A/N: Recap. The Not-So-Condensed X-Men: First Tap A Dat Ass
WARNING: This recap has been slightly embellished. With apologies to Marvel Comics, Matthew Vaughn, all of the writers of X-Men: First Class and everybody in the universe.
I own nothing.
Pt. 1 In The Beginning...
Credits Roll
Poland, 1944.
Young Erik Lehnsherr demonstrates his mutant ability by obliterating a metal gate in an attempt to save his parents in a Nazi death camp. A man takes note of the incident as the boy is finally subdued violently by soldiers.
Westchester, New York, 1944.
We find ourselves at the mansion of someone ridiculously rich. A child—a boy of about nine or ten—is in the kitchen looking at an imposter in the guise of his mother.
"Who the fuck are you?" he asks the woman suspiciously.
"Darling, calm yourself. How's about a cuppa?" the woman offers nervously.
"A cup of what? Air? You're not my mother—my mother's never set foot in this kitchen or any other in her whole life. As a matter of fact, the only way anyone's ever even been able to get her in this kitchen was to snap a photo of her and hang it here..." he tells her telepathically as he points to the framed photo of him and his mother on the wall. To his shock and amazement the woman transforms and becomes a darling, if scaly, little naked blue girl with blazing red hair.
"Damn!"
"Oh, put your eyes back in your head already."
"I knew I wasn't the only one in the world. Fantastic! I see that you're hungry—take whatever you want."
"Really?"
"Yes, please—mi casa, su casa, comprende? You're home now and you'll never have to steal again."
"Wow, thanks. But is that going to be okay with your parents?" the girl asks him worriedly.
"Duh...my mother's hung in frame on a wall; my father's not hung at all..."
"Oh, poor chap—maybe that's why your mother's not here."
"What?" the boy asks her, totally bewildered.
"Uh, nothing..."
"Whatever. Don't worry about anything—I run this shit," he beams at her proudly. "What's your name, anyway?"
"Raven."
"Hi Raven, I'm Charles Xavier."
Meanwhile, back at the death camp...
Young Erik has been brought to the office of sadistic, Nazi-sympathizing scientist and well-hung warden Dr. Klaus Schmidt to demonstrate his abilities.
"Erik, show me what you can do and I'll give you a piece of chocolate."
"Fuck your chocolate—I want to see my mother."
"Just indulge me, sonny, or you'll be sorry."
Erik tries and fails to pass his test of ability. To his surprise and limited joy his mother is then brought into the room. They have a happy one-second reunion until Schmidt breaks down to him what is expected of the boy.
"Now, Erik, show me what you can do or I'll put a bullet in your mother's brain." Schmidt aims his pistol at the poor woman and begins a count down. "Eins...zwei...drei"
Erik desperately tries to comply with the man's wish and fails miserably, yet again. He hears the single shot and then his mother slump to the floor, dead. In anguish and rage he accomplishes what he had not been able to do before. In the ensuing carnage he kills the guards and makes a big mess of a room filled with medical instruments that would have otherwise taken Schmidt out if they weren't locked behind a pesky door and a plate glass window. He realizes the wasted opportunity and bows his head in abject failure.
"Hmm, anger and pain—works for me," says Schmidt, ever the bastard. "Well, little dude, I feel ya. Here, take this crappy Nazi coin and buck up—we're gonna have fun unlocking your abilities."
Erik vows silently, then and there, that some day he's going to stick that coin somewhere in the evil doctor where the sun don't shine.
Fade To: Title Sequence as the Nazi coin flips over from its swastika side to reveal: X-MEN: FIRST CLASS
Geneva, Switzerland, 1962.
Erik Lehnsherr, now a full grown man, reclines on a bed in a forlorn hotel room in Geneva. He has escaped his nemesis and spent untold years honing his mutant genetic ability plotting his revenge against Schmidt, now known as Sebastian Shaw. He is content at this moment to manipulate Shaw's damnable Nazi coin with his mind, weaving it through his fingers with effortless precision and also to bask in the glory of his extreme hunkitude; he is seething with anger and resolute calm as he prepares to execute the first round of his battle to make Shaw pay for his crimes against his father and mother—and against him.
Oxford University, England.
Charles Xavier is a horny student hanging out in the University pub as Raven, disguised as a bodacious human girl, looks on jealously; he is flirting madly with a beautiful co-ed, doing his schtick about the grooviness of mutation, in this case, of the young lady's eyes being two different colors.
"You might call it..."
"A crashing bore, all of this talk of mutation. Are you gonna take me somewhere and bang my brains out, or what?" the girl asks him impatiently.
Before he can answer Raven interrupts by introducing herself to the little slut and changes her eyes to two different colors, as well.
"Wow, your sister has heterochromia, as well!" the girl exclaims to Charles delightedly.
Charles takes his "sister" by the arm and leads her out of the pub with his apologies to the young lady. "Must get her home now..." Out on the street he lets his anger rip.
"Cock-blocker..."
"I've got something for what ails you, honey," she assures him.
Charles groans irritatedly.
Back at home Raven, in her natural form, prepares for bed as Charles works on his thesis.
"Mutant and proud?" Raven grumbles to herself in the bathroom mirror. "Charles, would you date me?" she asks him in all seriousness from the bathroom doorway.
Absorbed in his work he answers her easily. "Who wouldn't? You're stunning..."
"I mean like this..."
Her tone forces him to look away from his paper. "What? Oh...well...uh..." he begins to stutter.
"Just shut up already," she sighs heavily as she goes to him where he sits on the couch and pours herself into his lap.. "Frickin' read your paper out loud—I need help going to sleep."
"Raven, you're my sister, I could never, you know...anyway," he says delicately to her.
"I'm not your sister and you're a hypocrite. But I'll forgive you. This time."
"Well, thanks for that, then."
"Yeah, I got your 'thanks'. Read, already."
Charles begins to read, oblivious to Raven's hand which has grasped his free one and proceeds to take it on an unexpected journey.
"What?" he asks absently. He is used to feeling her scales through her clothes, such as at that moment through Raven's robe, but he feels something suddenly more akin to a nipple. "Raven!" He looks and then yanks his hand away from her very well-developed and scaly breast.
"Oh, you're no fun at all," she says disgustedly. She rises and leaves him on the couch as she stalks off to bed in a huff.
Back in Geneva...
Erik walks through the street, with a a swagger so sexy that it should be illegal, on his way to pay a visit to a Swiss banker. He's on the hunt to track Klaus Schmidt through his blood money and demands the intel from the banker, who tries unsuccessfully to call for help. He extracts the desired information as well as a filling from the banker's mouth with a good old-fashioned magnetic mouth-raping technique.
"Thank you, asshole. Do not alert anyone that I'm coming for them—or I'll come back with power drills and a really bad attitude."
Las Vegas, Nevada.
CIA agent Moira MacTaggert is on assignment with her partner outside of an exclusive gentleman's party at the Atomic Casino.
"Now that's a party..." says Moira's partner as they scope the casino from their car.
"And I've got my invitation right here," she says as she sees a bevy of beauties enter the club in various forms of sexy lingerie. She strips down to her bra, panties and real 1960's garters and slips in with the other women. She sees Emma Frost usher Colonel Hendry into a private room and finds one to spy from.
She sees Sebastian Shaw, Frost, Colonel Hendry and then a fine Latin hunk sitting at the bar through the crack in the door.
"Damn, all dressed up, somewhere to go and can't get there..." she mutters to herself under her breath disappointedly as she continues to eye the Latin hunk appreciatively. The conversation gets heated; the Latin hunk generates a tornado from his hands and hurls it at the Colonel, who has just refused an invitation to start a war. Emma Frost reveals her true diamond form and stymies the Colonel as he wonders just how painfully pleasurable a titty-fuck between diamond triple D's could actually be. Emma gives a slow shake of her head at him in reprimand. Moira hides herself again in fear.
"Now, who's bitch are you?" Moira hears Shaw ask the Colonel; she peeks again and sees that he has one hand at his ear as he leans over Colonel Hendry, who has now totally forgotten about Emma's sparkling diamond tits.
"Yours..." the Colonel Hendry whimpers.
"Very good. Azazel!" Shaw calls out to no one in particular in the room. Emma shoots Shaw a reprimanding look then and whistles. Suddenly the Devil himself appears in an ectoplasmic red cloud. He is the color of hot red lava, with a long feral-looking prehensile tail pointed at the tip; it latches on to the Colonel and whips him up from the floor within its grasp as he speaks to Shaw, annoyed.
"I'm not deaf, I can hear you...how many times do I have to tell you that?" He smooths the wrinkles in his Armani suit and gives a toss of his head after he pushes a few stray strands of his hair away from his eyes.
Riptide shoots him a puzzled look.
"What?" asks Azazel annoyed as he stares Riptide down batting his eyelashes furiously. "I'm a fucking demon from way back in the day, for God's sake," he lisps, "and I'm doing his bidding?" he holds up his fist and points his thumb at Shaw. "I might as well be gay..."
"My bad, Azazel," Shaw interrupts him. "Please be kind enough to escort Colonel Hendry to his meeting?"
Azazel rolls his eyes but says nothing. In one simultaneous moment he grabs the Colonel Hendry by the arm and disappears with him in another haze of ectoplasmic smoke. Moira runs like hell out of the room, through the club and back to her partner waiting for her curbside.
Outside of the Atomic Casino...
"Drive!" Moira instructs her partner frantically as she fumbles for the phone to make a desperate call to the CIA Director. "Shaw is implementing a nuclear war—he's coerced Colonel Hendry to help him!"
"Who is is this?"
"Moira MacTaggert, calling from Las Vegas, sir. Colonel Hendry was just here..." She proceeds to report what she has seen in the club.
"MacTaggert, get your crazy ass back to headquarters. And I strongly advise that you bring back some of whatever it is you've been smoking, because it sounds like a lonely party. Puff, puff, pass! Or have you not read the rule book?"
"Sir? Did you not hear me?"
"I heard you. And Colonel Hendry is at the meeting right now—no way he was in Vegas."
"I just told you how he got from Las Vegas sir..."
"Puff, puff, pass, MacTaggert.," the Director says angrily and hangs up on her.
Back at Oxford U...
Charles graduates and is immediately thirsty for a drinky-poo. He and Raven head to the pub as Moira MacTaggert follows them totally aware that her raincoat and dress should be a lot shorter.
Argentina
Erik Lehnsherr strolls across an Argentinian hillside in all of his sexy glory making the majestic mountains looming over picturesque Villa Geselle jealous.
"We are the Majestic Mountains looming over picturesque Villa Gesell—how dare he come waltzing over here outshining our glorious majesty!" complains one mountain haughtily.
"Oh, shut the fuck up, I'll take his buns of steel of over your old, craggy ridges any day..." snaps the other.
Erik walks into the bar and instantly confirms from a picture of Schmidt hanging on the wall that he has found his targets. He makes a glass happy as he takes a long drink from it and then wreaks havoc on two Nazi swine cohorts of Klaus Schmidt, impaling the "pig farmer" by his hand to the table as he renders the "tailor" to death by bartender; he offs the bartender with the knife in the pig farmers hand then draws it back to himself to hand-rape the man once more.
"Who are you, you sexy motherfucker?" the impaled pig farmer asks him tormentedly.
"My name is Frankenstein's Monster, be-yotch." Erik kills the pig farmer with a bullet to the brain, armed with the location of his creator and a gun that never wants him to put it down because it has fallen in love.
Meanwhile, Charles guzzles at the pub...
…As Raven looks on approvingly—she plans to get her man the old-fashioned way: shitfaced and unable to fight her off.
"I'm so proud of you," she hugs him enthusiastically.
"I need another drink...
"Here ya go..." she is about to hand him one when Moira approaches him, cock-blocking Raven and Heterochromia Bitch from the time before.
"Congratulations, Professor. I'm Moira MacTaggert—do you have a minute?."
"A groovy little thing like you with a mutated MCL1 gene? I have five. I say MCL1, you say..."
"Cut the crap, I'm here on business and I need your help."
"Well, your skirt is rather long..."
"What?" she asks indignantly.
"Uh, nothing..."
"The kind of mutations you talked about in your thesis—is that possible in people alive today?"
Charles reads her thoughts and sees everything that happened at the Atomic Casino. He sees the other groovy mutants and his boner is immediate.
"Professor? Okay, fuck this...maybe when you're sober...can we try this tomorrow?"
"I think you know the answer to that. I really do want to help you and if I can, I will."
"Thank you."
Raven, seeing that Charles has completely sobered up after his talk with the chick in the long skirt, sighs in disgust. Her bladder is full from too many sodas; she sulks as she heads for the ladies room, resigned to the fact that she will have to settle, yet again, for another lonely pee orgasm.
Miami, Florida.
Colonel Hendry is on Sebastian Shaw's yacht and he's pissed.
"I want my money or I'll blow this tub..." he holds a live grenade in his hand, ready to pull the pin.
"It would be more fun if you blew me," Sebastian Shaw tells him with a smirk.
"What? Fuck you, I'll do it, I swear to God..."
"No you won't—but I will..." Shaw grabs the grenade from a stunned Colonel Hendry and pulls the pin; the Colonel stares in horror as Shaw withstands and absorbs the detonation.
"Son of a bitch," Hendry mutters.
"That would be you, Colonel. It's been real.." Shaw gives Hendry a tap to the chest thereby nuking him.
Emma Frost and Riptide arrive too late with hot dogs; both register child-like disappointment as Shaw shakes his head, greatly amused.
CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.
Charles has accompanied Moira to a meeting with her superiors. He has given a speech that he knows has fallen on deaf ears.
"MacTaggert, is he going to pull a rabbit out of his hat next? This meeting is over," says the Director.
"Uh, not so fast there, gents, I'll go one better," Charles says as he leans back in his chair and spreads his legs to make room for his expanding balls. "Moira, love, I'm a mutant and I can read minds—Agent Stryker, why don't you tell me about those nukes America just placed in Turkey?"
"He's a Goddamned spy!" the Director accuses Moira, totally incensed. "Moira, this is it—you can just go fetch me a cup of coffee right now!"
As the room breaks out in pandemonium, Raven stands and transforms into a carbon copy of Agent Stryker, stunning everyone in the room. She then transforms into her true visage.
"She's blue!" says Agent Stryker incredulously.
"She's hot!" says the Man in Black excitedly.
"She's jail bait, gentlemen, and for all intents and purposes, my sister, as well. Calm your minds—and your privates," Charles tells them sternly.
"I want this place locked down," the Director hisses at them all. "And I want them out of here..."
"I'm on that," says the Man in Black gleefully.
As the Man in Black escorts Charles and Raven from headquarters, Charles freezes everyone on Moira's floor and has a telepathic conversation with her.
"Meet us on the third floor of the parking garage, love."
"What the fuck?" says Moira out loud, shocked and amazed.
"Cool, huh? I'm as interested in Sebastian Shaw as you are—lets' go get him."
"You're gonna love my facility, Professor," the Man in Black assures him proudly.
"I'm sure I will, but Agent MacTaggert's got a lead on Sebastian Shaw and we need to follow up on it before we lose him."
"Uh, I'm supposed to..."
"You're supposed to be a good bitch right now and get in the car," says Charles as he gives the reluctant agent's mind a little push.
"Yeah, that could be fun, too."
Moira pulls up and they all head off.
Nightfall in Miami.
Erik has found the Caspartina and passes the 5,234th test of extreme hunkitude as it is apparent that he looks just as fine wet as he does when he's dry. He swims to the boat and easily accesses it. There are wetsuits and then there is Erik's wetsuit, which makes him look like a Greek god in sinfully form-hugging black rubber. He finds Shaw relaxing with Emma and third-wheel, Riptide and thinks to himself what totally boring fucks they are. He approaches them boldly.
"Herr Doktor."
Shaw starts gibbering bullshit in German.
"He's here to kill you," Emma warns Shaw. She floods his mind with his own horrid memories to the point of total debilitation; Erik manages to hurl his knife at Shaw, which Emma deflects easily, now in her diamond form. Erik rushes her and she sends him hurling back to sea where the ocean welcomes him because it has fallen in love.
The Coast Guard approaches and Emma detects a telepath on board.
"I've lost Shaw," Charles says incredulously to Moira and the Man in Black, "they have a telepath and I can feel her in my head. I'm sorry, I'm useless to you—I'm sorry, you're on your own."
As Coast Guard speed rafts race to the Caspartina Riptide hurls tornadoes their way, obliterating them.
"Gah!"
"Charles, are you okay?" asks Moira, alarmed.
"There's someone else out there," gasps Charles as he clutches as his temples in pain. "He's the sexiest motherfucker that's ever been inside my head..." he heads port side and looks over the rail, pointing to a spot in the ocean. "There..."
Erik seizes control of the ships anchor and forces the huge chain around the yacht like a lasso. It drags him to the depths as Shaw's yacht breaks away to free a submarine from its hidden clutches.
"Let go!" Charles yells out to him desperately. "You have to let it go!" He jumps in to save him.
"You can't...you'll drown...you have to let go...I know what this means to you but you're going to die...Please, Erik—calm your mind."
Charles manages to bring him to the surface at last.
"Get off me! Who are you?" Erik gasps.
"My name is Charles Xavier."
"Were you in my head?"
"Yes."
"Were you rubbing yourself against my thigh?"
"You call it rubbing myself against your thigh, I call it activating a flotation device...a really groovy flotation device..."
"How did you do that?" Erik demands angrily.
"Well, I put my arms about you like so and..." Charles begins to demonstrate happily as Erik bats him away.
"No, not that—how did you get inside my head?"
"Oh...you're not alone, blah, blah, blah, mutant too, blah, blah, calm your mind. Now that's out of the way this is a good time to tell you that I think I'm in love with you."
Off in the distance Sebastian Shaw smirks as he escapes his nemesis, confidant that he is unstoppable.
Covert CIA Research Base.
The Man In Black finally has his charges at his facility. As he escorts Charles, Erik, Moira and Raven inside we are treated to the first proper, full and rare view of Raven's scrumptious badonk.
"Welcome to my facility. I hunt for mutants," he informs them all proudly.
"I'm hot for mutants. We're going to get along just fine," Charles assures him.
"This Shaw guy—he's working with the Russians—we might need your help to stop him."
"Groovy," Charles gives him a knowing smile.
***GRATUITOUS PHALLIC SYMBOL ALERT***
The Man in Black stops them all to stand underneath and admire the model of a jet hanging from the ceiling of a research lab. Everyone looks at it in awe except for Erik, who is quite unimpressed and yawns. Charles gives Erik a knowing smile.
"It's a supersonic...you should see it in real life...it's incredible..." says Hank McCoy, who has just walked into the room.
"That's what I heard about Erik," Raven whispers to Moira.
"Raven, really," Moira scolds her under her breath as her attention is snapped away from the bulge in Erik's pants.
"Hank these are our special new recruits—everyone, this is Hank McCoy, one of our most talented young researchers."
Charles breaks rank and goes into major Mack Daddy mode. "How wonderful! Another mutant, already here...why didn't you say?" he asks The Man in Black, oozing more sex appeal than is really necessary.
"Whaaaaat?" The Man in Black asks as he channels Chris Griffin.
"Oh fuck..." says Charles then as he realizes he's totally outed Hank, "you don't know...I'm so sorry, Hank," he apologizes sincerely.
"Hank? Really?"
"You didn't ask, so I didn't tell," says Hank to the Man in Black, as we continue to get whomped over the the head with overly-obvious gay references equating the plight of mutants with homosexuals.
"So your mutation is that you're a genius?" asks Raven, more than intrigued.
"I'll say—Hank graduated from Harvard at 15," Charles informs them all.
"I wish that's all it was," Hank laments.
"You're among friends, Hank—show us what you're workin' with," Charles coaxes him softly.
***GRATUITOUS PHALLIC SYMBOL ALERT***
Hank takes off his shoes and socks to reveal his huge hand-feet. Raven and Moira both give each other a knowing smile as Charles drools all over himself and licks his lips salaciously, laughing wickedly like the total horn-dog lech that he is. Erik is still unimpressed.
Turned on by their complete acceptance of him and Raven's goofy smile, Hank further demonstrates how he hangs by jumping up on the model supersonic and attaches to it with his huge mutant roach-stompers. Raven approaches him then, unabashedly delighted.
"I'd kiss you right now, but it would be, like, such a Spider Man rip-off..."
"Yeah, there is that," he says, masking his disappointment in good humor.
Erik looks on, still unimpressed and completely grossed out at Raven's taste in men.
Somewhere in the North Atlantic Ocean Even Though We Don't Know It Yet...
Hanging with his favorite bitch-of-the-moment/bodyguard extraordinaire in the stateroom of his nuclear submarine, Sebastian Shaw watches his handiwork in the Cuban Missile Crisis play out in the news on television.
"If that telepath gets inside your head, he won't be as much fun as I am," Emma Frost tells Shaw sweetly.
"Got that shit covered—check this out..." He dons a totally kick-ass new helmet. "The Russians made me this—quick! What am I thinking?" he asks her. Emma tries to read him and then gives him a hangdog look.
"I don't know..." she says, slightly displeased. "What?"
"That you are the most exquisite thing I've ever seen in my life..."
Emma smiles her thanks at his compliment.
"After me, of course. And that this needs ice," he taps his glass with his finger.
Emma takes his glass aware that his previous compliment was more than likely a bold-faced lie and looks askance at him.
"Be a good girl and go fetch me some because this scene didn't get an establishing location title and we have to show the audience where we are and what an incredible asshole I am." He watches her go and laughs to himself. He thinks for a moment about mass-marketing the helmet and selling it to men globally and all the money he could make helping men keep bitches out of their heads, thereby enabling them to live the lives of their dreams—but quickly decides that world domination is better.
Emma heads out as Azazel and Riptide open the hatch; she climbs the ladder and we see her scrape off a chunk of ice from the sail and that the submarine is momentarily parked under an ice floe in the North Atlantic.
Back At The Covert CIA Research Base...
Raven and Hank have an intimate moment discussing their shared angst over their desire to be "normal" and Hank's progress in working on a cure.
"My blood will help you with the serum?" Raven asks Hank hopefully.
"If anybody's mutation could help it's yours," he assures her.
"So this 'cure'—it just affects appearance, not abilities, right? Cuz I totally dig impersonating other people...do you think it would work on me?"
"I could check it out—that's the least I could do for you givin' it up. The blood, I mean," he says awkwardly.
"Go ahead then, take it." He does. Finding that the injection of something through the membrane of her skin, even if it is just a needle in her arm, arouses Raven so much, she goes in for a kiss. Erik comes upon them suddenly, swagger-jacking and cock-blocking, what is most likely, Hank's first kiss ever.
"Kinky. By the way," he says to Raven, "if I looked like you I wouldn't change a thing." He looks pointedly at Hank then and saunters off, knowing that he has given Raven something to think about and effectively relegated Hank to her accursed "Friend Zone".
Later that night Erik totally steals Sebastian Shaw's file before he heads out of the building. Once outside he is approached by Charles.
"From what I know about you I'm amazed you stayed this long."
"What you ought to know about me is to stay out of my head," Erik responds menacingly.
"I know everything, Erik; I've seen what Shaw did—I can help you."
"I don't need your help, Charles."
"Of course you do. You needed it last night and I gave it to you, didn't I?"
"Did you?"
"Yeah, I did, you know I did," Charles walks up closer to him.
"Did you?" Erik comes closer to Charles.
"I did and you liked it, didn't you? Say you liked it," Charles bumps Erik's chest with his own.
"I didn't like it," he bumps him back.
"Yeah, well I liked it and if I liked it I know you liked it—swat my arse..." Charles turns around and offers it up. Erik obliges.
"Did you like that?" Erik growls at him.
"You know I liked it. Now, tell me you liked it..." Charles says seductively.
"Alright, I liked it."
"I could stop you, Erik, but I won't. You have friends here and a chance to be a part of something that's bigger than yourself."
"There's nothing bigger than myself," Erik says then, full of cool confidence.
"Too right...well, Shaw's got friends—and so do you." Charles turns and leaves him to go back inside the building.
***GRATUITOUS PHALLIC SYMBOL ALERT***
The next morning Charles sits in the Man in Black's office admiring the view of a huge ball-shaped converted radar.
"Hank converted that radar installation into a transmitter, it's like 123People from hell—a mutant-seeking stalkers delight."
"123People?" Charles asks, bewildered.
"Uh, a little something we've been working on for humans for a while," the Man in Black says nervously. "Anyway, it will amplify your brain waves and enhance your telepathic powers so that we can find other mutants to recruit."
"What if they don't want to be found by you?" comes a deep sexy voice from the doorway.
"Erik...you decided to stay," says Charles happily.
Erik stands in the doorway looking suave, sexy and totally GQ in a simple black turtleneck and grey slacks.
"If a new species is being discovered it should be by its own kind. Charles and I find the mutants—no suits."
"Wait a minute, Charles you were totally fine with the CIA being involved two minutes ago," says the Man in Black exasperatedly.
"Two minutes ago it was just you me and that big ball out there. Now he's back—look at him—I'm with him," Charles smiles at Erik.
"What if I say no?" asks the Man in Black.
"Go ahead, say no," Charles challenges him.
"No."
"Then good luck getting your big ball off without me."
"Damn it! Fine."
"I call it Cerebro," Hank says as he gives his team a tour of his transmitter.
"Hook me up, baby," says Charles excitedly.
Hank switches on the juice and the data goes off the chart. "It's working!"
Shagalicious music begins to play...
The first stop for Charles and Erik is a go-go club where they find Angel Salvadore. Erik hands her some bills.
"That's a huge wad..."
"You don't know the half of it," he assures her.
"For that you get a private dance, Daddy-O..."
Angel secures them in a private suite where we see Erik and Charles reclined on a red velvet bed.
"You know it's double for both, right?"
"Not so fast, we'll show you ours if you show us yours," says Erik with a smile.
"Not how it works around here, guys..."
Erik snaps his finger and she sees the champagne bucket float his way off of the bedside table; he pours Charles a glass. Angel lights up and unfurls her wings, then hovers before them as they toast each other.
"How about a job where you get to keep your clothes on...most of the time?" Charles asks her while trying to keep a straight face.
Next, they go for a ride in the cab of Armando Munoz.
"Where to, fellas?"
"Richmond, Virginia," Erik informs him.
"That's a six-hour drive..."
"Which gives us plenty of time to talk," says Charles as Erik flips the meter down from the back seat with just the movement of his finger.
"Is he coming, too?"
"Who?" ask Charles, looking confused.
"That guy..." Armando points to a crazy gent in a red velvet suit dancing wildly around the cab to the music.
"Austin! Piss off, will you?" Charles shouts out of the window at him irritatedly.
At some undisclosed, generic prison Charles and Erik retrieve Alex Summers from solitary confinement. To corroborate the words of the warden, who has just told them that he is the only person he knows that prefers solitary, Alex scowls at them when the door is opened, which the filmmakers totally think explains everything.
Sean Cassidy is at an aquarium, totally clueless as how to pick up girls successfully. After the worst "I like fish" come-on ever (and because he's obviously never learned that even bad porn would yield better pick-up lines—and results—than his lame shit) his cute little target blows him off. In a complete dick move he uses his sonar to fuck with a tank full of innocent fish, just because they happen to have more sex appeal than him, further assuring that his status as a virgin will remain intact. For some reason Charles and Erik think him a good addition to the team and approach him silently with a net.
Somewhere in America James Howlett sits in a bar doing what he does best when he's not going all berserker on an enemy: throwing back shots in a haze of cigar smoke and his own bad attitude, looking devastatingly handsome while he's at it. He is approached by two strangers.
"Excuse me, I'm Erik Lehnsherr..."
"Charles Xavier..."
"Go fuck yourself," he tells them forcefully. With those three little words he has netted himself a hefty check and shown the world that he will leave no X-Men franchise unturned.
Back on Sebastian Shaw's Submarine...
...Emma Frost senses trouble in her head. She lowers the periscope and goes to Azazel. "There's nothing on radar?"
"No..."
"Sonar?"
"Nyet, bitch...you did read the script didn't you?" he snaps at her.
***GRATUITOUS NUCLEAR PHALLIC SYMBOL ALERT***
She goes to Shaw where he is locked away getting up close and personal with his nuclear rods.
"Beautiful, aren't they? We are the children of the Atom..." he begins his boring inaccurate speech for the hundredth time.
"We have a situation," she cuts him off. "I can feel the telepath—his shit is way magnified, like 123People from hell—I shouldn't be able to feel him out here. And they're recruiting..."
"Go on to Russia—I'll handle them," he assures her, too cool for school and feeling every atomic particle of his nuclear viagra.
Washington, DC, The Lincoln Memorial.
***GRATUITOUS PHALLIC SYMBOL ALERT***
Charles and Erik sit at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial talking quietly over a game of chess and a grand view of the Washington Monument.
"So many minds, so little time,"Charles muses dreamily. "I can't stop thinking about them—I feel them...their isolation...their hopes...we can help them..."
"Can we? Identification...that's how it starts; being rounded-up; experimented on—next thing you know you've been grandfathered right out of your unlimited data plan..." says Erik bitterly.
"What?"
"Huh?"
"We have common enemies—they need us, Erik."
"For now."
