Once upon a time their was two children named Hansel*god is gracious and Gretel*pearl. They lived in a small cottage on a lake with their own personal dock. (Where the speedboat was moored of course) One day the mom Kristen*Christian was out picking berries and she met a film producer from Berlin. He asked "Why do you live out here? It looks like your living in the 13th century."
"Well we are in the 13th century and I'm happy here in the Black Forest. I have my own house with a lake and a dock."
"I think you need to see the bright lights of the city."
"Well I do go get my nails done every twice a week. If that counts."
"Where do you go?"
"Where? To Düsseldorf's!"
"Oh because I have a great idea. How about you can star in my next new reality show! 'Echte Housewives der Schwarzwald! *Real Housewives of the Black Forest! So the mom went away to the lights and promises of stardom in the city.
Their father Dieter*Army of the people however thought that Hansel and Gretel needed a motherly figure in their lives so he married again quickly. This woman already had a child, She hated Hansel and Gretel thinking that her child Zeppelin*airship/blimp was better. He was the one who got to secretly lick the spoon when they made German Chocolate Cake. He got to go play in the lake when Hansel and Gretel scrubbed the floors, reshingled the roof, Vinyl the house…est.…or something like that. To their step mom Alary,*Elf ruler she saw them as free slave labor. But one day they were playing out in the yard and she couldn't stand looking at them anymore. "Hansel! Gretel! Go into the forest and find me a neon yellow Volkswagen with a mother load of Häagen Dazs in the backseat! And don't forget the German Chocolate Cake, And come back until you gotten all of it!"
So Hansel and Gretel because they were goodie two shoes left the yard and into the darkness of the forest. Gretel being the smarter more rational one of the two suggested that they leave a trail of Pfeffernüsse*peppered nutson the trail so they could find their way back to their modest 8 bedroom house. Unknown to them a German Shepherd was following them eating the 'peppered nut' cookies. That Shepherd also had a Pomeranian named Foofa and she also shared the Pfeffernüsse trailed treat dropping their ummm…droppings on the path.
Hansel and Gretel reached a house made of Guftoff, Schwarz-Gesamtstruktur Kuchen *Black Forest Cake, Pfeffernüsse, Blechkuchen*sheet cake, Kasekuchen*cheesecake and other delicacies/candies. "Oh mein Gott!" Hansel shouted "Look at that!"
"I see it Hansel no need to shout."
Then a women came out, She wore black and green robes and had a crooked smile. "Why aren't you the most delicious looking children I've ever seen!"
They said nothing. But there childish innocence piped then up to speak. "Hello ma'am. We were looking for German Chocolate Cake. Do perhaps you have some?"
"Oh yes little Lederhosened lad. Come inside! And bring your sister!" So Hansel and Gretel followed the women into the house. They knew the smell of German Chocolate Cake and it wasn't present. And they knew the smell. Heck, they ate it for breakfast while they watched Heute in Deutschland*today in Germany. "Hey there's no cake here!" Hansel complained.
"Yes there is!" The women insisted.
"Then you look in the oven." Hansel said sassily.
The witch did and as the women kneeled over to check they kicked her Heinie and went into the oven.
"Ach du leiber! Das war Schließen."*oh my goodness that was close! Gretel sighed in relief as they locked the oven door. They ran into cupboard and found German Chocolate Cake. They took it and ran into the garage. Inside the garage was a 2010 neon yellow Volkswagen with a full tank of gas and a mother load of Häagen Dazs in the trunk. "A ice cream saleswomen… that's witches day job…" Hansel joked. Gretel didn't laugh, Germans weren't always known for there sense of humor.
Looking at each other smiling they got in the car and pressed the 'start' button. Loud German rap music by Lil' Roy blared. The engine roared and they backed out of the driveway. They also found two pairs of black wraparound sunglasses and sped off into the forest back to there house. Along the way Gretel asked "Hey Hansel Don't you think it's a little odd that we're in the 13th century and in a 2010 Volkswagen and having underage children driving in a unmarked road in a dark forest?"
"Nahh! That stuff always happens in fairytales."
Not the ones I've read… Gretel thought
Suddenly the air got really warm and fogged up the mirror blocking Hansel's vision. "Hey it's really foggy can you get me something to wipe the window?"
Gretel looked around and found a Shamwow. "Hey what about this?"
"A Shamwow? Well it must be good it's made right here in the grand old Bundesrepublik Deutschland."*Federal Republic of Germany
"I guess."
Hansel took it and wiped the window. It didn't work. Actually it made it worse. "Well that a bit of a head blow to the German economy quality." Hansel said quietly.
"Maybe it was made by Uncle Bob. He never made much since anyway."
Hansel threw it out the window. It just so happened that the Shamwow hit a cop car windshield (a cop car in a forest? lol) "Hey that Volkswagen was going pretty fast!"
Soon Hansel saw (and heard) a siren and the car out of the rearview mirror. It screamed "Pull over to the side of the road! For speeding and smuggling illegal Shamwows!"
"Shove eine Wrust in es!*Shove a wrust in it!" Hansel shouted back. And pressed on the gas accelerating even faster. They passed the forest and ran over a sign that said 'Now leaving the 13th century' and traveling into the outskirts of Berlin. The cops were still on their backs though. Tearing thorugh the residential areas narrowly missing pedestrians. There were more cars chasing them now, apparently they called there friends. Gretel looked at the modern city and said "Hey Hansel why didn't we ever venture out into the city? Really we could have lived better more modern lives, look at us it like we just stepped out of a fairy tail!"
Hansel could have said something but seeing the fact that they were in hot pursuit flying through the streets of 21st century Berlin with a stolen Volkswagen ice cream truck with underaged drivers and possession of illegal Shamwows while they just murdered someone, He'd better not argue about something so petty. Unfortunately they were running out of gas only ½ remained. To make everything worse the helicopter from channel ten 'Das Team, das Sie vertrauen'*the team you trust Also came as well. They smashed through a fence into a park as Gretel screamed "We've done it We've done it! We've spoiled the good name of fairy tails for good! It over now no one will tell our story to their children! This is then end!"
"Quit your moaning Gret." Hansel snarled. "We'll make it As he narrowly swerved and almost hit a tree and other people. She calmly said "Did you know that 1/3 of Berlin is parks, gardens, and nature reserves?"
"Thank you Gret I'm sooo glad the Berlin is sooo eco-friendly." He said sarcastically.
Luckily the cops weren't chasing them anymore but they were there when they were finished plowing through 'der erste Nationalpark von Berlin'*the first national park of Berlin They met up with the cops again. They had only 1/4th tank of gas left. They passed an busy intersection and narrowly missed a women that looked remarkably like their bio-mother. Gretel noticed and asked but he didn't hear so she didn't bother repeating. There was a highway ramp coming up and Hansel floored it and shouted almost like a madman "Warte einen Moment!" *Hold on! And they just barely cleared the landing leaving the cops behind and flying into the Black Forest. They got home the cars in ruins and the step-mother was definitely not pleased "What the…? How did you…?" Before she could slap either of them on their 'Heinies' the cops arrived "Stop right where you are lady! You under arrest for speeding, defiant behavior, destroying city property, manslaughter, procession of illegal goods and 1st degree murder!"
"What! no not me! It was those little brats! Arrest them!"
"Oh yeah blame the kids…"
Both Hansel and Gretel looked as childishly innocent, weak, sick, and tired as someone could possibly be.
"Look at them they look like they haven't eating in years! We're now also charging you for child abuse!" The cop said as he put his firm hands on their step-mother handcuffing her. The car sped away and Zeppelin ran right after her.
Both kids casually went into the house and popped on the TV "…A high speed chase occurred today in downtown Berlin. The speeder plowed through streets and parks as they claimed the life of 1 victim (the witch don't feel bad) and many are left injured and traumatized. The total estimated damage is about 30,000 euros (44,660 USD or 58,674 DEM) and may take a year to repair…"
Hansel clicked off the TV and almost felt a little sick. Just then their dad (hey dad where were you to defend me when I was reshingling to roof?) came downstairs and said "Did you hear about the chase? People are so crazy these days…"
"Yeah, people are pretty crazy." They said nervously.
"So what happened today? Anything exciting?"
Both Hansel and Gretel looked at each other and laughed "Why dad, it was just an ordinary day!"
"Really?"
"Oh yes dad, we did stuff like normal kids do and now we're sitting down."
"Oh." He sits down on the couch and ponders for a moment then asked "Where's your mother? Haven't seen her in a while."
"Mother? Oh she's…she's… umm…" The words stuck in Gretel's throat. She couldn't tell her father the real truth! She and her brother would get in huge trouble, even for medieval/post-war Europe.
"Don't worry father! I saw what happened!" Hansel's twangy voiced chirped.
Gretel was glad her brother was outspoken and loud sometimes, It got her our out talking more than a few times in the past.
"See, ma was out in the forest with Zeppelin pickin' Hazelberries, and then ma met another film producer, and then went with him to the that big Bavarian city that's on TV called München."
Their dad laid back on the couch and let out a loud sigh "Another one? Lost to a glitzy film producer? Am I that bad of a husband? Am I?"
"Well no dad. I think you're a good dad." Gretel said.
"Likewise." Hansel noted.
"Ok then! Who wants dinner?" Their dad exclaimed.
"Me!" Both children squealed.
So all three of them sat down at the table and had Bratwurst and Sauerkraut. It was very good tasting.
After they were done cleaning up their father grabbed the car keys from their (reprocessed/stolen) neon yellow Volkswagen and stated quite plainly "I'm going to the tavern. Be back…late…I guess…"
His voice trailed off as he climbed into the car and drove away into the Black Forest.
Hansel and Gretel were left alone. The dim light poorly lit the outline of the wooden frame with spiders webs draping the pine ceiling.
Sometimes they wished their dad could just forget about being single and just fix up the house. Yet again he was just a poor woodcutter. Which was odd because their biological mom was a film star and step-mom was now in prison.
Gretel couldn't help thinking about all the emotional damage this was going to cause to both of them. For Hansel it was already too late. And that scared her, Hansel was only a year older then her.
Breaking Gretel's thoughts Hansel's unmistakable voice slash through the air like a knife.
"C'mon Gret! It would be a shame if we let dad's 'HBO on Demand' account go to waste!"
"I don't think we should do that, dad might get mad at us when he comes back."
"We're not gonna get in trouble! Just look at all the other things we did today and didn't get blamed for!"
"That's because we blamed it on our step-mom. We can't blame her for this."
"So we still got away with it! Now let's pick out our movie…" Hansel shuffled through the list of movies/shows in the 'recently purchased' category. Which were full of romantic comedies, cheesy Lifetime movies, and daytime soap operas.
"I never knew dad was so lonely…" Hansel muttered under his breath hoping that Gretel didn't hear.
Thinking the same way as her brother she walked stiffly out of the room and into the kitchen to get popcorn. The white walls basked the kitchen, then coral pink counters screamed 'Mir Helfen!' and let's forget about the black fridge, cupboards, and microwave. Ouch…Their kitchen was a color nightmare. Yet again her dad designed it.
"Gret it's ready!" Hansel hollered.
Gretel quickly grabbed a bag of Smartfood and ran into the living room where Hansel was already sitting down with a huge smile on his face. Which should has already been a bid 'red flag' for her. Because when Hansel was happy usually someone wasn't or a rule got broken. Still with a smile he pulled out a six pack of RockStêr energy drinks.
"Hansel! You know those things are bad for you!"
"Oh Gretel…" He handed her a can and took a long sip. "Ahhh… See nothing to worry about."
"Umm...ok…so what are we watching?" Her voice cracked with uncertainly.
"Oh it's on!"
The screen flashed the title 'Auf der Flucht.'*On the run
"What's it about?"
"On Gretel it's about two children who committed crimes and murders and the police try to capture them and bring them to justice."
Gretel felt sick. Extremely sick. "Han…Hansel…What about us…?"
"What do you mean?" He said, his mouth full of popcorn.
"Hansel we did all those things! What gonna happen to us!"
"Nothing. Those things only happen in movies. Besides who wants revenge on and justice on us?"
Suddenly there was a heavy fisted bang on the door. It shouted "ERÖFFNEN SIE!"*Open up
Gretel looked nonchalantly at an ever paling Hansel and said sarcastically "So Hansel what were you saying about that?"
"Errr…"
The door busted open and a black modern uniformed men (who looked very out of place) stormed their house and commanded "YOU TWO! YOU'RE COMING WITH US!" the faceless soldier grabbed at their clothes. Gretel, her dress and Hansel, his lederhosen.
"Gett auf me!" Hansel snarled.
He didn't respond and found themselves being dragged out of the house by the pants.
Gretel looked at Hansel who looked quite embarrassed, She found herself trying to separate herself from the man but no good. She began to cry like a three year old girl. The man grumbled "dumm Mädchen.*(dumb girl)"
"What did you call me?" Gretel shouted back.
He only grumbled.
"She's talking to you Mister. Answer." Hansel said with much conviction to the word 'answer'. Still no response. Wordless he threw them in back of the truck and were tired up quickly.
In the dark Gretel asked her brother "Hansel?" "What?"
"I don't think this is a normal policeman."
"Well this isn't a normal story."
"Still…"
"Hey you's halt den Mund!*shut up!" Thepoliceman shouted quite scarily. Gretel shuttered. Adults who shouted at her scared her dearly, and so did trouble. She looked at Hansel. He didn't look one bit scared in the least, after all they've been through. Someday she wished she was a brave as him but without being so crass. As they swiftly sped silently through the Black Forest to the unknown (and slightly) utopian city of Berlin.
After what seemed like a hour the car came to a hard stop. The guy mumbled "Be right back. Bewegen sich nicht."*do not move
They looked out the window they were outside a bar. "What does he want there?" Gretel asked.
"Dunno but it's a little fishy." Hansel remarked. Untying his rope that was cutting auf his circulation. He undid his sister's as well. Hansel jumped in the driver's seat and found a 9 mm handgun. He made sure that Gretel didn't see him take it.
While Hansel figured out how to hotwire the car the dude in the bar was going to meet someone who was all too familiar to them two.
He walked up to the bartender hastily and muttered "The usual please."
The bartender looked at him of a moment and then set out to get him a drink. While he was waiting he noticed another man how was almost cowering over his own bier Stein. He looked pretty unhappy as well.
"Hey, Hey buddy? You ok?"
The man didn't answer right away eventually he looked at him with a face the screamed "Someone please talk to me" With dried tears he went back to his Bier.
"Hey c'mon buddy talk to me. What's wrong?"
Nothing.
"Listen we all have bad days…"
"Well your 3rd wife didn't run away from you did she!"
He didn't dare speak during this deranged man's rant.
"Why? Because you're so young and perfect and there's lots of fish in the pond for you but me? Hell no there ain't!" Then after Dieter finished he realized what he'd said. And tried to apologize, "Listen I'm sorry about that. I was just mad and—"
"Hey it's ok man! I understand." He said as he slapped his back quite hard. "Right? We're both guys? Right?"
Dieter waited for a moment and said quietly "Right."
At that moment the bartender gave the officer the beer and he headed off.
At that moment Hansel found out how to hotwire the car and drove off into the black night. Completely unknowing where they'd be going. But that normal by this point.
The road was dark and bumpy. "Ugh Gret this road gonna ruin the car's suspension."
"What's that mean?"
"It means that—"
While Hansel explained a technology that's not suppose to be there for another seven hundred years the officer came back to the car and saw that it was gone.
"What the hell? Those damn kids!" He shouted. Looking around he saw the neon yellow 2010 Volkswagen and sped after them.
"…And that's what suspension is!"
"Oh…Hey Hansel?"
"What?"
"How do you know how to drive?"
He rolled his eyes nervously and looked at her.
"It's ok." Gretel noted. "I really don't think I want to know." She looked back and saw another car fast approaching them from the back.
"Hey Hansel?" Gretel's voice was stained with concern.
"What?" He looked at her with a somewhat serious look.
"I think we're being chased again."
"Hah ha ha! Gret you're sooo funny. I almost thought that was legitimate." He threw his head around to look at the rear and saw the car coming. Right. For. Them.
Gretel closed her eyes and crossed her arms in sync, spatting "Hansel you really should start listening to me." She waited for the response but Hansel had too much of an ego to admit it.