This story is being posted in "parts" usually 3-4 chapters long and about 15k-25k words in length. The whole story will eventually cover from June '78 until June '96.
When I've finished posting a part I mark the story complete until I have time to return and work on it again. The parts normally end with a bit of closure, so although the entire story isn't finished as a reader you won't be left hanging too much.
I only clarify this to avoid frustration from readers who think they are reading a completed work and are annoyed to discover I tricked them with the 'complete' tag. :-P
Leave me some love,
Happy Reading! xx
For my friend, constant cheerleader and talented writer IWLTxo. Happy Birthday!
**~ Part One ~**
'It's like this,' Sirius told his refection in the toilet mirror sternly, as the floor rattled beneath his feet. He just needed to nut up and tell Remus, because if he didn't, Sirius might go insane and die. Or, less dramatically, and more likely, mope about his flat eating chips and scowling for the foreseeable future.
If Sirius had pictured his final train journey from Hogwarts it would have been filled with farewell japery and laughter. Surrounded by his three best friends, and all the clamouring hangers-on, as well as Lily, (the Ginger Controller) who Sirius had to admit had grown on him in the last few months. This could be related to her constant presence at James's side wearing him down, or the fact that she had suddenly stopped bothering trying to get Sirius to behave, declaring him a lost cause. Of which he most certainly was, and proud.
But instead of games and jokes, teasing Pete and snickering with Remus while Lily bossed an ever-so-slightly hen-pecked James around, Sirius was alone, in the loo. Not because he was toileting, but because he was planning a clever and cunning ambush. Well, actually, maybe just an ambush.
Pete was off chatting up the pudgy sweet-trolley girl, trying to get some free liquorice wands … or get his wand licked… Sirius hadn't really been listening. James and Remus were at some responsible-people's farewell meeting with the other prefects. But that would be over pretty soon and Sirius had a niggling need to talk to Remus alone.
He was hesitant about addressing the constant little nudge in his head that said Remus was quite fanciable. Not because it meant Sirius liked blokes, although that too had been somewhat of a surprise, but because he was Remus. And telling your mate that you thought he was a bit sexy, was normally quite a good way to ruin a friendship, or, get punched.
So, for the last eight months Sirius had been pushing his little crush aside, and until recently, shagging any girl that would let him. Because it was fun and he was eighteen, and not at all because he was in denial and completely arse-over-tit for one of his best friends. He just refused to ruin his last year of school by telling Remus how he felt and being shot down, and then having to sleep in the next bed from him every night. Not to mention James and Pete wouldn't be pleased to have their friends' out-of-sorts.
But now, school was done, they were grown-ups, or nearly. Sirius would be turning nineteen in November, and they had grown-up lives to live. Sirius, James and Peter would be attending their first full Order meeting the following night, it was both exciting and terrifying that war had arrived on their doorstep. Remus, though inducted into the Order like the rest of them wasn't going to the meeting, he was going to begin a special task for Dumbledore the very next day. A special task that only Remus was suited to, he was going to spy on the werewolves.
The likelihood of mortal combat with nasty bigoted bastards was the push that Sirius needed to wrangle his courage and say something to Remus.
The endless propaganda in the Daily Prophet with its death count and horrific tales of torture and suffering, had Sirius concerned that something horrible would happen and he'd be left regretting not having had the balls to tell him.
It wasn't a complete suicide mission, just a high risk one. Sirius had a suspicion that his feelings weren't entirely one-sided. Even he wasn't mad enough to be hiding in the pokey lavatory to spring an ambush on a probably jumpy werewolf just to prove a point.
But Remus, ever the master of understated affection, was very difficult to read. But he never questioned when Sirius sat a bit to close, or held eye contact for a few seconds longer than was necessary. In fact, he didn't even comment when he caught Sirius quite blatantly ogling him the previous Tuesday morning. Remus had been dashing about the dormitory in only a towel-skirt because he was late for his final N.E.W.T. exam. Something that was very unusual because Remus was normally quite modest and changed in the bathroom and also, he was never late to anything, let alone an exam.
Sirius had been pleasantly surprised to discover that under the uniform of button down and cardigan Remus was quite built. Sirius found it strange that he had never noticed before, considering he saw Moony practically, or entirely nude after his transformation each month. But when he thought back to those mornings – through his black and white Padfoot-vision – all he ever remembered was cringing, battered Remus, hauling the blanket over him and shutting his eyes weakly to wait for the matron and her pain potions to arrive. Healthy, upright and exam-panicky Remus, hurrying around their sleeping quarters bare-chested and speckled with water from the shower was another story all together.
There was a sudden upswing in volume out in the corridor of the car, interrupting Sirius's preoccupation.
"Kissed her square on the cheek!" Sirius heard James's voice saying, "She was still shouting Detention! as we were climbing into the carriages."
Riotous laughter followed this pronouncement and Sirius grinned to himself. The pink-faced Professor McGonagall trying to put him in detention for giving her a gentlemanly farewell, was something he would remember fondly for quite a while.
She'd been so flustered she'd forgotten that as a leaving seventh year he wouldn't be available to serve detention the following term. He wondered if Professor McGonagall had been feeling a bit nostalgic... it was also highly likely that "Detention" was just the default word that came out of her mouth whenever she saw him, after seven years of it being a requirement.
The laughter was still quite loud as Sirius slid the loo door open a crack and peered out, he was almost too late, amongst the passing students was Remus. Luckily he was on the nearest side of the corridor.
Sirius rolled the door wide enough to slip through and reached out to grab Remus's elbow. Dragging him back from the crowd who were now mostly distracted by James, who was doing a frighteningly accurate impression of McGonagall's flustered dressing-down.
"Hey! What the –" Remus yelped, stumbling as Sirius yanked at his arm, but then in a bout of overzealous good measure Sirius slapped his hand over Remus's mouth and pulled him into the toilet. He felt a painful pinching across his palm as he closed the door behind them, and jerked the appendage away from Remus.
"Ow! You bit me!" he exclaimed, almost disbelieving.
"You put your hand over my mouth," Remus said, eyeing him with indignant bewilderment, "what did you expect me to do?" He looked around, and the confused expression intensified. "Pads, um, we're in the loo."
"I know." Sirius said, inspecting his hand for punctures. There were none, but there was a little pink line running vertically up his palm, "I didn't want Prongs to know I was talking to you." He said looking at Remus guiltily.
Remus's forehead furrowed, "I think James may know we talk to each other," he said slowly, a lock of thick, floppy brown hair fell into his face as he tilted his head in consternation. The sun-bleached ends from the previous summer obscured one eye, Sirius wanted to brush it away but Remus shook his head and disarranged it, before he asked seriously, "Are you feeling okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine." Sirius said edgily. His hands were fidgeting and he shoved them in his pockets to hide them. "No look, I wanted to talk to you about something without James knowing."
"Right," Remus said, still wary, "what?"
Sirius opened his mouth but nothing came out, he shut it again, and looked down at his boots for inspiration. Now that Remus was actually here in the tiny space, practically having to perch on the narrow sink behind him, Sirius was at a loss.
But the morbid reminder that this was possibly his last chance, and that some things were more important than feeling a bit self-conscious pushed him on. He met Remus's worried eyes and tried again, "You've got your thing for Dumbledore tomorrow," he started.
"I do," Remus agreed cautiously, "and you lot are going to the meeting at headquarters." He said as though he thought Sirius was feeling left out.
"Yeah, but, I mean," Sirius stumbled over the words, annoyed at himself, "I'm not – er, we're not going to see you for a while are we?" he asked, the unsaid, 'Because you might get eaten by other wolves or Avada Kedavera'd by Death Eaters,' was left hanging in the air between them.
"Probably not," Remus said, quietly pessimistic, "The wolves will be able to tell I've been living a good life as it is, they're not going to want to trust me, so running off to have a pint with you lot won't help."
"Exactly," Sirius said, "and even though I'm a spectacular dueller, and extremely good at getting out of trouble," Remus raised an eyebrow, amused despite the depressing topic. Sirius's nerves made him sound flighty and urgent as he continued, "We are, you know, at war, and anything could happen and I wanted to –"
There was a sudden thudding on the door at Sirius's back and someone said peevishly, "Are you nearly done in there?"
"No, bugger off!" Sirius called back, frustrated at the interruption.
"Pads," Remus said, before he could start rambling again, "are you having second thoughts? About the Order?"
"No, I just, I feel like I have to tell you just in case," he grimaced at the unavoidably dramatic sentence as he finished, "just in case, we don't ever see each other again."
But Remus's eyes narrowed suspiciously, "Tell me what? What have you done?"
"No, it's not bad," Sirius said hastily, "well, I don't think so… remember that conversation we had about my, er, turnover of lady friends?"
"You mean when l called you a whore?" Remus asked, quite obviously surprised at the sudden tangent in conversation.
"Yes, that one." Sirius said. Even though what Remus had actually said was 'If you're going to behave like a whore could you at least start charging, so the rest of us may benefit from it too?' But the sentiment was the same. It had made Sirius realise that if he ever wanted to have a go at anything at all with Remus, shagging girls in the same room as him probably wasn't the best bet. "Well you might have noticed that I've been a paragon of virtue since then," Sirius drew a quick breath and before he lost his nerve he said, "and it's because of you. "
There was a horrible hopeful swooping in Sirius's belly as Remus smiled, but then he laughed quietly and said, "I'm glad that I finally got through to you, some of those girls…" he wrinkled his nose, "I'd rather lick the bathroom floor than their …" he shuddered instead of finishing and gave Sirius a weird tremulous smile. "Why didn't you want Prongs to know that?" Remus looked away quickly and started to manoeuvre his way passed Sirius as if he was leaving. "He was giving you shit this morning about your dry-spell, I think he's noticed you've turned over a new leaf."
Sirius panicked, he thought he'd been clear, "No, Rem, wait," he snagged Remus's wrist. "I mean it's because I don't want them anymore, I –" he gulped, and forced the last three words out, "I want you." It sounded blunt and demanding and fairly ridiculous but he'd said it now, he couldn't take it back.
Sirius didn't know what sort of reaction he had expected, but anything would surely be better than the dumbfounded vacantness he was presented with.
Eventually Remus blinked, then he looked down at Sirius's hand still circling his wrist. He frowned at it like it was a mildly interesting curio, "You're gay?" he asked, sounding bemused, but making no move to dislodge Sirius's grip.
Well, Sirius thought, at least it wasn't, 'Get your hands off me you dirty queer,' but he supposed Remus would be too polite to say that, even if he did think it. Then he realised that Remus was looking at him again, the blank expression he wore gave no hint to his true feelings, and Sirius found himself staring at his lips. Lips he was sure were remarkably more noticeable than they had been five minutes ago. He cleared his throat nervously and said, "More like not as straight as I led people to believe?"
"Oh," Remus said, and he twisted his wrist to loosen Sirius's hand. Sirius was sure he was trying to yank it free. But then, as he pulled it away Sirius felt Remus's fingers twitch against his palm and, after a pause, they bravely laced through Sirius's. They were warm and slightly clammy, but there was nothing hesitant about it.
Sirius was still trying to figure out if it was an affirmation of reciprocal feelings or a consoling, I'll still be your friend thing, when Remus tugged on his arm so that Sirius staggered forward half a step. Remus's free hand was suddenly tight on his shoulder and there were soft, but surprisingly sure lips against his own.
It was so unexpected that Sirius couldn't quite process what was happening, returned feelings or not, Remus J Lupin just didn't go snogging blokes in the loo! Sirius's reaction was so delayed that Remus pulled back.
"You, tosser." he said, frowning heavily and jabbing at Sirius's shoulder in punctuation. His cheeks were coloured, and he was looking everywhere but Sirius's face as he fumbled for the door handle.
Finally Sirius's brain sorted itself out. He'd been right, Remus fancied him too, or at least thought he was worth a kiss, which was mad on so many levels.
"Sorry," Sirius managed, and he reached out to hold the door shut, "you surprised me." he said. Then he leaned in closer again, intent on fixing the situation. But Remus turned his face away, looking at their reflections in Sirius's pep-talk mirror, a wry little smile on his lips.
Remus's smile turned brittle in the refection – the smile of someone who was used to hiding their feelings. It made Sirius ache as he met Remus's eyes in the mirror.
It was odd to see the pair of them framed in the slightly bowed glass, standing so close, Remus's hand still held tight in his. It made it seem more real, and Sirius had to admit, more daunting. He wondered if others would be able to tell, their clasped hands were the only give-away, otherwise they just looked like two normal boys. There was barely an inch between their heights, but that was where the similarities ended. Sirius had darker hair but paler skin, and there was a shadow of stubble on his jaw but he still looked younger than Remus.
It wasn't that Remus's face was aged, but there was always something lingering about his eyes that made him look more than his eighteen years. Sirius couldn't help but notice the other contrasts between them, him in his brand new Hobgoblins t-shirt that the counter girl in Gladrags had told him was "distressed," which was highly fashionable apparently – Sirius wondered if they were just trying to save money by recycling their worn-out clothes.
Remus was as contrary as it was possible to be to Sirius's overpriced brand-new tatty t-shirt. His cardigan spoke of impeccable tidiness, even though it had been darned at least twice that Sirius could see. The collared shirt he wore beneath it was pressed and neatly buttoned. It made Sirius want to rumple him.
"You are the most obtuse person on the planet." Remus muttered.
"I am?"
Remus nodded, "Yes. Did you really think I didn't have any idea?" he asked, "It's not normal for mates to fall asleep in each other's beds, or stare at each other in the shower, or–"
"But, you never said!" Sirius interrupted, realising that Remus never showered in front of anyone, so he must have meant that he was the one doing the staring. Interesting.
"Neither did you." Remus pointed out, "For the same reason I didn't I'm guessing?"
Sirius met his questioning gaze and said honestly, "In case I was wrong, I didn't want to fuck everything thing up, James and Pete…"
Remus nodded again and smiled a little sadly. "It's not like anything can happen anyway. So it's for the best, it would have just made everything weird."
"I know it's not the done thing, blokes and blokes," Sirius said quickly, not liking the direction this was heading, "but I'm sure James and Lily, Peter, they wouldn't care. It's not like it's anything–"
"No Pads," Remus said gently, "I mean I'm going to live with werewolves, it's the most helpful thing I can do, just like yours is helping bring down Death Eaters. Us being, what … boyfriends? That's not going to work." Sirius opened his mouth to disagree, but Remus squeezed his hand and he stayed quiet, "I might not see you til next summer, or longer even, I have no idea what it's going to be like." He looked hunched and a little frightened, and it hit Sirius that he probably hadn't talked to anyone except Dumbledore about what was in store for him with the wolves. Sirius wasn't even supposed to know.
"Moony," Sirius said, trying to sound reassuring, "you'll be fine, they've been living off scraps and sleeping rough for a long time, you might be a bit more polite," he pinched the thin wool of Remus's cardigan between his finger and thumb, "and own more cardi's, but if it comes to a fight, you'll have them," he squeezed Remus's arm, "you've gotten quite buff you know."
A reluctant grin pulled at the edge of Remus's mouth, "You're so daft." He pulled Sirius in for another kiss, which was wonderful and only slightly frightening. Firm warm lips and soft darting tongue had Sirius completely lost in the confined space. Remus was enthusiastic and surprisingly handsy. Sirius, who'd had only the vaguest plan of telling Remus how he felt in private, so that the others wouldn't know if it all went tits-up, was suddenly wondering if he dared explore the intriguing bulge that he could feel pressing into his leg as he pushed Remus against the wall, and deepened the kiss.
Before Sirius could get any further with such tantalising thoughts, there was a banging on the toilet door. Remus jolted and pushed Sirius back, but their hands stayed linked, and Sirius couldn't drag his eyes from the sight of a heavily breathing, slightly smirking Remus.
"Padfoot?" asked James's voice.
Sirius startled, Bloody Prongs.
Sirius looked at Remus, hoping he would know what to do, he seemed to read Sirius's mind because he shook his head and said in a whisper, "you dragged me in here, what's the plan?"
"Wing it?" Sirius shrugged, his heart was pounding in his chest, he didn't particularly want to come out on the sodding train surrounded by their school mates, but he was stuck, "What?" he called back.
"It is you! Damn it," James cursed.
"Ha!" Said a voice Sirius didn't recognise, "Told you Potter, pay up."
"Carmichael reckons you're shagging in there," James said, evidently wanting Sirius to deny it.
"Well I was until you lot interrupted," Sirius said, deciding that his reputation as ladies' man – whore – was finally worth something. "Rude that, isn't it Moony?" he continued conversationally.
Remus closed his eyes and gave an exasperated little laugh, but he played along, "Yes Padfoot." He said gravely, "The height of social misconduct, interrupting two gents shagging in the lav."
There was a sudden burst of laughter from the other side of the door, and Sirius realised the wager between James and Carmichael was not a private one.
"Five galleons thanks Carmichael," chortled James, then slightly louder he said, "Hurry up you two, whatever scheming is going on needs to involve me."
Remus winced at Sirius, "Absolutely not," he said, and Sirius shook with silent laughter, then Remus's mouth was next to his ear and he felt the laughter drain away as Remus said, "I'm glad you told me, even if nothing can happen. It's good to know there's … someone." he broke off and hugged Sirius roughly, then dropped his hand to open the door.
There was whistling and hooting as Remus stepped out into the corridor, and Sirius heard him saying in a stage whisper to James, "I had to find out what all the fuss was about – the girls that have been through our dormitory in the last couple of years!"
James was laughing hysterically at what was obliviously a carefully crafted mischief cover-up. "Did he live up to expectations?"
Remus looked over his shoulder at Sirius, who was now receiving congratulatory pats on the back for another excellently executed marauder gag.
"Ruined me for all others." Remus said, to gales of hysterical laughter. But when he met Sirius's eyes the brittle little smile was back.
