Disclaimer: Batman, his worlds and their contents and charaters don't belong to me.

Warning: This story contains slash (duh) and occasional swearing

A/N: This is a comedy story I wrote a while back. It's silly and crack-ish but the good people over on DeviantArt liked it so here it is! Enjoy.


Harvey Needs a Man

Chapter one

The Joker grunted as he was shoved unceremoniously back into his cell by the burly Arkham guard. He almost fell because of the damn straight jacket restricting his movements. After hearing the doors shut and lock behind him he caught sight of his cell mate Jonathan "Scarecrow" Crane, who was currently sitting on his bed (they had bunk beds and the Joker had the top bunk of course. The Joker is always on top) reading a copy of today's Gotham Times. And pointedly ignoring him of course.

"Miss me Scary?" The Joker grinned, wincing as the new cut on his already scarred face gave a painful twinge. Scary gave no response so the Joker padded over to him, sat next to him on the bed, shifting right beside him and leant on him.

"Get off!" Scary protested, finally looking up from his paper and shoving the Joker away. The Joker laughed from his new position of face down on Scary's bed.

"Yuh gonuh helf muh outuv thif struhght juhket?" he spoke through a mouthful of sheets. He heard Scary sigh and the rustle of his paper being placed aside. As Scary pulled him up and began pulling at the straps of the straight jacket he asked,

"So is this the third or fourth time that Dent has sent you to the infirmary this month?"

"Possibly the fifth. I just don't know why Harvey is so mad at me,"

"You did kill his fiancée,"

"That girl? Jennifer, no, Riley?"

"You and I both know she was called Rachael. You pretend to forget to piss off Dent and then he hits you,"

"I don't! She's just amazingly forgettable,"

"Try telling that to Dent," Scary gave a final tug and the jacket became loose. The Joker stretched and readjusted his sitting place so he was uncomfortably close to Scary. Before Scary could protest he leaned over him and grabbed the copy of the Gotham Times that Scary had found so riveting. The front page had a large headline reading "RIDDLER CAUGHT" above a picture of Gotham covered in bright green question marks. The Joker quickly scanned the article, computers, security systems, master criminal called the Riddler...

"Who's this guy?" Scary just gave him a dry look as he shifted away.

"His name is all over the paper,"

"I know that," Joker growled "But who is he?" Scary sighed, used to the Joker's aggressive behaviour.

"He terrorised Gotham by destroying and taking over security systems and computers. He goes by 'the Riddler' and uses question marks as an insignia. He was finally caught by the bat yesterday. According to certain loud mouthed Arkham staff the bat was rather violent in his apprehension," The Joker perked up at the mention of violence "Did you not see him in the infirmary?" The Joker thought back to his little stay in the bed filled, off-white room.

"There was a corner curtained off and a lot more docs mumbling around than normal,"

"That'll be him then. Can I have my paper back?" The Joker dumped the paper in Scary's lap, stood up and paced the room. What had he been thinking about before all this Riddler business? Ah yes, his old pal Harv and his dead squeeze...

"Scary?" The Joker paused in his pacing to address his fellow criminal.

"Don't call me that," Scary didn't look up from his paper but he had just proved that he was listening.

"How can I stop Harvey from hitting me?" The Joker ignored Scary's request and continued with his train of thought.

"You could stop inciting him,"

"I don't incite him!"

"Really? I think yelling at him 'That girl of yours would have loved this place', 'Doesn't that nurse look like your dead squeeze?' or, my personal favourite, 'Your girl... Hailey? Yeah now she was a looker. Especially with a bat in her arms' counts as inciting him,"

"I can't help it, he looks so angry. Well half of him does. I just want to cheer him up with some good natured jokes," Scary snorted "Any other ideas?"

"You could get him a new girl, though how you find someone mad enough when we have separate gender wards is beyond me," The Joker broke into a wide grin. That was a great idea! He ran up to Scary, grabbed him and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek. "Argh! What the hell?"

"That idea is perfect!"

"Get off!"

"We'll find Harvey another squeeze!"

"Why am I involved in this?"

"It was your idea, anyway, don't you want to see Harvey happy? And more importantly, don't you want him to stop hitting me?"

"If you never do that again and never speak of it to anyone I'll help you,"

"Even the bat?"

"Especially the bat,"

"Fine. First we need to work out who Harvey would like..."

"Get off me," The Joker let go of Scary, who immediately wiped his cheek and grimaced. "There are a lot of nurses and females doctors..."

"Who said anything about females?" Scary looked at him with confusion and slight amusement etched in his features.

"You think Dent is bisexual?"

"He is Two Face,"


A/N: Short chapters are fun :D I can update quickly because I actually have all of this story written so expect an update soon (touch wood...oo-er). Hope you enjoyed, please review.