If there was one thing about girls I'll never understand, it's how they can jump from one emotion to the next with no warning. One moment I'd be talking with a girl, and everything would seem normal...until her face darkens for some reason and she turns away, her heart iced over for no apparent reason. Most guys would scratch their heads, bewildered.

Hell, so would I.

Smart guys would immediately start to apologize to the girl for whatever they did, even if they had no clue what it was. But there aren't many smart guys in the world when it comes to women. So the guy will probably ask "What's wrong?" or "Are you OK?"

Now, if there's one thing I know about girls, it's that they will always react in one of two ways to these questions. One, they'll say nothing's wrong. Now, if the girl says this, the guy, 99 percent of the time, will believe this. That will make the situation worse.

Two, they'll explode. Crying or yelling, one of the two. I hate it when a girl cries. In fact, I would prefer them yelling, because anyone knows what to do when you're yelled at. You yell back. Hey, it makes things worse, but you get to blow off some steam. Man, I don't think ANY guy knows how to react when a girl cries.

Now, that said, I have two best friends who constantly fight like this. Like, we'll be sitting at the tables outside the Nasty Burger, talking about video games and ghosts and whatever else, and Sam'll be laughing and Danny will be pretty happy, and I'll be playing with my PDA. But, some chick like Paulina or Valerie will walk by. And of course Danny looks.

And looks.

And looks. What sane guy wouldn't?

So "Miss Doom-And-Gloom" suddenly becomes "The Green-Eyed Monster," right? And she'll make some comment, which of course brings Danny back to Planet Earth. And he'll look at Sam, who's ticked at this point.

By now I'm recording the whole thing on my PDA. I've got, maybe, 6 or 7 of these fights on my computer. They're great for blackmail.

So, Danny, being the guy he is, asks "What? What'd I do?"

And then it begins. Sam doesn't keep things to herself when she's mad. And she doesn't cry. The last time I saw her cry she'd broken her arm in three places. So, she explodes in his face.

This is what I'm listening to right now.

"You just can't keep you eyes off of her, huh?" Sam yells, throwing her arms up for emphasis.

"What are you talking about?" Danny retorts, even though he knows exactly what she means.

"You know what I'm talking about! Paulina!" Sam crosses her arms.

"I just looked at her, for crying out loud!"

"You didn't look at her! You LOOKED at her!"

I don't understand what she means. Apparently Danny doesn't either, because he gave her this look and said, "What's the difference?"

"There's a huge difference! Honestly, sometimes I wonder why I put up with you."

"But Sam--"

Oh, wait, almost forgot one tiiiny little detail.

Danny and Sam are dating. Now don't be too surprised. It is, after all, the end of Senior year, and somewhere around the spring of Junior year Danny grew a backbone...

And a brain.

We're not allowed to call him "clueless" anymore. "Lovebirds" is still a favorite of mine, though.

Oh, right, back to the argument.

At this point Sam has turned away from Danny with her arms crossed and looking murderous. Danny, though clearly angry, is attempting to get her to turn around.

"Come on, Sam, you know I didn't mean it!" Nothing. "Sammy?" He tries to maneuver around her on the bench, but she turns her face away. "Sam, please look at me?" Still nothing. Danny turns to me for help, but before he says anything I shrug my shoulders. I don't know a lot about women. Which is strange, being the stud muffin I am. I mean, come on, look at me.

"Tuck, stop fawning your reflection and put the PDA down," Sam says curtly.

Heh. Oops. I'll just...put her down then. I can erase this part later anyway.

Danny, clearly seeing that I'm not of any help, thinks for a second on how to deal with a jealous girlfriend. I don't know what he's thinking about, but he suddenly grins, turning to Sam with this mischievous expression.

This ought to be interesting.

The dude sneaks up behind Sam and wraps his arms around her waist, and from the looks of it, tight. Sam lets out an indignant "Hey!" and tries to get away, struggling to get free from Danny's grip. It doesn't work, of course. I mean, what can I say, Fenton's ripped, and she knows it.

I just watch as Danny grins and pulls the struggling girl flush against his chest. Ignoring the strange urge to both laugh and vomit, I set my PDA on the table, so that it'll capture whatever the heck the dude's going to do; for future generations, of course, and for when I make my move on that cute head cheerleader, Becky.

I went inside the NB, bought a burger, and ate it. They really don't taste that bad, contrary to popular belief.

As expected, when I got back Sam was back to her normal happy self, seeing as they were making out on the bench.

"Come on, guys, I'm right here!" I shouted. They immediately jumped apart, blushing.

"Well, you weren't before!" Sam retorted, fixing her hair--which, as far as I could tell, Danny had done a pretty good job messing up. I just smiled. She rolled her eyes. "Come on, Danny, let's go somewhere that doesn't smell like techno geek."

"Hey!" That comment stung, and she knew it! Well, they didn't care; Sam was ticked at me, and the look on Danny's face as she took his hand and pulled him off clearly said his mind was on...other things, if you catch my drift.

And if you don't mind, I'm going to replay my PDA footage. Let's see...Paulina, argument...oh, here it is.

Click. Whirr.

"Come on, Sammy, talk to me," Danny said, gently running his hand up and down her stomach. She didn't seem to be affected by this form of persuasion and sat stiffly, looking off-screen. "Please?" His voice was soft and pitiful, and finally the girl in his lap turned to face him.

"You know how I feel about Paulina," Sam said, with a hint of bitterness.

Danny shook his head. "Sam, Sam, Sam. How many times do I have to tell you?" He placed his hand on her cheek and stroked her face with his thumb. "I don't like Paulina, I like you. You're my girlfriend." He kissed her cheek. It was clear that Sam was having difficulty hiding a smile.

"Well you were still looking at her," she said, trying to save face.

"I'm a teenage boy, not a miracle worker," Danny deadpanned, causing Sam to chuckle.

"All right, all right. You're forgiven." She ruffled his already-scruffy black hair and he smiled brightly.

"You just can't stay mad at me, huh?" Danny said playfully, placing his hands on her hips and pulling closer.

"Not for long." Sam slipped her arms around his neck and kissed him full on the lips. Danny visibly sighed and kissed her back. One of Sam's hands wound its way into his hair, while the other slid down to rest of his shoulder. Danny's hands were, in turn, rhythmically stroking up and down her back.

"Tucker, WHAT are you watching?" Said an angry voice from behind me.

Snap!

"Get back here Foley!" Sam shouted as she chased me around the yard.

No amount of therapy will ever make this moment OK.