A/N: Cliché fluff fic with two best friends falling in love for Sasuke's b-day? Sounds good to me!
Just a stupid little thing I dreamt about and that I needed to write down no matter what. I sometimes need to exorcise my demons like this. Yeah, it's nothing special, but I decided to post it anyway even though I hesitated for a while. I wanted to try the same style of 'Not Enough' and its sequels and it was harder than I though.
Anyway, I hope you guys like it even though it's late af. I'm a bad godmother, Sasuke would be disappointed. But at least I got him laid!
WARNINGS: M/M interactions, and a bit of smut.
NOT BEATED! PARDON THE TYPOS!
About Sasuke
I know I've been reckless lately. I try to help it, but I can't - it's been a year after all and nothing has changed.
No, that's a lie. I've changed. Everything has been turned upside down and the only thing that remains the same is this weird concept of 'us' we seem to have created without even noticing it.
A whole year but I can't seem to figure out how, exactly, we've come down to this so naturally. It was supposed to be easy-going, something we did for fun. We were best friends, it seemed to make a strange sort of sense that we'd rely on each other even for this.
I was supposed to be in love with a girl named Sakura. You were supposed to be asexual. Maybe I'm just ignorant and have completely misinterpreted what that means, or maybe you were the one who chose a wrong label for yourself - it's so hard to fit into a category these days when there's so much you can identify yourself with. Whatever suits you best, Sasuke; you'll always be my best friend no matter what. I think you should just do you because you are one of a kind and maybe you can't be explained by labels.
After this, I don't know where I fit anymore, and now, that's fine.
We have always been close. We've been in each other's lives for so long I can't even recall that far back. Christmas, birthdays, holidays… through bad grades and good grades, gang fights, old friendships, small crushes, family losses, illnesses… you've been there all along. You, beside me… that's all I need to remember clearly.
I remember that day as if it was today - the day it all started. You and I had gone shopping after school. I wanted to check out some new manga and you needed a new pair of trainers. As usual, we ended up losing track of time because we both got easily distracted by that one store we both loved. We never got inside, but we always checked out the gorgeous pictures in display, of several types of piercings and beautifully executed tattoos.
You said you wanted to get a new piercing, and I made the promise that I'd definitely get a tattoo as soon as I could gather enough money. You asked what type of tattoo and I said I didn't know, I hadn't thought of it yet. Of course you had to roll your eyes at me. When I asked what kind of piercing you wanted now - since you already have several - you simply smirked at me. I remember smiling at you because that smirk was rather devious and it amused me as much as it aroused my curiosity. No matter how much I whined, you wouldn't tell me.
At the end of the day, we ended up getting takeaway pizza and soda and bringing them to the local riverside to eat. Both our moms were already pissed off enough that we wouldn't be home for dinner, it was rather irrelevant whether we got home late or not.
The small hill that led us down to the riverbed provided shelter from the road above and was a quiet spot that has been ours since we were kids. I remember the grass was still warm from that summer day, but fluffy and comforting.
We ate in companionable silence while we watched the river. The sound of it running was like a lullaby. I felt like heaven couldn't possibly be a more perfect place.
In a very content state of mind, I vaguely considered that it was almost as if we were on a date. My dates at least never went this smoothly. I almost laughed out loud.
You took the bottle of soda we were sharing from my hand and took a few healthy gulps. I leaned back with my hands supporting my weight on the grass behind me and watched your profile. I remember thinking that it was a waste that you weren't interested in sex, being handsome and popular as you were. Then, I almost slapped myself because that was the kind of ignorant train of thought you always berated me for. Still, I allowed myself to watch you and go down memory lane so I could picture the several stages of your growth through the years. You used to be such a cute-looking kid, always smiling, but after your beloved brother's death you became more quiet and definitely more serious. Sometimes your eyes were intense to the point of being scary - mirrors of thoughts that were far too mature for your age.
But life goes on and you healed. I could never let you go down the depression of loss, even as a kid. You're sort of back. Well, no-one could expect you to be that same adorable child when you were a growing boy anyway. You were always gorgeous, though. I always envied your looks along with so many other good traits about you. You're crazy smart, hardworking and a painfully honest person. You achieve everything you want one way or the other because you reach out for it and don't stop until you get it. I have been fueled by this many times in my life, so I can say that you had a lot of influence on who I am today. I was always a loser when compared to you, but you always pushed me to work harder, and that was what made me step up a notch and try to do something for myself. Yours is truly an existence I am thankful for every single day of my life.
I remember that, as I watched you, thinking about this brought a painful and overwhelming sense of fondness for you that I hadn't been expecting.
You lowered the bottle and set it aside before curling your fist and letting it hang in front of your mouth. A loud, rather animalistic burp left you and I couldn't help but laugh at it. That is one of the things you only do in front of me and no-one else, not even your traditional and proper family. Your fanclub would be horrified at the things their prince charming does when no-one's looking.
Looking at me over your shoulder, you chuckled. You must've seen something in my eyes because your eyebrows rose inquisitively. "What?" you asked, with a small smirk. "It's not that funny. This one was rather pathetic, actually."
"Yeah, you can definitely do better than that, you pussy," I teased, poking your side playfully with a huge grin. "Where are your manners? I thought I'd taught you well."
"How unbecoming of me," you joked, bringing a hand to your chest in false self-disappointment. "I shall practice harder."
The fondness seemed to grow inside of me and suddenly, I felt an inescapable pull towards you that was new to me.
I think I stopped smiling, because you suddenly looked concerned. "You're looking at me funny."
"How come we never kissed, Sas?" I commented, before I could even stop myself. A flash of something crossed your features but it was soon hidden as your eyes became narrow slits.
"Because it's only natural that we wouldn't?" You said, with an elegant shrug of your shoulders. "You like Sakura. You like girls. I don't like anyone. There's literally no reason as to why we should kiss."
"We like each other," I pointed out, also shrugging, for some reason feeling my stomach tightening. "We're best friends, right? I mean, I've kissed people I don't care as much as I care about you."
"So have I, but that doesn't mean we need to kiss each other because other kisses have been unsatisfying. Us being best friends is not an excuse for random making out."
I straightened up and put a hand on your shoulder. You threw it an unimpressed glance.
"I don't see why not," I pressed on, somehow more seriously than I had intended and not at all sure of why I was being so insistent. "It's just a kiss, Sasuke. We're totally cool with each other! I mean, I masturbate around you all the time! Compared to that, it's no big deal."
"Yes, because it's so normal for you to jerk off in front of me because you feel like it," you replied, sarcastically.
"I'm comfortable around you!" I defended, shaking your shoulder emphatically. "You don't do it because you don't want to, but that's your problem."
You sighed. "Naruto…"
"Don't you feel like you'll regret it eventually?" I interrupted, putting my other hand over you knee, that had been pulled to your chest. "Don't you feel like, given how close we are, you'll eventually regret not knowing what it feels like to kiss such an important person as myself?"
I was just spouting out self-absorbed bullshit. I had never considered such a thing with you, but it seemed as though, out of the blue, I had become inexplicably desperate for that one little thing. I was just trying to lure you in with my own feelings. I wanted you to feel the way I did. And I did want to know what it felt like, to kiss you, my precious friend and someone I had always considered more than even a kindred spirit. I had never thought about it before, but just then, curiosity and longing were the only things that I could focus on.
This did make you stop to consider me. We looked into each other's eyes in silence for a while, and yours became softer. "What do you think will happen if we kiss?" you asked, voice lowering to a tone of genuine curiosity.
I couldn't help but smile again, even if, deep down, I really wasn't sure how to reply to that. But I was supposed to, right? "Come on, Sas. I like Sakura, and you don't care for this kind of stuff, you said so yourself," I ended up saying, forcing myself to sound casual and relaxed. "Worst case scenario is we don't like it and we can just add it to our 'Embarrassing Memories' box. If, on the other hand, it goes well… I guess we'll have something to do when we're bored?"
You quirked up a distasteful eyebrow at me, but the corner of your well defined mouth was curving upwards. There was definite endearment expressed in your features then, and for a moment, it took my breath away.
"You make it sound so simple," you muttered, before blowing harshly on my face, effectively pushing my usually rebellious fringe out of the way. Then, you, gently bumped your forehead against mine, provocatively. "Fine, smartass. Kiss me, then."
I wasn't expecting the nervousness that assaulted me. I wasn't expecting my throat to run dry and for fear to take over me. It was just you, Uchiha Sasuke, my best friend, why was I even worried? It was no big deal. It had been my idea, and if I backed out at that point, you'd never let me hear the end of it.
But… what if you thought I was a bad kisser? What if you were a bad kisser? What if we ended up enjoying it? What if we didn't? Would everything just end up being horribly awkward?
I didn't like guys, and I had no idea what your preferences were since you often said that gender wasn't something that you cared for. I knew you had kissed people, just not exactly what kind of people. You've always been so reserved towards such matters.
Would this be alright? Maybe it was a bad idea after all.
Was I really going to kiss you, the guy everyone and their mothers wanted and who wanted no-one? You were so selective, and yet you had agreed that we could kiss. It just seemed like I had been given such a great honor and I didn't want to fuck it up.
We'll be alright, I assured myself, taking a deep breath, my eyes never leaving yours. We're best friends. This is nothing. I asked for this. I'm no coward. It'll be alright.
You waited patiently, your handsome features calm. It was as if you could feel my sudden hesitation and wanted to silently let me know it was alright. We always had this ability to understand each other without words and I felt thankful for it just then.
This is why you are what you are to me.
That fondness for you burned inside my chest, slowly eating away at my nervousness.
It was just us. It would be fine.
Mustering up the rest of my needed courage, I moved my hand from your knee to the curve of your neck, gripping it carefully but not too gently - I couldn't treat you like one would a girl, of course. I was aware of you twisting your body and moving slightly closer. I wet my lips and gazed down at yours, noticing the small, almost sensuous flicker of your tongue between them to do the same. Your mouth was slightly opened as you took a small breath. I tilted my head slightly to the side. Our noses bumped a little.
I had to swallow hard as my heart started beating furiously inside my chest. I could feel your pulse becoming just as unsteady.
Even the proximity seemed disturbingly natural, but that wasn't something I should've been surprised by. We've always been very intimate, even in a physical way. I took pride in being one of the few people you allowed to be touched by, and one of the few you touched willingly.
Moved by these strange comforting thoughts, I made my move.
Our parted lips brushed in a feather-like touch at first, both of us wanting to experiment the feel. Your lips were soft and a little sticky, but seemed to be a good match for mine, so I pressed forward a little harder. Yes, our mouths fit perfectly, and somehow, it offered me an instant feeling of gratification I couldn't run away from. I could feel myself quickly being pushed to the edge of exhilaration, relief washing over me.
Your lips moved, slowly, against mine, experimentally, and I had to force myself to calm the fuck down and try to match your patient pace. You kissed with care and consideration, as if studying me and my moves so you could adapt. Your kiss was calculated; I usually just let my hormones drive me.
But you were good. You felt good. And it made me happy beyond imagination and I didn't even understand why. So I pressed my mouth harder to yours, a little demandingly and maybe a little too soon, but I needed more. I hadn't realized how lonely I was until that very moment.
A small moan escaped you and it had me going dizzy for a second. I had no idea you could sound like that. The desire to hear it again came to me. Our pace became a little more frantic, our breaths colliding and becoming more elaborate. You parted your mouth more to get some air in without breaking contact and I took the opportunity to hungrily run the tip of my tongue over your lower lip. You shivered. I did it again. And again. You gasped softly before allowing your own tongue to flicker over mine in one rather lewd and teasing stroke. You tasted sweet and sharp and it awakened my senses. My pants became increasingly tighter without my permission.
Whoa...
So, mister I-don't-care-about-sex actually had a few good moves going on. You knew your shit.
"You're good," I panted against your mouth.
"You're not bad yourself," you muttered, pulling away for a second and offering me a mischievous smirk. "Don't tell me you're getting excited already."
Your eyes were heavy and of a deep, deep dark color. Night had started to rise. I realized I couldn't handle the situation I had gotten myself into at all. Looking at you… the intensity of your gaze, the smell of your breath so close, the shine in your slightly swollen lips from our saliva…
It was just immediate lust, hormones, I thought frantically. I thought that, at best, kissing you would be something enjoyable and comfortable, but not something I'd be crazy about. And yet, there I was, getting pathetically horny.
I pressed my lips together. What was wrong with me? You were looking fucking breathtaking.
"Yeah, so sue me," I grunted, my hand squeezing the curve of your neck wantonly. "It's been a while. Plus, you're riling me up on purpose, aren't you?"
"So what if I am?" you teased, pecking my mouth once. "You thought I'd just be a boring ass simply because I'm not a monkey in heat?"
"Well, clearly I shouldn't have underestimated you," I replied, unable to cope with the urgency for more I could feel. I didn't understand how you could look so calm and… oddly triumphal. It pissed me off and turned me on even more. I needed to show you what I had. We had barely even kissed properly. "We're doing this or not? Either way you'll take responsibility for my hard on."
You snorted before kissing me again, hard. I don't really know how things developed from then on, but I remember certain details very vividly. The way our mouths moved together quickly, wetly and hungrily as our tongues met, over and over again in a never ending thirst. The small sounds you made as I put both my arms around your neck and made you lie on top of me. How I was so lost in a ridiculous hormonal frenzy that I couldn't move my hands right. I remember your open-mouthed kisses all over my neck as you helped me undo my belt and the buttons of my pants. I somehow managed to pull my cock out and work it fast with one hand, the other refusing to let go of the spiky strands of hair at the back of your head. We kissed until we were out of breath. Your hands touched my sides possessively but mindfully, never stepping the line. However, if mouths could fuck, I'm sure it was happening then because your intensity that was unlike anything I had ever experienced up to that point. It was addictive.
There was nothing in my mind but you. The scent of you, the way you felt, the sounds you made, how at ease I felt…
You were a guy, and my best friend, and this had never crossed my mind, and yet, this lust had come from kissing you.
It was confusing because I hadn't expected it. However, you are to me what thousands of people will never be, so maybe it shouldn't have come as a shock that even such a thing would feel natural with you.
My orgasm hit me like a tidal wave and I came with a loud set of repeated moans, sucking on your tongue and wishing that it would last forever.
I had no room for awkwardness. I was in pure bliss. You looked down at me with so much understanding and fondness. You pressed your lips to my forehead, to my cheeks. You murmured a few careful teasing words at me. You told me you enjoyed it, too.
As I pulled you down for another slower, more gentle kiss, I realized that this was what kissing someone precious meant. It made sense. Good. It was just our bond working along with our young age. It was only natural. Friends did stuff like this, right? It was no big deal. We'd remember it with a few laughs and have no regrets. At least we did it. Better safe than sorry. It would've been worse to not have tried it and kept on wondering how it would've been for the rest of our lives.
I was only sorry that I didn't get to rile you up to the point where you wanted to masturbate, too. But then again, you weren't me. We were friends and of course someone like you wouldn't get a boner for something like this.
We made out for what felt like hours that night. I took you home and we made out some more at your doorstep. We didn't really talk a lot about it. Would we ever do it again? Did we want to? None of that. We simply parted ways as usual, easily letting it slide. It was our little secret, something we had shared and a memory that would bring us even closer.
I was happy to have crossed that line. It had been good, and fun, and it had quelled my teenage boy loneliness. I still didn't like guys, but I had enjoyed myself with you. I had been attracted to you while we were kissing and I jerked off, but outside of that, we'd go back to normal. That was what I believed in. Nothing had changed, we had simply bonded further.
But… your mouth, Sasuke, isn't something easily forgettable. In fact, nothing about you is.
For the next few days, our little tryst had given another color to my alone time. I didn't even watch porn or think about Sakura.
Still, weeks went by and nothing had changed. I love you, so of course such a thing had to have an impact on me. I didn't allow myself to think about it, even if I constantly wondered if it had marked you just as deep. I couldn't find the will to ask.
Then, that fateful party happened. That drinking game took its toll on us. Everyone said you looked hot, and I reached a point where I had to allow myself to admit it, too. We stayed close to each other all night. Sakura was all over you and it pissed me off. I know you never cared about her that way, but you being tipsy made you more smiley than usual, and you don't know how attractive it makes you look. I grew frustrated so I demanded your attention. Next thing we know, I was being pushed against a wall in a secluded corner and you were all over me. My reaction was to pull you closer and shove a leg between yours. You grew hard as we kissed like two men on the brink of death. In my drunken state, I was glad you were as eager as me.
I think we might've rutted against each other until we both came. I wish I could remember it well, but I only know I had cum in my underwear the next morning when I woke up in my bed. I regretted not having memories of something I knew had felt amazing.
I didn't pretend that it didn't happen, and neither did you. I suppose it was a bit awkward, but if you could feel sexual arousal with me, and we could have easy fun with each other, then it was all gain, right? No need to overcomplicate things. Friends were there for each other, and we trusted each other this much. We came to an agreement without really settling any ground rules. We'd kiss and fool around whenever we felt like it, but nothing would change between us and if we wanted to get with other people, we would. Simple.
It wasn't like we even kissed every single day, let alone do something more. Random making out without being in a relationship is a lot more difficult to execute than it seems, yet, all it took was one good morning kiss from you.
I don't know what changed or how it evolved. I don't know when we started to kiss just because. I don't know when I started to reach out to touch you more meaningfully, always a silent call for attention.
I don't know when my own pleasure started to be secondary to yours. I enjoyed it when you got hard, and I wanted to make you feel good. I don't know when or why we started to remove our clothes.
I don't know the moment when I became infatuated by the texture of your skin. I don't know when it was that I started wanting more.
I remember touching your naked cock for the first time. I freaked out a bit and didn't know what to do, all I knew was that I was highly fascinated by every little reaction from you. I remember the first time you touched mine - I came far too easily.
It was supposed to be nothing but healthy, simple fun. Groping, rutting, kissing, just generally fooling around out of boredom or necessity. That was all there was to it.
Our minds weren't supposed to get foggy. Our bodies weren't supposed to get the best out of us. I wasn't supposed to desire you, neither want more from you. You weren't supposed to give yourself so easily.
We tried many things together - some things that came to us by instinct, others that we saw on the internet. Either way, it was a succession of events that I had no control over.
Neither of us were virgins anymore, and yet everything that happened between us was a novelty I couldn't get tired of.
Then came day when we held each other and I felt your hands clawing on my back. You bit down on my shoulder hard enough to elicit a pleased moan from me. Your lips then met my ear - let's just fuck already, Naruto.
As if it had been predictable that we'd been holding back on that and that we'd crack, eventually.
Your voice had trembled slightly, filled with want and many things my mind couldn't process at the moment, nor did it want to.
But I wanted it so bad I thought I might die. Thank the fucking heavens, I thought. I had been thinking about it for far too long, more than one would consider normal for mere 'fooling around' outside of a relationship. I should've known it would only escalate. That you had chosen me, that you felt like you wanted to give your body to me… those were feelings I still don't know how to explain. I felt so grateful towards you, and felt like I wanted to devote everything I had to make you feel good and wanted. You deserved everything. You gave everything you had.
I didn't like questioning myself, or my sexuality. I loved you. Based on that knowledge alone, everything happening between us made sense. We weren't a couple, we just liked doing stuff together and trusted each other to the point where we could do this and not make it an issue. How many people could claim themselves to be lucky like this?
I had stopped denying that you turned me on and that I mostly went to you because I wanted you rather than being horny over something else. I liked your warmth, and your smell, and the way you touched me. I liked how everything you did seemed to be filled with passion. I knew you loved me, too. I knew you were always considerate because you cared. For me, you would've done anything, as I would've done for you. We never did things in a half-assed way.
I prefered not to dwell on how my dreams were filled with memories of us. I tried not to let my body heat up whenever I thought about your flawless body inside of me, your lips mouthing at the piercing I had on my nape - an odd habit you had gained that drove me crazy. I tried not to think about how I wished I could just grab you and fuck you whenever and wherever I wanted to. But I knew it couldn't simply be like that. We owed each other nothing when it came to this.
My bed smelt of you. My pillow, my covers, my clothes, too. I reveled in it. It always made me smile. I ached to have your scent all over me and the marks of our encounters all over my body.
I now know every little corner of you, what makes you moan, what drives you crazy, what you like best, what your moods say about what you want. I know we both enjoy it when I'm sucking you off and fucking you with three fingers. I know you like to watch me as much as I like to be watched by you. I know we both prefer to face each other when we fuck so we can kiss unless we are too riled up and another position is more practical. I know we both relish in the days when our parents aren't home and we can just have each other until we're sticky with sweat and fluids and there's nothing else to give anymore.
I always prided myself in being privy to this side of you.
Maybe I was becoming addicted to this concept of 'us' that, all in all, wasn't even real to begin with. That couldn't be good. I was aware of it.
Maybe I wasn't as straight as I thought I was. Maybe you, being my precious person, were the exception. Wasn't it to be expected, that I'd feel good with you in ways I couldn't with anyone else? And the gods know I tried to be with other people; not that I put as much effort as I probably should, but I did. It was never the same. I couldn't get the rush with any of the girls, and it was a stated fact that I still didn't like guys because they awakened nothing in me. You remained the exception.
No-one knew but us. Sometimes, though, I wished they did. Sometimes, the secret was suffocating. Wanting you was a heavy burden I didn't know how to relieve myself from. What we did together was nobody's business but our own and really, there wasn't much to tell.
There was a lot of passion going on between us - it seemed to grow and engulf us both, but wasn't that supposed to happen when two people who share the bond we do get under each other's skins? There was nothing left for me to show you anymore. I doubted there would ever be a lover that would know me the way you do, and that would see as much of me as you have.
And your eyes… Sasuke, your deep, beautiful eyes have seen things I'd never dare show another person, and yet, they never belittled or underestimated me. Those eyes could only gaze at me with empathy and fondness. I craved for them, watching my every move. I wanted them paying attention to me even if I was at my worst. I felt like such a whiny child when in your arms.
I am a selfish, hypocritical person. I kept calling you a 'friend' even when I was screaming for you to fuck me again. What kind of logic is that, even?
I claimed that things hadn't changed. Apart from the sex, apparently they hadn't. You still treated me the same, and those boundaries were still firmly settled. We didn't talk about it - it was easier that way. It was easier to get riled up, fuck it out, and resume playing PS4 or studying or whatever it was that we had been doing before that unbearable heat consumed us.
Sasuke, I don't know the moment when I definitely stopped wanting to reach out to anyone else but you. I don't know when I started to wonder if you thought of me as much as I thought of you. I don't know the moment when I wanted to hold your hand in the streets but felt powerless to do so.
The moments when I wished we would stay in each other's arms and talk about the future.
This couldn't possibly last forever. Would it just end one day? Would you just randomly show up at my doorstep and tell me you have someone else, or that you simply don't want it anymore? Would I be the one to do it?
Somehow, it frightened me.
My head became a mess. You still acted the same, but I had changed. Not knowing what you were thinking drove me crazy, and yet, I was scared to talk to you and find out something unpleasant. Or maybe I was simply scared that you didn't think the same way - that these things didn't plague you as they did to me. After all, you didn't care for sex nor romance, right? Even if you got hard with me and seemed as eager to be with me as I was with you, in the end, would it be that hard to not do it anymore?
You have always been everything to me. More than a brother, more than a friend and more than a lover… you're irreplaceable. And suddenly I became obsessed with it - obsessed with our bond and trying to figure out what the fuck was going on between us. We were growing up, and soon enough we'd be out of high school. What then?
We've been fucking for a year now, Sasuke. And I don't think I can do it with anyone else anymore.
I think I spent these last few weeks in a daze, wanting to understand, wanting to do something but being unable to. I tried to muster up the strength to talk to you but ended up being so pathetic and needy I could only fall into you and make demands. I stopped caring about the place or the time. As always, you complied and gave me exactly what I wanted. You offered me your sensuous smirk as usual, and treated everything between us with that carefree demeanor that simply accepts us the way we are so easily.
We found ourselves on our backs side side, lying naked on the carpet of your living room. Your mother was out to talk to the next door neighbour and your father would be arriving soon from work. We didn't have much time before we needed to start cleaning up and putting our clothes back on. I often wondered what our parents would think if they ever walked in on us.
Would the world change that much if we came out?
I rolled onto my side with an arm under my head and watched as you looked up at the ceiling blankly.
"You know I love you, don't you?" I asked, hoping that I could find some reassurance in you. You didn't look at me.
"Yeah," you replied in a whisper. "We're best friends, right?"
"You're my soulmate." I was being honest. I always thought of you as such.
Your smirk was oddly empty. It made my heart constrict. "You're so lame."
"Shut up."
I wanted to reach out and touch you. I raised my hand and brought it close to your ear, where several piercings could be seen (I watched you get every single one of them), but your voice stopped me.
"I've applied to several colleges abroad." I think I stopped breathing when you said it. "Kakashi-sensei thinks I'll definitely be accepted somewhere and with a scholarship good enough to pay most of my expenses."
I was so shocked I sat quickly, looking down at you with eyes wide. You wanted to go to college, so I knew we'd go our semi-separate ways at some point since I had no intention of applying to one myself, at least for the time being. But it was one thing for you to be in the same country where I could come and see you, and it was another, very different one, for you to be in another country, where I couldn't reach you at all.
I was terribly scared all of sudden.
We argued. I asked you why you hadn't told me, you said you didn't think it was that relevant. How? I demanded. How could you possibly think that I wouldn't find it relevant that you'd fly away from our hometown and I wouldn't be seeing you for months on end? I accused you of not trusting me. You accused me of not even trying to make something out of myself. Then we fought about things that didn't even make sense anymore. We insulted each other with things that were simply stupid. We usually bickered a lot, but it was obvious that there was a lot of pent up frustration going on between us that neither really knew where it had come from.
We ended up getting dressed, both fuming, but more than being angry I felt sad and devastated, especially because I didn't know what the fuck I was supposed to do or how to feel.
"Will it make a difference to you, that I won't be here to be your fuck buddy anymore?" you suddenly asked, as I angrily made my way to the entrance hall. I could only spin on my heels and look at you, surprised. You had your arms crossed over your chest, and you looked serious like I've seldom seen you. You were frighteningly imposing, your eyes dark as I've never seen them. "Or will you just not care and move on? After all, it's just sex between friends, right?"
I couldn't give you a reply if I tried. I didn't know if I was hurt that you would even suggest that it would make no difference to me, or shocked that I could definitely feel that this was something that had been upsetting you for a while and I hadn't even noticed.
I didn't know what to do. What was I supposed to say? With what purpose? I didn't want to lose that aspect of 'us' but it seemed stupid to say 'I don't want to stop having sex with you because I like it'. Somehow I knew that wasn't what you wanted to hear.
But… what was it that you wanted me to tell you? What kind of answer could I possibly provide that would make you satisfied?
"This stops now," you hissed, anger and obvious disappointment at my lack of response displayed all over your features. I simply couldn't believe that I had been able to hurt you because of my own naivety. "Now get the fuck out."
I couldn't even fight you.
We texted each other to apologize and make small talk, but we didn't talk to each other face to face for a long time. I wanted you every single day, but I couldn't bring myself to say it to you or ask you to come for me. If you said it was over, then it was over and I wouldn't force you if it made you feel uncomfortable and miserable. I wanted you to let me know what was in your heart, what you were feeling. We are best friends, dammit, we should be able to be honest with each other. But… you acted as though nothing changed, even though the tension between us said a lot about how we both felt.
I thought that, as long as you could still be my friend and care for me it would be alright. But… that isn't even close to being enough anymore.
It took a while for me to realize that the problem wasn't you, nor 'us' - it was me. I was the one who was scared to look at things and accept them for what they were. I thought about you all day long and wished for things between us that surprised even me.
Then, I realized that you had been wishing for those same things for a long time.
Because you were always honest. You didn't give yourself to me because you were simply my friend, you did it because you wanted to. Your heart, your body had chosen me, long ago, and I had been stupid enough to think that it was all fun and games for the both of us. There was a reason as to why you reacted to me alone.
I'm such a fool.
And I… I think I might've chosen you, too. Because there's no way either of us could even have this with someone else. I don't want to.
I thought I was in love with a girl when, all along, you have been my number one, the person I've always prioritized. Apart from my own family, you're a person I can't live without. And I can live without Sakura just fine.
I thought I'd never have to question myself, my goals or my future. But you made me do it. You forced me to sort out my priorities all over again.
I feel at home when I'm with you. I don't know how I managed to live without 'us' like this for so long. Not having it right now is hell.
How, Sasuke, am I supposed to let this go? How do you think I'll feel when you leave and I can't see you everyday? We've always been together. I just…
It's your nineteenth birthday and yesterday I did something crazy, but something I'm very happy about. No matter what, I won't regret it. I did it for you.
I've made my decision. This is simply the first step.
You seem to be in a foul mood though. You didn't want any birthday celebrations, only the customary dine-out with your parents later today. I'm glad you didn't ditch me either in spite of how things have been between us, since we've always at least seen each other on our birthdays, even if it was just to spend half an hour together so we could give each other our presents.
I don't have anything to give you today, though. You always say you never expect anything, but your mood sours further as we take a stroll around your neighborhood. You have your hands shoved inside the pockets of your shorts, and your mouth is closed tightly. I can tell you're seething, and it's all my fault. I feel guilty but can't help but smile to myself.
"I finally got myself a tattoo yesterday," I tell you casually, capturing your attention as you look at me with a heavy frown.
"You couldn't have told me about it?" you accuse, and I know you're just getting pissed, even though you keep your voice leveled. "I could've been there with you!"
"There was no need, I wanted it to be a surprise," I admit, with a small shrug. "Plus, I know you would've tried to talk me out of it when you saw what I chose."
Your expression turns to one of horror. "Please tell me you didn't do the one with the green skull with the heart eyes."
I laugh, remembering all the times I said I'd get it just to rile you up. "Nope."
I stop in my tracks and you do the same. Carefully, I pull the sleeve of my t-shirt all the way up to expose the work of art carved on my upper left arm. You move closer to see it better and I can hear your breath catch.
It's not big, as it's easily covered by the t-shirt sleeve, but it catches one's eyes for sure if it's uncovered like this. Well, I was supposed to have it properly patched up and sanitized like the artist told me, especially at such an early stage, but I simply wanted you to see it so badly. Let's hope it doesn't infect or I'll have a hard time. But fuck that, I'm sure it'll be worth it.
I watch your face as you swallow hard - you look positively taken aback.
You slowly raise your hand and brush your fingertips ever so lightly over the abused skin, but I still hiss. After all, small as it is, flesh can still be seen and it's still raw and bright red. I, too, have a hard time looking at it right now because I'm torn between feeling nauseous and fascinated by it myself. It hurt like hell to do, and it will look horrible for a while as the skin starts to heal and scar. But I think you get the meaning at least. This is definitely so much more meaningful than an ordinary tattoo.
It's a celtic-looking intricate pattern that forms an obvious 'S', elegant leaf-like shapes adorning it, literally carved on my skin.
"You… did a scarification tattoo… of an 'S'," you mutter, your voice faltering in disbelief. "This is…"
"It doesn't stand for 'Sakura', just so you know," I say, trying to sound playful but beginning to feel the initial stages of nervousness. I don't know how you're going to respond, I just know I can't screw up things between us anymore. I can't risk our relationship anymore.
Your wide eyes meet mine and I can't understand the many emotions flooding them, but it makes my heart beat faster. My stomach clenches. It's hard to look at you when you look like that. How can someone be so stoic and so expressive at the same time I don't know. All I know is that I am reminded of how much I love you. How I could ever think that this feeling was something different than what it is is beyond me.
You bite hard on your lower lip and you barely blink, not looking away from me. Your hand is shaking violently as you move it to grab the hem of my t-shirt, clutching it with your fist.
"What… what exactly is the meaning of this?" you stutter, in a whisper. I have to wet my suddenly dry lips.
"Your birthday present," I reply, lowering my sleeve and slowly turning to you. "No matter what, Sasuke… you're my most important person. It's not just sex with you and it never was. I want you to know that. You're irreplaceable to me."
Your lips are parted as you stare at me. I don't expect you to be able to speak, so I take advantage to do so myself. I'm not cowering away anymore, and the hope in your eyes gives me all the courage I need. If I'm right, and you've been wanting this all along, then this is the best gift I can give us both right now, and still, for you, I know nothing I'll ever do will be able to pay for your value. Good. At least I know I'll have to stay by your side forever.
"I wish that we could always be together," I say, reaching out to touch your cheek and smiling a little sheepishly at you. Somehow, even though we've done so much stuff together, this kind of thing is embarrassing beyond words. Still, even if we're outdoors, I don't care if the whole town sees us. "But I know you have dreams that I can't be part of. If you have the chance to go abroad, then that's fine. I'm really happy for you, and so proud." I clear my throat. "But… just know that I'll be waiting for you for as long as it takes."
You take a sharp intake of breath through your nose. Your free hand comes up to grab for the one I have over your cheek. It's a bit sweaty and so warm I am reminded of your heat. "Waiting for me?"
"Yeah," I move closer, hesitantly, so our chests are pressed together. This made me painfully aware of how much I missed this intimate proximity. "So I can finally ask you to be my official boyfriend properly. So we can always be together."
Your hand squeezes mine. I still don't know how to identify the things burning in your gaze, but then again, I can't make sense of all the things I feel when I'm with you. I can swear I hear you whisper an almost inaudible 'idiot' before you sigh softly.
Suprising me a little, you move away from me and turn around, so I'm facing your back. Your hands come behind you, to the back of your head and lift the spikey inky mess that is your hair, exposing the elegant nape of your neck.
I feel like I'm going to die. Or cry. You're so hard to deal with, Sasuke, and so unpredictable. But then again, so am I. Isn't this what makes us perfect together?
In your pale nape, I can see two familiar silvery dots, perfectly aligned side by side. You finally got yourself new piercings as you wanted, and it's exactly where I have mine. Even the adornments are exactly like mine.
Now I know why the obsession. Now I understand.
I can't even move. Fuck, I just...
"We still have the summer vacations," you say, letting your hair fall and looking over your shoulder at me. There is a gentle, but teasing smirk on your perfect lips. "Why don't you just ask me properly now?"
It appears that I've lost the ability to breathe. I can feel my cheeks catching fire. This is so stupid and embarrassing but I'm so overwhelmingly happy right now.
I'm so lucky to have you. I need to make sure I'm deserving of being this blessed. You, who have always accepted me, understood me, forgiven me no matter what. You, who are so patient, who knows me better than anyone else.
Have you, somehow, seen it would come down to this at some point? That I'd realize I'd never love someone the same way I love you? That I'd want to keep you and not allow anyone else to have you?
You were always the smart one of the two. Really, it was so obvious I can't believe it all came as a surprise.
I can't handle this. I was going to propose properly, but you look so serious I can't possibly do such a stupid thing. This is why I've always left the burden of our feelings on your shoulders, because you are always so much cooler than I can ever hope to be, so much more stoic. It's so much easier to let things slip by instead of thinking things through and putting myself to shame.
We're not girls, damn it.
But… well, since it's for you…
Nevermind, I'm just going to kiss you and show you how I feel. Hopefully you'll get the message. It's always been easier without words to get in the way.
So, I grab your arm and force you to face me so I can snake my arms around your waist. I can't help but roughly pull you tips of our noses touch a little too hard but your arms quickly surround my neck. There is a moment of hesitation during which the tension between us skyrockets and next thing I know our mouths are meeting voraciously and it's the worst best feeling in the world. It makes me go weak in the knees but floods my body with adrenaline. I've missed this so much - this closeness, the softness of your teasing tongue, your taste, these things we never say but share all the same. It's fucking amazing, Sasuke, that I can feel how much you've longed for this, just like I have. I can feel your happiness in the way your arms tighten around me.
It's okay. I'll wait for you. It'll hurt not being able to see you every day, but we'll be fine as long as I know you'll come back to me and that, someday, we'll be together, always. That certainty will give us both strength, I'm sure.
For now, summer is still starting and I plan to take advantage of every little second I have with you.
"Hey," I whisper, pulling back a little for a second. "Should we break the news to our parents?"
Your smile is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I want to be responsible for this smile as many times as I possibly can. Please don't show it to anyone else but me.
I don't think either of us needs to find a label anymore. It's not relevant so long as we know where we belong, right?
THE END
A/N2ND: Scarification is a new type of 'tattooing' that involves carving one's skin to leave a scar-shaped 'tattoo'. Sounds grotesque and amazing at the same time. And nape piercings (you can google it) are something I personally find hot. A coworker of mine has it and I think she looks so awesome.
Well, yeah, I know the fic is lame and cliché and stupidly fluffy (blegh, and I hate fluff *vomits*), but… it's dedicated to my beautiful soy sauce and he deserves to be loved and happy. So… happy b-day Sasuke!
I hope you guys managed to enjoy it, even if just a little! Thank you for reading, and please let me know your thoughts!
REVIEW?