Title: Regrets
Rating: K+
Pairing: Sayid/Ana Lucia
Notes: This is a short little oneshot I came up with last night. I ship Sayid/Ana, yes I am kind of crazy, but a lot of people on the ABC message boards agree with me. Anyhoo, this was a little self-challenge thing, cuz I've never been good at portraying Ana. I'm prepared for a bunch of Ana-haters to swarm me saying how much this sucks and Ana should rot in hell and Sayid deserved better, but too bad. This is my story. Please R&R.
Pain. Loss. Mistakes. Bad judgment. Regret.
The ingredients of Ana Lucia.
She would never forget the look on his face. Bursting through the jungle, catching the girl as she collapsed, burying his face in her body, and then…
The pain in his eyes was too much to bear. The anger. The hatred.
The memories blurred by. She vaguely recalled Eko tackling Sayid, her tying him up, and holding everyone at gunpoint. She hadn't known what else to do. She couldn't exactly say "Oh, sorry I shot your girlfriend, it was an accident". So she tied him up, as much as it hurt her to do so. He insisted she untie him when he awoke, but the way he said it made Ana think he knew it was a fruitless effort.
First Eko deserted her.
He took the man, Sawyer back to his camp. Ana knew he had to, but she was almost afraid of being alone with this man. It wouldn't be long before Jin and Michael deserted her to go back to their camp, and all Bernard cared about was seeing his wife. Libby might hand around a little longer than the rest, but after a while she too would leave Ana.
"She has no plan. She only has her guilt and a gun," Sayid had said.
As much as it pained her to admit it, he was right. She almost wished that Eko had just let Sayid kill her. His group would never accept her now. Her only plan was to isolate herself. She was already alone. She always had been, even before the island.
The others left her alone, just as she had expected. It was just her, and the man whose heart she had broken. She couldn't even bear to look at him.
And suddenly she found herself asking him about himself, about his life. If he had any freaking children. And he asked her the same question. She almost told him the truth, but stopped herself at the last minute. Why should she? To make him pity her? As if.
And then he asked if she was going to kill him.
Sadly, she had been thinking about it. Him, then herself. Two bullets. They were alone in the jungle. Who would ever find out? She found herself asking him if he thought she should.
"…Maybe you were meant to,"
Meant to kill. That was her. She picked up the knife, and brought it down hard, cutting the ropes. She saw the fear in his eyes. Then confusion as she threw the gun at his feet.
"Go ahead. I deserve it,"
She wanted him to do it. Just one little shot. No one would care.
"Why should I kill you, if we are both already dead?"
Both already dead echoed in her mind. She felt dead. But if she was already dead, then she couldn't kill herself, or be killed. She watched him as he picked up the girl.
Then, she saw Jack. There was shock and anger in his eyes, and all she could do was stand there and stare, miserably.
Maybe he'll kill me, she thought.
But he didn't.
The following morning, she watched the girl's funeral from the jungle. She knew she wasn't welcome there, but she felt it was the least she could do. Not that watching a funeral could ever ease her regrets and make up for her stupid mistake, but she felt she owed it to both of them. Shannon and Sayid.
She was grateful when Jack brought her the drink later, but her mind was elsewhere. She couldn't stop thinking about him. But that was silly. She had killed the woman he loved. He was strictly off-limits. Why couldn't she be attracted to Jack, instead? But at the oddest of times, she'd find herself watching him.
Regretting. Wishing. Praying.
You always want what you can't have