When the night was dark and he was alone, the voice in the back of Mello's mind would worm its way into the open.

He had no idea from where the voice came; perhaps it had started when his parent were murdered, or when the true nature of Whammys had been explained to him, or maybe it was when Near appeared and started slipping his rank out from under him. Whenever it was, the voice was always there living subtly under his thoughts like a parasite. Usually, it was easy enough to shove down into the dark corner of his mind; ignoring the voice was the only way he ever got any work done.

But on dark nights, nights like this, it was impossible to keep quiet.

You could have helped them, the voice said. You could have saved your parents, and instead you watched them die.

"I was four, there was nothing I could do" Mello stated firmly out loud. The voice always started with that.

You weren't normal, you know that. You knew what was happening, you knew how to save them. You knew, but you watched them die.

Mello threw the shabby covers off himself and sat up in bed. He wasn't going to get any sleep tonight.

You did nothing, just like you did nothing to save L.

Mello punched the dark wooden headboard with such force that his hand exploded with pain, but it did nothing to distract the voice.

You will always be the lowest shit on the bar, even Near is higher than you. Second, second, second, a waste of oxygen. It should have been you that died in that alley, but you can't even do that right now can you?

He cradled his hand, probably nothing broken, but his knuckles were bleeding and it stung like hell. Still, it was no distraction. Still, the voice went on.

And now look at you, wallowing in the dirt. With the criminals. What would L think of you now? What would he think of this murderer, this scared little boy killing men for power? Power you pretend to possess, power you don't know how to hold without fear. Would L be surprised that you've stooped so low? No, everyone knows how low you are. Everyone knows what a worthless sack of meat you are.

"I have to do this" Mello told the voice.

That's why L didn't choose you, too stubborn. Too headstrong. Too incompetent. You wanted it too much. They pitied you, wanting you to work with Near so your feelings could be spared; but you know the truth, don't you? You are worthless. Did you ever think you could be anything else?

"Shut up" He was shaking with rage now. "Liar"

Liar? Everything I know, you know. Protest all you want, you know the truth. Worthless. Worthless scared little boy, you have no place in this fight. What can you do besides put more blood on your own hands? On the hands of another foolish boy too quick to trust you? What will you do besides die?

"I will give L justice, I will be higher than Near, I will defeat Kira"

Hehh, hehhh, hehhhh. Defeat Kira? You are no better than Kira. You see the bodies in your dreams. Such a good catholic boy you once were, now such a filthy sinning murderer. Hehh, hehhh, hehhhh.

Mello unconsciously clutches the rosary hanging around his neck, the cross digging into the palm of his uninjured hand. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned" Mello began, crouching on the bed and bowing his head with both hands pressed together.

Hehh, hehhh, hehhhh. The voice begins to slide away, but the laughter sticks in his mind as a reminder that it will not disappear entirely. Hehh, hehhh, hehhhh.