A/N: Welcome to Days of Our Lives meets Jerry Springer meets Naruto. I assure you all that I am smoking nothing illegal, although you might not believe me towards the end of this. Actually, I can assure you that 80% of this is reality. People are frightening in their stupidity.
This is just the prologue, which will hopefully set the scene fairly well. The real insanity starts in the next chapter. Foreseeable pairings are GaaraNaru, SasuNaru, GaaraSaku, TentenSasu and SakuNeji. See? Insanity. If you want serious, go check out my other fic, Blood Red.
Reviews will make the crack come faster. Much faster, actually.
Warnings: AU, character bastardization, yaoi, het, language, infidelity, complete and utter stupditiy. It's supposed to be funny, in a really omgwtf kind of way.
Disclaimer: I take no responsibility for any implosions of brains or bashing of heads that occur as a result of reading this fic. I don't actually do this stuff. I just record it (and snicker at it). Also, I don't own Naruto. But I'm sure you could have guessed that, since I'm about to bastardize the characters three ways from Sunday for my own (and your) amusement.
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When he was young, Naruto possessed a wild imagination. Once upon a time, he had envisioned himself climbing mountains, slaying monsters, maybe even becoming the president someday. He had fancied himself the best of the best, imagined that nothing could ever get in his way or hold him back.
Then reality had knocked him upside the head.
He wasn't much of a prankster anymore. He wasn't envisioning himself climbing mountains or slaying monsters or becoming president, either. Life had gotten in the way of his dreams.
Reality was that he and his parents had had a fight when he was fifteen that was still unresolved now, almost twenty years later. Reality was that he had been married once and divorced within a year. Reality was that he was living now with a partner and three adopted children in a trailer in the middle of a desert that was falling apart after ten years of neglectful occupancy. Reality was that he was unemployed, that he was home schooling his three children while Gaara, his partner, worked for a measly ten bucks an hour at a dead-end job. Reality was that after ten years of living with Gaara, he was hopelessly addicted to the internet. In fact, he routinely spent more than ten hours a day in front of his computer, often neglecting housework, the only thing Gaara ever asked of him, in favor of putzing around online. It was his only means of escape.
Nice life, huh?
Actually, in a strange way, the whole situation sat quite well with Naruto. It wasn't what he had imagined as a child, but it was a fairly good life nonetheless. He enjoyed his relative lack of responsibility and the limited escape that the internet provided. Even though he was rather cold and distant, Gaara was not a bad partner. They straddled the line of poverty, but that was okay because they had what they really needed. They had clothes, food and a roof over their heads, and in their own way, they loved one another. Besides, there were always the three children.
Konohamaru, Moegi and Udon were Naruto's pride and joy. With the three of them constantly in his presence, he was never alone, never completely isolated. What did he need his parents for when he had such wonderful kids? He adored his children, was proud of the academic prowess that they all showed as he home schooled them. Even though it meant that he and Gaara often had to go without, Naruto rarely felt guilty about spending the large majority of their meager income on his children.
Life with Gaara could have been a lot worse. They got along fairly well when they had to, and the rest of the time they simply coexisted in silence. Between Gaara's job, Naruto's internet addiction and the kids, they rarely saw one another alone for any extended amount of time. When they did find time to spend together, they typically didn't talk much, didn't do much of anything. They had sex, and that was about it. Gaara was very, very good in bed. That was probably what Naruto liked best about him. Maybe that was why he had decided to spend his life with the silent man, committed in all but actual marriage vows. One marriage had been enough for Naruto.
Although he despised the desert he lived in, knew that he and Gaara could do much better for themselves, he tolerated it as best he could. They were there because of Gaara's family, renting the trailer from his brother and sister. It would be a lie to say that Gaara and his siblings were close, but family was family was family. In their own way, they looked out for one another. Naruto didn't agree, but he respected his partner's wish. It was best not to anger Gaara unnecessarily, and since the man was providing for him and his children Naruto really couldn't complain.
So he escaped to the internet, hiding in the trailer that was falling apart around him and emerging only when he had to perform parental duties for his children or when Sakura, his best friend, managed to coax him out.
He spent his days role playing, often allowing his words to help him escape to the worlds that he knew he would never be able to find in real life. His frequent attendance in many of these role playing venues earned him friends, loyal followers who spent more time with him each day than his own family.
From time to time, one of these followers would move into the role of significant other for Naruto in the games they played. Gaara was always duly informed of these relationships, but he never particularly cared. They were internet people; to him, they weren't real. As long as Naruto never allowed these pretend relationships affect his real life, he was allowed to do as he pleased without recourse. This attitude kept the peace for years.
Almost every day passed like the one before, rarely changing or deviating from the norm. He woke, spent hours upon hours dividing his attention between his computer and his children, occasionally fooled around with Gaara and then went to sleep to start all over the next day.
Then, one day, everything changed. That was the day he met Sasuke.
This is just the prologue, which will hopefully set the scene fairly well. The real insanity starts in the next chapter. Foreseeable pairings are GaaraNaru, SasuNaru, GaaraSaku, TentenSasu and SakuNeji. See? Insanity. If you want serious, go check out my other fic, Blood Red.
Reviews will make the crack come faster. Much faster, actually.
Warnings: AU, character bastardization, yaoi, het, language, infidelity, complete and utter stupditiy. It's supposed to be funny, in a really omgwtf kind of way.
Disclaimer: I take no responsibility for any implosions of brains or bashing of heads that occur as a result of reading this fic. I don't actually do this stuff. I just record it (and snicker at it). Also, I don't own Naruto. But I'm sure you could have guessed that, since I'm about to bastardize the characters three ways from Sunday for my own (and your) amusement.
............................................................................ ..............................
When he was young, Naruto possessed a wild imagination. Once upon a time, he had envisioned himself climbing mountains, slaying monsters, maybe even becoming the president someday. He had fancied himself the best of the best, imagined that nothing could ever get in his way or hold him back.
Then reality had knocked him upside the head.
He wasn't much of a prankster anymore. He wasn't envisioning himself climbing mountains or slaying monsters or becoming president, either. Life had gotten in the way of his dreams.
Reality was that he and his parents had had a fight when he was fifteen that was still unresolved now, almost twenty years later. Reality was that he had been married once and divorced within a year. Reality was that he was living now with a partner and three adopted children in a trailer in the middle of a desert that was falling apart after ten years of neglectful occupancy. Reality was that he was unemployed, that he was home schooling his three children while Gaara, his partner, worked for a measly ten bucks an hour at a dead-end job. Reality was that after ten years of living with Gaara, he was hopelessly addicted to the internet. In fact, he routinely spent more than ten hours a day in front of his computer, often neglecting housework, the only thing Gaara ever asked of him, in favor of putzing around online. It was his only means of escape.
Nice life, huh?
Actually, in a strange way, the whole situation sat quite well with Naruto. It wasn't what he had imagined as a child, but it was a fairly good life nonetheless. He enjoyed his relative lack of responsibility and the limited escape that the internet provided. Even though he was rather cold and distant, Gaara was not a bad partner. They straddled the line of poverty, but that was okay because they had what they really needed. They had clothes, food and a roof over their heads, and in their own way, they loved one another. Besides, there were always the three children.
Konohamaru, Moegi and Udon were Naruto's pride and joy. With the three of them constantly in his presence, he was never alone, never completely isolated. What did he need his parents for when he had such wonderful kids? He adored his children, was proud of the academic prowess that they all showed as he home schooled them. Even though it meant that he and Gaara often had to go without, Naruto rarely felt guilty about spending the large majority of their meager income on his children.
Life with Gaara could have been a lot worse. They got along fairly well when they had to, and the rest of the time they simply coexisted in silence. Between Gaara's job, Naruto's internet addiction and the kids, they rarely saw one another alone for any extended amount of time. When they did find time to spend together, they typically didn't talk much, didn't do much of anything. They had sex, and that was about it. Gaara was very, very good in bed. That was probably what Naruto liked best about him. Maybe that was why he had decided to spend his life with the silent man, committed in all but actual marriage vows. One marriage had been enough for Naruto.
Although he despised the desert he lived in, knew that he and Gaara could do much better for themselves, he tolerated it as best he could. They were there because of Gaara's family, renting the trailer from his brother and sister. It would be a lie to say that Gaara and his siblings were close, but family was family was family. In their own way, they looked out for one another. Naruto didn't agree, but he respected his partner's wish. It was best not to anger Gaara unnecessarily, and since the man was providing for him and his children Naruto really couldn't complain.
So he escaped to the internet, hiding in the trailer that was falling apart around him and emerging only when he had to perform parental duties for his children or when Sakura, his best friend, managed to coax him out.
He spent his days role playing, often allowing his words to help him escape to the worlds that he knew he would never be able to find in real life. His frequent attendance in many of these role playing venues earned him friends, loyal followers who spent more time with him each day than his own family.
From time to time, one of these followers would move into the role of significant other for Naruto in the games they played. Gaara was always duly informed of these relationships, but he never particularly cared. They were internet people; to him, they weren't real. As long as Naruto never allowed these pretend relationships affect his real life, he was allowed to do as he pleased without recourse. This attitude kept the peace for years.
Almost every day passed like the one before, rarely changing or deviating from the norm. He woke, spent hours upon hours dividing his attention between his computer and his children, occasionally fooled around with Gaara and then went to sleep to start all over the next day.
Then, one day, everything changed. That was the day he met Sasuke.
