Sugawara had always been positive. So cheerful and happy and smiling, always so, so positive because if he weren't he wouldn't be able to stand it.
It was a developed defence mechanism, something to get him through the day. To make it possible to get up in the morning instead of simply giving up. To restrain himself from making that decision again, he simply had to find some way to block things out. Because he couldn't go down that forsaken road again, couldn't possibly be that selfish.
So he found an escape in telling himself it was nothing. Because it was nothing. Everyone had their own problems, and he couldn't force his own upon others as well, didn't have time to focus on it when people so obviously needed him.
It didn't matter how bad he felt that morning, how tough his week had been or the pain of those news he received a month ago was, he faced the day. People relied on him, and he didn't have time to wallow in his own self-pity, it simply wasn't the way things worked. Hinata had looked a little dull yesterday, so of course he had to make sure everything was alright with him, ask Tanaka how it went on that important test and make sure everyone else was okay because that was what was important. Not that he'd ever skip training either way, Daichi would start asking as always.
He didn't need to know because it wasn't that big of a deal.
It's okay. It's okay, it's okay, itsokayitsokayitsokayisokay…
A mantra that usually worked.
Just smile. They won't notice, nothing is out of the ordinary. Smile and great and praise and laugh and just smile, nobody will be able to tell.
Except Daichi.
The captain kept sending concerned glances his way. The same looks he'd received for a long time now, thus the ravenette kept missing balls he always caught, and not giving out orders or reprimands as he should. He always knew when something was up with Suga, always cared enough to dig deeper, no matter how many times he came up empty handed.
Because there was no need for that, nothing to find. He was fine. Everything was okay, and he had to stop wallowing in self-pity. It would only make the situation worse, and he didn't need that. Couldn't stand that.
He was breaking enough as it was.
No amounts of telling himself otherwise helped, his breaths were growing quicker and his head hurt twice as badly as it had earlier.
But it could be worse. Yeah. He had to remember that, because it could always be less okay. He had Daichi. He had his teammates. That was everything he could ever need. So don't. Cry.
Don't don't don't it's okay, it's okay.
He couldn't hear the questioning voice of Nishinoya, didn't notice the stares of the others as the room suddenly started to spin, quickly growing more and more blurry.
He didn't realize his legs had given out on him until he found himself kneeling on the cold floor. Okay, no it's okay, he just had to get up before anyone noticed, had to escape his own reality into the one he forced to happen. That didn't work out though. Loud sounds were resonating through the gym, Daichi's voice suddenly screaming right beside him.
"SUGA! ARE YOU OKAY?! HEY, TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!"
Daichi's screaming seemed to multiply his headache times ten. He didn't focus enough to make out the words, but he was familiar enough with the captain and the practised answer to mumble out a familiar, "I'm fine..."
Daichi's hands were trying to pull his chin up, trying to look into his eyes but he weakly resisted. Tears were quickly leaking out as he frantically tried to stifle the sobs between frantic breathing. When did that happen…?
He was crying in front of all these people he cared so much about. Holding up the training- he had to move or get up- get away from there. I can't just break down like this, I'm just making them worry over nothing, this isn't how it works.
"You're not Suga, let me help you, tell me what's-!"
Help me. "No, it's okay, I'm fine..." I can't breathe.
Please. "Suga-!" Get away from me.
"I said I'm fine," he said, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes in a last ditch effort to restrain the tears. "I'll just need a second for myself please," he said but still his legs wouldn't move. It hurt. He needed to get away. He was fine, why couldn't they see that? Daichi was just a worrywart, had always been when it came to the silver haired boy. He didn't have to be that because Sugawara was always fine, always smiling and he wasn't about to change that.
The familiar, reassuring smile didn't come though. Everything his efforts brought was more tears. He couldn't put this on them, they would worry and they had their own business to worry about and Suga didn't have time for this because he had to make sure everyone else was fine and he just knew Daichi wouldn't be if he knew and everyone would treat him differently and he didn't want that and he was breaking and the world was suddenly crumbling and how did this happen, it had gone so well-…
He hadn't realized the voices had faded out again, didn't notice Hinata putting a big jacket over his shoulders or Daichi gently picking him up. His chest hurt just as much as his head now. All his efforts seemed to be futile as the hyperventilating just grew and the tears never stopped.
It hurts so much.
A/N: If you liked it, would you be so kind to drop a review? J
-Hugs MJ