Manda's Note: Alright my loves, so those reading this and thinking it sounds like something you've already read, it very well could be. This is a repost of a story that I can't for the life of me remember the name of. Thanks to a special request and hours of tossing around papers and jump drives in my room I finally found most of the story. So as I post this along the way I will be changing things. Making it more pleasing to me once again. Anyways I'm going to shut up and post it already. Thanks Erica, without you asking for it, I never would have posted it or looked for it again.
She could still hear the sound of the skidding tires, glass breaking, and feel the impact of his body diving cross hers to avoid any further damage. She could still feel his body thrown on top of hers if she closed her eyes. The sound of his voice's screams in alarm, dread, and terror when the blaring lights blinded them both and froze them in shock. They were burned into her memory like the cigarette burns on the rug.
The fact that he hadn't driven all that much previous to their endeavor hadn't even occurred to her when she got into the car with him. The only thing that she had gathered upon was that he wasn't happy and he wasn't going to let her go very easy. Things had been rough, fighting and arguing, then making out and sexing ever since the breakup at her mother's wedding, but, with all of their yelling and arguing she could see him losing it more and more. There wasn't ever a question in did she love him or did he love her, it was more of could they handle all of what they'd been handed at the age of seventeen. The events that followed their beach rendezvous she wasn't sure if they'd ever be back to the level they'd once been at.
Only thing now that she could remember really well was the sound of the tires going off of their perfect track on the high way, and the exact spot that his hand landed it's self was the one thing that Serena had been trying to get away from. The real reason she'd run to New Port, to get rid of it before he knew anything of it. Somehow it'd all blown up in her face, someone had ratted her out to him.
Now, rather thing things being easy, and maybe somewhat normal it'd fallen into complete and total hell. As she stood at the window looking out at the cabs on the street she heard the footsteps of the reminder that at low selfish points in her life she wished that they weren't around.
"Mommy? Are you better now?"
His dark hair and dark eyes were the perfect contrast to his fair skin and innocent smile. There were moments in the day that Serena had to admit she despised looking at him. It wasn't because she didn't love him, because if there was anything that Serena did it was love her son more than her own life, he just brought back so many memories at just a glance.
"Come here baby."
The nearly twenty-two year old blonde said in a shaky voice as she still didn't quite trust herself just yet. Not after how she'd broken down earlier and smashed the music box in her room. The anniversary of what happened never got easer.
"Jamie, I'm sorry for scaring you."
She said pulling the little child onto her lap, smoothing his short hair back and kissing his forehead. He was every bit of his father and it killed her more then she chose to admit. The sight of her own child made her clench her jaw and wish things were different.
"It's ok momma, Cedric and I was talken and Cedric decided that me and him need to go see daddy. Because Daddy needs to wake up so you can get un broken mommy. Aunt B told Uncle Nate said that Daddy broke you and Uncle C said that daddy was an asshole."
The young child said as he pronounced every letter of the word carefully and correctly. That was when Serena knew that she needed to stop letting the troublesome trio watch the little boy. He always seemed to come home with a new word to add to his vocabulary.
"I told Uncle C that he inarticulate and unintelligent."
Serena looked away from her son and shook her head. There were just some moments when she could hear and see the little Dan that Rufus had told her so many stories about. She could hear Dan in her head, proud of her son for standing up and voicing back. He was such a mini Dan. Then her eyes fell upon the item in the young boy's hand, the doll made her insides feel as though they were going to lock up and explode. Normally Jamie knew better then to have the doll anywhere near his mother but today was different.
She sat in the soft chair, her knees pulled to her chest, her head resting comfortably on top of them. What was she thinking? What was she doing? How could she do this, yet how could she not? They weren't ready for this. Their forever was too juvenile and not ready to be forever just yet. All of this had stemmed from Serena once again guarding her heart after their midnight throws on the beach. The pulled back, high defense, non trusting Serena had had enough time to take over the new one. She loved him she really honesty did, but, after he left her at the wedding she was in a way, scared of him. He had her so wrapped around his finger and her heart in his pocket so able to crush her at the drop of an instant. The last thing she needed was to add another item to the table that he could crush with a whisper of the voice.
Serena hated every second of her surroundings, the quiet, beeping noises, the perfect hospitality, the overly clean smell. Everyone there seemed to be overly comforting, she figured as they should have been with the money they got everyday. Cedar house was the rich's best kept secret, it housed anyone who had money and shady things in their past's secrets. Blair had done time for her bulimia here, Georgina for her drugs, Lohan for her drinking woes, Richie for her anorexia, Chuck even, for consoling on his out of hand behaviors. Serena never thought she'd be sitting in the waiting room for herself, much less for the reason she was there for.
"Miss Van der Woodsen? Your mother is calling again."
The nurse with the warm green eyes and wild red hair placed her hand gently on the blonde's shoulder in a comforting manner, as though Serena were only there for a check up and not going to do what she was really there for.
"Thank you"
Serena nodded her head with her voice coming out not one bit hiding the pain, agony, and terror that was coursing through her vein, it wasn't a questing whether Serena hated every second of what she was doing or not. It was plainly evident on her face.
"Mom?"
She'd shaken with every step she'd taken to the front desk, picking up the phone hadn't even have been easy. Then the fact that hearing Lily's voice soothed her actually scared her a little bit.
"I'm glad I caught you, Serena why don't you just come home. Don't do this, it's not what you want. Serena everything will be ok, just come home before you make a mistake that you can't do over."
Lily was making Serena feel even more guilty then she had when she'd gotten on the train. She couldn't care, she couldn't let anything get to her. This was something that she needed to do without thinking about it. Serena couldn't handle it, she couldn't be in the predicament that she was in any longer.
"No mom, it won't be ok if I don't do \this. This was the biggest mistake that could have happened and I need to fix it before it gets any worse then it is."
She replied stubbornly as she curled her hand into a fist and dug her nails into her palm. She wanted so badly to soften, to give in, go home, and confess what almost, maybe, might have happened.
"Damn it Serena, this is not the same as your father. Dan loves you, stop being so blind and open your eyes. Don't make mistakes Rufus and I made, let him love you Serena. Don't push him away. It's not worth losing him over."
The words coming out of Lily's mouth made Serena cringe even more as her hand slipped self consciously to her stomach before she realized it and quickly removed it. She placed her hand on the counter and tapped her fingers.
"No mom, he doesn't, we were an accident. Two wild teenagers that don't know how to keep their hands to themselves. That's all it is. This shouldn't have happened and I… I don't want this."
She lied, every word was a lie. All being a parent was to her was fucking up and destroying a child's life. She and Dan weren't even in a full relationship anymore. They'd made love on the beach in the Hampton, they madeout in the back of a bus, they had angry hate sex in random spots around town. She should have known better then to listen to him when he said 'screw the condom, I need you Serena. I love you and I'm tired of us not being together.' In broken Serena's head it was all a ploy to sleep with her. She needed to believe that it was all just a game so she didn't cave in.
"I gotta go mom, I'll call you when it… I'll call when it's done."
Without hearing her mother say goodbye Serena hung up the phone and rolled her eyes trying not to let her feelings get to her. That was when the door to the clinic opened and security came through holding each one of his arms as he mouthed off.
Jamie's hands on the sides of her face forced her to come out of her captivated quiet state she looked at the worry in his eyes. It was something that never seemed to go away with him, like Jamie was endlessly worried that she too was going to disappear on him just like his father had. All he knew of the guy that he referred to as daddy was that he'd been asleep for a very long time. A short visit to the hospital once a day was never enough for Jamie, but it was enough to put Serena in complete tears, she'd felt like it was her fault from the day and she doubted that would ever change.
The fact that she loved Dan was quite simple and complicated all at once.
