APRIL BEATLES
Chapter 1/7: "Do You Want To Know A Secret"
Spoilers: "Bad To The Bone" (418)
Song: "Do You Want To Know A Secret" by the Beatles (italicized and asterisked as always).
The GraveshiftCSI April challenge: a Beatles songfic. Or rather, a series of songfics... Catherine and Gil and unresolved tension abound. (All told in Gil's perspective)
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You'll never know how much I really love you
I see her there and my heart skips a beat. She has no idea. All these years, she's had absolutely no idea. All these years, I've kept it inside, telling myself that it wasn't the right time. Well now, it's definitely not the right time... she's with somebody else. But for once, I don't care. It has to be done.
You'll never know how much I really care
Hearing her on the phone with him was the last straw for me. I've gotta tell her, and I've gotta do it now, before I lose her for good. So I stroll up to her, confident as I can possibly be in this moment, and gently grasp her arm... telling her I need to see her in my office for a moment.
Listen...
She quirks one eyebrow upward adorably in question, but follows me to my office nonetheless, throwing a quick glance at the others over her shoulder as she does so. From the look on her face, you'd think what I had to tell her would be a confession of murder. I'm hoping what I really have to say will get a better reaction out of her, though.
Do you want to know a secret?
We head down the corridors of the lab, several people trying to stop us on our way with new information about our case. Not now. I've gotta do this before I lose my nerve... and before everyone in the lab finds out what I'm doing.
Do you promise not to tell?
I wave everybody away and tell them that it can wait, and this is what really alarms Catherine. I never push work aside, so obviously, what I have to say is of the gravest importance. She lets me pull her into my office by the arm, my hand releasing her to close the door while she spins to face me, her hair fanning out around her briefly. She's gorgeous.
Whoa, closer...
A smile escapes her beautiful, glossy lips... a smile that she only shows to me... as she asks what's on my mind. It's more like what ISN'T on my mind... everything we've shared for the past eighteen, almost nineteen years is riding on what I'm about to say.
Let me whisper in your ear...
I start out by telling her that she's my best friend... after-which I'm awarded with a bright, brilliant smile. She knows, she tells me... and lets me know that I'm her best friend as well. I smile, feeling a little bit more confident. Maybe I'm just being nervous for no reason. This is Catherine, after all.
Say the words you long to hear... I'm in love with you
She asks me if I'm okay and I don't know how to respond. Of course I'm not okay... I'm completely in love, and that scares the hell out of me. If I tell her what I need to tell her... and she responds positively, I'll be exposed. She'll have my heart in her hands completely, and I've spent my whole life making sure nobody achieves such a goal.
Listen... do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell?
The way she's looking at me, I'm suddenly reminded of a moment not too long ago when we had a fight. She'd cashed a check written to her by Sam Braun... something that could highly be construed as taking a bribe... and we just sort of went off on each other. She got upset and left. Later she showed up in my doorway, looking all glammed up like she was about to go out... and asked me if we'd be okay.
Whoa, closer... let me whisper in your ear...
I'd blinked slowly and licked my lips... much like I'm doing right now, and I'd told her that we'd be fine. Now I'm standing before her, assuring her that I'm fine... and deja-vu has settled over me like a storm cloud. How long will I go on pretending that things are fine? I've gotta stop now.
Say the words you long to hear... I'm in love with you
I let her name tumble from my lips, and she smiles. She does this every time I say her name, and I love it. It makes me feel like she enjoys hearing me say it. And maybe she does... who am I to know for sure? I say her name again, but this time, her nickname... Cath. I think she loves this even more. I gently let her know that I've got a secret I need to tell her.
I've known a secret for a week or two
Concern floods her angelic features like the tide washing over a beach, and her teal eyes search mine as she asks what it is. Her expression now almost looks pained... as if what I'm about to say is going to be horrible. Oh, I'm desperately hoping it's not.
Nobody knows, just we two
I tell her to relax... that my secret isn't something awful or life-threatening... and this seems to calm her somewhat, but the concern is still clearly etched in her eyes. She asks again what it is, and I take a deep breath. This is it... can't turn back now.
Listen... do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell?
When my eyes drift to the floor, trying to muster up the courage to go on, she steps up to me, nearly toe-to-toe, and places her hand on my cheek, drawing my eyes back up to meet hers. When they do, she smiles reassuringly, letting me know that I can tell her, no matter what it is. Alright Cath, you asked for it...
Whoa, closer... let me whisper in your ear. Say the words you long to hear...
After another deep breath, I let it out slowly, and lay all my cards on the table. I tell her point-blank, staring straight into her guileless eyes, that I'm in love with her. And I watch in horror as her smile drops.
I'm in love with you
Her hand leaves my face, and she takes a step back from me. Oh God. My thoughts are echoed as she mutters the same, her voice in a whisper. What the hell have I done? I call out her name, my voice coming out small... meek. Damn me. And this time, when she hears her name, she doesn't smile. Her eyes are far-off... vacant... as if she'd just heard her dog had died.
She shakes her head and starts toward the door, deflating any ounce of self-worth I'd held in one willowy, feather-light whisper... "I gotta go."
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CONTINUED IN CHAPTER TWO: "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away"
