His name was Connor Daniel Logan. And this is the story of how we fell in love, and my resulting heartbreak when he left me for another.
I was 12 at the time. My mother was a teacher. One day Connor came up to my mother and asked her to tutor him. He wasn't doing very well in math or science so she agreed; partly to keep her reputation up and running and also because she enjoys tutoring.
It was a Saturday. He came over at the exact time and I went to open the gate. Later, how I regretted that action. That was when he saw me for the first time. If he fell in love upon meeting me I never knew. But later on he admitted having intense feelings for me. I had a boyfriend whose name is Surf so I was hesitant at first. Foolish and vain, I enjoyed the attention. Yes, I was the type of girl that loved playing with boys' hearts and watching them break.
Afterwards, Connor showed me proof that Surf loved another (probably still does) and that led to my break up with him. I took up Connor then and he healed my heart as I healed his. We were both very happy for awhile. But then I started wondering. Did I choose right? Should I have broken up with Surf? I started doubting my love for Connor.
I kept quiet, hoping he wouldn't know. But then he started noticing things. I didn't notice until too late. He went off on a three day camp, came home, was shown 'proof' I didn't love him, and broke up with me. Connor didn't tell me at first. I found out. I guess I knew all along that he was in love with another. But I was living in self denial, unable to accept the truth. Each and every lie he gave me I swallowed and refused to look at the evidence that came pouring in.
I was the last one to know. Everybody else knew but I didn't and nobody bothered to tell me.
The pain came blazing in. Hot and burning it swallowed me whole and for a long time I held on to all kinds of hope. Maybe he was playing a sick joke? I thought. Maybe he was just pretending that he loves another to get back at me?
Then the truth, so painful and scorching, came and went taking every single last shred of hope that remained. All through this only one thought made sense; I had to wait for him. When she leaves him I would come back to him. In the meantime I'd take anything that came for me. The pain, the misery…Everything as long as I know that he will come back to me in the end. Call me stupid or whatever you want but I will wait.
So what is love? I still don't know. I only know that it has the power to destroy you. To make you feel unbearable pain. You can get dragged over steel razors for all eternity, walk on hot coals for the rest of your life and the pain of all those tortures is nothing compared to the pain of a broken heart. It broke me in the end as it broke so many others. And I hope very much that you won't ever feel my pain. This scorching hot feeling living in my chest is not worth all those memories I have of him. And despite what he did to me I still love him. And I'll still take him back if he every offered his love again to me.
Like Bella said in Twilight, love is irrational.
