around her, the nerd with an IQ of over 200, the popular heartthrob who just so happens to have his sights set on her, the goth boy who hangs out in the corners of the room and always speaks in riddle, the delinquent who somehow makes beating people into pulp seem romantic, etc. The possibilities are endless! Oh, boy, Lucy Heartfilia's life is just so hard! Crack.

Warnings: ABSOLUTE CRACK, Lucy's reverse harem, mentions of yaoi and yuri, swearing, perverts, shameless flirting, face-palm situations, characters who you just want to bitch slap, modern AU, shameless use of teen fiction clichés, heavy sarcasm, dark themes (that I use in order to create a satire-the way I portray them IS NOT what I think of in real life, I swear, fanfiction has just turned me into a horrible, horrible person), OOCness from practically everyone (mainly Lucy, though), extreme bipolarness and randomness from practically everyone (especially Lucy)

I DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM WITH THIS PORTRAYAL OF STEREOTYPES THAT I PERSONALLY DO NOT AGREE WITH. I DO NOT MEAN TO INSINUATE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM THAT ANYTHING IN THIS STORY IS ACCEPTABLE OR EXPECTED, BECAUSE A LOT OF THEMES IN THIS ARE NOT. This was all written for comedy's purpose, I swear, though I bet it was a failed attempt at humor.

Disclaimer: I have no patience for anything that doesn't involve chocolate, so you see, creating two anime series with over a hundred episodes each would not be my forte. So, I do not own Fairy Tail, I do not claim to own Fairy Tail, and that is that.

Take One

The day begins as usual: Lucy Heartfilia wakes up in her silk-swathed, luxurious king-sized bed (despite the fact that her family should be in financial straits due to her father's gambling problem, which has already somehow managed to pawn away not only all of the money his once successful enterprise generated for him, but also her keys, which explains why every time she comes home, something is different about it, and why the Head Maid, Aquarius, is always waiting for her with a water-filled urn on hand), sits up, stretches, looks at her reflection in the enormous mirror set up directly across from the bed, and says, "Wow, I am ugly."

And she is-just look at that disgustingly sleek and shiny blonde hair, those repulsing, warm chocolate brown orbs (and why are they called orbs in the first place-it's not like an oracle can just look into her eyes and read the future, right?), her fat, curvy thighs, her horribly perky breasts, even that-and this is the worst of all-perfectly smooth, tanned, and flawless skin!

How can anyone bear to even look at her?

Tears streaming down her face, she cried over how ugly, worthless, and weak she is. She stumbles out of bed and heads toward the bathroom, reaching out with a shaky hand for the medicine cabinet, but before she can do anything, a hand wraps tightly around her wrist and she finds herself falling against a solid chest.

"Shh, it's okay, don't ruin your body with anything like pills and razors and ropes, you don't need those because you are beautiful inside."

Lucy calms down for a few seconds in the arms of her next-door neighbor, Gray Fullbuster (how he managed to get into her room without her knowing, she will never know, but it doesn't matter that a potential pervert-I mean, if you have a habit of stripping, there's no way that you're not a pervert-has easy access to her bedroom), before his words finally register in her brain and she bursts into tears again.

Despite being sweet and empathetic, Gray, like most boys these days, has no idea how to comfort a crying girl, and he begins to panic. "L-Lucy, are you okay? Do you need anything? What did I say? Are you okay? Do you want pancakes? I know you love pancakes. Where's your dad? How about your mom-oh, wait, I forgot that she's dead. Oh, shit, I didn't mean-what I meant was that-I-Lucy!"

With every word that comes out of his mouth, her sobs grow louder and louder, her self-hatred growing and growing until she's practically consumed in a black hole of self-loathing. "You-you said I was only pretty on the inside! Waah! I'm so UGLY!"

Gray's eyes widen, but before he can say anything, the door slams open, and Lucy's personal maid, Virgo, grabs him and throws him down the laundry chute. His screams echo throughout the house, even as Virgo declares monotonously, "Hime-sama, your birthday breakfast is ready."

Lucy's tears immediately disappear, and the puffiness of her eyes and red-tipped nose immediately disappear, along with the tear stains that were running across her cheeks just a second ago. Her brightest, million-watt smile pulls across her lips and, forgetting that she hasn't brushed her teeth or combed her hair yet, she squeals, "YAAY!"

Even though it seems that every day is her birthday (yesterday, daddy bought her a whole cluster of stars, which look like a creepy clock/ship if she squints hard enough-and yes, it is an oddly specific shape, and yes, it was bought on purpose), Lucy bounds down the stairs, practically melting as the aroma of buttermilk pancakes that hold a dash of vanilla in their batter, smothered in maple syrup, salted butter, strawberries, chocolate chips, and whipped cream reaches her nose.

"Mooo, Lucy-san, your body is just as beautiful as yesterday!" Taurus shouts in a terrifyingly high-pitched voice as Lucy flounces into the kitchen, having somehow changed into a simple outfit of skinny jeans and a ruffled tank top that somehow manages to cling to and bring out all of her stunning curves, as well as dusted a simple, natural look of silver glitter eyeshadow, blood red lipstick, bronzer, foundation, and whatever else girls need to look pretty (don't worry, her makeup and clothes will somehow manage to change at least a million times throughout the day, despite the fact that she only ever goes to the bathroom to overhear her archenemy gossip about what a "slut" and "attention-whore" she is) over her face without even going to her closet or vanity once. Even though she had just been bawling her eyes out in Gray's arms a few minute prior about being the ugliest thing on the planet, she easily accepts her private chef's compliment and blows him a kiss without making a fuss, sitting down and immediately taking a huge bite out of the stack of twenty pancakes sitting on the table in front of her.

After she finishes, she glances at the clock and realizes that she's late (the thought that she hasn't seen her father this morning despite the fact that he no longer has a job and technically has no money to spend on gambling either tickles the edges of her consciousness, but then she decides that he's not important enough to distract from school life). Grabbing her school bag, which magically appeared next to her chic suede boots, Lucy runs out of her enormous "foreclosure" mansion.

Lucy manages to arrive at school on time, despite leaving only five minutes before the first bell rings (dun, dun, dun, SUPERWOMAN, dun dun dun), and drops into her seat.

Glancing around, she sighs despondently upon realizing that she's the only person without a person sitting next to her. How pathetic.

Seconds after that thought, the door slams open and everyone in the room immediately shuts up as Fairy High's resident delinquent, Gajeel Redfox, struts in like he owns the place. Without preamble, he stalks across the classroom and drops into the seat right next to Lucy. Turning in his seat, he flashes a sharp smirk at her. "Hey, Bunny Girl. Wanna watch me beat some guys into a pulp, then come back home with me and have shower sex?"

Lucy slowly blinks at him before she blushes and, ducking her head down, shyly glances at him out of the corners of her eyes. Oh my gosh...THE Gajeel Redfox is talking to me...am I hallucinating? "I..."

"Of course she doesn't want to, you hunk of metal!"

Lucy's head snaps up at the sound of her childhood friend's explosive voice-Natsu Dargneel. Grinning madly, the pink-haired boy leaps over tables and lands in between Lucy and Gajeel.

Gajeel sneers, raising an eyebrow filled with piercings at Natsu. "What're you gonna do about it, huh, Flame Brain?"

Natsu's eyes narrow and, cocking his hand back, slams his fist into Gajeel's face. Even though Natsu's only experience with any sort of physical activity is fishing, he somehow manages to knock out the delinquent famous for getting in brawls (that explains all that messy hair-seriously, Gajeel, Lucy really thinks that he should be introduced to the invention called a "comb"). Natsu immediately lets out a high-pitched scream and cradles his broken hand, but Lucy pries his hands apart and lightly kisses his split knuckles, and he feels all better (completely forgetting that he should probably go to the hospital-punching Gajeel's face is equivalent to punching a metal sheet).

"You're the best friend ever!" Lucy squeals, throwing her arms around Natsu, whose face looks as if all of his dreams were shattered and he can never pick them up again.

"Luce, I've got to tell you something," Natsu breathes, even as the teacher finally comes in, thirty minutes late (the period is almost over! "I'm sorry!").

"What is it?" she whispers back, not exactly sure why she's whispering, but it's not like she cares.

Pulling back, Natsu stares into Lucy's innocent chocolate brown orbs.

Sucking in a deep breath, he practically screams, "LUCE, I'VE BEEN LYING TO YOU FOR TEN YEARS! I'M ADOPTED-MY FATHER ABANDONED ME SEVEN YEARS AGO AND MACAO JUST HAPPENED TO FIND ME-EXCEPT MY REAL FATHER ISN'T JUST ANY PERSON-HE'S ACTUALLY A DRAGON, AND I'M HALF-DRAGON, HALF-HUMAN. I FOUND OUT THAT MY FATHER WAS THE KING OF ALL DRAGONS AND THAT APPARENTLY HE WAS ASSASSINATED BY THE FATHER OF THAT JERK-" At this point, he points at Gajeel, who has miraculously gained consciousness and is now smirking at Natsu. "-AND TWO OTHER JERKS' FATHERS, AND NOW I KNOW THAT MY DESTINY IS TO AVENGE HIM, BUT THEN I MET YOU, AND IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE, INCLUDING THOSE THREE JERKS, IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU, BUT I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN, SO I'VE POSTPONED THAT ENTIRE 'REVENGE' THING UNTIL I CAN SAFELY SAY THAT NO GUYS WILL BE COMING WITHIN A TEN-MILE RADIUS OF YOU, AND EVEN THEN, THEY'LL HAVE TO PAY A FINE TO EVEN BREATHE THE SAME AIR YOU DO, AND-"

"Woah, woah, woah, hold up." Lucy waves her hands in the air, cutting of Natsu's tirade. Her eyes are wide, and for a moment, everyone thinks that she's either going to: a) blow up at Natsu for lying to her for ten years, b) burst into tears because his backstory is just so sad, c) run as far away from him because he's an insane asylum escapee, or d) bang him right then and there for being so thoughtful.

She chooses option "e."

"And what the hell does any of that have to do with me?" Lucy asks in a bored tone. I'm obviously superior to him, so I have no idea why he's telling me all this.

Natsu takes another deep breath. "BECAUSE I THINK WE'RE MATES, LUCY!"

Silence.

"EHHHHHHH?" Shocked screams erupt from everyone's mouth, but a prominent, "EWWWWWWW!" pours from Lucy's.

LOL, I have no idea what I just wrote. I hope you guys got all of the random references I stuck in here, and that you guys will continue reading!

I'm not sure when I'll update next, but keep up with the story if you like it, and if you review, don't worry, I don't bite! XD

Yeah. Peace, see ya next time, hope you liked it!

Never (LivingDaLife)