AN: My first and possibly only IY fic.
I'm staring at him again tonight. And I'm angry because is turning out to be a regular thing for me.
We're boarding in a fairly large town tonight, compliments of the villagers who felt it necessary to offer us rooms after Miroku subdued a wandering soul that haunted their village. At first, they were tempted to deny the rest of us and only take Miroku in. But, just like many other times, they made the regular assumptions as soon as they saw the way we were paired. Two guys, two girls. I couldn't blame them for thinking we have relations but we all nonetheless accept what's given to us. They don't know the difference.
Which is why I'm sharing a room with InuYasha and staring at him right now. If I'd have seen anything more appealing to my eyes, it's hard to compare it to what I see when I look at him. And I have to blink to make sure he's real sometimes, suffice it to say. I wonder if he feels my gaze, and he's just allowing it to make me feel stupid or he's none the wiser of what I'm doing. I wonder if he ever stopped to stare at me when I'm sleeping and it makes me mad for two reasons.
The first is because I'm sure that he has no strong feelings for me. I'm not so naive as to let myself fall madly in love with a man who would never fall back. It's true, I am no Kikyo, but I would've hoped that the mere idiosyncrasies that make me Kagome would be enough.
The second is because I will never know what he's thinking, or what he truly feels. He'll hold me close in an embrace one moment and cast me aside like I never existed the next. He's hard to please and wanting him is the only thing that keeps me at it. I don't know if he knows this and does it to keep me with him, or he's just playing games with me. And I'm depressed, because even after Kikyo's death, I still can't win.
If he would be man enough tell me straight out rather toying with my emotions, his answer would either break my heart or make me love him even more, but at least then, I'll know for sure what he feels.
When it comes to InuYasha, I'm stuck wondering constantly. For the most part, anything he doesn't feel the need to say he won't, and what doesn't need to be done won't happen. We are all guilty of picking InuYasha's brain, searching for answers, but we come out wrong every time, and after all this effort, I come out with nothing and more depressed than I started out.
That's exactly what I've done, just like every other time, I've made myself miserable. I want tocry, but I won't. InuYasha will smell my tears and try to get to the root of my problems. But my feelings are so convoluted that I could hardly assess them myself. If InuYasha could answer my questions, it would help, but I'm not ready to confess just yet, not when he's unsuspecting of my feelings.
In an attempt to quell my desire to cry, I let out a sigh and to my dismay it comes out choked and overly drawn out.
"What?" he says smoothly. My heart leaps, and I can't think of what to say. Damn him, he has to be vague about everything.
"Nothing…" I say. Two can play that game. I watch him roll over on his elbows and catch my gaze. It's the middle of the night, and I can't really see, but I can see his eyes; his brilliant golden eyes.
"Something's the matter with you…what is it?" he asks just as calmly. My heart wants to give in, but my mind refuses. I will not be left to misinterpret his mixed signals, he'd either have to explain himself or say nothing at all. And I hate myself for giving it so much thought. He was half asleep, he could just be tired.
"Nothing, I'm fine, I didn't mean to wake you" I say. And this time, I really don't feel like discussing anything with him, I can barely think. But InuYasha is known not to let a subject die.
"Nonsense,…I can smell it on you"
"Smell what?"
"Sadness…"
"How do you smell sadness?" I meant to say this sardonically, but my tone makes me seem angry. And I admit, I kinda am. He's solely my reason for being sad. I couldn't help but counter him, its instinct I guess.
"It's pointless to explain Kagome…if you're not going to tell me why you're sad, then tell me why you're not happy." He says. The question makes sense, but telling him why I'm not happy would undoubtedly indicate why I'm sad, it's a no-win question.
"That's not fair, it's the same thing."
"No, there's a difference…"
"Name one" and then he does something I didn't expect. He gets up and walks toward me. I don't watch him, that's why I'm stuck in a state of breathlessness when he lays down next to me; his head on my lap. I guess he knows I'm flustered. With his vision he could probably see my cheeks flush pink, and he could probably see my eyes refusing to look down at him, or feel my back and arms stiffen against the wall, offering him my lap.
"Happy people would be sleeping." He says. His voice reverberates like a mellow undertone in my ear, it's a sexy, mysterious voice that I can never get out of my head, and it's the only reason for which I reply to him hoping he'd reply back. He's so close.
"Are you happy then?" I ask him mainly because I'm interested in what he'll say.
"I've gotta sleep sometime." Inside I'm disappointed, but on the outside I smirk. He knows what to say to lighten a mood, but it's never quite what I want to hear.
"Honestly…I was just…thinking…I swear, nothing's wrong." It's not often we have a light conversation such as this without one of us getting pissed and refusing to speak to each other, and I don't want it to end. But if it doesn't, I'm afraid it'll take a turn for the worst.
"You lie through your teeth wench…"he says nonchalantly.
"It's no lie InuYasha…I really was thinking" I say in a small voice. By this time I know it's impossible to escape the verbal trap InuYasha's put me in, and sooner or later I'd have shed even semblance of the outer shell I've built, if only for one night.
"About what" he yawns and shifts positions on my lap.
"I…nothing, just go to sleep." I say in defeat with my own emotions. A part of me felt that tonight was the night that I would tell him. What? I didn't know. But even he isn't stupid, how can he just ignore the feelings I have for him?
"I can do that…but I know you don't want me to…"he says lazily. Speechless. No comment. His words had the habit of brining out a greater truth within me that I may have been oblivious to prior to. I wanted to talk, but I didn't want to take any risks. The ball was in his court now.
"If you know that, then you must know other things…"
"L-like w-what?" He said. And there it was. I was getting somewhere. I had managed to pull something from him, and on the end of my pole, the lure was gone and pure hesitation was hanging there like fresh bait.
"You're not stupid Inu-"
"I agree."
"Let me finish…I get the feeling you know, but you don't want to tell me you know, because you don't want me have any expectations...either because, well…you just don't feel that way or…"
"Know what-" he said. I began to get angry. I threw him an innuendo because I didn't want to be too blunt about what I wanted to say, and I didn't want to lay it on too thick. At least not yet, but as usual, InuYasha makes everything difficult. I huffed sharply.
"Or maybe you're a total prick who hasn't a clue and you're completely toying with me just like you have been from the beginning." I said all too quickly. I knew he'd rebel, but what I expected was not what I got.
"You're no stranger to toying Kagome. " He faces up in my lap and looks at me tentatively, but I don't look back. I don't want to see the expression on his face. I don't want to look too desperate, because deep down, I'm dying for something. Anything.
"Me? You're delusional…" He sits up and faces me.
"You throw me a bone and snatch it back so fast I never know when to go for it!" He replied. I stared at him for what seemed forever. I can't believe he just said that, I can't believe that's what he thinks I've been doing. I want to kiss him and tell him it's not true, but I want to sit him and set him straight. He breaks the silence first with a simple "forget it". That's his reply to everything.
"How do I know when I throw it to you, you're gonna take it? You're the one who's so damn indecisive!" I don't mean to lash out at him bu-wait, yes I do. He hasn't right to complain, I'm the one who's been going around in circles in an emotional rollercoaster because he can't make up his mind and be honest with me.
"I'm not fucking indecisive! I just can't jump into something without thinking about it first!" he yells, then gets up and starts pacing before me.
"You? That's a first." I smirk. I can feel him glaring at me.
"Kagome, you know more than anyone you just can't fuck with something like that. A decision could change everything. It's been a long time coming, I don't want to ruin what we have right now. A part of me felt things would…I dunno, die down by now. But it hasn't, I feel it, and I know you do too." My jaw clenched, tears burn my eyes, and my face lit up with fiery emotion. I couldn't keep it in, I couldn't hold them back, I had to let it out. I rose to meet him.
"But she's dead! What's to figure out?" I cried. He sighs. I promised myself I wasn't going to get all emotional and I definitely didn't plan on bringing her up. So much for that.
His brows furrowed and he moves to run a hand through my hair, but I flinch and turn away, and I don't know why. He backs off.
"I know, we all do. But it's more complicated than that…you act as if she's the only problem. Don't blame Kikyo for was hasn't happened." He said sternly. Why did I expect any different? He always stands up for Kikyo.
"Right, it would be wrong of me to blame innocent little Kikyo for anything, I should blame you instead!"
"What are you blaming me for? What do you fucking want from me? What the hell are we fighting about?" he said now with violent gesticulations. I suddenly felt deflated. I'm blaming him for not loving me. But you can't blame that on someone, you can't force someone to return your feelings. Why did I let myself fall for him? I turned away ashamed, but not really knowing why.
"I'm sorry…this was pointless." I said raising the white flag.
"Don't be…Kagome, don't think you know so much, I'm not a complete bastard. I know what you think I probably don't know. But I can't act right now. I can't see it…" he confesses.
It was my turn now.
"Know what?" I say innocently.
"Damnit, I knew you would say that…" He starts pacing again.
"Listen InuYasha, I…w-want…" I sigh to regain my composure, I really don't want to say what I'm going to say, but I need to, I have to. "…I'm only asking you to be aware o-" I start, but I don't have to finish.
"I am aware of your feelings, even when I don't want to be. I can usually sense it. But that's it. I don't know…how to help it." He says with his back facing me.
"But it's so easy to do with Kikyo?" I said suspiciously. I heard him grunt, but I wasn't going to back down. Things between us have always been rocky because of her, and I at least want to know why. Even if he sides against me, I want to know what it is about her.
"You said it your damn self, she's dead. I can't possibly know what she feels…considering she feels anything at all."
"Why is it that different InuYasha? Even if I can't…I mean, I hate what she makes of you…"
"I get it, 'putty in her hands' right? I keep trying to make her into the person I knew, but we both know you can't change that. I still feel like I have some kind of obligation to her. Even it was a 'misunderstanding,' she died by hands. Had I known, if I was in my right mind, I wouldn't dream of laying a finger on her…but I did…" He turns toward me with solemn eyes. "…It's as if some stranger were to tell me that you betrayed me, and out of anger I killed you only to find it wasn't true. I wouldn't be able to live with myself."
We were silent for a long time after that. I wanted to ask him so badly, but I didn't want to spite what he'd just said to me,
"Do you honestly plan on going to hell with her…InuYasha?"
It became too dark for me to tell where he was, I had my eyes closed and they hadn't adjusted. I heard him smirk from the other side of the room.
"With or without her, I know I'm going."
"You don't seriously believe that…?"
"Save it, as of now, I'm not concerned, because I know I'll get what I deserve."
"Like you got what you deserve from Kikyo?"
"Damnit Kagome-". He's getting short with me, but I don't know why. He hasn't consoled me just yet. I want to know what it is about her that's so much better than anything I could offer? What sets us apart?
"InuYasha…what is it about her that has you running back to her every single time…"I say sternly.
"You're asking the wrong question…"he says all too nonchalantly. It makes me angry, as much as he yearns to leave us and be with her, he can't even say why?
"That's crap, you can't even tell me why you love her?" I said making sure to show him how pissed I am.
"I don't remember telling you I loved her for one, and secondly, it's really none of your business."
"But if Koga merely touches my hand, you're all over him!" I scream. I see his ear twitch and he slowly turns to me. I admit, I shouldn't of yelled, but I'm to angry to let it die.
"That's different and you know it. I don't trust the bastard as far as I can throw him, putting moves on you isn't gonna cut it."
"He protects m-"
"Doesn't make a fucking difference. You think you've got him figured out? Think again. You know what he really wants from you, I'd be dead before I let that happen."
"I don't think you get where I'm coming from, you could do so much better than her, I know it." I'm nearly pleading with him now.
"Right. Half demons don't really have much of a selection, if you haven't noticed. Not that I want what Miroku has, I don't…but I don't really care anymore." he says in a deflated sort of way. I went from angry to guilty in seconds flat; making him think about things he rather not think about.
" I'm known to pry InuYasha but I have good intentions…" The mood's changed and he walks back over to me, facing me.
"I know you do…and trust me, I have my reasons for not being involved, don't waste your time with this. "
I sigh and lean back on the wall behind me. There's so much I still want to know, but I know there's just as much he doesn't want to say. We've said enough for tonight, as far as I'm concerned, I know I come off as a busy body. But this time it's more in my best interest and I'm raring to get to the root of this, but I wouldn't know it when I find it. To him; I'm giving him the 3rddegree, but it's more than that.
"Kagome…I hate seeing you this way. You're contagious you know…" he says to alleviate the tension I'm sure.
"Yea?" was all I could manage. Nothing else came to mind.
"Listen, I know it seems like I don't give a damn. But I think about it all the time…"
"Think about what?" I ask.
He advances forward, only inches a way from me. But I don't look at him, I want to but I don't, I'm not going to give in to him. He has a way of misleading you to believe something that may not be true.
He puts both his hands on either sides of the wall around me for emphasis. And I can't believe my ears…
"…What it would be like to be with you…"
So much for looking away. My head shoots up and I can't focus on anything but his lips. But my words seem to contradict my thoughts.
"I'm not looking to be a liability…" I say absentmindedly. He smirks.
"Good. Because I have nothing to give…but you know as well as I do that nothing will ever happen. It's like déjà vu"
"…why?…" I whisper. I'm waiting for him to answer with words but he rather answer with a gesture and presses closure to me when-
It's the head mistress and she looks frantic.
"Did you happen to hear a scream in the night? I cannot seem to trace it. "she says breathlessly. InuYasha pushes away from me and is already making his way to the other side of the room motioning back to his previous position and without a word of input. Typical. I want to tell her no, but I don't want to busy the poor woman with having to search this whole place for the cause of a heated argument.
"Sorry. Guilty as charged."
"Why I hope everything is okay. The well being of my boarders is very important." She needlessly explains.
"I'm fine, I thought I saw something…just shadows it seems."
"If you're certain…?"
"Yes, thank you for your concern." I say. She bows curtly and leaves.
"Because things like that always seem to happen, someone doesn't want me to want you. By now it's apparent and I'm not gonna force the issue." He says suddenly.
Now I'm left thinking what would have happened if she had come seconds later. He's got a point. When I'm here, I'm never alone. And if happen to be, it doesn't stay that way for long. Plus, InuYasha is a private person, I really don't blame him.
"What about what I want?"
"What do you want?" he says looking at me.
A surge of emotion swelled up inside of me right then. There were many answers to that question. But now was judgment day, and I had to give him the truth, no matter how much it would break me. No other chance like this would come any time soon; there's no time like the present to be completely…and entirely…honest.
"You, InuYasha"
To make the longest and most awkward 30 seconds of my life short: InuYasha just looked at me, got up and left, leaving me to cry for the rest of the night.
AN/ Please review and be honest...should I finish, or not even bother? Opinions are worshiped.
