Disclaimer: I own nada.
Warning: Strong language ahead folks, but I'm assuming you're OK with if since you've played the game. I'm hoping the T rating will cover it, but please let me know if it's not and I'll change this to M.
If there was a swear jar for every time Ellie swore then we'd be rich indeed.
Full Circle
"I'm going to kill that mother fucker!"
Not for the first time, Joel finds himself struggling to figure out how to respond to Ellie's emotion fuelled outburst.
Every other hormone crazy and heartbroken eighteen year old female he has ever known would've been a crying mess, probably sobbing over a bottle of badly fermented wine. Shit, they might have succumbed to performing a ritual burning of meaningful mementos if they felt particularly vindictive, erasing any trace of the wrong doer in an overly dramatic fashion. Joel had always thought personally was a little too much.
But no, this was Ellie. Ellie was not like other girls.
"That fucking coward!" She hisses through gritted teeth, face flushed as her knuckles turn white from the intensity of her clenched shaking fists. She paces around their lounge like a whirlwind of pure unfiltered rage, only pausing to aim a frustrated kick at the coffee table.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
"How could he fuckin' do this to me, after everything!" She damn near screams as Joel keeps silent, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. His face is unreadable with the exception of knitted brows which hint at his confusion. His mind is rapidly putting together the few jumbled pieces of information that are tumbling out of Ellie's mouth.
"Now hold up Ellie, are you tryin' to tell me that Dylan's gone?" Joel asks warily, his rumbling voice a stark contrast compared to Ellie's high pitch of damn near hysteria.
"Yes he's fucking gone! Poof, gone! He left me a stupid note," she pulls the crumpled piece of paper out of the back pocket of her jeans, throwing it at Joel without a glance as she continues to curse Dylan in earnest. "If I get my hands on that piece of shit I'm going to rip off his balls with my bare hands…"
Joel's features darken as he bends down to pick up the yellow note. He straightens it, eyes quickly scanning the sloppy handwriting.
'Ellie,
Well shit finally hit the fan between Tommy and my old man. Tommy refused to let him take men to go raid the hunters down by the city, saying that's not what this community is about. Dad reckons he's gone soft in the head and we need those supplies. Anyways, he can't stand it anymore so we're leaving. Immediately. I've got no choice Ellie, he's my only family left.
I'll never forget about our time together, you mean everything to me.
Love,
Dylan.'
"The bastard left without even saying goodbye! He can go face fuck a Clicker!"
Joel doesn't say much as Ellie continues her bitter tirade, but he's there for her when she eventually calms down and falls asleep on the couch at some ungodly hour. He scoops up the slumbering form and carries her quietly to her room, gently placing her on her bed before covering her with her quilt. He watches her from the doorway as she stirs in her sleep obviously distressed still. It disturbs Joel to see his normally upbeat charge like this.
He vows and declares right then to show that punk real pain if they ever cross paths again.
Weeks pass and Ellie's anger continues to simmer below the surface. Joel can see it flash occasionally in her expressive eyes. He sees the way she tenses whenever she sees another couple walking past hand in hand, or express any kind of loving gesture.
Joel's wise enough to avoid talking about anything relating to Dylan or relationships. Joel knows he's as useful as a grave robber in a crematorium when it comes to this sort of thing so he tries to keep Ellie as busy as possible. He figures that should do the trick.
It's summertime in Jackson County, so when they're not working he takes her out hunting and continues her swimming lessons up stream in a rocky pool. He gives her an axe and sends her outside to chop firewood for their winter stocks. He reminisces about his father doing the exact same thing when Joel was a surly teen, telling him it's 'character building' and 'productive to burn off that damn temper.' It worked for him, so it should would work for Ellie he reasons.
It's when Ellie starts getting sick he becomes worried.
She tries her hardest to hide it from him, but the shower running does little to disguise the sounds of her heaving. He worries he's been pushing her too hard, but she rips his head off the one time he brings it up saying she's fine and can look after herself.
On the fourth day of Ellie's mystery illness, Joel approaches Maria out of desperation and asks her to talk to Ellie for him. He knows they're friendly, and Maria is a smart woman. She'd know what to do. Maria agrees, clearly concerned.
"Hey Joel, Dylan left about six weeks ago didn't he?" Maria asks thoughtfully as Joel turns to leave her office. He pauses, hand hovering over the door knob as he turns to face her. "Yeah," he replies, not missing the way Maria's eyes narrow like she's figured something out. "Interesting… I'll talk to her tonight."
Joel is in the kitchen when Ellie eventually gets home later that evening. He looks up from the dear he's preparing for dinner, lips a thin line as he looks at her apprehensively. He notices straight away how pale she is, her face a startling waxy complexion. She avoids all eye contact as she shuffles past him, making her way slowly towards her room as if in a dream like trance.
"Dinner will be ready soon kiddo," he calls out, turning on the stove and cursing under his breath as the light next to the dial flickers and dies. Damn temperamental thing.
"I'm not hungry. I'm gonna go to bed." He can barely hear her mumbled response before she shuts the door behind her with a soft click. She's just as withdrawn the next day, and the next. Joel attempts to awkwardly ask her again what's wrong but the most he gets is a blunt "I'm fine."
Eventually Joel snaps. He storms back into Maria's office and points an accusing finger in her face. "What the hell did you talk to her about? Why is she so damn quiet!?" He slams his fist on her desk, eyes dark as his sister in law purses her lips from her seat.
"That's not for me to say," her reply sets him over the edge.
"You've got to be fuckin' with me!" He thunders, not giving two shits that the startled workers outside can hear him as clear as a bell. "Somethin' aint right and I'm not leavin' until you tell me!" His words are laced with the stress that the situation is causing him. He tries desperately to hide it but he cares about Ellie too damn much for it not to show.
Maria doesn't say anything, instead her slender fingers rhythmically tap on her desk like she's weighing something up. Joel has to give her credit, he's right up in her face and she hasn't even flinched.
"Joel, she's pregnant."
His hands drop as he looks at her in shock, like she has just told some sort of terrible joke. He knows Maria enough to be able to recognise that hard look on her face, reserved for when she's being deadly serious. He backs out of the office in a daze, ignoring Maria as she tries to call him back.
Once again, Joel doesn't know what to do.
He doesn't say anything when he sees Ellie at home. Instead he watches her carefully, kicking himself for not seeing the signs sooner. She's already becoming curvier, and several times he caught her hand absentmindedly rubbing her stomach.
That night he drowns his frustration and sorrows with a bottle of Gary's homebrew. It tastes like rubbing alcohol and musty socks, but it numbs the pain. As he falls asleep he's plotting how he's going to track down Dylan and murder the little punk for putting his Ellie in this situation.
Ellie wakes him the next day, prodding him with a finger as he lays slumped over the kitchen table. "You stink," she groans, scrunching her nose at the empty bottle still in his grasp. He looks up at her with bloodshot eyes, blinking slowly as the room is still spinning a little.
"Why didn't you tell me you're pregnant," the slurred words are tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop them. Ellie freezes, eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights. The silence in the kitchen is heavy.
"How did you find out? Fucking Maria!" She growls after a while but doesn't move.
"That doesn't matter, what matters is that you're pregnant and you didn't tell me. C'mon Ellie, this is serious," Joel's voice comes out more forceful than he intended, but he can't help it. All he wants to do is to yell about how irresponsible she is. How the hell could she let herself get into this situation?
He reminds himself that this is the world they live in now though.
She sighs and chews her bottom lip with her eyes downcast. "I'm scared Joel alright?! There, are you fuckin' happy? I'm alone, Dylan's not here and h-how do we know this baby is going to come out normal? How can someone who's infected have a goddamn baby?"
Shit, he hadn't thought of that.
And so they talk. Hell he talked more in that one hour than he had to anyone in the past two months. He reassures her that everything is going to be fine, they will get through it together. He lets her know that she isn't alone and that he will be with her every single step of the way. He hugs her and promises that the baby will be born fine.
He's disturbed on many levels to see the normally cocky and brave girl frightened, and for her to openly admit that she's frightened. He says everything that he can think of to convince her everything will be OK.
Problem is, he can't even convince himself.
The months drag past and soon everyone knows that Ellie is pregnant. She's unable to hide the way her stomach protrudes underneath her baggy shirts. They murmur that the father left her and the poor thing is on her own. Ellie overheard a pair of women discussing this one day and told them rather colourfully to shove it where the sun don't shine.
Ellie starts to become more withdrawn. It's not an easy pregnancy, the constant 'what if's' looming over their heads. It kills Joel to see her so anxious, so quiet. Gone were the days of her constant chattering and terrible jokes that use to irritate the shit out of him. Now he would kill to have the old Ellie back.
Because of this, he puts up with her constant mood swings, and cooks whatever strange requests she concocts without complaint. He does draw the line though at rubbing her feet. You can only push a man so far.
He doesn't tell Ellie he's been down this road before with Rachel when she was pregnant with Sarah. He doesn't tell her he was the exact same age as she was when he was facing the frightening prospect of becoming a father so young.
He doesn't tell her that the constant reminders of his past are causing his vivid nightmares of Sarah to become more frequent again.
Joel goes with Ellie to every doctor's appointment even though they make him feel real uncomfortable. He knows she appreciates his presence from the way she smiles up at him or leans on him and sighs tiredly. He promised her he would be there for her and he meant it.
She was his Ellie after all.
Tommy teases Joel, saying he's a changed man and remarks that he's come a long way since they separated long ago. He goes as far to say "You've gone soft in your old age." Joel silences his little brother with a glare. If looks could kill then they would be digging Tommy a grave.
Two weeks before the baby is due, Ellie is rushed to the hospital.
Joel's busy repairing a broken wall when he gets the news. He drops his tools and sprints as fast as he can to the grey building in the middle of settlement. He bursts wildly through the front door, demanding answers from anyone that looked like they knew anything remotely medical. He knows nothing, and that scared the shit out of him.
Something was wrong.
His fists clench when he notices the guards down the hallway stationed in front of the surgery room. Bitter memories of Utah come to the surface, his panic turning into anger.
Tommy rushes into the room, breathing heavily like he's run several miles. He pulls Joel back and shakes his head as Joel tries desperately to make his way towards the surgical room. Joel shoves at his brother, threatening him. Someone from behind grabs Joel unexpectedly, restraining him. Joel struggles with all his might as Tommy shouts at Joel to calm down.
Joel didn't even notice that Maria was in the room. She places a hand on Joel's heaving chest, her voice steady and even as she explains that somethings wrong with the baby and they're going to perform a caesarean. He glares at her, demanding why there are guards.
"We don't know if the baby is infected. Our only doctor is putting his life on the line with this surgery" her response is unusually cool. Typical Maria, putting the people before her emotions. Joel is bewildered, how can a tiny fragile baby with no goddamn teeth hurt anyone!?
"JOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!"
They all turn towards Ellie's agonized screaming. With a surge of strength, Joel slips lose his elbow and thrusts up, connecting with a chin. He struggles free and pushes past his brother as he sprints towards Ellie. Tommy shouts at the guards to lower their firearms as they line Joel up in their sights. Joel ignores them as he hurtles into the surgery room.
Ellie is crying, her pale face contorted with pain as she lies on the bed with no drape to hide her from the horror of what was happening to her body. There's blood everywhere as the doctor stands over Ellie, his hands deep inside of her stomach. Joel's shaking as he moves to stand by her head. He doesn't think as he grabs her hand, his fingers instantly crushed by her vice grip.
"Joel it hurts, it hurts so much!" she groans as she looks at him with tear filled eyes before scrunching them up tightly as she starts screaming again.
"I know baby girl, I'm here now and I ain't goin' anywhere," he says softly, his voice betraying his fear as he tenderly strokes her sweaty hair with his free hand. He loses track of time as he stands there next to Ellie.
Tommy is right beside him, leaning on the wall but making sure both himself and his older brother keep out of the way. Joel knows he's there to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid, but he doesn't care. His attention is purely on the girl with a goddamn doctors hands inside of her causing so much goddamn pain.
Joel is so focused he doesn't notice the tension when they pull the baby free and cut the cord.
He doesn't notice the nervous glances the nurses are shooting each other.
He doesn't notice the way the doctor is holding the baby away from him.
He does however notice that the baby isn't crying. Ellie stares at the pink mass with fearful eyes, her hand reaches out with a pointed finger attempting to touch her child but she's too far away.
"Why aren't you doing anything!?" Joel shouts as the room stills, everyone looking at the silent unmoving baby. The guard steps forward with a scanner, pressing it against the babies ear.
"Infected," he states heavily.
The doctor is grim as he places the baby in the plastic crib located next to Ellie's bed. He looks at Joel apologetically before taking a step back. The guard hesitates, before flicking the safety off of his rifle.
"Don't you fucking dare!" Joel roars as he rips out his handgun from the back of his jeans. The two guards stationed outside push the swinging doors open, shouting at Joel to drop his weapon. He can hear Tommy cursing as he tries to calm the situation down.
"No, stop…" Ellie whispers feebly as her eyes roll backwards. Her body goes still. Joel aims his weapon at the doctor "Goddamit someone help her before I blow his fuckin' brains out!" he snarls as the metallic rustling of three rifles being lifted up fills the silent room.
"Joel stop! There's nothing I can do, the council voted on this! They overruled Maria and I!" Tommy pleads with his older brother. He knows that crazed protective look that Joel has, the one where he wont stop until nothing stands in his way from what he wants. Joel's face turns to him, gun still aiming at the doctor. His expression is wild with rage. "No! You won't even give the baby a chance and Ellie is dy… Goddamit someone help them! The baby might be immune like her has anyone thought of that!?" He feels so helpless. Joel knows 12 different ways he can kill everyone in the room, but he doesn't know how to fix Ellie.
She can't die. Not now. Not after everything.
Tommy eyes Joel warily, before turning to the doctor. "Fuck it. You heard the man, help the girl! Everyone put their guns down, we're gonna to give the baby two days to see if it… turns."
Joel sighs in relief as the nurses and doctor instantly began to work on Ellie. One nurse slowly approaches the baby as if it was going to jump up and attack her at any given moment, a low growl from Joel was enough for her to immediately pick up the baby.
"You're not staying here," Tommy hissed as he drags his older brother out of the room.
Joel doesn't know how long he sits in the waiting room with his head in his hands. He knows his brother is pissed at him but he doesn't care. He knows he's going to have to have good ol talk with his dear baby brother about how he almost let it happen, but now was not the time.
He can't get the image of how much of Ellie's blood was on the floor. He grits his teeth. It wasn't meant to be like this.
The exhausted doctor approaches the pair hours later, shooting Joel an apprehensive glance before he explains to the brothers that the baby was healthy and her vitals were fine. They are keeping her in a separate room in case anything was to happen, but he was confident that she was 'normal.'
Joel bites his tongue as he resists yelling at the doctor about how close they had been to killing an innocent newborn.
"What about Ellie? Can I go see her now?" He asks tiredly, standing up. The doctor plays with his wedding band nervously, unable to look Joel in the eye. Tommy shuffles in his seat as Joel straightens. "What is it doc?"
"Ellie's… Ellie is in a coma. I'm not too sure what her chances of survival are. She lost a lot of blood…"
Three weeks later, Joel sits next to Ellie's hospital bed with her baby in his arms, rocking her gently from side to side as he hums under his breath. He holds the bundle as if it was the most precious thing in the world. He knows Ellie would be smirking if she could see him but he can't help it. He smiles softly at the cooing baby.
He glances up at the still figure, his eyes flicking to the machine's keeping her alive. He sighs, before his attention is diverted back to the baby as she wriggles in his hold. He's enraptured by her big eyes and tiny delicate fingers. He chuckles as he holds his own finger out and she grasps it with her small hand.
His heart that's been tormented and tortured for years feels lighter than it has done since he lost his own daughter. Ellie had been chipping away at it for years, but that moment when he had been allowed to hold the new born and look her in the eye had changed him. When he was able to take her home it had felt like a gift. His mind often drifted to Sarah, recalling the nervous joy he felt going through the trails of becoming a parent but he accepted that she wasn't here... She wasn't here but this child was, and he was going to protect her like he promised her mother he would.
"You did good kid," Joel knows Ellie can't hear him. He shakes his wary head and smiles to himself. "You know I ain't much of one for talkin', but it's hard for me... I wanted to let you know how damn proud I am of you. I know I don't show it, but I am. I just wanna let you know that no matter what, I'm gonna look after this little one. Although I ain't givin' her no name yet, 'cause knowing you, you'll wake up and hate whatever it is."
Joel takes a deep breath and goes quiet for a moment before continuing on. "The thing that gets me is after everythin' that happened with the Fireflies, you've gone and passed your immunity onto another human…" He trails off, deep in thought. "I mean, maybe, just maybe the world isn't so f-" he pauses, looking at the baby before carrying on, "screwed after all."
The only response he gets is a content gurgle.
He says goodbye to Ellie and kisses her on the forehead like he does every night. His eyes linger on her face for a moment before he walks out of the room, baby cradled in his arms.
He doesn't see Ellie's finger twitch.