Edited to be more legible :)


Chapter One: Escaflowne Rip-off

"Sirs, take a look at this!"

Lister looked up from his curry and a piece of Tikka chicken fell from his mouth as he shouted, "What is it Kryten, man?"

Rimmer climbed out of his bunk and they both ran down to where they had heard Kryten shouting from - the drive room - and the Cat joined them a few seconds after.

"A strange machine has appeared in the ship," said Kryten.

"So what is it?" asked the Cat.

"Oh no, don't start that again!"

"Only joking!" he grinned.

Kryten showed them a picture on Holly's screen. It was a large round ball attached to the roof of the ship with electrical metal claws around it. The ball was translucent and yellowish-blue. Holly's head appeared in the ball. "From what I can gather," he began, "it's a fate alteration device. Which basically means it's a device, right, that alters fate."

"No kidding?(!)" Lister said.

Holly nodded. "Must've altered its own fate and ended up here. Basically we could change our lives with it."

That caught Lister's attention. "Y'mean we could change our lives so me an' Kochanski stayed together and we didn't all die and stuff?" Lister pondered this for a second. He suggested that they test the machine.

"On what?" Rimmer snorted. Lister grinned. The Cat grinned. Holly grinned. Kryten went into grin mode. "No... no!" yelped Rimmer.

"C'mon man! If anything happens we can bring you back with another disc."

"NO. N-O, Listy, NO."

But Lister was already pressing random buttons on Holly's keypad. "See if you can link it directly to your database, Hol. Then we can use it."

"Righto, Dave."

Rimmer followed Lister around the room as he tapped the different keys to see if the machine would work. "Lister... Listy? DAVID! Are you listening? I said no. Did you hear me?"

"We heard you, goalpost-head. We're just ignoring you," the Cat grinned, toothily.

Kryten soon had the machine figured out and, under extreme protest, Rimmer's database was linked with the fate alteration device. "You'll kill me! Again! This time I might not be able to get a hardlight drive."

Lister held him by the shoulders. "Look Rimmer, it's a fate alteration device. We'll give you a nice fate. You can live in the country or city. Have a family or be a bachelor. Don't you want something good to happen to you for once?"

"Mr Lister is right, sir. This machine works rather like Better Than Life. If you wish good things to happen they will."

"Need I remind you what happened when he was in Better Than Life? He screwed it up for us all!" the Cat hissed. Lister assured him that it would be their wishes that governed the machine, not Rimmer's. "So... whatever I want to happen to goalpost-head will happen?"

Rimmer's nostrils flared and he muttered, "I don't like the way you said that." Before the Cat could answer him, the machine whirred into life and a glow filled the room.

Slowly, the light dimmed and Lister could just make out a man's shape where Rimmer had once been. "Rimmer?" Lister gasped and edged a little closer. The man turned around. "Rimmer! It IS you!"

"I'm afraid I'm not quite following," said the man nasally. "But if you'd like to return me to my leisure centre and fill out the kidnapping forms I'd be ever so grateful."

Lister and the Cat exchanged puzzled glances.

"Sirs, I believe that Mr Rimmer has been bio-translocated," Kryten said whilst walking around the man. "And so has the fate alteration device. All that's left is a channel hole a few miles from the ship. The fate alteration brought it here. If my memory chip is correct, this means that this is a man from Earth from the past that has somehow been swapped with Mr Rimmer via the channel hole. Their fates have indeed been altered."

"So kind of like that Quantum Leap show?"

"But without Scott Bakula's sharp hairdo!" the Cat added.

Kryten nodded as he tapped a few keys on Holly's keyboard. "Well it says here that this gentleman is from the south-west of England, a place called Whitebury. He's called Gordon Brittas."

Mr Brittas leant over his shoulder. "I think you'll find that we're in the south-east of England and it's Whitbury if you please, not Whitebury." Kryten apologised.

"So," Lister pondered, "if he's here then Rimmer is..."