A/N: So I got this idea for a Crack!Fic a few weeks back. After talking with E, M, and K, I decided to run with it. It's not canon – but after the news this weekend, no canon is safe, it seems – so this can be taken with a whole shaker of salt. Heck, maybe a mine's worth of salt. My thanks to K for a spot edit on a few typos that I missed on my 3 edits of it. – DG

A/N2: this is Rated T only because nothing is *too* explicit. If y'all think it should be rated M/R please let me know. I'll be glad to move it up further. – DG


The dark robed wizards and witches slowly took their seats at the long table in the dining room at Malfoy Manor. Each was there by summons, save the ones currently incarcerated in Azkaban. Empty seats dotted the seating arrangement, showing how the previous week's disaster affected the gathering.

Seated at the head of the table was the Dark Lord, looking thunderous yet calm. Few of the important seats were filled, mostly by those who were fortunate to escape. To his right sat Bellatrix Lestrange, yet the seat across and next to her was empty.

"Who can we send into the Ministry to compel them? Whom here is free of the taint of Lucius' failure from the debacle this past week?" Narcissa flinched, along with Drago who looked at his hands on the table before him.

"My Lord, I will go."

"You, dear Bellatrix? Your head has as much bounty on it as mine does. You would be snatched up even faster than I would be. I need you here with me to fix the utter failure that Lucius made."

Silence stretched between the few people in the room.

"What about sending Wormtail into the Ministry? He would be most amenable to the task."

"Alas, you forget that he has been dead for the past number of years, even if Potter said otherwise. He won't be up for the task."

The faces sitting around the expansive table looked lost in the gathering.

"Severus should be here. He is the only one who was actually close enough to being smart, especially compared to the rest of my gathering."

"My Lord, I can impersonate my dear sister."

"You mean, concealed under polyjuice?"

Bellatrix looked alive with her revelation. "Yes, my Lord. No one would suspect Narcissa going into the Ministry, especially not now. I shall bring along Draco with me, and we can accomplish the task." Bellatrix put her hand out to her nephew sitting next to her at the table. "I have been teaching him certain necessary skills to assist me this coming year."

"Whom can we turn, to assist us on the inside? As long as Scrimgour is the head of MLE we will have difficulties doing what is necessary, at first."

"My Lord," Yaxley croaked from the end of the table, "there are a few Aurors whom are sympathetic to our cause. Having them assist us from inside the Ministry won't be difficult." Yaxley took a long pull from the goblet in front of him. "Scrimgour is weak, only projecting strength. In reality, his ascendency is brittle, easily broken when you're ready. You can say the word and he will be dead by the end of the day."

"Excellent. That will work, then. Yaxley will accompany you into the Ministry next week. You'll have to stop by to see to dear Lucius," Voldemort laughed at the humor only he realized, "but then going to see our target. And Yaxley?"

"Yes, My Lord?"

"Wait for disposing of Scrimgour. We have to have our man in position and ready when he is to be dealt with. Let's get him amenable to our cause before we change the way things are."


Two lone figures stood in front of the imposing gates to Malfoy Manor. The wizard – dressed in the latest fashions while looking considerably fit under his dark locks and well groomed goatee. He carried his cane with him, in grotesque imitation of the lord of the Manor. His cloak of black velvet flapped gently in the evening breeze.

Standing with him was a witch who was only there by summons. Where he was tall and dashing, she was short, corpulent, dressed in gaudy shades of Pink. She was asked to come with her supervisor, the wizard standing next to her. He mentioned in passing that he had urgent business to attend to with Mrs. Malfoy and would she join him this evening. Dolores Umbridge was appreciative to have a job still in the ministry. The political failings of her old boss Cornelius Fudge bothered her terribly. Her subsequent dismissal as Headmistress at Hogwarts was overshadowed by his failings in the Wizarding community. So when the summons came to her new supervisor, and he asked for her to accompany him, she couldn't refuse his request.

She was anxious to get in the good graces with her new Director, especially since the previous one failed her spectacularly.

Her appointment as assistant director to Thicknesse was a fortunate event, since Fudge was under fire from the Wizengamot for his stonewalling and refusal to heed the words of Dumbledore and Harry Potter a year prior. Thankfully Fudge took the blame and was under pressure for dismissal and resignation in shame for the last year. His blame would shelter her from anything she possibly did while working for him.

"Names," the warded gate inquired.

"Pius Thicknesse, Deputy Director of Magical Lawn Enforcement. With me is my chief of staff, Dolores Umbridge. We are here to see Narcissa Malfoy, concerning business regarding her husband."

The magical barrier shimmered before the two standing in front of it. "Enter. A house elf will be out momentarily to bring you to the house."

They stepped through the gates and stood just beyond the barrier. A faint hiss followed them into the shaded grounds in Wiltshire. A pop sounded and there stood a diminutive house elf. "Thicknesse, Umbridge, if that is correct. Please come with me."

The elf turned and scampered for the house. They keep pace easily, following the path between the ornamental gardens on the front of the residence. Before they approached the door it opened for them. The elf stood aside, offering to take their cloaks and cane, but both refused the elf's effort. "This way if you please," the elf chirped.

They turned and ascended the stairs, coming to the dining room on their left. "This way," the elf whispered. The two turned to their right, to the drawing room across the hallway. The elf pushed open the heavy door with ease and they followed him into the expansive room. A lone candle sat in the holder on top of the piano in the corner. Chairs lined the room. Thicknesse and Umbridge stood quiet while Narcissa finished the length of parchment she was writing.

A faint feeling crept across Dolores skin. If she ever felt the touch of a hand on her skin, that would be what it was closest to. She turned to the closed door and stood rooted to the floor. Coming from the darkness behind the door was none other than Voldemort. "Ah, good evening, Pius. Thank you for coming. Dolores, what a nice surprise, coming with him on such short notice. Please, stay, we have much to discuss."

He strode into the center of the room, facing the well-dressed wizard first. "What have you learned this week, Pius?"

"Scrimgeour has meetings this week and next with the Wizengamot. Hit Wizards are frantic trying to find you. So far, the Aurors who support our cause have given false flag trails all over the country. No one credible has seen you since the night at the Ministry. We also have introduced a man into the Portkey network, to keep tabs on the few places we have an interest in. Very shortly, we'll have eyes and ears where we need them first. From there, it's only a matter of time."

"How much time, Pius?"

"For full support, I estimate six to nine months. If we move faster, you will lose the network we're building. Too many Mudblood supporters are still in place. But a few well-timed deaths, made to look accidental, will help us. If we can thin out the riff-raff from the staff, it would go faster. There are many in important roles in the ministry that would easily support your efforts."

Voldemort turned to Dolores, still standing rigid next to her director. She stole a glance to the corner of the room, where Narcissa was still composing her letter. Her son Draco was sitting next to his mother, snacking on an apple in his hand, another one on his Mum's writing table.

"Your assistance is required, Dolores. Draco told us that you are a stickler for the rules and laws and bylaws passed by the Ministry. That dedication would be of use to us immediately and in the future."

Dolores took a step back before she froze. Someone was standing behind her. The tip of a wand was pressed none too gently into the side of her neck.

"Dear Bellatrix, Dolores here doesn't intend to shy away from my request, do you?" Umbridge shook her head in the negative. "Put your wand away for now. After we have a meeting of the minds, she will be more than willing to assist us in any way we need."

The wand was removed from her neck and the witch strode from behind Umbridge. The two standing in the middle of the room watched her saunter to a chair on the other side of Narcissa's writing desk. One head nod and Voldemort turned back to the two standing before him.

"Ah, Pius, take a seat over on the wall. Draco has some questions for you and Bellatrix has some further instructions for you."

The two left in the middle of the drawing room watched the Director walk towards the wall and take an awkward seat in the chair, sitting between Draco and Bellatrix. Bellatrix waved her wand and a silence overtook the rest of the room. The only ones possibly left in the room were the two remaining in the middle.

"Dolores," he whispered, "would you like to bring all inferior beings under your pink boot?"

"Yes, I would. I've been wronged by them and I want them brought to justice and punished, especially that Mudblood Granger."

Dolores stood in the middle of the drawing room while ruminating about the humiliation she suffered recently. She awoke in the Hospital wing shortly thereafter the failure to capture and punish Potter and his friends. He was alone responsible for the failure of her boss Fudge in the ministry. People believed the lies he told. Liars should be punished.

That he subverted her rules and laws, bringing in most of the students to break her rules only added fire to her animosity. Even that jumped up Muggle Lover Weasley was corrupted. Such a shame he had to be punished, too, along with the other purebloods.

She never saw the wand pointed at her face, or the word Legillimens, uttered in her direction.


Images were yanked from her mind and with all of them stood a handsome young man. He was tall and dark haired, wearing older styled robes. He was someone who turned her head the second she laid her eyes on him. He was standing before her while the rest of the students passed them in the hallway leading to the Great Hall. He looked about her age, yet his robes said that he was an older student. It didn't make sense because she was a 7th year Slytherin and she never saw him before. Nothing made sense except the Head Boy badge on his chest gleamed next to his house robes.

"Dolores, what can I do for you?"

Fleeting emotions crossed her face while the studious young man looked down at her. He absorbed everything she showed on her face. She turned from him, blushing like a girl confronted by her first crush.

"Dolores, Look at me."

She turned her head up at the dashing young man standing before her. His russet eyes burned with a fire she never experienced before. There was something there, focused on her, that she only heard about from the other girls, when they only suspected she heard.

A warm, clammy hand intertwined with hers. "Which one at the table caught your eye?"

She blushed even harder. "He doesn't know, he can't know. I'd die if he knew I fancied him."

"What if I said that I fancy you, Dolores?"

Her head snapped so fast back to the dark haired young man before her. "You're teasing me now."

"Hardly, Dolores. Let us retire to the Common room, so we can be further acquainted."

The dark haired young man pulled her astride him and they left, hand in hand, to return to the basement Common Room.

Within moments he had the dimutive witch where he wanted her, emotionally and mentally. A few well spoken words, a few gentle caresses and she became the putty in his hands, ripe with the information and tools to put her to use. A few more implanted thoughts into her head, actions that he wouldn't deign to do, were all he needed to make her his willing servant.


Narcissa finished her fourth letter of parchment for Lucius. He would receive the post the following day. Unlike owl post, this one was sent to the Ministry and inspected by an Auror before it was passed to the inmate. By his own admission, she couldn't send messages of love and hope – the dementors would only suck those out of him immediately. No, this letter was nothing but business.

She hoped his stint in Azkaban would be short-lived.

Spending almost all of her time with her sister was painful enough. But having him in their residence was almost too much to cope with. If she could remain in her own quarters, and away from these guests she could manage. Unfortunately, their guest took their master suite and she was forced to move to the guest quarters.

She turned and watched in fascination at the two standing in the middle of the room. Bellatrix left with Pius Thicknesse some time ago while she was in the middle of writing. Draco took the second apple with him and retired to his rooms.

Narcissa watched Voldemort work over Umbridge. She remembered her from her days at Hogwarts, barely recognizing the younger woman before her. She was adept, almost brilliant, as a child. Her ambitions pushed away most who would find her remotely interesting to know on a personal level. But her cunning was already apparent by the time she was in her second year. She bled green and silver like the rest in the house.

Narcissa watched the witch garner the Dark Lord's attention and was fascinated with the demonstration before her.

If I had to guess, he's rifling through her mind. Maybe he's finding useful knowledge to help us with his task. The sooner he's out of her the better for us. Why Lucius invited him into our home baffles me. I know he was favored, but can't he have stayed somewhere else?

Seconds passed, only measured by heartbeats felt under her dress robes. And yet watching the passive look on his face, almost bored, he wielded magic upon the diminutive witch before him. She, on the other hand, was starting to shake. What is he doing to her?

The witch twitched and a faint moan echoed feebly across the room. Dear Merlin! Is he doing what I think he's doing? She's acting like – She watched in terrible fascination as the witch was shaking even more, barely able to stay on her feet. Her pink hat fell from her head when her eyes rolled back inside their sockets.

"Ah, is my Lord breaking another witch to his will?" a voice whispered in Narcissa's ears. "Watch Cissy! This is a rare treat for us."

Narcissa turned a shrewd eye to her sister sitting next to her. "If I didn't know any better, I'd assume that they were copulating, with how she's reacting to the spell. But he's not laid a finger on her."

Bellatrix watched from the next seat over. She yawned almost immediately. "Yes, it looks like he's delving her mind. He's done it before, you know. When he fucks your mind it's exquisite. A man's touch is nothing compared to the lust he shares when he delves you. Rodolphus is nothing by comparison."

Narcissa looked at her sister and considered the implied taunt. "Surely you jest? I realize that your husband was a business arrangement but I will not break my vow and bond with Lucius."

"Suit yourself. You won't know what you're missing though, Cissy."

The two witches turned back to the demonstration. The Dark Lord turned back to them and smiled. It was far from pleasant and hardly warm. "Watch, and learn, dear Bellatrix." He turned back and twisted his wrist. His wand snapped forward and the witch moaned in sheer bliss. The two witches watched the third crumple to the floor, shaking uncontrollably and close to hyperventilating. Nonsense poured from her mouth and her skin was a hideous shade of pink.

"That is how you break someone, dear Bellatrix. Not everything requires pain. Sometimes, a person is bereft of the one thing they crave above all else. It's a weakness of the flesh. Once you find it, you use that to break them." He glanced back once again at the wretched witch at his feet. "Watch further when she recovers. Since she is a Pureblood, she will be treated especially well. Why harm someone who is of use, for now?"

"For now, my lord?"

Voldemort shared a look with Bellatrix before he turned back to the witch on the floor. She was still quivering. He shook his head and summoned a chair to sit in front of the broken toad before him. His posture and calm demeanor hid his intentions.

Ever so slowly, Dolores opened her eyes to the red ones looking down at her.

"Dolores, how are you?"

"My Lord?" She continued to pant in a most uncivil manner. "I'm – "

She saw the feigned concern on his distorted face, mistaking it for genuine. "I'm your servant. Anything you need, need only ask."

"Take your time and pull yourself together. You're among friends."

Bellatrix laughed in the back of the room. The sisters watched while she straightened her clothes and tried to right her hair. Her hasty attempts to recompose herself were ineffective to the other two in the room. She finally toddled to her feet and stood before the Dark Lord reclining in the chair before her.

"Now, Dolores, will you help us?"

She lowered her head in acceptance and submission.

"What are your instructions, my Lord?"

She missed the malevolent smile that crossed his face.

"Go back to Thicknesse and work with him. He will be our eyes and ears in the Ministry. Help him establish the laws we need to put those revolting Mudbloods and half-breeds under our heels, when we are ready to strike. Do this and you will be rewarded… further."

Bellatrix cackled even further, louder than before.