The Crown Jewel
A Sarasalanian coup sparks an international incident and sends Luigi on the adventure of a lifetime
By The Purple Wind
Chapter One: A Foreign Affair
Pipe House, Mushroom Kingdom
"Stupid Mario!" Luigi grumbled, alternately flipping through TV channels and spooning mouthfuls of fruit parfait into his mouth. He could barely taste what was normally one of his favorite treats because the day's events had left a very bad taste in his mouth. "He always gets to go on fun adventures, and I'm always left behind to tape his stupid TV shows!"
Mario had recently received a letter from Princess Peach asking him to go on an all-expense-paid cruise with her, or something like that. Luigi didn't care. All Luigi cared about was that Mario got to go on an adventure again, and that he, Luigi, got left behind again. Was Luigi invited to go on this treasure hunt with the princess and his brother? No. Of course not. No one ever invited Luigi, and it wasn't that Mario and Peach were cruel or didn't care about Luigi; they were simply oblivious to how he felt. In their eyes, Luigi barely existed.
He still hadn't forgotten about the time when Bowser stole the almighty Star Rod and, when Luigi asked if he could help Mario retrieve it, Mario stared at him, shook his head, and said, "No!" with a smile on his face. Or the time Peach took Mario on vacation to Isle Delfino and left him behind yet again. Luigi didn't really mind not going there specifically; he had never been fond of tropical "paradises", favoring instead a more temperate climate. The thing that really upset Luigi was the fact that he was never invited. Mario told Luigi he was going on a luxury vacation, packed his bags, and left Luigi alone in the Pipe House for a month. It was a consolation, then, to hear that Mario had been arrested by the local police and attacked by Bowser on his vacation. Misery does indeed love company.
Luigi was about to duck into the secret basement under the Pipe House to write down a stream of angry vitriol against Mario in his diary when one of his favorite TV shows, Cops, started playing. From the TV issued the theme song:
"Bad 'Shrooms, bad 'Shrooms, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?"
Luigi began to relax a little and sank deeper into the cushions of the couch, propped his feet up on the coffee table, and balanced the half-empty bowl of parfait on his knees. He was mentally projecting Mario's head upon the body of the drunken, shirtless Toad who was being wrestled to the ground by two Koopa patrol officers when he was aroused by the familiar "Mail call!" that indicated the arrival of the Mario Brothers' mailman and longtime friend, Parakarry.
"Heya, Parakarry, how're you doing?" Luigi asked, stepping onto the porch of the Pipe House to greet the mail-carrying Paratroopa who was hovering a few feet above the mailbox. The overcast sky was a uniform shade of steel-gray for as far as Luigi could see, ensuring that the outside was scarcely brighter than the inside. Parakarry, leather flight goggles over his eyes and a matching satchel over his pale blue shell, did not return Luigi's smile. Instead, he handed Luigi a slightly crumpled envelope whose address had been written rather sloppily. It looked to Luigi like the author was either a five-year-old or in a real hurry.
"What's this?" Luigi asked.
"Check out the return address," said Parakarry, still grim faced. "I didn't open it, of course, but I couldn't help noticing who sent it. That isn't normal diplomatic procedure, is it?"
Parakarry was referring to the look of shock on Luigi's face that appeared as he read the writing on the envelope. First of all, it was not addressed to Mario but to Luigi himself, which rarely happened; most letters that reached the Pipe House were addressed to either Mario or both of the brothers, but never to just Luigi. Second, and most baffling of all, was the return address: Dominic Fonté, Sarasalanian Foreign Minister.
The Foreign Minister of Sarasaland?! Luigi thought to himself. What in the world would he want with me?
Sarasaland was a kingdom due west from the Mushroom Kingdom run by Princess Peach's younger sister, Daisy. Sarasaland was much smaller than the Mushroom Kingdom, but since the Mushroom Kingdom was the largest political entity on the planet of Plit, saying so meant very little. Unlike the Mushroom Kingdom, where the monarch was more of a figurehead and the chancellor held most of the political power, the monarch of Sarasaland exercised much more power. Roughly forty years ago, King Gerlude split Sarasaland into four provinces, each with their own royal governor but all still subordinate to the king: Birabuto was the largest and the location of the royal palace. Muda contained most of Sarasaland's industry. Easton covered the eastern coast of Sarasaland and the backbone of the Sarasalanian economy, the Port of Easton. Chai was a relatively unpopulated area of mostly wilderness. Culturally, Sarasaland was very similar to the Mushroom Kingdom, save for the pronounced lack of Koopas, most of whom were driven out of the land in the 1880s after nearly 300 years of ruling the kingdom.
"So, what's it say?" Parakarry asked anxiously, leaning over Luigi's shoulder. The green-clad plumber slit open the envelope and extracted a crumpled, slightly torn piece of paper on which a short message was scrawled in the same messy handwriting that appeared on the envelope. Luigi began to read, noting the spelling mistakes indicative of a rushed job:
"Mr. Luigi Mario,
I write to you in utter despertion. A radical splinter cell called The New Crown of Sarasaland has raided the royal palace and siezed Princess Daisy. Your presense, Mr. Luigi, is desperately needed. Secretary of War Starx and I were barely able to escape the palace with our lives. I have arranged to have privat jet meet you at the Toad Town Airstrip and escort you to the Birabuto International Airport. I shal meet you there at hanger G17 at 6:30 when you are scheduled to arrive and explain the details. Please hurry. I fear that if these extremists are allowed to take over the goverment, they will tear apart the system we have worked so hard to protect.
-Dominic Fonté, Sarasaland Foreign Minister"
*****
Royal Palace, Birabuto, Sarasaland
Foreign Minister Dominic Fonté, a short, mustachioed, green-spotted Toad sat at a small conference table with the stocky, bearded, blue-shelled Secretary of War Alexander Starx and the tall, brunette Princess Daisy. Four Super Scope-toting royal guards stood sentry at the entrance, gazing upon the three officials' grim countenances. Their faces were masked by the beams of multicolored light that shone through the ornate stained-glass windows depicting the previous rulers of Sarasaland.
"The New Crown of Sarasaland is simply too dangerous to be allowed to continue to operate," exclaimed Starx, banging his fist on the mahogany table. Daisy and Fonté winced as Starx, gesticulating wildly, knocked over his water glass, but the Koopa seemed not to notice. "The military must be allowed to root out The New Crown wherever they may be and lock them up forever!"
"Normally," Fonté began, "I don't approve of using military force to solve our problems. In this case, however, I feel that it is the only viable course of action. If The New Crown is able to wrest control of the government from you, Princess, we may very well lose our trade agreements with the Mushroom Kingdom, which would cripple our economy. I very much doubt Princess Peach will wish to do business with the ones who deposed her sister."
"Agreed, gentlemen. I wi-"
Before Daisy could complete her sentence, however, the door to the throne room was kicked open and eight people armed with Super Scopes and wearing small, golden, crown-shaped pins on their shirts poured in. The royal guards leapt backwards, brought the Super Scopes up to their shoulders and pressed down the triggers as the unwelcome visitors did the same. The firefight lasted only about ten seconds, by which time all four of the royal guards and five of the New Crown radicals lay dead on the floor. The remaining three, a Yoshi, a Goomba, and a Fighter Fly, ran towards the three government officials at the conference table. The orange Yoshi brought his rifle down hard on the head of Princess Daisy, who collapsed onto the red carpet, bleeding copiously from the forehead. The Goomba ran at Starx, who produced from his shell a small dagger with a bright pink, two-and-a-half inch blade made purely of plasma that he rammed through the stout body of the Goomba. The Goomba's eyes widened as much as was possible for a Goomba as he fell to the floor, dead.
"C'mon, let's get out of here!" Fonté yelled to Starx as the Yoshi hoisted the limp body of Daisy onto his back and scampered from the throne room with the Fly. "The castle has undoubtedly been overrun! We must leave immediately!"
"The ventilation system leads directly from here to the rear courtyard; we should be able to escape that way," Starx replied, pointing to a vent on the wall behind the throne room. He and Fonté hopped up into the vents and began their long, arduous trek through the ducts. When they finally emerged at the back of the castle, they saw that the castle was indeed under siege. Pulses of energy from Super Scopes flew back and forth as The New Crown of Sarasaland attempted to rid the castle of the royal guards. Those who had gotten closest to the castle were now engaged in violent knife fights, using the same type of energy-based dagger that Starx had wielded earlier.
"How," Fonté asked, "did those eight manage to make their way to the throne room when this melee was going on outside?"
"I would imagine," Starx replied, "that the invasion of the throne room was what started the battle in the first place. We did not hear any signs of battle until they entered, so it seems that they were somehow able to sneak inside and had the full-scale assault timed so that the royal guards would be diverted and not be able to send a full force into the throne room. Quite an effective strategy; the New Crown is not to be trifled with."
Fonté and Starx dashed unnoticed around the fracas and into the capital city of Sarasaland, Biratown. Most of the buildings had been boarded up and the usually busy streets were empty. The only business that was still open was the post office. Good old mail carriers, Fonté thought. These guys are braver than any soldier in our army. The two burst into the post office only to have two Ray Guns jabbed into their stomachs.
"Minister Fonté! Secretary Starx! You're alive! But…what happened to Princess Daisy?" The Toads standing guard withdrew their guns from the chests of the two officials.
"Kidnapped by The New Crown, I'm afraid," Fonté said grimly. "However, it is fortunate that the post office remains open, for there is someone whom I believe can help us out. Someone hand me a pen and paper and an envelope." Fonté quickly scribbled a short message onto the piece of paper and stuffed it roughly into the envelope. "Send this off as soon as possible," he told the Lakitu behind the counter, handing him the letter. "Alex, it is too dangerous to remain here. I must make a quick call to the Toad Town Airstrip, and then we need to get to Birabuto International."
"May I ask, Dominic, what your plan is?" Starx inquired.
"I shall explain along the way. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make that call."
That Fonté, Starx thought as the minister dialed the phone on the post office desk. He barely knows how to fire a gun, but he can calculate ways to avoid an international incident in seconds.
Fonté hang up the phone, beckoned to Starx, and the two dashed out of the post office and towards the airport that lay just a few miles ahead.
