While most could agree it really sucked Voldemort won and Harry was dead, even the Death Eaters started getting more bored than anything else as their leader's victory speech went on and on. After not sleeping for a full 24 hours, no one wanted this.
"Hogwarts will still be open, but this time there will be only one house. Which one, you ask? Well, that's not too difficult. Knowing me and how I roll, it should be obvious that I would go with… drumroll please." All the Death Eaters half-heartedly drummed their hands on their legs. "Ravenclaw!"
Silence.
No one quite knew how to respond to that. "Um, sir?" Lucius said. "Don't you mean Slytherin?"
"No, of course not. You know what we wizards need? More Ravenclaws. With Slytherins and Gryffindors always acting compulsively and Hufflepuffs never really doing anything, it's a miracle anything gets done. We could all use a little bit more logic. Just look at my Horcruxes. All of them are these really fancy, one of a kind things. I could have easily turned a bunch of rocks into Horcruxes and dropped them all off in different parts of the ocean. Any Ravenclaw would have known to do that."
In a strange twist of fate, many of the good guys started siding more with Voldemort than the Death Eaters were. "We'll still get to kill all the m*db***ds, right?" Bellatrix asked.
"Yeah, of course. We aren't stupid."
"No!" Neville stepped out of the crowd. "We will stop you!" Voldemort sighed before calmly setting Neville's head on fire. Hermione quickly put it out.
"Charge!" Yelled a crowd of people from the Forbidden Forest.
"Who the hell…" Voldemort's voice trailed off as the herd of creatures came into view. It wasn't Centaurs. It wasn't Giants. It certainly wasn't house elves since every single one of them died during the battle. It was instead a pack of muggles wearing cheese on their head. Before anyone could react, they all tackled Voldemort.
"Wait!" shouted Hermione. "You need to kill the snake first!"
"How are they gonna do that?" asked Ron "They don't have a basilisk fang or the sword."
"They don't need it, Ron! Look!" Hermione showed Ron a page from one of her books:
things that can destroy horcruxes
Basilisk venom
Anything plot convenient
Cheeseheads
"Brillant!" said Ron as the muggles obeyed Hermione's instructions and killed Nagini by feeding her too much cheese. Soon, the same was done to Voldemort. Everyone cheered and agreed to go to every Packers' game from now on.
Just when everyone thought things couldn't possibly get any better, Snape suddenly showed up.
"Professor Snape!? How are you alive!?" yelled everyone in unison.
"I have no idea." He replied.
And thus, the good side won. Ravenclaw's were finally accepted as real by the entire wizarding world, including stubborn Hufflepuffs, the Packers never lost another game and Snape somehow managed to live forever. He won Teacher of the Year 507 years in a row before retiring. All was well.
