Author's note - This is a Friends Comedy Fic with a lot or romance, too. Some of the history has changed to suit the purposes of the story. Obviously, it is AU. We do not own Friends and we won't be getting any pay for writing this story. It's only for entertainment
A little bit of Friends history for the readers- Chandler and Monica subsequently named their boy twin Jack Bing (after Monica's father) and their girl Erica Bing (after the twins' birth mother). The twins were born May 6, 2004 - now 12 years old Ross has two children. His son, Ben, was conceived while Ross and Carol were still married and born at the end of Season 1. Ben lives with Carol and Susan. (May 11, 1995 is his birthday) - now 21 Emma - Ross's daughter with Rachel - born May 16, 2002 - now 14 years old Frank Jr. Jr., Leslie and Chandler (a girl) (born October 8, 1998) are Alice Knight and Frank Buffay Jr.'s children. Phoebe was the surrogate mother. - The triplets are now 17.
This section was written by AngelsInstead, Melissa and Daphne
The Friends Gang in 2016
Phoebe Buffay lay on a padded table at the gynecologist's office, her legs spread ever-so-wide as she underwent a procedure in hopes of becoming pregnant. The year was 2016. It had been 12 long years since she had split up from her old friends, Chandler, Monica, Joey, Rachel, and Ross. She missed them all so much... almost as much as she missed the triplets, Frank Jr. Jr., Leslie, and Chandler, her brother Frank's children. She had carried those babies as a surrogate mother, but that had been seventeen years ago! She really couldn't believe that it had really been all that long. Now the triplets were practically all grown up... and they had lives of their own. Sadly, she hardly ever saw them.
Phoebe had never married. She had never had a baby of her own. But several years ago, someone special had made her a certain promise, and because of that promise he had made years ago, Phoebe was hopeful that parenthood might soon be in the cards for her.
"Just transplant as many embryos as you can, doctor," Phoebe said as the doctor was placing instruments into Phoebe's exposed lady parts. "I carried triplets once. I think I might be able to carry as much as that octo-lady. I mean, I have wide enough hips, don't I?"
The doctor looked up at Phoebe over his surgical mask. "Your hips are fine, Miss Buffay. I think we'll insert at least three embryos given your age... and given the rate of failure when it comes to this procedure when a woman reaches ... well, an advanced age."
"Are you saying I'm too old, doctor?" Phoebe gasped, almost jumping up off the table. "I may be a little over forty... well, just a bit over fifty, but my uterus is strong; it's mighty... and I have fine hips. And my breasts will be okay... won't they? I was hoping to breastfeed. I want to breastfed as many of the babies as possible. I'm just dying to breastfeed."
"All of your body parts will be fine," the doctor assured. "Just relax and keep thinking pleasant thoughts."
Phoebe closed her eyes and began to think back to a long ago moment in time.
They had been at the Central Perk having a cup of coffee when he said something shocking. But that was just Joey. He always had something shocking or inappropriate to say. She was used to it. In fact, she was a lot like him. There was something different about that day... and what he said. After the words came out, Phoebe realized he was serious. "I'll make you a deal. If you and I are in our late forties and we aren't married, then I think we should get together. I think we should tie the knot," Joey said. "After all, Chandler and Monica got married... and Ross and Rachel are having a kid. Well, what about us? Why don't we get any of the fun?" At first she thought he was teasing, but then she realized that this time, it wasn't a joke. Joey was serious! "Are you proposing to me, Joey?" Phoebe asked, almost choking on her sip of coffee. "No... Yes... Maybe," said Joey. He was really confused. "I just wondered, because I don't want to remain an old maid forever... and what's worse, I want to have a baby." "A baby?" Joey stuttered. It was his turn to choke on a little of his coffee. "Well, yeah, I carried the triplets for Frank and Alice. I got all those stretch marks... the hemorrhoids, the sagging, aching, milk-filled boobs, and I didn't even get to keep the babies... not even ONE of them,' Phoebe complained. "I mean they have three - THREE. Why couldn't I at least have one?" Joey shrugged. "I hadn't really thought about reproducing." "You'd be a good dad, Joey. Look how great you've been with Emma. She thinks you're wonderful." "She thinks I am a crazy, demented clown." "Nahhhh, she really loves you. You should think about it - having a kid." "I have to find a woman first... and that's where you come in. All the girls I have met aren't right for me. The only one I ever wanted was Rachel, but she has a kid with Ross now. That leaves me all alone." "Ohhhhh poor Joey. You and me - we shouldn't be alone. Do you think we should-?" "Bump uglies?" "That would be weird. You're my best friend." "And you're my best friend, too. So let's just wait. If we get in our late forties and we still haven't found anyone... then we'll get married." "Couldn't you just... you know... make me pregnant?" "You only want me for my sperm?" Joey gasped, sounding insulted. Everyone looked up from their cups of coffee and newspapers, hearing Joey's words. "Of course not. You're my best friend. We could co-parent the baby. Or babies." "Babies?" He sounded scared now; absolutely frightened. "I will share them with you. Especially if we get three. I am not like Frank and Alice. I won't hog them all to myself." "Well, I dunno, I still want Rachel." "She's leaving with Ross," Phoebe reminded. "They have a kid now, remember?" "Yeah," Joey said solemnly. "I guess it's a deal then, if we aren't married by our late forties, we'll tie the knot... or we do the wild mamba, whatever it takes so we won't always be alone." They shook over it and it was a deal.
And here she was, lying there, being implanted with three embryos that had been created with her eggs and Joey's sperm. She wished she could reach for her cell phone. She'd take a picture for the daddy-to-be. Joey was going to be so damn excited when he heard the news...
Meanwhile, Joey was lying in bed after a particularly hot and sexy romp. The woman in his arms was totally exhausted. For a man just over fifty, Joey really knew how to fuck. He was so damn good. She'd never get enough of him and his intense fucking...
"Joey, you better sneak out," Rachel said. "Ross will be here soon."
"But I don't want to leave you," Joey said with a little pout. "I wish that you'd leave him... I wish that you were mine."
"Ohhh Joey, that's not possible. Ross and I have a daughter. Emma's a teenager and so impressionable. Ross and Emma can't find out about our affair."
"But Rachel..." Joey protested.
"Joey, I will see you this weekend. I promise," Rachel said. She gave him one last hungry kiss and then nudged him out of bed. She couldn't take her eyes off his sexy body as he crawled out and started getting dressed.
"Ohhh please hurry!" Rachel warned. "Ross will be home soon. Carol cheated on him with Susan and it will break his heart if he found out I've been cheating, too."
*What about my heart?* Joey wanted to say, but he never once spoke about his about his feelings. He had been madly in love with Rachel for a decade and half... and it wasn't until just recently when she had let him wander back into her bed. He wanted to scream it to the rooftops - I'm in love with Rachel! But he couldn't, because it would hurt his dear friend Ross. He didn't want to break up a family, so Joey just took all the tiny moments he could with the beautiful woman he adored.
Now he had to go and it really hurt. "Bye, Rachel," he said as he slipped on his shirt. How he wanted to stay and cuddle her, but he couldn't. Ross would show up any moment... and then all hell would break loose. He couldn't let young Emma be hurt. She was only fourteen and needed both her mom and her dad.
"I'll go," Joey said as he pulled on his jeans.
"I'll call you later," Rachel said as he walked out the door.
Only a minute later, Rachel rushed to the bathroom and bent over the toilet to violently throw up. She had been doing that a lot lately. It wasn't because of the guilt she was feeling over cheating on Ross... it was MORE... a lot more. Rachel was pregnant. Rachel was carrying Joey's child.
After a long, hot shower, Rachel felt a whole lot better. She got dressed and headed into the kitchen, waiting for Ross. "Ross, there is something I gotta tell you..." she said when he walked in the door. "I'm pregnant."
Meanwhile, Monica and Chandler were busy with their second set of twins. The first set, Jack and Erica had recently turned 12 years old. Surprisingly, this time, Monica had miraculously conceived. They were celebrating the first set of twins' birthday at Chuckie Cheese when Monica went into labor. Chandler had rushed her to the hospital and to his shock and surprise, his ex was in the maternity ward, also giving birth. "Chandler Bing!" she screamed.
"Ohhh my God, it's Janice!" Chandler cried out in disgust.
Janice let out one of her infamous, earsplitting laughs. "I'm having another baby!" Janice said, patting her immense belly. "What are you doing here, Chandler? Getting a sex change?"
"No, why would I do that?" he asked hysterically.
"I dunno, I just thought... well, that maybe..."
"Janice, Chandler and I are here, because I am pregnant - we're pregnant. We're having twins," Monica spoke up, looking down at her huge stomach. She was so large, she couldn't even see her toes. She couldn't wait to get the active, rambunctious twins out of her. They seemed even more wild than the first set, and they had been all kinds of mischievous. Even from the moment of their birth, they had been spitting up putrid pea soup.
Janice let out an annoying, nasally laugh that sounded almost like a snort. "Ohhh wow, Chandler. Your sperm must be very powerful. How come you never knocked ME up?"
"Maybe because I didn't want to have a kid that looked just like a troll,' Chandler said under his breath.
"What did you say, Chandler?" Janice asked.
"He said, "He hopes everything goes well- when your kid comes out of your hole," Monica spoke up.
Janice broke into hysterical laughter. It echoed into the halls as Monica began to scream, "Ohhh God, it hurts! What's worse, her laughter or giving painful, traumatic birth?!"
Chandler didn't know the answer or even how to comfort her. He could only hold her hand and talk to her soothingly as their children were being born. Six hours later, their second set of twins entered the world. This time, it was two precious girls. "We have identical twins," Chandler said happily. "What will we name them?"
"Will you name one after me?" Janice said from the other hospital bed. She had given birth to her new son about three hours ago.
"I really don't think that would be appropriate," Chandler spoke up.
"Well, I named this one after you, Chandler. I named him Batta-Bahhh Batta Bing."
Monica glared wickedly at Chandler's ex. "I want to kill her. I want to snap her neck. I want to feed her to the wolves," she said under her breath.
"Now honey, think calm thoughts," Chandler said. "You just gave birth."
"What will we name the babies?" Monica asked.
"We'll think of something."
Three and a half months had passed and Monica and Chandler had their hands full. The new twins were hungry day and night. Neither of them were getting much sleep. Then odd, paranormal things began happening around the house. The dog levitated off the floor. The doorbell rang and no one was there. Every piece of furniture in the living room was rearranged with no explanation. Monica really got upset about the furniture, considering she had major OCD.
"Chandler, what's causing this? Do we have a poltergeist?" Monica asked worriedly.
"I'll call Dial-A-Psychic. They will send a competent psychic right over," Chandler suggested.
The psychic came and began inspecting the house. "It's your twins," the psychic announced. "They are evil."
"What?!" Chandler and Monica asked at the same time.
"It's their mother; their birth mother. Her name is Cindy Campbell."
"No, it isn't," said Monica. "Her name was Erica!"
"I'm sorry... No, her name was not Erica. She was using that name as an alias. Her name is Cindy Campbell and she's the woman in all those Scary Movies."
"Ohhh my God!" Chandler gasped. "Monica, what should we do?"
"I don't know..." Monica said. "I always knew that the twins were a bit demonic, but I never would have guessed they were the spawn of Cindy Campbell... and whoever she may have screwed."
"Well, we have to do something. What if they corrupt the other twins?!"
They were both really scared, not sure what they should do when the doorbell rang. To their shock and surprise, this time when they answered it, someone was really there. It was Joey. "I need to talk to you," he said to Chandler urgently.
"Come in," Monica said. "Meet the psychic."
"How do you do?" the psychic asked.
"Well, not too good right now," Joey said sadly. "You see, I just might have gotten someone pregnant."
"It's true," the psychic stated.
"Ohhh God. I knew it. I just knew it. I got this text message. She said they implanted three inside her."
"Three what?" Chandler asked.
"Embryos of course!" answered Joey.
"She's not the only one who's pregnant," the psychic said under her breath.
"Ohhh no, Janice is pregnant again," Chandler lamented.
Meanwhile, Joey appeared quite upset as he looked in the playpen and saw Chandler and Monica's little twins. "I see TWO of them!" he gasped. "I am fifty... and my eye sight must be getting bad, because they both look just alike."
"Because they are identical twins," Monica said, her voice matter-of-fact. "The one in the pink dress is Catalina and the one wearing yellow is named Azriella."
"We need to talk about Rachel... AND we need to talk about Phoebe," Joey said to Chandler after Monica went into the kitchen to discuss matters privately with the psychic.
"Okay... which one of them did you impregnate?"
"I'm not sure," answered Joey. "Probably both... and Phoebe might be a lot pregnant. I mean A LOT."
"Okay. How did that happen?"
"Well, my sperms met some of her eggs..."
Chandler shook his head. "Start from the very beginning."
"It's a long story." Joey recounted his promise to Phoebe all those years ago when they were in the Central Perk, having coffee.
"When I turned fifty, the fertility doc asked for a sample of my sperm. Just one sample. No big deal. I didn't think she'd ever do it- get the embryos made... but apparently she made a LOT of 'em, because she sent me this text message. It's said, 'My uterus is full. Congratulations, Daddy.' Daddy? I am a dad?!"
Joey looked weak and pale. Chandler had to sit him down on the nearest piece of furniture which happened to be the baby's changing table. "Well, that explains that... but what about Rachel?"
"I have been fucking her... A LOT... I have been fucking Rachel a lot and well, she's putting on weight. Either she has a little bun in the oven... or she's getting kind of fat," Joey explained.
"Joey!" Chandler gasped. "Rachel's with Ross, who happens to be my brother in law. What in the world have you been doing... Fucking her?!"
"Do you want me to draw you a diagram, because I can," Joey offered. "It's really not all that hard. Ohhh I take that back - my dick gets hard. Hard... really hard... then it explodes all over into Rachel... and well, I guess that's how she got pregnant. IF it is mine. Do you think that it's Ross's? I really need to know. Could you ask that psychic lady? I need to know how many kids I am going to have..."
Chandler just shook his head. "You're really in a mess, Joey... and I don't know if I can help you. Seriously, Monica is going to kill me. She's going to kill me soooo hard."
Monica and the psychic left the kitchen. "What have you done, Chandler?" she asked, putting her hands upon her hips and giving him the evil eye. She had heard his last words to Joey and she didn't look too happy.
"Nothing, dear," Chandler said. "Joey's been the bad one. I've been a good boy."
"Joey's too cute to be bad," Monica said, fluffing Joey's dark hair. "But Joey, what are you doing on the changing table?"
"I've just had a terrible shock," Joey said. "It's terrible. I might have just pissed my pants.'
"What happened?" Monica asked.
Just then the psychic interrupted. "I really must be going. Thanks for the lasagna. It was incredibly good. For now though, just keep documentation of all the paranormal activity. Film it if you can. I'll keep in touch."
After she left, Joey jumped down off the changing table. "You guys have a ghost in here?" he asked fearfully.
"Yes, my friend. It would appear that we do," Chandler said.
"You mean a REAL live ghost, like the ones you see in the movies?!" Joey gasped. "I won't fuck with that stuff, man. I don't want to mess with the paranormal or the spawn of Satan!"
"I think I know who can help. Phoebe!" Monica cried out. "She knows all about that sort of stuff. I bet she'll know what to do to get rid of the evil spirits.'
Phoebe paced back and forth as she waited for the torturous minutes to pass by. Yes, it was probably too soon to tell if she was pregnant, but she had been sitting upside down all weekend long to let gravity do it's thing. She just had to be pregnant, she could feel each minute ticking by on her biological clock and her uterus's screaming for a child was starting to hurt her ears.
Finally the timer rang and she picked up the pregnancy test. She smiled as she realized that her weekend of gravity had paid off again. She was pregnant with her best friend's baby or babies and she couldn't be happier.
XOXOXO
"You're pregnant?" Ross said as he took a step back. Of all the things that he expected Rachel to say, that wasn't one of them.
"It's true Ross, I'm pregnant...we're going to have another baby," Rachel said as she showed him the pregnancy test.
"So, it's true? You've been cheating on me?" Ross asked although he already knew the answer to the question.
"What? No...why would you ask me something like that?" Rachel asked as she fidgeted.
"Because you're pregnant Rachel and I can't be the father. I had a Vasectomy after Emma was born, remember?" Ross said as he looked at her with pain filled eyes.
"Oh...that's right," Rachel whispered as she took a step away from him. How could she have forgotten something like that, now her entire world was shattered and she had no one to blame but herself?
"So who's the guy that you've been cheating on me with? Who's the father of your baby?" Ross asked.
"It's Joey," Rachel confessed as she looked up at Ross.
Ross couldn't believe what he had just heard. "You had an affair … With Joey, with one of my best friends … and you're pregnant?" He shouted.
Rachel nodded slowly. Shameful tears burned her eyes. "Yes. I thought you had a right to know but … I'm so, so sorry."
"Rachel, why? Why? It's not like we were on a break or something. You cheated on me!"
Rachel nodded. "I know. It's just-"
"You told me you didn't want Joey; that you never loved him at all. Was that all a lie?"
Rachel looked at her feet for a long moment before looking up at Ross. "Yes, it was a lie. I - I love Joey." She had never admitted it aloud, let alone to herself, and it rocked her to the core. She felt her legs trembling.
"Oh great. Just great. Now you're probably going to tell me Joey is better in bed than I am!"
"Well…"
"Ugh, Rachel. Dammit."
"Well he does this thing with his tongue and -"
"Shut up, Rachel!" Ross threw his hands up to cover his ears. "La-la-la I cant hear you."
"Ross, I'm sorry," Rachel said, reaching for his hands and peeling them away from his head. "I'm so sorry. But I am willing to work on things if you are."
"Hell no. As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing left to work on." Ross grabbed his coat and stalked to the door. "Goodbye, Rachel," he said half-angrily, half-mournfully.
Rachel watched him go and felt a tear trail down her cheek. She hadn't wanted to hurt him, not at all, but there was no denying that what she felt for Joey was something on a whole different level than what she felt for Ross. She cried into her hands for a long moment, guilt and shame eating at her. Guilt and shame because there was a part of her that was relieved she and Ross were over. She wasn't sure she could have pretended any longer.
XoXoXo
Joey was getting a coffee at Central Perk when the door floor open and Ross stood there, his nostrils flaring like a wild bull's. If looks could kill, Joey would be six feet under already.
"You know," Joey said.
"Yes, I know. I know you've been fucking Rachel!" Ross bellowed.
Gunther, who had just passed Joey a mug of hot coffee, grabbed for the cup back. "No coffee for you."
"Why not?"
"Because if anyone should have been fucking Rachel, it should have been me," he spat. He took the mug and threw its contents down the sink before stalking away.
Meanwhile, Ross advanced on Joey. Joey had never seen such rage in anyone's eyes. He was almost scared until he remembered Ross hit like a girl.
"You want to punch me?" Joey asked. "Go ahead. I deserve it."
"Yeah, you do deserve that and so much more. You got Rachel pregnant! Did you know that Rachel is having your kid?"
"Joey got Rachel pregnant?" A familiar voice popped up from the doorway. Phoebe stood there, hurt filling her eyes. "Joey, you got Rachel and me pregnant."
"You've been fucking Pheebs too?" Ross said. "You really are a manwhore." He then reared back his fist and aimed it at Joey's pretty face.
