Tonight was the night. Tonight Yamaguchi would tell Tsukki that she was a woman.
For as long as she could remember, she had felt as though something was wrong with her body, particularly once puberty hit. But only recently had she been able to figure out what the problem was, thanks to talking with people on the internet who had experienced similar feelings. She'd had a few weeks to accept it, and now she wanted to tell someone... Tsukki, in particular. It felt as though he were the most important one to talk to; the other people in her life could come later.
She'd been agonizing over how best to go about it for around a week now, and the conclusion she'd come to was that the best time would be on the way home from volleyball practice, when the two of them tended to be alone anyway. As far as the method, well... the straightforward approach was always best with Tsukki.
It started off as it usually did. The two of them walked along with several other teammates for a few blocks before the others went their separate ways. Almost immediately, Tsukki pulled the headphones that had already been sitting on his shoulders over his ears, then he and Yamaguchi walked in peaceful silence. Despite knowing what she needed to do, Yamaguchi couldn't help enjoying this normality. Some might find it lonely to walk beside someone else without talking to them, but Yamaguchi loved it. It felt as if they were both free to be themselves, with no need for forced conversation. Yamaguchi could stare around at the familiar scenery and let her mind run wild, something she otherwise rarely seemed to have time to do. And besides, if either of them actually wanted to talk, Tsukki never had an issue with removing his headphones.
Which was exactly what she needed him to do, but... it was hard to make herself interrupt the peace for something that had the potential to go so disastrously wrong. Instead, for the moment, she stared about, taking note of the various shops and homes they passed, and which of them still had lights on. It wasn't too terribly late, so most homes still had lights shining bright from within, though several shops had already closed up. A light breeze ruffled the long hair that she'd been growing out, which she'd been doing since last year, long before she'd realized she was a woman. She still couldn't get that cowlick to work with her, though, no matter what she tried.
As they passed beneath the yellow light of a streetlamp, only a few blocks away from their respective homes, she knew it was time. With a small tap on his shoulder, she got Tsukki to stop in his tracks, staring at her quizzically. She pointed at her ears, and, taking the hint, he removed his headphones.
"What is it, Yamaguchi?" he asked in his familiar deadpan.
She couldn't help squirming a little. "Well, um, I need to talk to you..."
One eyebrow rising, and with a small nudge of his headphones, Tsukki muttered, "I had assumed as much when you wanted me to take these off."
It wasn't hard to see why others considered Tsukki a jerk, but Yamaguchi knew that generally, he really wasn't. Half the time he was just being blunt, because he saw little point in beating around the bush with things; she quite liked that aspect of him. Admittedly, though, he did have a tendency to be condescending for much of that other half.
With a small, nervous laugh, Yamaguchi rubbed the back of her head, smiling meekly. "Sorry, it's just... I'm really nervous."
Tsukki blinked and crossed his arms, which Yamaguchi could easily read as him being both confused and curious. "Well, just spit it out." He paused, then added, "...You know that's easier than dragging it out." She was glad he'd tacked that second part on... she'd been trying to get him to explain himself a little better when he talked, in the hopes that he'd irritate people less when that wasn't actually his goal.
Taking a deep breath, she said, quicker than she meant to, "Recently I figured out thatI'mawoman."
One eyebrow practically raised to his hair line, Tsukki cocked his head to the side. "Come again?"
She took another deep breath, willing herself to talk at a reasonable speed. "Recently, I figured out that I... am... a woman."
At first, Tsukki just blinked. Then he extended one arm slightly, a frown on his face, as he said, "Yamaguchi, that doesn't make any sense."
Instantly her face fell, along with her heart. She'd hoped this might go smoothly, that he might instantly understand... but it seemed that was too much to hope for. Struggling not to devolve into a puddle of frustrated tears, Yamaguchi pressed on. "It... it does make sense. Look, Tsukki, I thought I was a guy, just like you and everyone else. But... I'm not. I finally realized that."
Tsukki's arms dropped to his side, his eyes narrowed. "But you ARE a guy. I don't get what you're talking about."
Sighing, Yamaguchi tried again. "It's like... I guess you could say I feel like that's wrong. Like I'm actually a woman inside. I mean, I'm one outside too, but..."
"No you're not," Tsukki said, slightly irritated now. "I've seen you in the locker room. You're clearly a man."
"Tsukki, you're not listening to me!"
"I am listening, you're just not making any sense."
Yamaguchi groaned, scratching at the back of her hand a little. "You're getting focused on the wrong things, it's not just about body parts... You can be a woman even if you don't look like what most people think a woman looks like."
There was silence for a moment, then Tsukki, eyes still narrowed, said, "But you have a pen-"
"Shut up, Kei!" Yamaguchi yelled angrily, far louder than she'd intended. Tsukki's eyes were the widest she'd ever seen them, though they still weren't perfectly round. She had hardly ever yelled at him before, and certainly never while telling him to shut up or while using his first name.
"I thought you were smarter than that, Tsukki!" she said, still pretty loudly, tears in the corners of her eyes. "I thought you could at least somewhat understand, but you're not even trying! You're being a transphobic jerk!" Tsukki's eyes narrowed again, as though he still didn't get what she was saying, but she didn't care anymore. "I don't have to stand here and take this, and I'm not going to! If you don't want to try to understand me, then... then..." Tears overtook her eyes, and she found she couldn't say what she'd intended. It hurt too much. With one last tear-filled, angry look, she bolted, running past him toward her home, determined not to look back or let him see the tears escape her eyes. As she rushed past, she could have sworn she saw him reach out toward her, his face suddenly softer, mouth slightly ajar.
Soon she was back home, lying face-down on her bed, sobbing into her pillow. Why had it gone that way? Why couldn't he understand? Why couldn't she have just been normal, so she didn't have to deal with any of this?
She cried herself to sleep, and the next day was reluctant to go back to school. But she decided that the day after and the day after that would be no better than this one, so she might as well suffer through it. She took a different route than her usual to get to school, wanting to avoid Tsukki for as long as possible. When she got to class, he hadn't yet arrived, but she had assumed he might be a little later than normal if he had tried to wait for her. When the bell to begin class rang, however, he was still nowhere to be found, and by the time the lunch bell sounded overhead, it was apparent that Kei Tsukishima was not coming to school that day.
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Sorry this ends so badly... Please, stick around for the second chapter, it should be worth it in the end. I do love this pairing, afterall. ;P
