He could see the path in front of him very clearly: He could hand back the book, walk away from Magnus, find someone else, some Shadowhunter to love, be with him, share the kinship of predictable days and nights, the daily poetry of an ordinary life.

Or he could take the step out into nothingness and choose Magnus, the far stranger poetry of him, his brilliance and anger, his sulks and joys, the extraordinary abilities of his magic and the no less breathtaking magic of the extraordinary way he loved.

Alec sighed. He was afraid, afraid of getting hurt again, of not being what Magnus wanted, of not being able to handle the consequences of their love. He took a deep breath, and handed back the journal. He mustered every ounce of strength he possessed, rose to his feet, and walked away. He didn't look back. He couldn't bare to see the pain he knew was etched into Magnus's face.

Alec shook his head free of the memory. A relationship with Magnus would have been too hard. Love shouldn't be that difficult. There shouldn't be so many barriers down the path of true love. He had been overwhelmed, and made his decision. And it had been the right decision…it had. Perhaps one day he would believe that.

"Hey, baby," a voice said, drawing Alec from his thoughts. He cringed at the use of the term 'baby.' He had never been one for pet names, of that Magnus could attest. Magnus. By the angel he had to stop thinking about Magnus. Ten years had passed since that night on the rooftop in Alicante. It was long past time he got over this.

He turned to his boyfriend, and forced a smile. "Hey."

Ethan leaned in and kissed him gently on the lips. "What are you doing out here in the cold?" he asked, his voice slightly tainted with concern.

"I'm not cold," he answered automatically. He wasn't. If anything, he was numb. He looked out over the muddy brown Ohio River as it snaked it's way through the city he now called home: Louisville, Kentucky. He had spent two years in Alicante after the war. He told everyone he wanted to learn from the Clave and the Consel, but in reality, he was hiding. He knew that Alicante was the one place his warlock ex-boyfriend couldn't reach him, not without permission.

During that time, the Clave decided to build an Institute in Louisville. Up until then, Louisville had been a smaller, more intimate city. But it's growth had catapulted, bringing with it a demon population that scarcely had been a problem for the city before. When the Institute was complete, Alec was offered the job of heading it. He eagerly accepted. He had always wanted to head an Institute, but knew he was too young and inexperienced to get one in a major city like New York, Los Angeles or Chicago. This was his chance, his fresh start at a new life.

This was also where he met Ethan. Ethan had shown up at the Institute needing a place to stay. Since all Institutes were freely accessible to Shadowhunters, he had taken up residence, and decided to stay much longer than his original plan. Ethan was attractive, strong and tall, with sandy brown hair and piercing green eyes. He wasn't flashy like Magnus. Hell, he was nothing like Magnus. He was sweet and friendly, and eventually caught Alec's eye romantically. They talked openly and freely, except that Alec avoided ever taking about Magnus. They trained together, and eventually, they fell in love. Their relationship had been exactly as he had predicted in his thoughts that night on the rooftop in Alicante: safe, predictable, ordinary.

Ethan knew about Magnus of course, but to Alec's knowledge, all he knew was that Alec and Magnus had dated briefly. He knew that after their break-up, Magnus was among the people captured by Sebastian during the war, and Alec had gone with Jace and the others to rescue the hostages. Alec made it sound like he was just going to protect Jace, his parabatai, and the others and to fulfill his duty as Shadowhunter. He had never mentioned anything about Magnus trying to get him back when they returned from Edom. No, that he kept very close to the vest, protecting himself with his secrets.

"Alec? Are you even listening to me?" Ethan said.

"What?" he said, shaking his head clear again. "I'm sorry. You know how I get this time of year."

Ethan nodded, and Alec was struck with a pang of guilt.

Ethan took his hand, and Alec noted the stark contrast between the warmth of Ethan and the cold of his own hand. It really was too cold to be sitting outside thinking. "Come on," Ethan said, pulling Alec to his feet and leading him back inside.

The Louisville Institute was much smaller than the one he had grown up in. It wasn't much bigger than a small warehouse, really. It had the usual basic rooms: kitchen, library, weapons room, training room, and approximately twenty bedrooms and bathrooms. Nothing big, nothing fancy. It didn't have the castle-like feel of the ancient Institutes, like London, or even the cathedral feel of the one in Manhattan. It was small, and quaint, and Alec liked it that way.

Ethan led him to the library, Alec's favorite place to sit and reflect on his life. He usually preferred to do this alone, but Ethan stayed today. Ethan rubbed Alec's hands between his own to warm them, seating him next to the fireplace, and then wrapped a blanket around his shoulders. Strictly speaking, Alec didn't care much for being pampered, but accepted Ethan's attempt without comment.

"I want to ask you something, Alec," Ethan said, and Alec could feel a tremble in the hands that were holding his. He lifted his eyes to meet Ethan's, and smiled at the love he saw reflected there. With an unexplained sense of foreboding, he nodded encouragingly to Ethan. Ethan cleared his throat and said, "You know I love you. I have since the day I met you. I want to spend our lives together, Alec. Will you marry me?"

Alec sucked in a harsh breath. He had not been expecting a proposal, though he had feared one would come eventually. His mind was racing. What should he do? What should he say? He loved Ethan, he really did, but he still loved Magnus so very much. His heart was torn, and somehow, he didn't think that was the best way to start a marriage. Ethan had been his boyfriend for more than six years. They shared a home in the form of the Institute, they shared a bed, they shared a life. But marriage? How could it possibly be fair to Ethan to marry him when Magnus still had a piece of his heart, a rather large piece at that.

He realized Ethan was still nervously waiting for an answer. He smiled sadly at him. "Gay marriage isn't legal in Kentucky," he said, and kissed him gently.


Alec watched as Ethan collected their bags from the luggage carousel. They had taken a short flight to New York for Christmas, and the airport was bustling with activity. When Ethan drew near, he fell into step beside him and they exited the building. Alec hailed a cab, and gave the driver the address to the Institute.

Alec wished they could have created a Portal to New York instead of flying, but the Shadow World was still fairly sparse in Louisville, and the only warlock around had been quite busy doing other things. Besides, he tried to avoid warlocks as much as possible, the only exception being when he was going to New York and needed to make sure that Magnus was not going to be there. He knew the city was not big enough for both of them, even all these years later.

Magnus had left his apartment in Brooklyn after the war. He was traveling, never staying too long in one place. Alec's informants said he was sightseeing, but Alec knew better. Magnus didn't want to risk running into him any more than he wanted to run into Magnus. As far as Alec knew Magnus had not returned to New York since their break-up.

The cab pulled up outside the Institute and Ethan retrieved their luggage from the trunk, then paid the driver. After a skeptical look at the dilapidated building and a concerned glance at the two men, the cabbie roared away and was quickly consumed by traffic.

Alec led the way to the huge front doors of his childhood home, a place he no longer felt comfortable. Of course, that wasn't the fault of the Institute, or even it's occupants. It was the city in general. He had returned for holidays and special occasions, like Jace and Clary's wedding, and every time he got a sick, restless feeling. He felt the anxiety starting to build in him now as he laid his hands on the doors, which immediately parted to allow them entrance.

He barely noticed the clang of the metal elevator as it carried them to the upper floors, or the screech as it halted. They spilled into the corridor that led to the kitchen and Alec reflexively looked around for Church, even though he knew that cat no longer lived there. Yet another piece of his childhood that was gone, though he didn't really miss the cat. Church had been quite a menace when he wanted to be.

The sounds of plates clattering and the clink of cutlery reached them far before the got to the kitchen. The din of his family's chatter burst from the room as he opened the door, then all went silent as everyone turned to stare at the intruders. A moment later, a ruckus ensued, in which he barely discerned the high-pitched squeal of his sister just before she threw her arms around him.

He hugged Izzy tightly, as one by one he was greeted by his family. He had to admit it was good to see them. He missed them very much when he was holed up in Louisville, but that didn't detract from the tightening knot in his stomach, the sense of urgency that he knew there was only one way to cast aside.

He helped his family carry the abundance of food to the table in the adjoining dining room. He tried to focus on the conversations around him, but as always, his mind returned to Magnus every time he set foot in New York. Memories flooded him as turkey and stuffing and potatoes and jam cake were passed around the table. He absently piled food onto his plate as he remembered the precise color of Magnus's eyes, and the feel of Magnus's hands on his hips.

He pushed his food around his plate, not really eating anything, as the excited babble continued around him. Unbidden, Ethan's proposal popped into his mind, conflicting harshly with his memories of Magnus. He wasn't sure how much more he could take before he exploded. He really needed to get away, to be alone for a bit.

"Alexander? What do you think?"

At the sound of his name, his head shot up. He had no idea who had spoken to him, or what they had said. He had been lost inside his own mind. How pathetic for this to still be happening to him ten years later…

His eyes landed on Jace first, who thankfully darted his eyes between him and his mother, silently conveying that she was the one who was speaking to him. Jace smiled at the look of relief on Alec's face. He turned to his mother and said, "I'm sorry, mom. What did you say?"

Ethan was looking rather excited about something, which immediately put him on edge. His mother smiled indulgently at him, which was odd in itself. "I said, I am planning to retire and move back to Idris. Your father and I are going to try to work things out between us."

"Oh, that's great, mom," Alec said, relieved.

She smiled again. "I also said that I would like you to take over for me here, running the Institute."

Alec's mouth fell open. Was she serious? She wanted him to move back to New York? How could he do that when he couldn't even be in the city without wanting to escape. The knot in his stomach was worsening by the minute. He really needed to get out of there, get some fresh air, be alone.

Fortunately, his mother told him to think about it, and everyone headed to the library to get more comfortable. Alec pulled Jace aside as the others filed out of the room. Jace was the only one who knew or understood what Alec was feeling right now. He could talk to him.

"I need to go for a walk," Alec said without preamble.

Jace nodded. "I'm sure Maryse's request was difficult for you."

Alec shifted back and forth on his feet. "Ethan asked me to marry him."

Jace's eyes widened, and he swore under his breath. It was immediately clear that Jace understood what was going through Alec's mind at that moment, and his need to get away, clear his head. "Get out of here," Jace said. "I'll cover for you."

Relief flooded Alec's body and his shoulders sagged with it. "Thanks. I owe you one."

Jace snorted. "You owe me a lot more than one, Lightwood." Then he shoved him down the hall toward the elevator.

As soon as the crisp, cold air hit Alec's face he began to feel better. He started jogging, then full out running down the sidewalk, the tension draining from him as he went. He set no course, though he knew where he would end up. He just let his feet take him. The sounds of the city, people talking and car horns blowing, were merely background noise as he lost himself in his run. The sharp burn of his lungs as he drew in the cold air was a liberating feeling for him. The ache in his legs spurred him on. Pain was good. Pain was understood. Pain was comforting.

All too quickly, he found himself on an all too familiar street. His pace slowed to a jog, then a walk, and then he stopped completely. He looked up at the building that had held his life, even if only briefly. The building where he had received his first kiss, pushed against the wall outside Magnus's apartment. The building where he had fallen in love with a glittery, centuries-old warlock. The building where he had lost his virginity, sprawled out on Magnus's bed, completely and utterly in love.

The building had not changed, not that he had expected it to. The same rainbow curtains hung over Magnus's bedroom window. The same door kept him separate from the place he had once thought of as home. Everything was dark and quiet, and sad. But for some reason, just standing outside the building eased his mind, and brought rest to his soul. It was inexplicable, for he didn't actually want to see Magnus. But Magnus was like a drug to him, and he was certainly an addict. Standing outside the apartment building was his fix.

As he stared at the building, some song lyrics popped into his head unbidden. "Is it really him or the loss of my innocence I've been missing so much?" Alec wasn't sure he had an answer for that question. His relationship with Magnus had been so turbulent, the good times were really good, but the bad times...All he knew was that he had never felt the way Magnus made him feel, before or since.

When he glanced back up to Magnus's window, the light was on. In ten years of him paying homage, the light had never been on. He was suddenly on alert. He knew Magnus was still avoiding New York and had not been back to his apartment in years. So who was there now?

A shadow passed across the window, blurry and indistinct. Then, he heard a loud crashing sound. What was going on? Had someone broken into Magnus's home, knowing the warlock had not been there for a long time? If so, how did they get past the defensive spells Magnus had surely left in place? There was no way a mundane could have done it, so the intruder must be from the Shadow World, and must be magical. Another warlock? A Faery? He didn't know.

There was also the question of why had someone broken in. What did they hope to gain? An image of Magnus's extensive collection of spell books crept into his mind, along with fear. He had no idea what was in some of those spell books. If they fell into the wrong hands, he was sure the consequences could be dangerous, even catastrophic. Look at what Sebastian had managed to accomplish, and he wasn't even a warlock.

Without further hesitation, Alec darted across the street to the apartment building. He used his stele to create an opening rune to let himself into the building, and took the rickety flight of stairs two at a time. He listened intently outside Magnus's apartment, but didn't hear any further noises. His hand rested on the door knob and gently turned. It was open.

He pushed the door open as silently as possible, a small sliver of light illuminating the hallway and growing wider as the door eased further open. A quick survey of the room told him it was empty and everything appeared to be in its natural place. The kitchen and dining areas were dark, as were the other bedrooms down the hall. The only light came from Magnus's bedroom.

Alec thanked the Angel for the soundless rune as he moved silently down the hallway. Magnus's bedroom door was ajar, and he heard an angry voice grumble something indistinct. He withdrew a dagger from his belt. He was not heavily armed, as it was Christmas and he had not been in gear when he left the Institute, but years of living in the Shadow World had taught him to never be completely defenseless. He drew the dagger up past his ear as he forced his way into the room, ready for whatever awaited him.

Only he was not ready for what awaited him. He was not ready for the outburst of shock from the familiar figure inside the room. He was not ready to come face to face with the man that haunted his dreams.

"Alexander!" Magnus shouted, his hand flying up to cover his heart, shock plainly written all over his face. "What the hell are you doing here?" He stood in the midst of what looked like the contents of half a dozen boxes tumped upside down. Papers and books and clothes and miscellaneous items littered the floor around him.

"Magnus?" Alec said, his voice just as stunned.

Recovering from the unexpected surprise of seeing his ex-boyfriend materialize in his bedroom, Magnus said, "Alec, could you please put your weapon away?"

Alec had completely forgotten about the dagger, still raised by his head. It seemed he had also forgotten how to breathe and speak, and perhaps his heart had forgotten to beat. No, it was beating. It was hammering against his ribs as if trying to break free. Alec slowly lowered the weapon, instinctively replacing it in his belt. He didn't take his eyes off Magnus.

"Wh-what are you doing here?" he stammered.

Magnus cocked an eyebrow. "I could ask you the same thing, considering this is my apartment," he replied pointedly.

Alec laughed sheepishly, and ran his hand through his hair. "I…I thought someone had broken in. I…"

Magnus looked bemused. "You came to rescue me?"

Alec dropped his gaze, toeing at a stray ball on the floor. He had no idea what the ball was, or what, if anything, it did. And he couldn't believe that was what his mind was focusing on at the moment. "I didn't know you would be here," he whispered.

"I see," Magnus said, and something in his voice made Alec look up. What had he heard? Surely his words hadn't hurt Magnus. The implications were too huge.

"I shouldn't be here," Alec said hurriedly. "I'm sorry for barging in." He looked around the room, not seeing any of the mess. "It looks like you have everything under control here."

He turned to go, and Magnus said, "Wait! Please, Alec. Can't you stay for a few minutes?"

Alec hesitated. "I don't know, Magnus."

Magnus moved closer to him and Alec's body thrummed from the close proximity. He was wound tighter than a drum. Seemingly unaware of Alec's response to him, Magnus said, "It's been ten years, Alec. Just stay for a little while, please."

Alec found he was unable to speak. He nodded his head and watched as Magnus flicked his hand, righting all the mess in his room, and then led him into the living room. He sank onto the familiar couch as a barrage of images raced through his mind. Kissing in front of the fireplace, Alec resting with his head on Magnus's lap, making love on this very couch.

He was no longer in control of his mind, and seriously doubted he had much control of his body. Magnus sat down next to him, and smiled cautiously. "Are you alright?" He spoke as if talking to a frightened animal, and maybe that was an accurate description of him right now.

Alec shook his head. "My boyfriend asked me to marry him," he blurted. His eyes widened when he realized what he had said. Why the hell had he said that to Magnus? It was none of his business, and not something he wanted to discuss. Apparently his mind really had checked out of the conversation.

Magnus gazed back at him stoically. "And what did you say?"

"I told him gay marriage wasn't legal in Kentucky," Alec said to his hands.

Magnus stifled a grin. "I didn't realize Shadowhunters obeyed mundane laws."

"We don't."

"I see."

Alec looked up at that. Did Magnus see? Did he know how Alec felt? Surely not. No one in their right mind would still harbor feelings for someone they had a three month relationship with ten years ago. He put his head back in his hands, trying to calm his emotions.

"Why are you here, Alec?"

"I always come here when I'm in town," Alec said, again without thinking. He closed his eyes, knowing Magnus was watching him. He heard a sharp intake of breath.

"Why?"

The intensity of Magnus's gaze warmed him, and did nothing to steady his mind or nerves. He answered reflexively. "Because I still love you."

He heard the couch springs groan, felt the dip as Magnus settled closer to him. Then suddenly he was in Magnus's arms, and Magnus was kissing him. He was launched into a tailspin, a mixture of his past and the feelings that were reawakening in him. His passion for Magnus had always been high. He had kissed the man in front of the entire Clave, for Angel's sake.

He found himself straddling Magnus's lap, with no recollection of how he got in that position. His palms cupped Magnus's cheeks as he kissed him with such force that he pressed Magnus's head into the back of the couch. If he was too rough, Magnus wasn't complaining. Magnus kissed him back just as fiercely, as if his whole life depended on it.

He lost himself in the kiss, in the feel of Magnus's arms around him, holding him tightly. The last ten years melted away and he was eighteen years old, wanting desperately to make love to his boyfriend. He pressed his body to Magnus's, arching against him and rocking his hips to grind against his pelvis. Magnus moaned against his mouth. How many times had he made Magnus do that in the past?

Magnus's hands slid beneath his shirt, and he felt pricks of electricity every place their skin contacted. His senses were heightened, and he reacted to every one of Magnus's touches. He felt the material of his shirt rise and the cool air kiss his skin. He raised his arms, momentarily breaking from the kiss to allow Magnus to remove his shirt and cast it aside. Then, he was on Magnus again in a flash. He could practically feel the steam rising from his body, hear the sizzle of the passion between them.

He wanted to feel Magnus's skin against his, and before he could stop himself, he gripped the edges of Magnus's button-up shirt and ripped them apart. Buttons clattered to the floor giving Alec satisfaction in his own power. Stoked by Alec's ferocity, Magnus kissed him harder, forcing his tongue into Alec's mouth, tasting him. Alec groaned as Magnus's tongue brushed his, sending a quiver through his body. Their movements were urgent, uncontrolled, greedy.

Magnus's hands slid down Alec's body, stopping at his waistband. He felt the tug of his belt buckle being loosed, and the brush of leather as the ends parted. Magnus unfastened his pants, letting the fly hang open and giving Alec much needed relief of his burgeoning erection. Alec's hands were tangled in Magnus's hair, holding him still while he kissed him breathless. He felt the stiff fabric of Magnus's pants opening and grazing against his bare abdomen.

There was no more they could do in this position. Alec slid off Magnus's lap, stepping on the hem of his pants and drawing them off his body. He stood before Magnus, naked save for his underwear, which were tented away from his body suggestively. Magnus's eyes raked his body, full of undisguised passion and lust, and maybe something else that Alec was hesitant to name. He reached up, gripped the edges of Alec's boxers and tugged them off. There was no mistaking the look of anticipation on Magnus's face.

Alec caught Magnus's hands as they rested on his hips and drew him to his feet. He slipped his hands below the waistband of Magnus's tight jeans and wriggled them free. He was suddenly unsure what to do next. Should he shove Magnus back down on the couch or take him to the bedroom? In his moment of indecision, Magnus wrapped him in his arms and pressed him toward the hallway.

Alec's primal reactions reengaged, and he shoved Magnus against the wall. He pressed his body into Magnus's as his lips reclaimed what was his. The kiss was so hot, so frenzied, so full of need. He felt Magnus's hand against the back of his head, the other positioned at the small of his back, and he pushed against Magnus, craving more contact, more touches, more kisses, more, more, more.

They spun around, and tumbled into the bedroom. The backs of Alec's knees contacted the edge of the mattress and gave out. He landed, ungracefully, on the mattress and Magnus wasted no time climbing on top of him.

In that moment, when everything became very real, Magnus paused, looking down at Alec as if waiting for permission. Like Alec hadn't just attacked him on the couch? He gave no thought to the situation, no hint of hesitation, no consideration for the consequences. He placed his palms against Magnus's cheeks and brought their mouths back together, giving Magnus all the permission he needed to continue.

As Magnus slid inside Alec, Alec let out a shamelessly wanton groan. He felt Magnus's body tremble against him as he buried himself deep in Alec's warmth. His body acted from memory, finding Magnus's most sensitive places with ease, touching him in ways he knew would drive the warlock crazy. He was not disappointed. Magnus's body reacted to his touch just as he knew it would. He could feel the raw tension in his coiled muscles, the strain of those muscles as he sought to give Alec pleasure.

Alec writhed beneath him, his hands burning a fiery trail along Magnus's body, groping him, coaxing him, begging him for more. Magnus's hot breath came out in harsh pants against Alec's flesh, sending ripples of goose flesh across his skin. Alec threw his head back against the pillow, his body tightening in pleasure and meeting Magnus with every thrust. Magnus's movements were already becoming erratic. Alec rolled his hips to take him deeper, to find the spot he needed Magnus to abuse, and Magnus made a low groan at the change of angle.

Alec felt his release building, aided by the grunts and pants and moans emitting from Magnus, by the feel of Magnus's hands on his body and the sparks that made his skin jump with each contact, and by the taut muscles working beneath his own fingertips as his hands traveled up and down Magnus's lithe, sexy body. He felt Magnus's body tense, a shuddering earthquake course through him, and Magnus bit down hard on his neck, marking him, as he release deep inside him. The combination of sensations, pain from the bite and pleasure from Magnus's trembling body, pushed Alec over the edge and he felt his own fluid erupt violently from him arousal, painting his abdomen and chest.

Magnus collapsed on top of him and he held him tightly against his body. It took an extraordinarily long time for their bodies to recover, for them to return to their senses. Magnus's hair draped across Alec's face and he inhaled the earthy scent of sandalwood that he had longed to smell again. He ran his fingers through the soft hair, his sharp breaths puffing tufts away from his face and making them tickle him when they landed again. He could feel Magnus's heart hammering against his chest, his own beating slightly faster than the warlock's. He had forgotten how steady Magnus's heartbeat had always been, how comforted it had always made him feel.

By the Angel, it had been so long since he had endured so much passion, so much pleasure. He hadn't even realized how much his body had craved the veritable onslaught of sensations that had coursed through him as he made love with Magnus. He felt like he was eighteen again, and controlled by his hormones and the intensity of his love for Magnus. How had he not realized what he had been missing with Ethan?

Ethan. Oh Angel, what have I done? He hadn't thought about Ethan once since he first kissed Magnus. He had been so completely consumed by his desire and need to be with Magnus again.

He felt Magnus withdraw from him and roll off his body. He didn't know what to do, how to feel, what to say. So he buried his face against Magnus's chest, and faked sleeping. He knew he would have to face the music and deal with what he had done soon enough, but right now, he just wanted to be in Magnus's arms a little longer.


A/N: The song is "Strawberry Wine" by Deana Carter.