This is dedicated to Janni.
Blaine loved it when Kurt called him late at night, just to say something sweet. Sometimes, it was 'I love you', others 'I miss you'. Blaine didn't care if it was three in the morning. It was a nice thing, especially since Kurt always talked of his sleep as the most important thing in his skin rituals.
But when Kurt called that Sunday night around two, it wasn't to say something sweet. Blaine smiled when his buzzing phone woke him up. He answered with a smile. But Kurt hello didn't seem like a promise of something good and Blaine smile faded as fast as it had come upon his face.
"I can't sleep," Kurt said. Blaine knew that tone. It was the one Kurt used when something was wrong. Blaine felt nervousness sneaking up to take hold of his mind.
"I have been thinking about next year you know. And honesty. This is going to hurt. I should have thought this through. It's just, Blaine, I don't think we can make it next year, you know? I don't think we can. And I can't wait for heartbreak. I can't have that clouding my mind in college. We need to end this, Blaine, I'm so sorry."
Blaine was holding the phone to his ear, not believing he was awake. Kurt's voice didn't really shake. It didn't show much emotion or regret. Blaine was trying to figure out some sort of reply, while Kurt asked his name a couple of times.
"I guess I will see you in the morning." Blaine listened as Kurt hung up and then stared at his phone.
"I'm not dreaming," Blaine said, out loud to prove it to himself. He pinched himself. No, it definitely wasn't a dream. More something like a nightmare. This was a nightmare, where his boyfriend broke up with him over the fucking phone. Blaine kept back the tears for a while but had to give up in the end, the sobs breaking the silent darkness.
When Blaine woke up next morning, after a few hours of uneasy sleep, it was on a still damp pillow. He still had his phone in one hand, the other one hung over the edge of the bed. He looked at the phone and almost wanted to scream at it, when he saw a happy message from Mike, asking about the double date they had planned. It was even followed by a fucking smiley – a fucking happy smiley. Like this was a good day.
Blaine called Mike up without thinking further about it. The sound of Mike's voice seemed a little far away, making Blaine turn up the volume on his phone a bit. He couldn't tell Mike, that they had broken up. He couldn't say it out loud. But it didn't occur to Blaine that he had been completely silent under almost the whole call until Mike hung up.
Then Blaine remembered that he was supposed to sing in glee club later - with Kurt. Oh hell. Could the timing have been any worse? Couldn't Kurt at least have waited, so it wouldn't end up in this awkward shit?
Blaine stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom. Looked in the mirror and saw a face he could hardly recognize. There was this look in these eyes, Blaine hadn't seen in a long time. It was almost like they were pleading for everything to end. Blaine let his mind slip for bit and his eyes wandered over his shaving equipment. And he thought about it for a moment - about the future. He thought about how he didn't have to face it.
He stood for a moment and then realized he had just considered suicide. Blaine Anderson didn't believe that suicide was the way out of anything and there he was, thinking about it? What was wrong with him? He looked back into the mirror. He burst into sobs again, when he saw the desperate look on his very own face. Still crying, he got behind the shower curtains and turned on the water. He got under and let go of as many tears as possible. At least he could pretend it was the water from the showerhead that way.
When he got to the kitchen, no one was there. He was alone and had been so for two days. Not that it was new to him. He had spent a lot of time on his own. But at that moment, when he sat down with his bowl of muesli and red eyes, he wished there had been someone else. Just somebody to get his mind of things for a while and make him laugh, maybe - someone like Kurt.
But it was Kurt's fault he was there, alone and crying over his breakfast. But Blaine couldn't bring himself to blame Kurt. Kurt was also beautiful, perfect and everything good in the world. So why was Blaine hurting so much? Blaine slammed his head into the table, beside the bowl. It hurt. A lot, really, but Blaine didn't notice all that much. There was pain other places in his body, stabbing knives and forcing out tears.
When Blaine was putting on a jacket, he did it front of the mirror in the hallway, like always. His hair was a mess, his eyes red and he wasn't sure he had remembered all his books. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was talking sense to himself. Trying to convince him to maybe just stay at home and cry it out. He could give himself a little time. But instead he got out of the door and into his car.
When he got out of the car, the first person he saw was Kurt. Kurt, who was swaying his hips like always and smiling at Rachel, Mercedes was walking up to them and linking arms with them both, grinning as they walked over to Finn, who leaned down and kissed Rachel. Blaine couldn't take it. Any other day he would have walked over there and taken Kurt by the hand, but he couldn't. Kurt wasn't Blaine's boyfriend anymore. They weren't together.
Blaine stomach felt like it turned and the taste of his breakfast returned n his mouth. He almost threw up right then and there, but kept it inside when Sam shouted his name. The blonde was running towards him, Mike right behind him. Blaine stiffened. What Sam was saying, he didn't hear. What he did hear was Mike asking, why they had to cancel the date. Blaine looked over at Kurt again and then plastered a fake smile on his face, keeping the tears back. He just couldn't break down now.
Sam looked over at Kurt too and then back to Blaine, who was still trying to keep up the fake smile. He failed though, looking even more miserable. Mike put a hand on Blaine's shoulder and apologized. Blaine shook his head shortly and then started walking towards the school entrance on shaking legs. Mike was right by his side, asking why they had broken up. Blaine stopped to look at him, took a deep breath and then spoke the best he could, his voice rough from the crying.
"Go ask Kurt, he knows better than I do." With that, Blaine turned and walked through the doors of the school. Inside he almost fell into one of the hockey players, who pushed him towards the wall. Blaine hit the surface hard. Not that he really cared. Not that he really felt it. Tina sat down next to him and started talking to him, helping him up and taking him to class. He didn't even remember seeing her before she was beside him.
It all went by in a blur. Blaine couldn't say anything that made sense, nor could he concentrate for very long without sobbing dryly.
When it was time for glee, Blaine was in the bathroom stalls throwing up. After keeping it back all day, it had won the fight and Blaine sat down in front of the toilet-bowl, wishing he were someone else. Not that it was new to him. Before Kurt he had wished to be a lot of people. People with parents who cared and far more trivial problems like 'what am I going to wear for this party'?
Blaine walked in just as Rachel was talking very loudly about their upcoming competition and what songs they should sing. But the moment he stepped a foot in the room, everyone turned their eyes to him, except Kurt, who was looking down at Mr Schue, who obviously didn't know what was going on. Why and if Mike had told the others, Blaine didn't know. But he knew, that if Kurt lifted his eyes to look at him, just once, he would fall to he knees and cry so hard it might just kill him.
He sat down on a chair far from the others. He ignored the stares the best he could, trying to forget who else was in the room. But he could feel the eyes on him and hear the faint whispers. There was something about how they all talked about him but not to him, that made him feel more alone than he ever had.
At first when transferring to Kurt's school, Blaine had known, that if they were to break up, he'd move back to Dalton. But it was Monday and moving in the middle of a week was complicated. Blaine would know: he'd done it because of Kurt before. But moving out of Dalton was way easier than moving in.
When his name was mentioned, Blaine figured that he'd need to say something. But Kurt beat him to the case and told Mr Schue their duet was cancelled. The way Kurt said it was kind of cold.
"Why did you guys break up anyway?" Puck asked. Something clicked in Blaine. Last night, he had known he wasn't dreaming. Since that realization he'd been in a blur. But all the smoke lifted from his mind at that moment. People knew he was single now. They had questions. But they knew. Kurt had started explaining himself to Puck. Blaine turned in his chair and looked at the two of them. Kurt's face was blank and he dryly explained his reasons while Puck looked at him in utter disbelief. The whole club did, really. Even Rachel, who had briefly mentioned something about breaking up with Finn before she left Lima behind for New York, seemed to think Kurt was acting odd.
Blaine was just staring at the other boy. When Kurt turned his eyes to Blaine, Blaine stood up and picked up his stuff. Then he turned on his heel and left the room. A few voices called after him, but no one came running, so Blaine walked all the way out to his car, got in it and drove home. He drove home to his empty house and locked himself in his room. The pictures of polo players on his walls seemed silly to him all of a sudden. Like it would make him better at the sport. Then there were the pictures on his desk. There was one picture of him and the rest of the Warblers – before Kurt, one of him and Kurt in uniforms right after they'd started dating, one from Kurt's junior prom and one they had taken during the summer. Blaine picked all of them up with Kurt on them and threw them out.
When the photos hit the bottom of the empty trashcan there was a faint sound of some of the glass breaking. Blaine felt a single tear find it's way down his chin. He really couldn't believe he even had more tears left to spill, but they kept coming. He looked at the picture-frames for a moment before turning his back to the trashcan and walking to his bed. He could hardly look at the damn thing. Blaine could only imagine, that what he was feeling was what a left back family would feel walking through a house that once held another family member. He could remember all the things that had happened in the bedroom.
Blaine sat down on the bed and stared at the wall in front of him, waiting for it to fall down on top if him. But when a few minutes had passed and nothing had happened, Blaine pulled out his phone and texted David.
Make room in the choir, will you? I'm heading back soon. He put down the phone, lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. His phone buzzed under his arm. I did so a few times before he realized David was calling him. When he picked up, there where a lot of both happy and slightly concerned voices meeting his ear.
As Blaine explained to his friends, that he was now single, he started crying again, because this was yet another way of confirming the break-up. It was honestly ripping him in halves and it was hard to understand that it was all over. Almost a year had they lasted and then a sudden break. A sudden crack in the perfection they had started to form. It was ruined. It was gone like smoke from a dying fire. Blaine felt so fucking hopeless.
All his Dalton friends were trying to comfort him except Sebastian who was talking to somebody in the background.
"I told Hummel. Blaine's too good for him."
I'm sorry for any typos and/or misspellings.
