No one will ever know, no one will ever understand. The scars, always there to remind me, to let those who see think I'm not sane. Make the people who think they're normal think I'm not fit to be their friend. The so many times I came close to being a part of a family, felling like I belonged somewhere, thinking that I could be happy. All the time being torn away from people who cared about me and forced onto people who would sooner see me die then care for me.
These scars, these reminders, tell me to never get close. Never open my heart again, never let them have a chance to break it. Never give them the chance to kill me from the inside. No one knows, they will never know, how many there are, how many times I had done that. It was my only comfort, making my emotional pain something physical, even though a few times it was both. Why would they do things like that? Why would they take a child, knowing what they were, only to abuse them? Was it their anger reliefe? Was it how they passed the time? Or was I really just a monster?
I can never forget those people, any of them, the kind, the horrible. They are all eched into my memory. If they are, then why not the ones who actually cared for me, the ones who brought me to this world? All those people in my memory but not a single one of them the people I loved the most. Wht happened to them? Why did I need to be with those people anyway? Did they think I was a monster too? Is that all I'll ever be?
I can feel them, the things that make me a monster. My blood, my eyes, my fangs. They all make me a monster. That is why those people yelled at me, kicked me, punched me, beat me. I was a monster, nothing more. They knew from the start, they always knew.
More pain, trying to wash my thoughts away, they will never go away. They will never cease, they can't , not until my being ceases. The scent floating through the air, I know this scent well, the only familiar thing around me. The pain continues, throbbing, it feels better then all the other things I've felt. Better then the words that have been thrown at me, this promises peace, promises something that I have never know. It promises happiness.
Things start to go dark, my head feeling light. Is this finally it? Is this monster finally going to dissappear? Then I hear it, a voice sounding far away. It calls my name, I can't see the face. They yell, they say they want me to stay.
Why I ask, not realizing it came out as a whisper. My vision clears a bit, I see him, the man I fell in love with. The man who has his eyes set on someone else. At least she isn't a monster, not like me. I will never be anything more then that.
You are needed here. A simple sentence, a simple phrase that could mean so many things. I'm tired of not being told things, of people just tip toeing around them. They can tell me, they can say it simply. They don't have to avoid it.
I'm not needed, no one needs me. The true come out, it was always there. I never wanted to face it but it was always there. Most already knew, they told me, they showed me the truth. The truth that a monster was never needed, never wanted.
I need you. A lie, why tell me such lies? I don't want to hear them, I don't want to think about lies. We all know the truth, I know you do too. How could you not? I'm a monster, she's perfect. I'll never be good enough.
No, Kuran-sama.
