I GUESSE WE'LL NEVER KNOW…

I GUESSE WE'LL NEVER KNOW…. A COLLECTION OF XANDERS THOUGHTS

Hi, this is what I think Xander is really thinking. I do not own anyone from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and do not make any money out of this (wa wa)

I'm so sick of standing behind this bar. I try to concentrate on serving drinks, but my mind always wanders, y'know? I keep thinking how all the gang's doing something. And how I'm not. I'm not saying I've got bigger problems than everyone else. Believe me Buffy and Willow have had their fair share of heart ache. That's another thing, everyone thinks I'm so selfish. Maybe it's because I don't like showing people how much I ….. care about them. I start of saying it and just trail of into a joke or something. That's me, the joker, the idiot, the class clown (How could they give that award to someone else. It was made for me!!!) Anyway, now I'm gonna concentrate on making my two favourite girls happy; Willow and the Buffster.

But not Cordeilia. Man, that relationship was strange. I don't think I was in love with her, but………….it's….all….so….confusing. Anyway, she's happy now. She's got over her family's money problems and gone to LA. I often think about writing or calling. But then I always give myself an excuse not to, Buffy might want to talk or the boss said that if I don't do the dishes again I'm fired. But I really don't know.

And then there's Buffy. The unattainable one. Not only unattainable because she'd never look at me twice, but because there was always someone else. Someone 100 times better, more attractive and more sensitive than me. Mostly more attractive. First it was Angel. Oh, how sick am I of hearing his name? Buffy worships the ground he walks on, or has walked on, or walked on 150 years ago when he was evil and would have killed her if he even laid eyes on her. Interesting. And she knew how much I adored her. She didn't care. I saved her life that night after she rejected me. She still knows as well, and that's what makes me wonder sometimes, that maybe she's just playing a game with me. Let's all watch Xander try and pathetically get the girl, lets all laugh at him; who cares, he's got no feelings? I can almost feel that's what she's thinking. But I do have feelings. Oh, so because I don't broadcast them around means I don't have them? I never, ever say what I feel. It's safer.

I feel sorry for willow. Now Oz has gone she must feel as empty as I do. I'm staring at her now from across the room, I love her. Be quiet, my logical mind says, no you don't Xander. But I do. Every time I look at her it's like my heart is being stretched out to trice its normal size. Willow is my best friend. I know all her secrets, she knows some of mine. We played together when we were little kids and I can't remember a time without her. I want to kiss her. Make her be alright again. Let her know I love her. It could have worked last time, it could! But there was Oz, Cordeilia and it just wasn't the right time. But it might still have worked.

I guess we'll never know………..

Okay, so it's awful and soppy, but I think Xander is SO unappreciated. Please review.