Second Chance
Disclaimer: No.
The war is over. Apparently, we won. I say apparently because I don't actually remember it. The last thing I recalled, before I woke up in this place, was being in India with Master Cross, being told I could call myself an exorcist. They tell me that was years ago.
I woke up in the infirmary here, in the Black Order headquarters. I had only been awake for a few moments, observing my unfamiliar surroundings, when a host of strangers had walked in, addressing me too familiarly for my liking. They had all been talking at once, exclaiming how worried they had been and how glad they were that I was awake, when a gentle silence had fallen. They had looked at me expectantly at that point, but, apparently, they weren't expecting me to ask them such a strange question (though it had seemed perfectly logical to me).
"Who are you people?"
They had all gaped at me. I remember looking around then, noting that they were a strange bunch. They all had the same expression, though, a mixture of shock and worry. I guess it was an odd question to ask.
They had started talking again, but amongst themselves instead of to me. 'Concussion,' 'battle,' 'Noah,' 'injured,' their words had had no meaning to me. I've had it explained to me now, though. They had continued their discussion for a little while, but seemed to realize all at once that I was still there, lying on the bed in the infirmary. They had left at that point, advising me to rest. I took their advice.
For the next few days, multitudes of strangers came to re-introduce themselves. Each and every one had something to say about our shared past, and each and every one was disappointed when I couldn't remember them. I couldn't help it. My past had been taken away. Memories had been destroyed, time I had spent with these people obliterated. They still attempted to jog my memory, though.
I met Komui, my 'boss, surgeon, and mission-giver.'
I was introduced to Lenalee, my 'really good friend and teammate.'
I was virtually attacked by Lavi, 'practically my best friend in the order.'
There were others, many of them. None really stuck out. Each claimed a deep friendship with me, but none were especially significant to me. Each seemed to say the same thing. Except one.
"I'm Kanda."
That was all he said to me when he walked in with Lavi, the redhead who was constantly barging into my room. While Lavi pestered me, Kanda simply stood back, leaning against the wall. Watching me the entire time. It was almost unnerving.
Lavi eventually remembered something else he had to do and left in a hurry. Kanda slowly pushed away from the wall and turned to go.
"Wait!" I called to him. He paused and turned to look at me, his face expressionless. "What are you to me? I mean were we friends, or…"
As I trailed off, a crooked smirk formed on his lips. "I'd have thought you'd like to figure that out for yourself." So saying, he left without another word.
Kanda fascinated me. What made him so different? Why would he be the only one that stuck out in my mind so prominently? I spent all the time I had to myself (which was considerable, once the others lost interest in me and my amnesia and stopped visiting me so often) tying to recall who Kanda had been to me. I observed how he acted now, trying to find some clue.
Kanda had visited a few other times, never for long and never alone. He was always polite to me, considerate of how I felt. He didn't push me to remember him like the others did by talking about the past. He would either be silent or ask how I felt, if I needed anything. He was nice.
At first, I could only conclude that he was another friend. But, that though bothered me. It seemed wrong. He didn't fit into the category of the others, the annoying, insistent, irksome strangers.
I felt like one obsessed. Kanda filled my waking thoughts, and vague images of Kanda haunted my dreams. The dreams tugged at my mind. I thought they might be fragmented memories.
I remembered—well, I thought I did, anyway—many battles against akuma. The people I'm fighting with are just hazy shadows, for the most part. There is only one exception. Kanda's figure is like a beacon in the darkness. I'm sure I remember him. I see snatches of conversations we've had, but I can't recall the words. He monopolizes my mind. Was he just a friend? Or, was he something more?
I knew it was wrong. But, I couldn't stop myself. The others—Lavi especially—have commented that I seem nicer to Allen since his accident and subsequent memory loss. I've let them brush it off as sympathy for his situation. In actuality, I want a fresh start.
From the moment I met him, I felt differently about Allen than I felt about anyone else. I never really believed in love at first sight, but I might be willing to admit my intuition led me to recognize that I would feel a certain way about him in the future. Or something.
Well, whatever it was, something made him different. I didn't want to be too close to anyone, too attached, so I shoved him away. I refused to touch him for fear of wanting to hold him. I refused to be kind to him for fear of becoming emotionally attached. I feared becoming attached because it was all too easy to lose him in the war.
Well, the war is over now.
Towards the end, I was a little more confident in his chance at surviving. But it wasn't to be. I had already pushed him too far away from me. I knew he would never feel for me what I could finally allow myself to feel for him.
And what I felt for him was enormous. A big, irritating, gnawing emotion. I knew what I wanted from him. I had plenty of dreams to fill out anything my daydreams had missed. I knew I couldn't have it, though. I couldn't have him. Allen hated me, and he thought I hated him.
It seems some powerful force in the universe is on my side, however. He forgot me. He forgot everyone, but, most importantly, he forgot how I treated him, how he hated me.
So, I had my clean slate. I could finally have him. I could finally have Allen Walker, the sweet, young, bright, innocent Allen Walker. I could finally earn his love and return it. With the war over, his lifespan wasn't so uncertain anymore. I could allow myself to love.
But, I didn't want to scare him away. I had to be gentle, be slow.
"Wait, Kanda, please." I had to know for sure. He had come to my room to visit me unaccompanied this time. The first time that had happened. This is the best chance I'll ever get.
He paused and turned to look at me. All his attention was focused intently on my face. His staring reminded me of the first time I met him. He had stared at me just as fixedly then. He said nothing, only looking at me expectantly.
"I, uh," I didn't know how to say it. How does one go about these things? "About how we were before…Were we, um, involved? You know…" My voice trailed off. I hoped he would get my point and save me from embarrassment. He was not so merciful. "Was I in love with you?" I blurted out. My face flushed. It was mortifying. What if I had only had a secret crush on him before? I would look like such a freak. He probably wasn't even interested in men. I couldn't look at his face. I stared at the ground.
"Do you love me now?" His question was unexpected, to say the least. I looked up to see his face.
"Um…Yes. I do." Was he that intent on torturing me? Was he just messing with me?
"Isn't that what matters?"
I couldn't believe it. Could it be true? He wasn't disgusted with me? He was…? I had to ask one more thing to be absolutely certain. I needed to know without a doubt. "Kanda, how do you feel about me?"
He crossed the room as he gave his answer. He practically glided to me as he said, "Allen, I have always loved you." His lips found mine as we embraced.
I went to see Allen alone one day, hoping he would tell me what I wanted to hear. He had been warming up to me over the past few weeks. I visited him in his room—when he was on strict bed rest for all his injuries, which were healing rather slowly—almost every day. Most people had given up on visiting him, but I could still convince Lavi to come with me, or Lenalee.
I could tell that he was nervous today. It was, after all, the first time we had been alone in a room together since he asked me about or relationship of before his accident. He seemed like he wanted to say something, but was unsure about whether or not he should speak freely. I'll admit, I pushed him a bit.
As I moved to leave the room, he spoke. Just like I had hoped.
"Wait, Kanda, please." His voice was like honey to my ears. I knew what he wanted to ask, I had been leading him to it since I found out he lost his memory. He was so cute, so predictable, and so easy to control. "I, uh…" He was nervous. How adorable. "About how we were before…Were we, um, were we involved? You know…"
I knew, but I wanted to hear him say it. Cruel? Perhaps. But it was necessary and oh so sweet in the end.
"Was I in love with you?" What a tricky question my bean sprout asked. I know he didn't love me before all of this. I had to avoid the question if I wanted to have him.
"Do you love me now?" There, a good response. I could avoid the question and hear what I wanted to hear all at once. Two birds with once stone.
"Yes. I do." He was still looking at his feet. He was afraid to meet my gaze. A flush dusted his pretty cheeks.
"Isn't that what matters?" His adorable face lifted to see mine.
"Kanda, how do you feel about me?" This was my chance, I could tell him for the very first time. I had an affirmation of his love, now all I needed to do was seal the deal and claim him.
I walked over to him. He looked to wonderful as he stood, nervously, waiting for my reply. I couldn't resist a taste. "Allen, I have always loved you." I told him. I pulled him into my arms claimed his lips. The rest of him could wait, for now.
I love him.
I have him.
A/N: I actually like how this turned out. It has just the right amount of angst. I was going for a Kanda that messes with Allen's head just a bit, manipulating him. I'm happy with it as a oneshot, but I might continue it someday.