Lucy shifted her gigantic bouquet of roses, feeling her arms grow tired supporting their weight for so long. Wasn't someone supposed to take her flowers from her when she got up here? Was it too late to hand it off to someone? She glanced over at her maid of honor, a casual acquaintance from five years ago, whose father was a friend of Lucy's father. The girl sent her a smile as big as Lucy's bouquet, her face looking so weirdly vacant that Lucy couldn't help but stare for a good long time before remembering that she was supposed to be paying attention to the officiant.

Anyway, if she handed off her bouquet, what was she supposed to do with her hands? Her groom might try to hold them or something. Shudder.

Seriously. How long did this need to take? What was the officiant even talking about? She hadn't been paying attention. She hoped it wasn't something perverted.

In a perfect world, this ceremony would be three minutes tops. I dos, rings, kiss, you're done. Bing-bang-boom, let's have cake. (Lucy was looking forward to the cake. She'd taste tested it and it was heavenly. She was going to have four slices and ignore all the dirty looks people shot at her. If she had to go through with this stupid wedding, she was going to enjoy at least some small part of it.)

In a perfect world, Makarov would be officiating. He'd be concise. Even with a stirring speech about the strength found in love and supporting bonds of family, it would be shorter than this. It would also make her cry loads of happy tears.

In a perfect world, all of Fairy Tail would be here, dressed to the nines, looking like models and pimps and street performers, all ready to sob and celebrate. In a perfect world, Natsu and Levy would have had a full out battle two months ago over who got to be her maid of honor. As it was, Levy wasn't even here (nor were Erza or Gray or Mira or the others), and Natsu and Happy were seated someplace in the far back. She couldn't see him, but he'd given her a thumbs up yesterday when they separated, telling her he wouldn't miss it.

He was probably looking stiff and awkward in a nice shirt and a jacket he borrowed from Wakaba, probably stuffed into the far end of a pew next to some distant friends of the family, probably just as bored as Lucy. If she held her breath, she imagined she could hear him snore.

In a perfect world, Lucy's mother would be seated in the front row, dabbing the corners of her eyes with a handkerchief, smiling and looking proud. Instead, her father sat alone, pinning her with a warning look to not back out now and make him look bad. He reminded her with his look that she had a duty and an obligation. She'd agreed and going back on a promise was unacceptable.

In a perfect world, her dress would be exactly the same. Because damn! She looked fine. She had no clue how she'd managed to get so lucky. But then again, she wasn't really lucky at all.

In a perfect world, her groom would be someone she knew more than just a name and a couple of brief lunches and awkward dinners. He would like books. He would take her stargazing. He would think she was sweet and he'd have a really handsome smile. He'd wear normal clothes like a normal person and not try to pick fights with everyone and he'd be loyal to her and loyal to his friends. He'd swoon when he was rescued from a gross monster by a beautiful, powerful, blonde, stellar spirit mage in a mini skirt.

"Oh, thank you, Lucy! Thank you! I would have been done for if you hadn't saved me!"

Confident pose. "Just part of the job!"

Sakura petals and glitter. "I love you, Lucy! You're amazing. Let's away to my castle on the beach."

Yes. That would be perfect. Someone with whom she could have a conversation and a relationship instead of a legal agreement and a last name change. Someone she would see regularly instead of pretending they didn't exist whenever humanly possible. Tomorrow she'd go back to Fairy Tail and only show up whenever her new husband needed her to make an appearance, and he'd go back to whatever boring work he did without having to have her in the way. Not a perfect agreement, but far better than a few alternatives she could imagine.

A sudden, warmth spiked in her heart, nearly causing her to gasp as her magic suddenly drained. One of her spirits had materialized behind her. Loke. She'd know the smug pull of his magic anywhere. A smile tugged at her lips as she discretely scanned the crowd, hoping to see him standing in the back, smiling at her in sad encouragement, but she couldn't find him. He probably blended quite well, sitting in one of the pews next to an elderly aunt and looking completely presentable in his suit. An uninvited guest, but one that would shmooze with the relatives and not one that would crash her wedding into fiery ruins.

That was still Natsu's job, and Loke was too polite to step on anyone's toes like that.

Unable to find him, she turned back to the proceedings, unsure if she should feel happy he had come after all, or annoyed that he'd shown up late and used her own magic to do it. Jerk. He probably thought he was funny. He'd probably have some quip for her later. "Oh, Lucy. Is it really such a drain? Forgive me. You'll need your stamina to be higher, what with your wedding night coming up and all."

Or something. The problem with Loke was that just when she thought she knew what he'd say, he'd take it in a completely different direction just to throw her off.

Something shifted in the air. Like a creak as an old house settled, except the church was solid stone. Like the popping static of electricity before a lightning strike. Like a footstep you could feel through the floor. The officiant droned on, the high pitched whine of growing energy unnoticed by everyone but Lucy, who had once again completely lost track of the proceedings.

With a boom, the wall before the altar exploded, throwing stone and mortar into her face, sending the altar cloths fluttering in a burst of wind and light. She shielded her face from the bast as a cloud of dust rolled past her. Chunks of rubble scattered through her hair, bouncing off her dress. People screamed. Bridesmaids fell to the ground in a shower of pink petals.

Two figures in silhouette emerged from the rubble, standing a moment, obscured enough by the cloud of dust that she couldn't make out their features, visible enough that she could see the cocky way in which they stood. Before they came into focus, they rushed forward, snapping punch after kick at the groomsmen who had managed to keep their feet, moving in a blur with a shine of green magic and a flash of a magic circle before the front pew exploded.

She gasped and took a step back as they straightened and she realized she was alone at the front, all the nameless members of her wedding party strewn about on the floor.

Both attackers turned to her, tensing to pounce, and she took in their odd, rag tag outfits of dark cloaks and fingerless gloves. One had a pair of dark, aviator glasses and a beanie with cat ears. The other had a gray scarf wrapped around his head and the lower half of his face. It looked far too feminine, like something from Mira's closet.

Cat ear guy clapped his hands together and twisted his wrists and a translucent pink wall burst out of the floor, sparkling with what looked like glitter, separating Lucy and the fallen bridal party from the screaming congregation.

And then she truly was alone. Defeating them was up to Lucy now. She set her jaw, narrowed her eyes, and grabbed for the keys strapped to her thigh just above her garter belt. Once again, she gave thanks for the high slit in her sexy wedding dress. Striking a pose and aiming the key at her attackers like a sword, she shouted, "Open, gate of the golden bull! Taur...taur...us?"

With a splutter and a sigh, her magic energy drained, slurped, and disappeared, leaving her standing in relative silence while the two men stared at her.

Oh right. Loke was already out, wasn't he?

Her eyelids flickered. Her body swayed. And she had enough time to wonder where the hell he could possibly be before her legs gave out beneath her.

Cat ear guy scooped her up before she hit the ground and tossed her over his shoulder. Together the two men scurried over the fallen chunks of wall and out the hole they'd blown in the side of the church.

"I like the pink sparkles," scarf guy said, sounding far too amused considering how he was hauling himself over a pile of bricks.

"Shut it!" Cat ear guy snapped. "Did you know that would happen?"

"What? I said I liked it."

"Bastard."

Scarf guy chuckled and commented on how beautiful the day was, and Lucy blinked the dark spots from her eyes as they emerged into the church yard at a run.

"Let go of me!" she shrieked, banging her fist against her captor's back. It was hard to get a good angle so she decided on quantity over quality with her punches. The man carrying her simply shifted her weight.

Scarf guy peered over at her without slowing his pace. "Don't tell me that's hurting you."

Cat ear guy grunted in irritation, his pace quickening.

"Put me down right now, you pervert!"

"Dude. She recognizes you."

"Would you shut up?!"

Lucy scrunched up her face and rammed her knee into his stomach. He stumbled with a muted curse, and Lucy wriggled until he lost his hold on her and she fell hard on the ground, rolling once through the grass.

Damn it! Her dress!

Oh, they would pay.

Scarf guy pulled up short, ready to snap something at his partner, but before he could get the words out, his whole body snapped around to face the church and lowered into a fighting stance. Lucy rubbed her head with a wince and turned to follow his gaze.

Standing about ten yards away was Natsu, hands on his hips with his chest puffed out, looking terribly proud of himself for foiling this kidnapping attempt. Happy swooped over his head in a wobbling, fluttering orbit.

Lucy's heart soared. Her friends had come to rescue her! These stupid kidnappers wouldn't know what hit them. Heh heh heh. Fiery doom! She was ready to shoot them a smug glare when Natsu punched his fist into his hand.

That's when she noticed something else about his appearance: his wild, excited grin wide enough to show his canines.

"Good timing! This was starting to get boring!" he shouted

"Aye!"

All the happiness she'd felt evaporated.

He just wanted to have a fight.

This wasn't about her at all.

Uggg.

Scarf guy shifted and spoke to his partner without moving his eyes from his opponent. "I'll take Natsu. You take Happy."

Cat ear guy jerked as though he'd been punched. "What?! Happy?"

"Glitter Make him something. He'll be distracted."

"Aye!"

"You take Happy. I can bring down that flame brain easy."

"I'm sure," scarf guy said, his tone bordering on patronizing. "But can you do it while carrying our precious Lucy?"

"I can beat him with one arm and a blind fold."

"Oi!" Natsu yelled.

"I'll slow him down while you get Lucy to the car." He barely finished speaking before he sprung, flying forward, a ball of green magic in his hand.

Natsu grinned and dodged to the right, then left, blocking one punch and aiming his own at his attacker's stomach.

His lips pressed together in irritation, cat ear guy turned back to Lucy, as Natsu and scarf guy broke apart and fell back together. Cat ears grabbed her wrist, and tore her attention from the fight as he hauled her to her feet.

"What is your problem? Get off!" she said, tugging at his hold on her.

He didn't answer, pulling towards the edge of the church yard as she staggered behind him.

No way. She was not letting him kidnap her.

She stopped walking and stubbornly sunk to the ground. In response, he grabbed her wrist in both hands and dragged her.

"Hey! My dress!"

"You can't drag Lucy," Happy piped from above. "She's too heavy."

"What?! I am not!"

The man freed his hands to press them together again, a pink magic circle appearing before him as Happy fell into a screaming dive towards his face. Something exploded behind her in part of Natsu's battle, muffling the name of the spell, and then Happy was falling, his arms and wings encased in a pink block, his scream taking on a different timber. The encasement cracked as he hit the ground, falling apart completely when he bounced, and he was left sprawled on the ground looking dizzy.

"Happy!"

Cat ear guy grabbed her arm and hauled her to her feet and again she struggled, pushing against his chest, trying to get back to the fallen cat.

"He's fine. Come on."

Lucy screamed as loud as she possibly could, a piercing, ear shredding scream without words.

Her captor jerked his head away from her. "God! That was right in my ear!"

"Good!"

He rubbed at his ear, keeping a firm grip on her wrist with his other hand. She realized as he grimaced that he wasn't being as rough with her as he could be. He was still a jerk, but at least he wasn't as violent as the usual goons who tried to kidnap her.

She punched him in the jaw, then aimed a knee at his stomach. Before she could make contact, he'd spun her, pinning her arms and holding her back tight against his chest. She screamed again, but it wasn't nearly as effective this time.

"Lucy, would you just be quiet and let us rescue you?"

"Res-"

She was thrown over his shoulder before she could finish her thought and they were once again moving away from the church.

Raising her head, she had a good view of the battle raging behind them. Natsu shouted her name and tried to move past his attacker, but he was blocked with a flying kick followed by a punch and they fell into hitting each other again until Natsu flew back, flipped and landed on his feet. He rose, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, hunching his shoulders while his opponent took up his own stance, a fist held in front of his face.

"Roar of the fire dragon!" His column of fire met a beam of swirling green light from his opponent, and for a moment the two forces pressed against each other, playing out their own battle of brute force and sheer will, each pushing against each other, neither giving any ground. Then the area between them exploded in a burst of power, and as the cloud of raised dust and charred grass settled, both men were still standing.

Cutting off her view of the battle and causing her to squeak, her kidnapper deposited her on the front seat of a car. He leapt into place in front of the wheel, throwing off his trench coat as he moved (eliciting another squeak from Lucy.) In one movement, he landed hard next to her, pushed her down the bench with his hip, shoved up his right sleeve, plunged his arm into the SE-plug, and took off.

The sudden speed threw Lucy backwards with a shriek, and it took her a minute to right herself given the wind and their velocity and the the crazy mess of her dress around her legs. In her awkward position toppled over behind the bench, she was actually showing a fair bit of leg now, which didn't quite makes sense. How could her dress be indecent while still having enough fabric to restrain her at the same time? This kind of thing could only happen to her.

Pushing herself to her hands and knees and brushing her hair from her face, she looked back toward the church.

Scarf guy turned his head slightly, checking their progress out of the corner of his eye. Even from their ever increasing distance, even with half his face covered, Lucy could make out the smug glint in his eyes. Natsu flew forward with a wordless cry, his fist coated in flames, arm drawn back for a punch. Scarf guy stood, calm and patient. He brushed the bridge of his nose with a knuckle.

Then he vanished. A shimmer and a blur and he was gone.

And all the force in Natsu's attack slammed against the ground.

Lucy gasped, searching the area for the man to reappear. She searched even as Natsu pushed himself to his feet and jogged after her...

Only to slow and stop a moment later, staring, his form growing smaller and smaller..

With a sinking feeling, she understood their plan. Scarf guy wouldn't reappear. They'd already won. Natsu couldn't save her if she was in a vehicle.

She had to make a jump for it.

As soon as she had the thought, her captor grabbed her, pulling her up to sit next to him.

"Where are you taking me?" she demanded.

"Home."

She gaped at him, but he swerved around a corner and hit a bump that had them momentarily airborne. She clutched at her seat, giving up the battle against her whipping hair and whipping skirt. He landed the car with a deft bounce, pushing their speed even faster as his cat ear beanie blew off his head to reveal a flutter of black hair.

Her gape intensified, eyes bugging and jaw slack.

"Gray?!"

"Hey."

He swerved around another turn and she lost her balance again, managing to right herself only with a great deal of flailing that might have only partially been due to his insane driving. A splutter bubbled inside her, erupting into a scream of "What the hell?!"

"We're saving you from a fate worse than death."

"You're overstating it a bit."

"It was Loke's idea."

"Loke?!"

Another curve in the road, another scream.

"Why were you wearing cat ears?!"

He groaned. "Wendy picked our disguises. Mira thought it was important that no one recognize us."

Lucy suspected that Wendy's choice in outfits might have had more to do with personal taste than diversionary tactics.

"Why does your magic look weird?"

He shoved his other sleeve up to show her a short block of purple runes adhered to his forearm. "Another disguise. Freed arranged it...He wasn't specific about how it'd change."

"Freed?! So the whole guild was in on this?"

"Most of it."

"Then why did you fight with Natsu...Wait. Never mind. I forgot who I was talking to."

"We didn't tell him. But he did help make it look realistic. You look nice, by the way."

She blushed, then looked away grumbling, "You messed up my hair."

A figure appeared beside her, curling wisps of smoke taking the shape of scarf guy, who quickly pulled free off his disguise, a mess of ginger hair exploding out of the drabness of the gray scarf which rippled into the back of the car. He shot Lucy a smile, slipping his arm easily about her waist under the pretense of conserving space on the narrow bench and holding her steady as Gray took another turn. "You look stunning."

"You look ridiculous."

He shrugged. "Humoring Wendy made her happy, and the disguise worked, so I can't complain." He lowered his voice and spoke into her ear, sounding far more sultry than the situation called for. "I apologize for draining all your magic, but it was a necessity."

"You're such a jerk."

He pulled back to smile again and held out a fist, which Gray bumped with his own.

"Next time, you carry her and I fight Natsu," he said.

"And you can disappear into the spirit world while I drive the getaway car and have some alone time with Lucy." Loke made a gimme gesture with his fingers. "Glasses."

Gray pulled off his aviator glasses and handed them over without slowing their progress. They immediately found a home on Loke's face. "These are unattractive."

"So what's the plan now?" Lucy asked.

"Now we go home. Mira said she'd have cake ready so you won't feel like you're missing anything."

"Back to the guild?"

"Yeah."

"But-" she blinked at Gray, then turned to blink at Loke. Neither of them seemed to recognize the problem in this plan. "That's the first place they'll look for me!"

Loke looked surprised.

"Why did you even bother disguising yourselves if we're just going straight back to the guild?"

Loke thought for a minute, then said, "Oh."

"No one really planned past this part."

"This is the worst rescue attempt ever," Lucy muttered.

"Well, you would know."

"Shut up."

"Don't worry," Loke said, stretching out his legs and turning his face towards the sun. "Someone will come up with something."

Lucy groaned and slouched down in her seat, half mourning the stupidly enthusiastic way her friends threw themselves into everything, half secretly looking forward to Mira's cake.