What to do with all the Mary-Sues?

 Summary: Yet another parody directed straight at the 'Supreme Beings' themselves. Muahahahaha…

Written from the perspectives of some of the students and staff of Hogwarts.

The Great Hall was completely silent, with the exception of the low rumbling omitted by the stormy ceiling overhead, and the light, anxious whispers of the first years about to be sorted. At the Gryffindor table, Harry Potter rolled his eyes and beckoned his two best friends Ron and Hermione, who leaned into him from both sides.

"We've got another one."

Ron raised his eyebrows and scanned the group of terrified first years until he found her. She wasn't hard to miss. She was taller than the rest of them...possibly a 6th year. She spoke with a sweet, sugary and distinctly American accented voice to the first years and offered them a bite of her Chocolate Frog. It was a good thing she was pretty (with blazing blue eyes and white gold hair) or Ron would have been sick.

Hermione pulled away from Harry and scowled across the table at Ron. Taking in his glazed countenance, she snorted and followed his gaze to the girl visible in the mass of first years. Sociable, perky and pretty…but was she smart? Probably. Hermione's scowl etched deeper into her features. No way was she going to let one of nature's greatest monstrosities help her with homework and gain favor from all her teachers

Uh-oh. She sensed something was about to happen. Harry sensed it too. Ron woke from his dazed stupor and listened.

5, 4…Hermione silently counted. 3, 2, 1…

"Excuse me, Professor" came the sweet voice from the pack.

Professor McGonagall had just opened her mouth to call forward "Abersmith, Alan" and stopped. Her beady eyes turned into slits as she registered the new student. She sighed mentally. For the love of Merlin, not another one! 

"And what is your name?", she asked with barely concealed iciness.

The girl drew herself up proudly and announced, "My name is Chastity Goodall. I've just transferred here from Michigan, where I was top at Mathematics, Science and loads of other things at my very selective high school. I was nominated for school presidency, but I declined, seeing as how unfair it would be to the older students. The teachers wanted…well, begged me really to take up the position but then I got my letter from Hogwarts, which my parents didn't take as a joke, and…well, here I am!

She flashed Professor McGonagall with a knock-down-charming smile.

Professor McGonagall sighed and beckoned her forward. Her nostrils flared when she pointed to the stool where Chastity sat down and beamed at her new schoolmates. The Professor dropped the hat on her head where it began to whisper to itself.

"Hmmm…let's see here. What is that? Ah, courage. Always a good attribute to have…wit, you seen very gregarious…and not a bad mind…a very good mind, in fact. Well my dear, I believe you are absolutely perfect. I'll let you decide what house you want to be in…"

Chastity thought hard. "Gryffindor…I must be in Gryffindor. Harry's just so damn gorgeous! Even if he is my cousin twice removed…"

"GRYFFINDOR!!", shouted the hat. The tension that had been present in the hall ever since Chastity had introduced herself, broke. The Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin tables cheered loudly. The Gryffindor table groaned.

And thus, it began…