A Visit To Gryffindor Tower:

A Visit To Gryffindor Tower:

An Exercise in Insanity

By lone astronomer

Summary: Everyone's favorite Seekers have a little talk with my muse, discuss fanfiction, and generally have a good time.

WARNING: More (plot-)holes than a piece of Swiss cheese.

Disclaimer: Everyone is J. K. Rowling's except for Janine and Mary Sue.

IMPORTANT: This is not meant to be offensive to anyone; I am making fun of everything in this fic and it's all exaggerated. Most of the scenarios mentioned are well-written and a good read anyway. Like I said, this is not meant to be a slam against anyone. It is just meant as speculation as to how Harry and Draco might react if they knew what people write about them. Ta ta… ~ l. a.

It began with a simple key, one that could unlock no doors but lock many caps. In fact, that very key began a great many more things, none of which I shall bother to ramble on about in such a tiny kilobyte allotment. 'It' could be explained quite simply by three people, all of which can be found at Hogwarts. Therefore, this is where I shall bring you, through the plot-hole, to the center of many fanfiction worlds: the Gryffindor Tower.

Even as we sat there, interviewee number one was making his way towards us. His footsteps could be heard outside the portrait hole and he whispered the password, although, as a Slytherin, he really shouldn't have known it. Another use for the plot-hole.

"Potter?" he said into the darkness. He didn't know we were there; there was no need to whisper.

The Gryffindor Seeker appeared out of the shadows as if by magic, which it probably was. "Hello, Malfoy," Harry answered, rubbing sleep from emerald eyes. "Have a seat."

Draco did, letting out a sigh as he did so. "How come Gryffindor gets all the comfy chairs?"

Harry shrugged. "I dunno."

Draco, sensing that the author was far too lazy to write a dialogue of smalltalk between two bitter mortal enemies, conveniently got straight to the point. "The reason you brought me here wasn't to talk about furniture, was it?"

Harry shook his head gravely. "Not really. Let's cut the bullshit straight to the chase, Draco. When was the last time you fell in love with Hermione?"

Draco checked his ordinary, Muggle watch. "Two hours, fifteen minutes ago. You?"

Harry grinned, an insincere expression. "I've got you beat. One hour, eleven seconds."

Draco grimaced. "Ouch. Is it that bad?"

Harry covered his face with his hands. "In the last hour, I've had sex twelve times: three with Hermione, twice with Ginny, once each with you and Ron, and five times with a girl I don't know who is either your twin sister or Voldemort's daughter."

Draco blinked. "Go back to the part where you listed the people you had sex with again?"

Harry smiled humorlessly. "It's true. Oh, did I forget to mention Snape?"

Draco spit out his champagne, which had come straight out of a very generous plot hole, as there is no wine cellar in the Gryffindor Tower. "Snape? Ew. That's just immoral."

"You'd know," Harry answered absently. "According to this," he held up a sheet of diagnostic info straight from the plot-hole, "you've slept with him twice."

Now the champagne glass hit the floor. "I what?! Where are you getting all this from?"

A voice filled their ears, and we in the shadows cowered in fear. "I think I can help answer that," it said slowly.

Draco and Harry looked around. "Where's that coming from?" Draco asked.

Harry gave him Hermione's know-it-all look. "From the plot-hole, of course!"

Draco looked up just in time to see a tall, thin, laid-back brunette step from the abyss. She was dressed totally in leather like someone straight out of The Matrix, and carried a small briefcase. "Who are you?"

She grinned evilly and we in the shadows made little crosses with our fingers and shrank back. "A muse, my dear, simply a muse." The smile disappeared and she was suddenly all business. "You can call me Janine."

Harry looked at her a moment. "Slytherin, right?" he finally asked.

A single nod confirmed his suspicions.

"Figures they'd send a whacked-out evil muse to answer my questions," Harry grumbled.

Janine looked mildly offended. "Who said I was whacked-out?" She corrected herself, "I mean, evil?"

Harry shrugged, as if the answer were totally obvious. "Slytherin, remember?"

"Shut up, Potter."

"Ladies first, Malfoy," Harry answered automatically. "Anyway, Janine, can you show Draco what I'm talking about?"

Janine nodded, unzipping her briefcase. She slid out a long, inch-and-a-half thick box and her wand, then muttered a few spells.

"What's that?" Draco asked.

Janine looked up over the wire rims of her glasses. "My host's father's laptop, of course."

"Oh." Draco said.

"Just nod and act like you understand," Harry advised. "You'll get the gist of it in a minute."

Draco watched as the screen on the little computer lit up and changed colors. "I thought Muggle electrical equipment didn't work on Hogwarts grounds," he said, even more confused.

Janine just gave him another elusive smile and secured another wire through the gaping, formless void. "That's what the plot-hole is here for, silly."

"Oh, right," Draco said, even though he had no idea what she was doing."

"So where are we going to today, Harry?" Janine asked, typing in various URLs and scanning through her egroups memberships.

"Let's start at the beginning," Harry said solemnly. "Take him to fanfiction.net."

Janine hissed, looking frightened. "Are you sure you want to do that, Harry? On his first visit? With all the-"

"Just do it," Harry said. "Ask questions later."

"Okay," Janine said doubtfully, holding out the mouse. "Everyone grab hold. We'll be transported in about-"

No sooner than Draco and Harry had placed their hands atop hers, they felt pulling sensations behind their navels. I hate travelling by Port Rodent, Draco thought darkly. Evil, evil things, they are.

They came out in the laptop screen, two-dimensional cartoons that looked like they had been drawn by an extremely creative and obsessed teenager. "Hey," Draco asked, examining his hands and clothing, "What's with the leather?"

Harry sighed, running his fingers back through very gelled hair. "Better not to ask. Where are we, anyway, Janine?"

Janine took out her map and pointed out a particular area. "The Harry Potter section."

"No fair," Draco said. "You're a whiny scar-head and there's a section named after you?"

Harry snorted. "You can have it if you want it. Check out what's there."

Draco looked around, suddenly aghast. Leading out from him were six different pathways, each labeled with its own roadsign. "General," he read. "Horror, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Humor, and-" his eyes bulged. "What is that?!"

Harry shook his head. "Romance section. Best not to venture over there."

"I'll take your word for it," Draco said. "What are those?" He pointed to the thick books hanging from every sign.

"Directories," Janine answered, picking one up. "A complete list of everyone in that section and where they are living." She flipped it open to the first page. "In the General section, for example," she said, "there are three different subdivisions. Mary-Sue-Cul-de-sac, Voldemort's Plan-Land, and Prongston."

"That sounds evil," Draco said. Still, his mind rested on the grossly mutated Romance section. "But what happened over there?" he asked, pointing down the path.

Harry shuddered. "It's a long story. Like I said, better not to ask."

Draco, not to be deterred by a whiny scar-head, picked up the directory and almost fainted. Mary-Sue-ville, Draco's Twin Sister, Self-Insertion Village, Tragic MWPP Flings, … the list went on and on. "Malfoy Lovers Anonymous?" Draco whispered, looking to Janine for clarification.

Janine nodded sagely. "I think it's time we showed him…" she said to Harry.

Harry bit his lip and swallowed hard. "Okay…"

At an encouraging glance from Janine, Harry and Draco followed her up a column of letters, trying not to read them for fear of what might happen. Finally, they reached the top. Janine took out her pen and scribbled into the URL address form, and suddenly the Harry Potter section of fanfiction.net was far behind them.

"Where are we?" Draco asked, looking around.

"Egroups.com," Janine answered, climbing back down again and jumping on a button that said, 'Files.' "This is a part of the 'web where you're quite popular, you two. I advise caution if you ever explore it on your own. Your egos might inflate considerably."

Harry took a deep breath. "Where to first?"

"Just a few chapters of a story or two," Janine said elusively, picking a random chapter and dragging them in with her.

Draco's mouth dropped open when he saw the scene. "Cool sword!" he said, eyes wide. Then, "Wait a minute. I'm wearing twenty pounds of leather. Why am I always wearing leather? Someone explain, please."

Janine gave him a look. "Of course you're wearing leather," she said. "You're almost as dead sexy as Sirius."

Draco's silver eyes widened. "Pardon me?"

She shrugged. "Well, you are…"

Malfoy definitely didn't like the look she was giving him. It made him feel like she was undressing him mentally. Yuck. She's a muse, for Christ's sake!

Harry broke in. "What's that about my godfather being dead sexy?"

Janine smacked herself on the forehead. "That's right, I almost forgot. Character sketches!"

Harry and Draco exchanged glances. "What?"

She shook her head. "Just follow me."

A few minutes later, they were both considerably awed. "That's Ron's sister?" Harry breathed, eyes wide. "Good God…"

"And here I thought a character sketch was just a rough outline of a character's personality," Draco said, looking like a kid in a candy shop. "I'll never make fun of Hermione's hair again, Harry…"

"Hey," Harry said, gesturing to an incredibly handsome cartoon guy in a leather jacket. "Who's that?"

"Who do you expect?" Janine laughed. "It's Draco, of course."

Draco's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "I am a sexy god," he breathed. "If I were female, I'd want me, too."

Harry covered his face with his hands. "Why am I beginning to think that this was a very bad idea?"

"Anyway," Janine said, "it's time to get back. You guys have Defense Against the Dark Arts tomorrow- I hear Professor Lupin's back."

Harry nodded. "About time, t- Wait a second. How would you know about that?"

Janine grinned. "I have my sources…"

Harry got a sudden mental image of Janine's briefcase, Muggle photographs and hand-drawn sketches of the professor plastered all over it. "Oh, no… you're one of… them."

Draco took a step back, pulling Harry in front of him for protection. "We have to get out of here, Potter…"

"I don't know the way back," Harry confessed. "I think we're stuck…"

The last thing Draco remembered before he passed out was Janine coming towards him, fountain-pen-slash-wand in hand.

THE END…?