What I Can't Say Out Loud
By rocklandgirl
Chapter 1
(I do not own Glee or have any association with Fox or the producers or writers of Glee.)
Will sat quietly at his desk trying to focus on his lesson plans for the new semester. The holiday break had dragged by. Everyday he'd hoped to wake up to a different life. A life where he'd look at the pillow next to him and see Emma. Or even a life where he'd never met her, or heard of her … or Terri. If he could just be a clean slate without a history, starting fresh, from scratch.
This morning, January 3rd, he returned to McKinley extra early. Not just because he had work to do, but because he wanted to ease into the reality of the day. The crowded halls, the faculty members wishing each other a Happy New Year, the questions about how everyone spent their holidays.
Thinking back over the past two weeks Will did appreciate the Christmas tree that the Glee kids had decorated for him at home, and the fact that it was organized by Sue the Grinch was yet another example that she was a complex woman. Stone cold, egomaniacal – but on some level, a real human being. Christmas morning was quiet and lonely. But he had gathered his shopping bag of gifts from the closet and went to his parent's house to spend the day. Yes, Christmas day. It couldn't pass quickly enough for Will. Half-heartedly listening to his dad talk about his law school classes, watching his mother get drunk (as usual) and pretending like everything was not just normal, but really great.
And punctuating the day, the incessant distraction of Emma. He pictured her cuddled on the couch opening presents with Carl. He wondered if she slept in on Christmas morning or jumped out of bed early. In all likelihood Dr. Wonderful got her up and encouraged her to rip wrapping paper off of her gifts and throw it all over the floor so that they could bask in the delight of spontaneity and mess.
At other times Will's thoughts of Emma were more pleasant, exciting even, but total fiction. He imagined her here with him at his parent's house. As his girlfriend, or fiancé, or wife. In these visions his parents loved her. She loved them. She was kind and patient with his drunken mother. They shared loving looks across the room all day and couldn't wait to get home to be alone together. These fantasies felt amazing. But when his mother slurred some question towards him about whether or not he'd seen "that crazy ex-wife of his" Will was startled back to reality, and reality sucked. He went home that evening and decided that beer, books and movies would be the only way to survive the rest of the holiday break. New Year's was made bearable only because of the "Twilight Zone" marathon on the SyFy Channel.
So there he sat on January 3rd, sad but safe in his office with his lesson plans. He wanted desperately to avoid Emma, but he wanted to figure out how to do it without being too obvious. Her comments about his avoidance before Christmas had bothered him. He felt put on the spot. But why shouldn't he avoid her? This situation is not casual and not normal and who the hell did she think she was inviting him to a party at her home with Carl on Christmas Eve? Sometimes the anger that he felt at her, about what she had done, actually made it easier to make it through the day. So Will decided that feeling angry was good right now. Emma wasn't who he thought she was. She was someone who hurt him. She betrayed him. "OK Schuester", he thought, "this is good, this will help you get through this. Focus on how thoughtless Emma is. How she has no clue or concern about what she's put you through. You thought she loved you, but that was clearly not true. She doesn't understand real love. It's nothing like the silly superficial relationship she has with Carl!"
Armed with an attitude of cool resentment Will decided to start his day in earnest. He would make his way to the Teacher's Lounge for a cup of coffee before his 1st Period Spanish class. As he neared the corner across from Emma's office Will was careful to walk as if he was wearing blinders, smiling and nodding briefly to some of the kids and other teachers, but not veering from his intended course. Straight into the lounge, to the coffee pot, pleasant exchanges with Shannon about her holidays with her crazy family. It was nice to keep the focus on someone else and then get the hell out of there before the conversation could move to his holiday experiences.
Will took the coffee back to his office so he could pick up what he needed for first period. He kept moving forward, as if guided by some remote control. Around the corner, into his office, he set his coffee down momentarily as he scooped up the files and papers he needed. Stuffing them into his bag, he slung the strap over his shoulder, grabbed his cup and started out again when a flash of color on his desk caught his eye. It hadn't been there before he went to get coffee.
It was blue, deep blue. A deep blue sealed envelope with his name – Will – on the front. The handwriting unmistakable. It was Emma's. He picked it up slowly, as if he might just be dreaming and about to reach for a mirage. No, it was real. And in his hand, it felt somewhat thick and weighty. Not a card, a letter.
Will thought for a moment and decided to wait until his free period to read the letter. He wished he had the resolve to put it in his bag and wait until he went home after school, but that was unlikely. So he placed the envelope in his top desk drawer, a drawer that he sometimes locked. This morning he would lock that drawer to keep the letter safe until his return.
(NOTE: This is my first fanfic ever. Wemma is my favorite thing about Glee and I've been surviving on reading fanfic for awhile now since lately I've been losing faith in the story development on the actual show! Would really appreciate you reading, reviewing and commenting. Many thanks and Happy New Year!)
