Title: Legion of Pizza
Rating: K
Pairings: None
Summary: Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the Legion of Superheroes worked at a fast-food pizzeria?
Disclaimer: I do not own anything. This piece of writing is not meant as infringement and LoSH belongs to its respective owners.
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"Ahhh!" Cosmic Boy shrieked. "No! Not again," he sobbed. Saturn Girl put a comforting arm on his shoulder. Cosmic boy fell to his knees and tears flooded out.
"Dude, what happened?" Kell asked as he saw all of the legionnaires outside of the headquarters. Legion HQ was in flames, by the time the fire doused there would be nothing left.
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"So, what are we going to do until Legion HQ gets rebuilt?" Shrinking Violet asked.
"I guess we'll have to get jobs, any ideas?" Cosmic Boy asked somberly. He was still grieving over the loss of their third headquarters. The first Drax destroyed, the second one was accidentally sold to a hobo on Rimbor and the third was demolished by fire that had occurred the previous night.
"Uh, you guys can get jobs, but I'll stick with my mom," Phantom Girl said innocently. The other legionnaires rolled their eyes.
"What about a therapy office. We could help a lot of people," Saturn Girl suggested.
"How about a sporting goods store?" Bouncing Boy asked.
"We could work at a bakery, I bet Timber Wolf would love that," Phantom Girl joked. Timber Wolf sighed.
"I think a pet store would be cool," Timber Wolf said.
"My uncle has a pizzeria in New Metropolis," Cham added. Cosmic Boy nodded, along with everyone else except Phantom Girl.
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Cosmic Boy looked at his clipboard. Everyone wore a yellow hat, uniform and apron that said 'Legion of Pizza'. "Here are everyone's jobs. If you think that I painstakingly looked at everyone abilities and matched them with the job that suits them best, you are incorrect. I drew names and jobs out of the hat I am wearing now at 3 AM in the morning."
"Can we switch jobs if we don't like ours?" Phantom Girl asked. Everyone glared at her and she shrugged.
"Okay then, thanks for the interruption. I am the manager," all of the legionnaires groaned. "Superman and Kell are on freezer duty, meaning you have to keep the dough cold because the freezer is busted," Superman and Kell left to start their jobs.
"Saturn Girl and Brainiac 5 are customer service, they take people's orders at the counter-"
"What about the waiters?" Cham asked. Cosmic gave a sheepish grin.
"We'll improvise. Timber Wolf, Phantom Girl and Bouncing Boy make the pizzas."
"Awww!" Phantom Girl whined. "I hate cooking," she grumbled and walked off to start her new job along with Timber Wolf and Bouncing Boy.
"Lightning Lad, you will cook the pizzas," Lightning Lad shrugged and left.
"Triplicate Girl, you will work the three Drive Thru windows. They'll order in one, pay in another and get their food in the last."
"What kind of pizzeria has a Drive Thru window? I think you're getting confused with a fast food restaurant," Cham noted and Shrinking Violet laughed/snorted.
"And Cham has bathroom duty," Cosmic Boy finished.
"Why do I have to clean the bathrooms?" Cham asked angrily. He stomped off to find a plunger.
"What about me?" Shrinking Violet asked.
"What about you? Shouldn't you be doing your job?" Cosmic Boy asked aggravated.
"What is my job?" she clarified.
"Uh….go wash the dishes," Cosmic Boy left them to their work.
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"What can I get you today, ma'am?" Saturn Girl asked the customer.
"Can I have a salad?" the woman responded tiredly. Saturn Girl sensed something was wrong as she scanned her mind. Images of a pizza topped with pastrami were bouncing around in the woman's mind.
"That's not what you really want is it?"
"No, maybe I should get the-"
"But, you don't really want that,"
"Yeah, I'll get the-"
"But you want something else,"
"I'll get three large pastrami pizzas, please." Saturn Girl smiled. "Wait, how did you know what I wanted?"
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"If I get Combo #6, would I-"
"8.95," Brainy computed
"Well, if I-"
"7.45"
"What about-"
"9.25"
"Hmm…."
"8.55"
"I didn't say anything!" the customer stomped off. Cosmic Boy gave Brainy a stern look.
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"This is easy enough, right? I don't see how people get paid for it." Kell noted as she leaned against a shaky pile of dough. Kell and Superman had used their freeze breath to keep the dough frozen.
"I wouldn't lean on that, Kell," Superman advised.
Kell scoffed, "Why no-" the pile of dough had toppled on its weight and fell on Kell. He got up from the dough, super-sped it back into place and resumed leaning against the wobbly pile of dough. It fell on him again.
"I told you not to do that"
"I hate this job," Kell declared.
"Agreed"
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"Okay, we have to make a pastrami pizza. It's simple enough. First, you have to flatten the dough," Timber Wolf explained as he flattened his ball of dough.
Phantom Girl and Bouncing Boy followed his example. Phantom Girl started pounding it and Bouncing Boy sat on his. Timber Wolf sighed.
"Now, you have to make holes in the now flattened dough, so air can be released when the dough is being-" Timber Wolf pulled his claws away from Phantom Girl who was using them to poke holes in her dough. "Not like that!"
"Next, you have to spread tomato sauce onto your dough"
By the time Phantom Girl and Bouncing Boy were done, tomato sauce was all over them.
"Next, you have to put cheese and pastrami on the pizza"
Phantom Girl got her toppings done, but Bouncing Boy ate his. Timber Wolf sighed. After Bouncing Boy completed his, they handed the pizzas down to Lightning Lad, so he could cook them.
"You, know this cooking thing is actually fun," Phantom Girl smiled.
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"Hmmmm….." Lightning Lad said to himself "How does this thing work?"
He played around with the buttons until something exploded.
"Sprock-"
"This is a family pizzeria! Mind your language, Lightning Lad!" Cosmic yelled at him from the lobby.
"Whatever, Cos!" he yelled back.
Lightning Lad used his lightning powers to warm up the pizzas. Instead, they burst into flames.
"Sprock-"
"Language!" Cosmic Boy reminded him from the lobby.
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"So, ma'am, are you enjoying your food. Is everything okay?"
"No!" the rotund woman replied. "I ordered my pastrami pizzas two hours ago, there is a young man in the ladies restroom, and another young man who won't stop swearing. Yes, there is something you can do for me! You can tell me where to find another pizzeria!" and with that, the woman left. But not before she smacked Cosmic Boy on the head with her purse.
"What happened to the pastrami pizzas?" Cosmic Boy called out to Timber Wolf.
"I don't-" Timber Wolf responded.
"Eww! You're eating pastrami pizza?" Phantom Girl shrieked as she saw what Bouncing Boy was eating.
Cosmic Boy rubbed his temples and wrote some notes on his clipboard.
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"Hello, welcome to Legion of Pizza!" White Triplicate Girl said to the customer that pulled up at the first Drive Thru window.
"Can I have a-"
"That will be 8.95, drive around to the next window, please?" he handed her the money, perplexed.
"Okay," he said unsurely. The man drove around to the next window and stopped. Orange Triplicate Girl handed him a pastrami pizza.
"I don't like pastrami,"
"Please drive to next window," she asked sweetly.
The man drove around, still confused.
"May I take your order?" Purple Triplicate Girl asked flirtatiously.
"Can I have a- OH FORGET IT!" he drove out of the parking lot and threw the pastrami pizza out of the window.
"I'm not cleaning that up!" Cham and Shrinking Violet yelled simultaneously.
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Shrinking Violet was singing. Her job wasn't so bad, if you didn't mind motion sickness. Shrinking Violet had shrunk herself to the size of an ant and was scrubbing dishes.
It wasn't efficient at all, but it was fun. She stood on the dishes and cleaned them while they moved around in the water. It sure beat standing and cleaning.
"Hey!" Cosmic Boy yelled. She lost balance and fell into the water.
"AH!" she screamed as she fell into the water. She grew back to normal size and jumped out of the sink.
"What happened to you?" Cosmic Boy asked as he walked by, noticing that she was soaked, head to toe.
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"Die, die, die!" Cham tried to unplug the toilet by using a plunger. "What is wrong with these people? Why did they use 21st century toilets?"
After an hour of a rough fight, Cham prevailed and the toilet was unclogged.
"Hey! Get out of the ladies restroom, you pervert!" A round woman started hitting him with her purse.
"Sorry, sorry. But, that toilet is unclogged!" Cham ran out of the bathroom, so he wouldn't get hit with a purse.
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"Okay, everyone. I would like to say that everyone did a great job on their first day, but that would be lying. Customer service was horrible, the dough was either rock-hard frozen or melted, the orders were sprocked up, the stove caught fire, some of us had potty mouths-" Cosmic Boy's anger rising
"I am not cleaning that up!" Cham exclaimed.
"-the Drive Thru window was in the incorrect order, the dishes took too long to clean, the toilets were clogged and we had only two satisfied customers." Cosmic Boy yelled. "And, the only satisfied customers were blind, deaf and mute! They thought we were the old folk's bingo night!"
"Wow, we're horrible at this," Phantom Girl noted.
"Yes, actually the union came to shut the pizzeria down,"
"So, we're out of business?" Timber Wolf asked.
"Pretty much," Cosmic Boy admitted.
"What do we do until Legion HQ gets built?" Lightning Lad asked.
"Suggestions are welcome," Cosmic Boy deadpanned.
So, let me know if you guys want a sequel. Maybe the Laundry by Legion or something like that. Reviews are welcome!