An older sibling should never have to see their younger siblings cry. And I mean never.

Even if the age difference is just by a few seconds or minutes, as soon as you are sentient enough to grasp on to the idea that you are the oldest, you never wish to see them cry or, heaven forbid, screaming in agony.

But I have found that this world is just too cruel to allow people to go a moment without feeling sadness or pain. I know the guys think I'm the worst eldest brother, but in all honesty I would do anything for them. Sure, I took all their money to play pachinko when they were sick, but when it comes down to it I would do anything to keep them safe.

Anything at all.

Their very lives are much more important than what mine will ever be.

All of theirs.

Karamatsu is so kind. Too kind for his own good. He doesn't get the recognition he deserves and is bullied so much by all of us for unfair reasons.

Choromatsu gets too worried for his own good. But his intentions are always good, especially when trying to get a job for himself, only to fail.

Ichimatsu may be the most of a family man as they came, even if he never showed it. I worried about him. Once we all finally decided to move out, I wondered how he'd react.

Jyushimatsu I also worried about. He was honestly quite naive and innocent even if he knew about intercourse. There was never a moment in his life, I believe that he has not been kind nor innocent a day in his life.

Which worries me a bit.

Todomatsu is the baby of our family. Sure, it's my job to protect all of them no matter what, but it was everyone's job to protect Totty. He was the youngest, and all of us have a need and want to protect him as much as possible. No matter what.

It must be nice.

Honestly, I kind of envied all of my brothers, except for Totty. All of the others were both a younger and an older brother, and make no mistake, I love all of them, and I would never trade my position of eldest brother for anything at all.

But...

It must be nice, y'know, to have older siblings that care about you.

Even if they don't show it, it's at least you know that they're always there.

But older siblings aren't supposed to make the younger one's worry. So, naturally, I do what the stereotypical alcoholic does. I drink. Those are typically the nights I drink alone, so my brothers don't know that something's wrong. Is it good for my health? Not quite, but as long as my brothers didn't have to worry, I didn't care what happened to me.

Even if I die of alcohol intake.

There was one time when Choromatsu witnessed me at a bar alone, and either out of curiosity or concern-more than likely the former rather than the latter-he entered. When offered a seat and to be waited on, he denied and made his way to the table I sat at, empty bottles and glasses littered among my table, yet I still was not drunk.

Seems that the more a person drinks, the harder it is for them to get drunk.

He looked at me with slight shock. "Osomatsu, what are you-" But his question was caught in his throat. Of course, he was the most worrisome of us. Well, outwardly, anyway. This sight must have gave him a scare. Or made him lose even more faith in me as an older brother. "Why are you...are you drunk?"

"Not yet, Choromatsu," I answered, sipping on the bottle that I had been currently working on. "But that's what I'm working on."

"I didn't know you drank alone." He stated, eyebrows furrowed in anxiety like normal. He placed his hand against the circular table, fingers touching the wood ever so slightly.

"We never knew that Todomatsu climbed Mount Fuji, either." I chuckled, perhaps a bit bitterly? I'm not sure if it sounded like it was meant to be in fun or bitter, but I remember it supposed to sound bittersweet.

"Yeah, but..." He didn't know how to finish his response. He stared at my identical brown orbs with his own, trying to get the words to leave his tongue. His mouth was open, but no words or sound came out whatsoever. He was shocked. Maybe cause he thought I was depressed or he was shocked that I did anything on my own without annoying one of them. "How often do you do this?"

"Does it matter?" I had asked, stroking an empty bottle with a bored look.

"Well, yeah," Choromatsu answered, taking a seat in the creaky chair next to my own. He folded his hands in front of him, looking at me. He stayed quiet before a bartender walked up to him and offered him a drink. It was funny watching the color drain from his face upon seeing the hot bartender who wore stockings with a short red skirt and black button up shirt with golden buttons. It was rather clear that her shirt was much too tight for her chest size, and made her chest pop out a more than it should have, her long brown hair framing her body. For a moment, I nearly chuckled at the thought of "little Choromatsu" coming up to play, but wiped the thought away when Choromatsu spoke to her. "No thank you, I'm not really here to drink." He told her.

She nodded, winking a bit. "Alright, cutie, but if you decide you want something, don't hesitate to ask. My name's Aika." She sauntered away, clearly meaning for her skirt to come up a bit in order for her ass to be seen. Choromatsu blushed for a moment at being called cute as well as seeing more of a girl than he ever has before in his life, save for whenever any of us would accidentally walk in on our mom dressing or something of the like.

"Flustered a bit, Fappymatsu?"

"Stop calling me that!" He yelled at me for the disapproved nickname. I stopped myself from chuckling by taking a swig of my beer from the glass bottle. He sighed slightly, calming down and returning to staring at me. "Why'd you come here to drink? If you really wanted to go out drinking, we all could have headed down to Chibita's together." He said, picking up one of my empty beer bottles and examining it fruitlessly. Why ever he was examining the glass bottle was beyond me, but it looked as if he was silently interrogating the poor innocent object.

"Perhaps I wanted to go alone." I stated, staring at the wood lines on the table and counting them mentally. I could hear a small sound of surprise escape from Choromatsu's lips as I could feel his confused gaze on me. Me saying that I wanted to do anything alone was seldom heard of, but not never heard of.

Except when it came to drinking.

If you offered me to drink with you, chances were that I was always hands down, given a few exceptions. Such as when I needed to go see Choromatsu in the hospital once he had his first panic attack and ended up passing out, scaring Karamatsu-the only one home at the time-shitless.

Once I had gotten word, I was scared shitless as well.

But a story like that is for later.

"Osomatsu-niisan? Are you? You sound off. Way off. It's kinda starting to scare me now." Choromatsu admitted, eyebrows furrowed much deeper in concern than before.

I sighed slightly. What I was doing was wrong. I'm not supposed to worry the younger siblings.

What was I honestly doing?

Or thinking?

"I'm fine, Choromatsu. I'm sorry if I've been scaring ya a bit," I said, taking out my wallet. I had won some money earlier from pachinko, much to Choromatsu's surprise, I could tell by his face. I set the yen on the table along with a little extra for a tip for the bartender that was ever so nice, if not a bit fake. "I was just about to leave anyway," I lied. I stood hastily, scared that the floor would rush up to meet my head. Despite not being drunk, I was still a bit tipsy. I steadied myself on the table, waiting for the wave of dizziness to leave my vision. "You coming? Or would you like a drink? Although, if you order a drink, I'm staying in order to keep you out of trouble and or cut you off." I stated, my big brother mode kicking in.

He shook his head, beckoning for my arm to wrap around his shoulders to which I refused the almost forceful offer. "Niisan, you're dizzy."

"Yeah," I said with a playful roll of my eyes, "that's one of the side effects of having a few drinks."

"A few?!" Choromatsu exclaimed like a worried mother. That made me wonder who worried more about all of us, him or me?

Nah.

Still definitely me.

"It looks like you nearly bought the bar out of stock! Do you see all of these bottles and glasses?!" He asked, pointing at the table. I felt eyes on me that didn't belong to my younger brother and noticed that everyone else seemed to be staring at us.

"Ch-Choromatsu, let's discuss this outside, preferably as we walk home." I stated, pushing him towards the door. Luckily, it didn't take a million race horses to get him outside like I originally thought that it would. Once outside, the warm air hitting our skin, he immediately started his rant once more.

"Honestly, what were you thinking? What if I didn't get there and you continued to drink? What if you tried to head back home on your own, only completely wasted? You could have been jumped, and I know you're a strong fighter, but when you're wasted, you're practically useless! Niisan, you could have been raped!"

"Chorofappyski," I say with a sigh, "I'm not a girl."

"Doesn't matter," He dismissed, "boys can get raped just as much as a girl could. You'd be surprised, niisan. Honestly, what would you have done had I not intervened?" He asked, stopping his trek onward to our home to stare at me, awaiting an answer.

I looked to the ground, not wishing to meet his eyes. "I don't know." I answered, but in all honesty I knew exactly what I would have done.

I would have become so drunk that I forgot.

Did that happen often? No. Due to my extremely high alcohol tolerance, getting so drunk that I forgot hardly ever happened, but when it did it was like a high that I couldn't get past.

"Exactly!" He yelled as he continued on our trek home, staring ahead of himself, hands on his head. "Honestly, Osomatsu, you really are the worst oldest brother."

I stopped in my tracks. He continued to walk, but I couldn't. I wasn't perfect, I knew that. Everyone knew that. And if anything I was the most selfish Matsuno to ever live.

But it didn't need to be rubbed in.

I could feel slight tears prick at the corners of my eyes, but I didn't dare let a single one fall. Not in the presence of my younger brother. Not in the presence of anyone. I stuffed my hands in my hoodie pockets, not looking up if my life depended on it. "Then I guess you just have Karamatsu." I mumbled.

My voice had been loud enough to be acknowledged, but not loud enough for the words to be decipherable. "Hm?" I heard Choromatsu utter. He was probably looking back at me, but I didn't look up. I only spoke a tad bit louder.

"Then I guess you just have Karamatsu."

It took a moment for him to speak again, probably attempting to put the pieces together again. "Is that what tonight was all about?" He inquired.

Without answering, I snapped my head back up, smile plastered to my lips and index finger rubbing itself underneath my nose, eyes stinging a bit so I knew that they were red from my tears, but that could simply be mistaken from my night of drinking. "About what?"

My eyes looked at a startled Choromatsu, the brother that I used to be closest to. Heck, we had even escaped aliens together when we were ten when I was placed in that body molder that, at the time, I was almost certain was going to kill me.

What happened to us? Why did we grow apart? What did I do wrong?

"About me calling you that," He answered. "Does it bother you? You never said anything about it before, but I guess I never asked." He said with distraught eyes. The finger underneath my nose began to shake along with the hand that it was attached to. It did. It really did. More than any of them would like to know or admit. But it was fun to them.

And it was true.

"Nah, Choro," I dejected untruthfully, "it's cool."

And that was the end of that conversation. He didn't look exactly convinced from that, but he didn't seem to care enough to press any further.

No big brother to rely on kind of sucks, I'll admit. It gets lonely and scary sometimes what with having to be the bravest and strongest. I forgot what it was like to be allowed to be scared. I forgot what it was like to be allowed to cry openly.

But I haven't forgotten my brothers crying. Some for petty reasons, some from heartbreak, and some for serious reasons.

And I fear that if I don't write it down, the guilt and horror from some of the reasons will eat me alive.