Title: Starfleet's Finest

Authors: Sita/T'eyla

AN: This is pure sillyness, but it was a lot of fun to write. Hope you enjoy it, please read & review!

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Did you ever see a crew as disorganized and chaotic as the Enterprise crew?

I mean, did Captain Picard and Commander Riker ever fight about where they'd left their shuttle in the middle of a gunfight? Did Lieutenant Sulu ever lose his communicator on a pre- warp planet and went looking for it in the waste basket? Did Geordi LaForge ever manage to cloak his arm? Did Captain Janeway ever call Tuvok's parents to ask them about his favourite food? Did Lieutenant Worf ever go on an away mission and come back pregnant??

Don't think so. Somehow these kind of things seem to happen only to the crew of the Enterprise NX-01. We wondered why that would be, and came up with only one solution: It must be somehow related to their pasts, since after Freud everything that's wrong with you has something to do with your childhood.

Okay, so let's have a look...

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#1 Doggy Style

Impatiently, Jonny stared down the street, looking out for the bus. On most days he didn't mind waiting at the bus stop, since usually Steve Turner was with him and they would pass the time trading baseball cards, but today Steve hadn't been at school.

Finally he saw the bus turn around the corner and sighed in relief. Today he had to get home early, since he had overslept this morning and hadn't managed to sneak off to the basement to give Carlos his breakfast. He just hoped Carlos hadn't made too much of a racket. If his dad had gone down to the basement to see what the noise was about, there would be trouble at the mill when he came home.

The bus stopped and Jonny got in, taking a seat in the back. He took a quick look around and carefully opened his lunchbox, frowning at the sight. Today he had managed to grab most of the leftover meatloaf from lunch and stuff it into his schoolbag when no one was looking, but still he wasn't sure if it was enough. Carlos was getting bigger every day, and he ate about three times as much as he had only two weeks ago. Jonny didn't know where to get all the food from, since his dad always forgot to go shopping, and hardly ever bought any meat anyway. And every time Jonny went down to the basement, Carlos had broken something else. Last time he had even managed to destroy the housing of the old electric lawn mower and all the pillows and blanket Jonny had laid out on the concrete floor for him had been ripped and chewed up. Hiding a St Bernard in the basement wasn't as easy as he'd thought it would be.

Three weeks ago Steve had asked Jonny to come by after school, saying he had something to show him. Of course Jonny had been curious, and when he'd entered the Turner's living room seeing six little St Bernard puppies romping around on the carpet, he'd known he was doomed. Ever since Steve had told him Lady, his St Bernard, was pregnant, Jonny had racked his mind how to convince his dad to allow him to have one of the puppies. After Jackie had died three month ago dad had said he didn't want a new dog since Jonny was only nine, too young to take care of a dog on his own, and he himself didn't have the time to. This time it had been no use arguing with his dad, for a change, but Jonny had never intended to give up that easily. He had told Steve's parents it was ok with his dad if he took one of the puppies, knowing they weren't going to pursue the matter since they were glad to get rid of the dogs. Jonny had picked Carlos because he had that funny look and those big paws. He knew puppies with big paws grew up to be really huge dogs one day, and Jonny had always wanted a big dog. It hadn't been easy, but he had managed to take Carlos home safe and sound and had hidden him in the store room down in the basement. Fortunately, his dad hadn't noticed anything... but Jonny hadn't really thought he would. You couldn't expect a man who had once forgotten to change out of his pajamas before he left the house to notice his son hiding a twelve-week-old St Bernard puppy in the basement. Three days ago Carlos had knocked over a box filled with empty bottles making one hell of a noise, and Jonny had been sure this time his dad would go downstairs to see what was going on, but just that day the new test results of the warp five project had come in, and his dad wouldn't have left the lab even if the house had come down. But Jonny knew he wouldn't be able to keep Carlos in the basement much longer. There was simply not enough room for the dog to run around, and it started to smell down there, too. It seemed like he would have to tell his dad, after all.

The bus stopped at the driveway, and Jonny got off, feeling rather queasy as he walked towards the house. He opened the front door and frowned. A smell of something burning was coming from the kitchen, and smoke billowed through the hallway.

Not again, Jonny thought. He dropped his schoolbag onto the floor and dashed into the kitchen. On the stove there stood a saucepan, the water boiling over, sizzling as it evaporated on the hotplate, and a red-hot frying pan – that was where the smoke came from – with two black and shrivelled up sausages in it. Letting out an exasperated sigh, Jonny turned off the stove and, grabbing the oven gloves, he pulled first the saucepan, then the frying pan off the stove and put them into the sink. He turned on the tap, wrinkling his nose at the smell as the water hit the remains of the sausages, turning them into black lumpy pulp.

Yuck, Jonny thought, there goes supper.

He went to open the window, watching as the smoke cleared out. His stomach grumbled and he gave a sigh. Seemed like he would have to share the left-over meatloaf with Carlos if he wanted to have any supper today. He left the kitchen, and picking up his schoolbag he trudged up the stairs. Dropping off the bag at his room, he opened the door to his father's study and saw Henry Archer sitting at his desk, almost hidden behind stacks and stacks of padds, books and papers.

"Hi, Dad," he said. "I'm home."

His father didn't react, which was no surprise. Jonny cleared his throat.

"Hello, Daddy!" he repeated a little louder. Henry Archer looked up startled, then smiled at him.

"Hi, Jonny, I didn't hear you coming." He sniffed. "What's that funny smell?"

"Supper," Jonny said dryly and his father's eyes widened.

"Oh, shit!" He jumped up, causing several stacks of padds to topple over, and made a dash for the door. Quickly Jonny got out of the way.

"Dad! I already took care of it!"

"Oh." His father, who'd already been halfway down the stairs, stopped in his tracks. "What exactly was I trying to cook there anyway, it smells like two dead skunks!"

Jonny rolled his eyes. "No, Dad. It's only two dead sausages."

Henry wiped his chin and glanced up at Jonny a little sheepishly. "Sorry. I meant to stay in the kitchen anyway, but then I remembered I hadn't called Morris yet about the latest test results, so I went upstairs and... then I somehow got distracted."

"I bet."

"I'm really sorry." Henry sat down on the stairs. "Are you very hungry?" he asked, looking up at his son. Jonny shrugged.

"Kinda." He sat down beside his dad. "Did you remember to go shopping today?" he asked, but he already knew the answer. Just as he had expected, Henry shook his head.

"I totally forgot about that. Morris called me this morning and harped on for hours about the new lab restriction, I just couldn't get off the phone. He's right, though, the new restriction is absolutely pointless, we don't have enough lab time as it is, and now those mindless bureaucrats – "

"Dad, you didn't go shopping which means we don't have any food in the house. What are we going to have for supper?"

Henry Archer blinked. "Well, um... I don't know. Any macaroni and cheese in the freezer?"

Jonny sighed. "We ran out of those two weeks ago, Dad."

"Oh." Henry frowned. "But there has to be some food somewhere in the house. I think I remember buying some corned beef only a few days ago, it can't be all gone yet. Let's go and see if there's anything left."

He got up and walked down the stairs, heading towards the kitchen. Jonny followed him, feeling slightly worried. He remembered the corned beef, too; he had taken it down to the basement yesterday for Carlos' supper.

As he entered the kitchen, Henry looked up, closing the door of the fridge with a puzzled look on his face. "I know I bought that corned beef only two days ago. Did you eat it?"

Jonny tried to look innocent. "Dad, you know perfectly well I don't eat corned beef. Maybe you left it at the store after you bought it."

"Harhar." His dad opened the cupboard and started to rummage through its contents. "Seems like we've run out of cereal too."

Jonny went to the fridge and opened it. It was empty except for a packet of baloney and a big bottle of ketchup. He bent down to open the freezer, and sighed when he saw what was in there.

"Dad, you put the jam in the freezer again!"

"Oh no!" Henry came over, took a look at the freezer's contents and wrinkled his nose. "Ugh, grouse." He sat down on one of the kitchen chairs. "Well son, we can either have frozen strawberry jam with cereal crumbs for supper, or we can call a pizza."

"Pizza," Jonny said emphatically. "I want cheese and pepperoni."

"Yessir." Henry got up. Picking up the pizza service menue that was lying on the counter, he walked over to the phone.

"This is getting quite expensive," he muttered, frowning as he looked through the menue. Just that moment, the telephone rang. Henry picked up the receiver.

"Archer." He paused. "Ah, Morris! Did you get the new results yet?"

Jonny sighed. No supper today, he thought, turning around and heading for the stairs. At least he could get Carlos his dinner. He got his lunchbox from upstairs and, taking a quick look at his dad who was scribbling away on a notepadd and talking at the same time, he quietly opened the basement door and went down the stairs.

Heading for the store room in the back he already heard loud shuffling and scratching behind the door. As he opened the door, Carlos almost knocked him down, licking Jonny's face with his rough tongue, his big paws on Jonny's shoulders.

"Shh, Carlos, be quiet!" He pushed the dog back into the room, quickly closing the door behind him. Carlos, in the meantime, had discovered the lunchbox in Jonny's hand and was sniffing eagerly, his tail wagging like crazy.

"Alright, alright. Here you go, old boy." Jonny emptied the meatloaf onto the floor and, sitting down on one of the blankets, he watched Carlos as he gobbled down his supper.

He *is* getting quite big, he thought. And he's still only a puppy.

Steve had said that St Bernard dogs weren't fully grown until they were at least one and a half years old. And the bigger they got, the more they ate. Jonny watched Carlos, who was licking up the last few crumbs of meatloaf off the floor, sniffing around for more, and felt slightly guilty.

I've got to get him out of here, he thought. I'll have to tell dad after all.

Jonny picked up the lunchbox and, scraping together the rest of the meatloaf, he held out his hand.

"Here, I found you some more." Wagging his tail, Carlos came over, and the sorry remains of Jonny's school lunch were gone in no time. Absentmindedly, Jonny scratched Carlos behind the ears, and the dog buried his head in the crook of his arm.

"D'you think dad would notice if I just took you upstairs?"

Carlos looked up at him with big brown puppy eyes, wagging his tail. Jonny sighed.

"He probably would, wouldn't he? At least after a few days."

Carlos snuggled closer again and Jonny petted the dog's back, thinking. He couldn't possibly keep Carlos down here in the basement any longer. He bit his lip. Dad was going to kill him if he found out. After Jackie had died, he'd said they were absolutely not getting a new dog until Jonny was old enough to take care of it on his own. Jonny supposed there had to be other reasons as well since he'd taken care of Jackie pretty much on his own, too. But there was no way he'd let his dad take Carlos away. Dad had his warp engine, and he had his dog; it had always been that way. He looked down at Carlos, who'd fallen asleep next to him.

"Well, I'll just have to think of something," he said. Giving Carlos one last pat on the head he got up, heading for the door.

As he opened the basement door, his father was nowhere to be seen. The phone was gone as well and Jonny knew his dad was upstairs in his study, talking to Morris about the latest test results. Henry Archer was not going to call the pizza service today.

Jonny went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. Checking every small compartment, he found three slices of cheese, half an onion and a strange-looking brown something which might have been a lemon once. After he'd gotten rid of the ancient lemon, Jonny lined up cheese, onion, ketchup and baloney on the kitchen table and frowned. Somehow it still didn't look like a decent supper. Rummaging through the kitchen cupboards, he finally found a packet of bagels among the tupperware. They looked alright to Jonny, even though they were a little grey. Satisfied, he put them on the table with the other stuff, got a knife from the cutlery drawer and started to make sandwiches. The bagels were quite dry, so Jonny covered them generously in ketchup to drown the taste. Decorating each sandwich with an onion ring, he put them onto a plate and carried them up the stairs. As he opened the door of the study, his father just put the phone down. Henry's eyes were glued to the computer screen and he never noticed Jonny coming up beside his desk.

Jonny cleared his throat. "Hey, Dad. I fixed us some sandwiches, do you want one?"

"What?" Henry Archer turned his head, a confused look on his face. "Oh, thanks, Jonny."

Looking back at the screen he grabbed one of the bagels and took a bite, wiping off the ketchup which was running down his chin. Jonny sat down on the floor beside the desk, taking one of the sandwiches from the plate.

Should have brought a napkin, he thought as the ketchup dripped down onto the carpet. He watched his dad who was totally absorbed in his work. After a while Jonny spoke up again.

"You know what, we wrote a math quiz today."

His dad grunted, looking through a stack of padds.

"I think I got all the answers right, except the last one. That one wasn't easy."

"Uhu." One of the padds fell to the floor and his dad bent down, groping around for it under the desk.

"You had to multiply three fractions with real high numbers. I hate fractions."

"Good for you." His dad had retrieved the padd and put it back onto the stack. Jonny regarded him thoughtfully.

"I need money. Lots of money. Would you give some?"

His dad stared at the computer screen and frowned. "Sure Jonny."

"I'm going to rob the bank tomorrow."

Henry leafed through his notes. "That's nice."

Jonny took a deep breath. "I got a St Bernard in the basement. Can I keep him?"

His dad nodded absentmindedly. "Yeah sure."

"Thanks Dad." Picking up the plate with the remaining sandwiches, Jonny got up. He couldn't believe it, but it had worked. He left the room and quietly closed the door behind him.

Time to let you out of prison, Carlos, he thought heading down the stairs, a big grin on his face as he opened the basement door.

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Note: All you need is a good strategy.

Part #2 coming up soon...