The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has a very hard shell. Takes place before the events of Bel Panto. This is based on some real life news I saw. Then this came into my tiny insane little mind…
Nuts To You
"Okay Cyril I know we've had a lot of nutty assignments in the past," Archer held up his hand as he sat at the table in the meeting/consulting room. "But this is taking it literally!"
"Sterling this is a very important case!" Mallory admonished her son.
"It's guarding a shipment of nuts!" Archer barked. "This is a job for the Planter's Peanut Guy, not us!"
"Archer…" Lana was in the room as well.
"His name is Mr. Peanut right?" Archer asked. "The Planter's Peanut guy?"
"Archer…" Cyril gave him a look.
"Gives a new definition to the phrase 'working for peanuts'," Archer went on.
"You done?" Lana asked in a tired tone.
"Give me a minute," Archer held up his hand. "I have a few more nut jokes squirreled away."
"Well this job is no joke!" Cyril snapped. "We are being hired to protect a truck convoy carrying nuts from an international crime ring that wants to steal them!"
"An international crime ring is selling illegal nuts?" Archer was stunned. "What did Columbia call dibs on all the cocaine in the world?"
"Archer…" Lana sighed.
"I mean who came up with that idea?" Archer laughed. "Seriously?"
"Sterling you need to take this seriously!" Mallory snapped.
"I mean think about it," Archer kept laughing. "Who the hell is the mob guy who thought up that idea? Should we steal diamonds? No. Electronics. Pass. Drugs? Fugetabout it! Let's rip off grocery stores across America and steal nuts!"
"Archer!" Lana barked.
"If they get pulled over by the cops do they hope the cops have peanut allergies?" Archer snickered. "Because that is a hell of a way of getting out of…"
"ARCHER SHUT UP!" Lana barked.
"I apologize for my son," Mallory said to a handsome man in his sixties sitting next to her. "He was born an idiot."
"No problem. It's part of the job," The man said. He wore a dapper grey suit and had a full head of grey hair and an elegantly trimmed mustache. "Trust me I've heard all the jokes."
"Well this is no joking matter," Cyril glared at Archer. "Archer do you have any idea how much an illegal shipment of nuts sells on the black market? Up to 500 thousand dollars a truck!"
"Five hundred thousand dollars just for nuts?" Archer did a double take. "Wow I know the airlines are really marking up those little bags of peanuts but still…"
"Last year criminals made off with over 4.6 million dollars' worth of nuts," Cyril said. "California almonds, walnuts and pistachios are huge on the black markets in Europe and in Asia."
Lana added. "That's why Mr. Mark Mason here wants to hire us. He owns a nut orchard and he doesn't want his shipment to get robbed again."
"If you can drive my trucks from the distribution center in Central Valley to the harbor in Los Angeles it will give me piece of mind," Mr. Mason explained. "And if God forbid those horrible criminals strike again you can catch them."
"Oh don't worry," Mallory purred as she took Mr. Mason's hand. "We can keep your precious nuts safe."
"His nuts won't be safe around you," Archer quipped.
"Sterling!" Mallory bristled.
"Bet he never heard that one before," Archer remarked.
"Do you have to be so crass?" Mallory snapped.
"Do you have to be so desperate?" Archer asked. "And besides I thought you were still married to Ron?"
"Who's Ron?" Mr. Mason asked.
"Nobody!" Mallory said quickly.
"Her husband," Archer, Lana and Cyril said at the same time.
"We have an understanding," Mallory purred to Mr. Mason.
"Does Ron know that?" Archer asked.
"Do you know how to shut up?" Mallory growled.
"Can we just press on and discuss our fee?" Cyril groaned.
"How about over dinner?" Mallory asked Mr. Mason.
"How about keep it in your pantyhose?" Archer barked. "For once!"
"How about you keep it in your pants for once?" Mallory snapped.
"How is this about me?" Archer asked.
"Isn't everything?" Mallory snapped.
"Mama, Eunice can you two put a cork in it?" Lana barked. "So Mr. Mason can get out of Raytown?"
"If you do this I will pay your firm thirty thousand dollars," Mr. Mason said. "And if you catch the criminals fifty thousand."
"Thirty thousand dollars?" Archer gasped. "And fifty if we get the crooks?"
"How's that for peanuts Charlie Brown?" Cyril folded his arms.
"That's a lot of peanuts," Archer blinked.
The following evening…
"Are you at least going to let me drive for a bit?" Lana asked as she sat in the passenger's seat of a very large truck.
"Negatory Lana!" Archer quipped, wearing his exact 'Smokey and the Bandit' rip-off outfit he wore during the whole Southbound and Down fiasco. Right down to the fake mustache. "We're undercover."
"As what?" Lana groaned. "A bad rip-off of Smokey and the Bandit?"
"That would be Smokey and the Hotwire Gang," Archer told her.
"At least take off the stupid mustache CW McClueless…" Lana groaned.
"Negatory good buddy!" Archer told her.
"Archer I swear if you start singing 'Eastbound and Down' again…" Lana groaned.
"You're just worried about the mission," Archer told her.
"And you aren't?" Lana was stunned. "Of course not. What a stupid question!"
"Lana this will be easy," Archer said. "You and me are at the head of the convoy followed by Pam and Carol…"
Meanwhile in the second truck…
"This is actually fun," Cheryl remarked as she rode in the passenger's seat playing with a phone. "Better than my usual weekend plans. I was just going to stay home and set something on fire."
"Well with any luck you can set someone on fire," Pam remarked as she drove. She wore her black sleeveless 'muscle' outfit.
"You really think so?" Cheryl asked.
"One can always hope," Pam rolled her eyes. "Did you finish posting those pictures to my blog yet?"
"Yeah but you know Ms. Archer and Cyril are going to make you take them down," Cheryl said.
"Doesn't matter," Pam smirked. "I just thought a few pictures of Ms. Archer putting the moves on Martin would get some attention."
"You mean like from Ron?" Cheryl asked. "Who I know follows your blog."
"Exactly," Pam smirked.
"Oh I get it now!" Cheryl giggled. "Wait…What's the plan again?"
"For Ron to see the pictures, get super jealous. Storm out of Ms. Archer's life once and for all and then turn to us for comfort," Pam explained.
"So we can what? Use him as a sugar daddy?" Cheryl asked.
"Eh that's a little far-fetched," Pam shrugged. "I was going for a nice dinner and some partying. We'll see where it goes from there. The main thing is to get Ms. Archer in trouble."
"It's nice to have priorities in life," Cheryl grinned.
"Yeah," Pam sighed. "My next one is to get better friends."
Back to Archer and Lana…
"And after them is Ray, Cyril and Krieger…" Archer added.
Meanwhile in the third truck…
"I don't know why I had to ride with you two!" Cyril pouted. He was sitting in the back bed area with Krieger and Ray up front. "I also don't know why I'm not in the front seat! Or driving the truck!"
"Because you drive like a pussy," Ray snorted as he drove. He wore black as well.
"And I'm needed to monitor the new radios I installed," Krieger said. "They're basically a more powerful CB radio and you don't have to hold the little button when you talk."
"You're just lucky these rigs are big enough to have a bunk bed in them," Ray said. "You can take a nap if you want."
"You'd just love that wouldn't you?" Cyril snapped. "See if I fall asleep, you guys can just rack up all those hours for your certification! And then you get your license faster and then it's just a hop skip and a jump to take over my office!"
"Uh…" Krieger blinked.
"You think I don't know that you guys are always trying to screw me out of a dollar?" Cyril snapped. "I was there when you did it to Ms. Archer! And now you're trying to screw me!"
"Figuratively or literally?" Krieger asked.
"BOTH! EITHER!" Cyril shouted. "What does it matter?"
"Kind of does for Ray," Krieger pointed out.
"You're all against me…" Cyril had a wild look in his eye. "Especially Archer! Typical! I work my entire life for something and he just has to swoop in and take it! Well not now! Not this time!"
"Guess the pistachios we're carrying aren't the only nuts in this truck," Ray remarked.
"One good thing about being paranoid," Krieger pointed out. "At least you think people are paying attention to you."
"Archer wants my agency. He wants to take my agency," Cyril started getting very weird. "My precious agency. My precious…He wants my precious! Archer betrayed us! Wicked! Tricksy! False! We ought to ring his filthy little neck! Kill him! Kill him! Then we be the master! HA HA HA HA!"
"Cyril," Ray said hesitantly. "Are you on any new kind of medication we should know about?"
"And if you're not I can get you some!" Krieger added.
Cyril was about to say something but then stopped. "What kind of drugs are we talking about?"
"I really need to find some new friends," Ray rolled his eyes.
Back to Archer and Lana…
"And predictably bringing up the rear is Mother and her latest boy toy Mr. Mason in the limo," Archer rolled his eyes.
Guess where this next segment is headed?
"You know you really didn't need to ride with me, Mrs. Archer," Mr. Mason said.
"Oh please, call me Mallory," Mallory purred as she slunk up next to him. "And I think this is a wonderful opportunity to get to know each other better."
"Uh…" Mr. Mason looked uncomfortable. "You know you really should put your seat belt on! Safety first I always say!"
"Oh I feel so safe with you right now," Mallory grinned like a wolf about to eat her next meal. "How about your driver rolls up that window so we can have some privacy?"
"Uh he can't! It's broken!" Mr. Mason said.
"No it's not," The driver of the limo remarked.
"Yes it is Ernesto!" Mr. Mason snapped.
"I'm sure I can get it to work," Ernesto remarked casually.
"You do and you're fired!" Mr. Mason snapped. "The window is broken! Doesn't go up so…"
"Oh that's all right," Mallory grinned. "I don't mind if he watches."
"Oh this is going to be good," Ernesto chuckled.
"Maybe I will get lucky and some criminals will try to hijack the trucks?" Mr. Mason groaned.
Back to Archer and Lana…
"All we have to do is drive these trucks and if for some reason those idiot crooks do try to stop us we'll just blow them away!" Archer grinned.
"Well this plan isn't exactly blowing me away," Lana sighed. "But for at least thirty grand I can tolerate it."
"Speaking of which we'd better call the others," Archer activated the radio. "Breaker, breaker this is Spy Guy calling convoy! What's your 160? Over!"
"First of all I'm pretty sure that's the wrong slang to ask where we are," Pam was heard.
"And second of all when did we get assigned codenames?" Ray asked.
"Ooh! If we have codenames I want to be Cashmere Storm!" Cyril spoke up.
"Nice!" Krieger said. "I want to be Dr. Danger!"
"I get to be Heart Throb," Ray spoke up.
"Lame!" Archer groaned.
"Who are you calling lame, Duchess?" Pam mocked.
"Pam!" Archer barked as the others laughed.
"I'm Blond Double D!" Pam spoke up.
"That does fit you," Cyril admitted.
"Okay where's Mother?" Archer asked. "Can she not bother to answer?"
"She doesn't have a radio," Krieger said.
"What? Why?" Archer barked.
"She didn't want her alone time with Mr. Mason to be disrupted remember?" Pam told him.
"Typical," Archer groaned.
"Who am I again?" Cheryl asked.
"You are the assholes who are supposed to keep an eye out for criminals! Over and out!" Archer shouted. "Can you believe those idiots?"
"Said the Head Idiot," Lana remarked.
"Okay so we're all set," Archer said. "All we have to do is drive and wait."
"So while we're waiting…" Lana sighed. "Archer we need to talk."
"How about we sing instead?" Archer asked. "Oh we've got a mighty convoy, rocking through the night!"
"Archer no!" Lana barked. "This is serious! Really serious! It's about us!"
"Oh God do we have to do the 'Let's Talk About Where Our Relationship Is Going' talk now?" Archer snapped.
"Yes we do!" Lana snapped. "Since you've deliberately refused to take our relationship seriously ever since…"
"What do you mean I've refused to take our relationship seriously?" Archer barked. "Where do you get that?"
"Uh for starters you flirting with Veronica Deane right in front of me! TWICE!" Lana barked.
"The first time doesn't count since it was an impostor," Archer protested.
"You didn't know that," Lana barked. "And neither did your penis since we could all hear your erection from across the street!"
"God! What is it with you and your irrational jealousy?" Archer snapped.
"You really don't see a connection between your shameless desperate flirting and my jealousy?" Lana barked. "Seriously?"
"You are making too much out of this," Archer said.
"I don't think so," Lana folded her arms. "Archer where do you see us in five years?"
"Probably still having this stupid argument."
"It is not a stupid argument!" Lana snapped.
"Why do you always have to overthink everything? We're fine!" Archer waved.
"No, we're not!" Lana snapped. "We are not fine!"
"Yes we are!"
"No, we're not! If we were fine you wouldn't have made me sneak around behind your mother's back for over half a year!" Lana snapped.
"You weren't exactly complaining that much about it if I recall!" Archer snapped.
"If we were fine you wouldn't be constantly flirting with other women when you know how much that annoys me!" Lana snapped. "And I get that you love pushing my buttons but the whole playboy act is getting old! And you're getting too old for it!"
"What the hell does that mean?" Archer shouted as he swerved along the road for a moment.
"It means Archer maybe it's time you grew up a little bit and stop acting like your dick is God's gift to women!" Lana snapped. "Especially old women who have no interest in you!"
"Wow you are so threatened by any beautiful woman aren't you?" Archer snapped. "What do you want from me Lana? Yes, Veronica is a beautiful desirable woman. I mean who wouldn't be attracted to her?"
"Oh please! You know why you're attracted to Veronica Deane?" Lana snapped.
"Uh because she's a beautiful talented actress?" Archer rolled his eyes.
"It's because she's a mother fixation for you!" Lana barked.
"ARE YOU DRUNK?" Archer shouted as he nearly swerved off the road.
"Are you?" Lana snapped. "I ask knowing that you're probably half in the bag now?"
"Wow! Wow! I knew you were irrational but this…" Archer snorted.
"Am I? Let's look at the evidence," Lana said. "An older woman who acts like your mother and drinks like your mother. But unlike your mother she actually is nice to you! Granted it was only a few sentences but still more than what your mother has given you in a lifetime! Ergo, you are subconsciously getting the love and attention your horrible mother never gave you as a child!"
"You really believe that?" Archer was shocked.
"If the shoe fits Oedipus!" Lana barked.
"That is not what is going on!"
"That is exactly what is going on!" Lana snapped.
"Well you are the only one who sees it," Archer snorted.
"No, I'm not!" Lana snapped back. "Astronauts can see it from outer space! That's how obvious it is!"
"Well while we are on Mommy issues let's talk about yours," Archer snapped.
"What does that mean?" Lana asked.
"Oh I don't know Lana," Archer snapped. "How about the fact that you stole my sperm from a doctor's office without my permission and impregnated yourself with my sperm…again without my permission!"
"You are still hung up on that?" Lana was stunned.
"Uh yeah Lana," Archer snapped. "When you force parenthood on another person without their consent or any discussion at all, it kind of feeds into your trust issues!"
"Your trust issues?" Lana shouted. "After everything you've done to me, you are talking about your trust issues?"
"Yes!" Archer snapped. "The words 'my body, my choice' don't ring any bells for you Lana?"
"Uh Archer…" Krieger's voice was heard.
Both ignored Krieger. "You deliberately stole my sperm and didn't even think about discussing it with me!" Archer shouted.
"What's the point of discussing it with you?" Lana snapped. "You would have just said no anyway!"
"AH HA!" Archer crowed.
"Uh guys…" Cyril was heard.
"See! You do the exact same things I do!" Archer went on. "You are such a hypocrite!"
"How am I a hypocrite?" Lana shouted.
"Really?" Archer laughed. "You don't see it? Because those same astronauts you were talking about a moment ago can!"
"Cyril what do we do?" Ray's voice was heard.
"Stay with the convoy!" Cyril shouted.
"But they're…" Pam began.
"I know!" Cyril yelled. "Just stay with them!"
"You get mad at me when I do things without discussing them with you," Archer said. "But then you turn around and make a major life choice without even considering discussing it with me! That's how you are a hypocrite!"
"He has a point Lana," Cheryl was heard.
"WHO ASKED YOU CHERYL?" Lana shouted. "Maybe it was a little overkill considering how you gave it away to every bimbo and hooker who spread her legs for you!"
"Oh my God this is about Trinette isn't it?" Archer realized. "You got jealous because Trinette had a baby and you didn't!"
"What do I care if you impregnated a dumb hooker?" Lana shouted.
"Trust me Lana, Trinette is a lot smarter than you think she is!" Archer grumbled. "Admit it! You got baby crazy! That's why you dragged me into parenthood against my will!"
"What are you saying? You never wanted to be a father?" Lana barked.
"Careful Archer it's a trap!" Krieger warned. "Figuratively of course…"
"Obviously I can't say that now!" Archer snapped.
"So I wanted to have a family of my own? Is that a crime?" Lana barked.
"It is when you steal someone else's sperm yes!" Archer shouted.
"Oh like you were so careful with it all these years!" Lana shouted. "Throwing it away on hookers and lady boys and a cyborg bitch with a vibrating vagina!"
"They were genetic females!" Archer snapped. "Probably…"
"HA!" Lana snorted.
"Don't Ha me!" Archer barked. "You can't stand that I'm right! You violated my reproductive rights! My body, my choice!"
"Tell it to the Supreme Court!" Lana barked.
"Maybe I should?" Archer shouted. "You know it's always about the woman and her rights isn't it? But it's never about the guy is it? What about our rights huh Lana?"
"When you grow a uterus I'll take your concerns under advisement," Lana snapped.
"Oh that is so sexist!" Archer snapped.
"You're calling me sexist, you asshole?" Lana barked. "Really? Okay tell me honestly where you see yourself in the next five years!"
"Lana I don't like to plan that far ahead!" Archer barked. "I don't even like to plan my week ahead for that matter."
"Well not all of us can be Peter Pan forever Archer!" Lana snapped. "We have a child to consider! And I have to think about my future! I don't want to spend the rest of my life going from one crazy scheme to the next crazy scheme!"
"Oh God stop using AJ as an excuse!" Archer snapped.
"Well pardon me if I want to be more than your gal Friday on whatever insane movie of the week fantasy you cook up inside your scotch soaked brain!" Lana snapped.
"Oh don't you sound just like my mother!" Archer growled.
"Don't compare me to her," Lana spoke up. "Look Archer I get your mother messed you up big time! That's why you're so scared of whenever I try to take charge of my own life! I will not abandon my daughter like your mother abandoned you! Or like you abandoned our daughter when she was born…"
"I CAME BACK!" Archer shouted. "I was only gone for six weeks! It's not like she remembers!"
"But I remember Archer! I remember!" Lana shouted.
"Interesting," Ray's voice cut in. "Do y'all remember we have a job to do?"
"What? Ray?" Lana blinked.
"First of all," Ray's voice was heard. "Y'all made the wrong turn about seven miles back. Now we're all on the wrong road!"
"What?" Lana did a double take. "Ray have you been listening to us?"
"Yes, because you two are broadcasting on an open frequency!" Ray shouted. "Every trucker or CB enthusiast in the entire state can hear you!"
"Not everyone in the state can hear us!" Archer snapped.
"Actually we kind of can," A man's voice that sounded like John Ratzenberger spoke up. "And I'm not saying Lana's right about stealing your sperm Archer. But maybe you do kind of push it a little?"
Another voice that sounded like Woody Harrelson spoke up. "I have to agree. It sounds to me like Lana was acting out of a desperation and a craving for intimacy she wasn't getting directly from you. Like having a child that was yours would somehow cement or define your attention to her."
"Not to mention actually satisfying what sounds like a very deep need to express her maternal instincts," The first voice spoke up. "And dude, seriously? Running off when your lady just had your kid?"
"One! I came back! Two I had to work!" Archer snapped. "I had to blow up a plane in the jungle in the South Pacific!"
"After you spent six weeks getting drunk and partying with lady boy…" Lana began.
"THEY WERE GENETIC FEMALES!" Archer screamed. "Pretty sure on that…"
"And I'm pretty sure your mother is pitching a fit right now," Lana groaned.
Let's check on the limo shall we?
"NO MEANS NO!" Mr. Mason screamed as he fought to keep Mallory off him.
"Come on!" Mallory groped him.
"I can't I'm…" Mr. Mason gulped. "I'm in a relationship with Ernesto!"
"What?" Mallory snapped.
"Oh now you want to admit it!" Ernesto shouted as he drove. "When was this when you had your chance to tell your mother?"
"Do we have to talk about this now?" Mr. Mason shouted.
"Yes I think this is a good a time as any to talk about our relationship!" Ernesto snapped. "If you can call it that!"
"You're gay?" Mallory snarled.
"Depends on which way the wind blows!" Ernesto snapped. "Or how young and blond some little tarts are!"
"Shut up!" Mr. Mason snapped.
"You shut up!" Ernesto snapped. "I know you're planning on dumping me for not one, but two younger partners! One of each sex!"
"We are not talking about this now!" Mr. Mason shouted.
"Well then when are we going to talk about it because…" Ernesto did a double take. "I think we're on the wrong road."
"Hang on!" Mallory snapped. "When were you going to tell me this?" She glared at Mr. Mason.
"Uh never because I was never interested in you!" Mr. Mason shouted. "I'm sorry but you're just too old!"
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Mallory yelled.
"And quite frankly that desperate act of yours is very unattractive!" Mr. Mason snapped.
That was when Mallory screamed and started wailing on him. "YOU BASTARD!"
"OW! OW! OW!" Mr. Mason screamed as he was being beaten.
"GET HIM LADY! GET HIM!" Ernesto yelled. "KICK HIS LYING CHEATING ASS!"
"WITH PLEASURE!" Mallory shouted.
Meanwhile back in the truck driven by Ray…
"Is it just me or is the limo behind us starting to swerve?" Ray said as he took a glance in the rearview mirror.
"Shut up!" Cyril said. "I want to hear this!"
"Now does he have a strained relationship with his parents?" The Woody voice asked.
"Archer never knew his father and his mother is a bitch on wheels," Lana grumbled.
"Lana!" Archer barked. "I know it's true but you don't have to tell them that!"
"She's also a huge lush!" Cheryl spoke up. "And so is Archer!"
"Carol shut up!" Archer shouted.
"No surprise there," A third voice spoke up. "Alcoholism and dysfunctional relationships go like stale peanut butter and rancid jelly."
"Norm!" The two truckers chimed in.
"Evening everybody!" Norm said. "I couldn't help noticing that Archer seems to have a pattern in his life. You seem to prefer strong women who are controlling so you feel that you are justified at rebelling against them."
"Hey!" Lana barked. "I am not controlling!"
"Who are you kidding Ms. Lecture A Lot?" Cheryl shouted.
"Shut up Cheryl!" Lana barked.
"You know she emasculated Cyril a lot too," Cheryl added.
"Who's Cyril?" The John voice asked.
"Lana's boyfriend between times she was with Archer," Pam said. "Say hello Cyril!"
"Hello…" Cyril said weakly.
"Lana had him whipped like a dog until he started cheating on her with me and pretty much anyone else who would let them touch him!" Cheryl added.
"Interesting…" Norm added.
"I have a sex addiction problem!" Cyril shouted.
"Not a real thing asshole!" Lana shouted.
"Actually Lana it is a real thing," Woody spoke up. "And no offense it sounds like you have a bit of a problem there too…"
"WHAT?" Lana shouted.
"YES!" Cyril shouted. "Thank you!"
"And now we're almost twelve miles off course," Ray groaned. "But who cares as long as the gossip is good?"
"Nobody but Cyril has sex addiction problem!" Archer snapped. "Okay possibly Pam but even then…"
"Are you kidding me?" Cyril shouted. "You're not only a sex addict, you're a freaking carrier! You're the Typhoid Mary of sex addiction!"
"Not a surprise given from what I'm hearing about Archer's mother," Norm spoke up. "I'm guessing she withheld affection from him?"
"She's a cold calculating bitch who dumped him on a heroin shooting butler to raise him when he wasn't at boarding schools during most of his childhood," Lana admitted. "What do you think?"
"Lana!" Archer barked.
"Well it's true!" Lana snapped.
"I didn't say it wasn't!" Archer snapped. "I just don't want you to tell people that!"
"Why not?" Pam offered. "You say it to anyone who will listen!"
"And he runs after everything in a skirt am I right?" Norm asked.
"Sounds like classic mother issues to me," Woody remarked.
"What is this? The Trucker Psychology Hour?" Archer shouted.
"Actually Norm and I got our psychology degrees at the same university," Woody spoke up. "But we couldn't get any jobs so we turned to trucking."
"Wow," Archer remarked. "I've heard about the job market filled with people who had to take jobs they are overqualified for but I had no idea the problem was that bad!"
"Tell me about it," Norm groaned. "I have a cousin that has two PHD's and she has to work at Starbucks! And she's one of the lucky ones because she gets health insurance!"
"Well Lana and I and a few others used to be spies," Archer spoke up. "You'd think that would qualify us for a PI license right? Nooooo!"
"Really?" John spoke up. "Not even with a recommendation from the government?"
"Uh we were kind of disavowed," Archer admitted. "And it turns out our agency wasn't exactly legal for several years so…"
"There's your problem right there," John said. "Who ran your agency?"
"His mother," Lana told him.
"Wow…Calling Dr. Freud line one!" John remarked.
"Hey y'all," Ray spoke up. "I'd hate to break up this fascinating conversation but we all got trouble!"
"What now?" Archer grumbled. Then he saw some cars containing men with guns pull up on his left side. "Oh…That…"
"Pull over!" Someone shouting into a bullhorn shouted at him.
"Uh let me think about that…" Archer remarked before turning his truck hard and knocking the car off the road. "Uh nope. Not going to happen."
"Holy Shell-Snacks!" Pam shouted as the sound of helicopters buzzing over them was heard. "They called in the Air Force!"
Wait…Since when do criminals have access to helicopters?" Lana realized.
"Uh they're criminals Lana!" Archer snapped. "They steal them!"
"Do they also steal a blockade of police cars?" Lana pointed.
"What?" Archer did a double take and saw a huge blockade of police cars. "Oh boy…"
He managed to stop the truck just before the police blockade. "Wow…That could have been a big…" Archer blew out a breath.
Just then Pam's truck slammed into his. Then Ray's truck slammed into Pam's. Then the limo smashed into the huge pile of nuts that were pouring out of the back of all the trucks.
SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
"Accident…" Archer winced.
"Aw nuts…" Ray grumbled as thousands of pounds of nuts poured out of all the trucks.
"DAMN IT!" Archer shouted. "I WANTED TO SAY THAT!"
Not long after the members of the Figgis Agency were talking to some people on the side of the road. "It's a miracle none of you idiots killed anyone!" A police officer grumbled.
"So Agent Donahue you guys are FBI working with the police on the illegal nut running operation?" Lana asked a tall African-American man who looked and sounded like Andre Brauger.
"It's a multi-million dollar operation. Of course the FBI would be on it!" Donahue snapped. "And you idiots not only nearly ruined our sting, you nearly killed some of our agents!"
"Sorry but we thought you were the nut thieves trying to hijack the shipment," Archer told him.
"You should have said you were the FBI before you ordered us to pull over!" Lana barked.
"In hindsight, that should have been done yes," Donahue admitted. "However that doesn't excuse the mess you idiots made!" He pointed to the nuts spilled all over the road.
"Yeah Lana! Oh wait…" Archer realized.
"We would have stopped you at the toll booth but you idiots went down the wrong road!" Donahue snapped. "Do you have any idea how hard it was for us to find you? Even with you people broadcasting your location all over the state!"
"I said sorry!" Archer snapped. "But we thought you guys were the nut thieves."
"You thought we were the nut thieves? That's a laugh!" Donahue snorted.
"Well yeah kind of," Archer chuckled.
Donahue continued. "Especially considering you were working for Mark Martin AKA Martin Martinez AKA Mario Menzetti of the Menzetti family!"
"What?" The agency's members gasped.
"Wait so we were hired by the thieves?" Lana was stunned.
"We were working for the Nut Mob?" Pam gasped.
"It's a common practice," Donahue explained. "The crooks steal the trucks and then go to a fake storage facility to switch the plates and change the color of the truck. Then they hire people to drive the shipment with more muscle than brains. So if anything goes wrong the idiots take the fall. Lucky for us you people were so incompetent that not only were we easily able to figure out what was going on, we identified the real criminals and got evidence."
"How?" Cyril asked.
"This one posted everything on her blog," Donahue pointed to Pam. "Including pictures. And you two screaming at each other like banshees about everything all over the state made it pretty clear that you two weren't exactly the brains behind the operation."
"Not to mention your driving skills aren't exactly the best," Another FBI agent grumbled.
"And the driver is singing like a nuthatch," Donahue smirked. "Get the pun?"
"This is all your fault!" Ernesto shouted as he was taken away in handcuffs. "I told you not to go to these people but nooooooooooooooooooooo! Well this is why I am breaking up with you!"
"I should have dumped you years ago!" Menzetti shouted as he was also taken away.
He saw Mallory. "AAAH! I'll talk! I'll talk! Just keep her away from me! AAAHH!"
"You don't know what you're missing you fruit basket!" Mallory shouted.
"You people are lucky we're not charging you with anything!" Donahue snapped. "I mean we could get you for resisting arrest, reckless driving and sexual assault alone! But considering the circumstances and how we were able to get the head of the operation, we're just going to let you clowns off with a warning."
"He came onto me!" Mallory protested.
"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurreee he did," Cheryl rolled her eyes.
"Well how were we supposed to know they were the criminals?" Archer protested.
"You would have known it was fake if you had run a cross check of license plates with the registry," Donahue remarked. "Not to mention Menzetti has been Number Five on California's most wanted list for the past two years!"
"His picture is plastered all over every post office and federal building in the state," Another cop said. "Plus he was just featured on California's Most Wanted two weeks ago!"
"That's a show?" Archer blinked.
"Again even though there is plenty of evidence we could throw at you, I'm going to let you people go," Donahue snapped. "I have enough to do with this case without you maniacs messing it up even more than you already have!"
"Yeah we're kind of on a budget with this case and prosecuting you would cost more than its worth," The first FBI agent admitted.
"Hooray for budget cuts," Cyril groaned.
"So wait do we get paid or what?" Archer asked.
"You're kidding right?" Donahue groaned.
"Archer we're not getting paid," Lana sighed.
"Or any hours accredited towards your PI licenses!" Cyril groaned.
"What? Why?" Archer gasped.
"You want to know why being an unwitting participant in a major theft and nearly screwing up an entire FBI sting operation doesn't qualify you for being a private investigator?" Cyril asked.
"Yes!" Archer snapped.
Donahue rolled his eyes. "Uh maybe it's for the best most of you people don't have a private detective license?"
"You might want to consider changing careers," Another FBI agent said.
"We have," Pam spoke up. "At least three times!"
"Pam shut up," Archer glared at her.
"We used to be spies until we were shut down and blacklisted twice!" Pam went on. "One time it was fake so we could sell drugs."
"What?" Donahue did a double take.
"Pharmaceuticals," Mallory said quickly. "We were sales reps for a while."
"Some sales reps. Pam either ate all the drugs, we gave a lot away to the Yakuza and biker gangs and the rest Krieger blew up when he made that stupid submarine!" Cheryl giggled.
"She's not exactly in her right mind," Mallory added. "Pay no attention to her. She doesn't know what she's saying."
"That I believe," Donahue blinked. "You might want to consider getting those two some kind of help. You know? Mentally?"
"Oh they're going to get it all right," Mallory growled.
"And you two might want to consider going to couple's counseling," Donahue pointed to Lana and Archer. "Or some kind of counseling because you two are really messed up."
"Really messed up," A police officer spoke up. "Seriously I have been on domestic disturbance calls that weren't as crazy as how you two were acting."
"How did you know what we were saying?" Archer asked.
"Because you were broadcasting loud and clear on every kind of CB and radio frequency in this state and half of Nevada!" The police officer snapped.
"I might have overdone it with the power on those radios," Krieger admitted.
"You think?" Lana glared at him.
Donovan looked at Cyril. "You might want to change careers because quite frankly I don't think you're cut out to run a real detective agency. Or whatever else this is."
"Hey!" Cyril snapped.
"Ha!" Mallory snorted.
"You are way too old for this and should think about cutting down on the hootch," Donovan pointed to Mallory. "I can smell your breath from here. And not act so desperate for sex."
"WHAT?" Mallory snapped.
"Ha!" Cyril snorted.
"And the rest of you…Get help," Donovan sighed. "In fact all of you should get some serious help."
"Well we could use a ride back to our agency," Archer admitted.
"And isn't there some kind of reward for helping you catch these international criminals?" Mallory spoke up.
Donahue did a double take. "Did I or did I not just say that not being charged with anything…including the sexual assault you were trying to perpetrate would be enough?"
"Were you talking before?" Cheryl spoke up. "I forgot. I was listening for ostriches."
Everyone looked at Cheryl. "Sometimes I hear ostriches sneaking about when I'm out in the open," She explained.
"Starting to see why you people were picked for this," Donahue groaned. "You have so much in common with the cargo."
"Oh ha, ha, ha…" Archer said dryly. "So how are we going to get back to the city?"
Not long afterwards…
"Once again we're stranded in the middle of nowhere," Cyril grumbled as the Figgis Agency walked back on the side of the road. "I'm starting to see a pattern in my life."
"At least I'm not dying in a wheelbarrow this time," Ray shrugged. "For me this is a step up."
"I must hand it to you Sterling," Mallory growled. "Your career as a private detective is certainly different from your career as a spy! Oh wait…IT ISN'T!"
"Well it's not like we can call a cab! There's no bars out here for some weird reason!" Archer barked.
"Look Agent Donahue said there's a small town not even five miles from here," Lana sighed as they walked. "Once we get there we can call for a car to pick us up."
"There's never an ostrich around when you need one," Cheryl grumbled. "We could ride them to the town!"
"Yeah, that would be great!" Ray said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.
"You know I have to admit something," Archer sighed. "This private eye thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be."
"YOU THINK?" Lana snapped.
"There's the tone…" Archer rolled his eyes. "Not helping Lana!"
"You know what's not helping Archer?" Lana barked. "The fact that you're constantly screwing around! Once again we're out on our asses with nothing to show for it!"
"Actually we do have something!" Pam said as she rummaged through her pockets. "I managed to sneak some nuts for the road! Anyone want one?"
"Well you are what you eat…" Ray quipped.
"I hate you idiots so much…" Mallory's eye twitched.
"Because we drive you nuts!" Cheryl spoke up. "Get it? Nuts? He he…"
"If I ever do crack it will be a good defense at my murder trial," Mallory grumbled.