Title: Poor young man's heart

Author: Linn (linnrothen@hotmail.com)

Website: www.geocities.com/roryjess2002

Rating: G

Category: Angst/Romance

Paring: R/J

Spoilers: "Say Goodnight, Gracie", "Here comes the son" and "Those are strings Pinocchio"

Distribution: Sure, just tell me where.

Disclaimer: Gilmore Girls, Rory and Jess belong to WB and Amy Sherman-Palladino.

Authors note: English is not my first language, so spelling/grammar mistakes may occur.

.Title from a song by Kristoffer Åström.

Summary: This fic begins a few weeks after the "Here comes the son" episode. I suck at summaries. Rory's graduation hasn't happened yet. Read and you will se what goes round in Jess head and what he will do....

"Alone

Lying, thinking

Last night

How to find my soul a home

Where water is not thirsty

And bread loaf is not stone

I came up with one thing.

And I don't believe I'm wrong

That nobody,

But nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nobody

Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires

With money they can't use

Their wives run around like banshees

Their children sing the blues

They've got expensive doctors

To cure their heart of stone

But nobody

No, nobody

Can make it out here alone

Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nobody

Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely

I'll tell you what I know

Storm clouds are gathering

The wind is gonna blow

The race of man is suffering

And I can hear the moan,

'Cause nobody,

But nobody

Can make it out here alone

Alone, all alone

Nobody, but nobody

Can make it out here alone."

*Poem written by Maya Angelou.*

*Night, Venice, CA*

Jess is sitting on a swing at the beach, staring out at the black sea.

Alone.

I'm all alone.

I have nothing

Except a father that have nothing to offer me.

And a mother who doesn't care if I'm alive or dead.

A couple of weeks ago it felt like I had everything.

A perfect girlfriend.

Rory Gilmore.

She was my everything.

But that I didn't tell a single soul.

I was afraid.

Afraid of everything that had to do with feelings.

I was afraid that if I showed my true self, people could hurt me even more.

I'm a big failure.

I have messed everything up.

My education.

My relationship with Rory.

I didn't even tell her that I was leaving town.

For good.

I guess she hates me now.

More and more for every day that goes by without me calling her.

I have found myself going to the beach at night, sitting on this swing.

At the same night I first came here to Venice, I went here to the beach.

That night I was almost suicidal.

I almost walked out to the water and drowned myself.

But I didn't.

I just stood near the water and stared out in to the emptiness for what seemed to be several hours.

I wanted to scream out Rory's name, but I knew it wouldn't help.

The only thing that keeps me alive is my books. I flee in to their worlds whenever I get the chance. It's books and the smell of coffee that reminds me of Rory.

Sometimes it feels like I will find her standing behind some bookshelf in my favourite bookstore, with her nose in a book.

I have dreamt about her every night since I came to Stars Hollow and I still do.

But they aren't all pleasant dreams.

Some is about Rory dying.

And some is about me coming back to Stars Hollow and she hates me.

I stare at the black water, the lights from the night clubs behind me reflects in the water.

I begin having trouble keeping my eyes open and I yawn loudly.

I sigh and rise from the swing. As I start walking towards Jimmy's house my thoughts falls on Luke.

I have let him down.

He believed in me just as much as Rory did.

He thought I could be whatever I wanted to be.

He was there for me from day one.

Luke's the only one I can see as a father to me, even though he isn't.

I never thought I would say this but, I miss him almost as much as I miss Rory.

After Rory he's the one that knows me the best.

Sometimes, at day it feels like I'm going insane.

As I walk on the streets I always think that I see Rory, or that I hear her calling after for me.

But it's never her that I see and it's never her that I hear either.

I am nothing without Rory. It's like she's my oxygen.

There's no joy in my life anymore.

I don't remember smiling or laughing one single time since I came here.

Sasha has noticed that something is troubling me.

She asked me once if there was someone I had left behind when I came here.

I didn't have to say a thing. She understood anyway that there was a girl.

Woman intuition.

She left me alone and didn't say anything more about it.

I have a constant battle going on inside of me.

It's between my heart and my head. My head tells me to forget about her, but my heart tell me not to.

I pass by a payphone and I glance it, thinking that I maybe should call Rory.

I walk a bit from it until I turn around and walks back to the payphone.

I pick it up and start dialing the number to her cellphone. I wait and after a short while she answer it.

She says hello and ask who it is. I don't say a thing to her.

I don't have the guts to speak.

I, Jess Mariano don't have the guts to speak to a girl.

The problem is that she's THE girl.

The girl I'm in love with.

And if I would say something she would probably hang up.

I can hear Lorelai asking her who it is and Rory says that she doesn't know.

Rory says hello several times more until she hangs up.

After a while I hang up too and I begin walking again.

When I arrive at Jimmy's house I walk quietly to my room.

I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

I begin dreaming about Rory once again.

To be continued............