100%
Here it was again. The pain as unbearable as the last time but multiplied by 1000 fold. I was dead, at least inside I was. I was sitting at least that's what I think I was doing I couldn't pay enough attention to really noticed, that is until my best friend came to sit down beside me. I felt his arms wrap around my waist as his head fell into my lap and he sobbed. I have never seen Jacob like this I didn't understand this. Where was my carefree friend? Why did he have to hurt for my stupid mistake?
I didn't understand it. The loss was mine, all mine. The pain, the guilt, the anguish this was all mine. I was condemned to feel this for the rest of my existence I didn't have the choice of dying anymore, I would have to live through eternity feeling this gaping hole within myself. I felt the need to cry but once again no tears came. A dry sob broke through me. This wasn't what I expected at all, did whatever if anything higher up have some way to get back at someone as vile as myself? I didn't deserve to live, I didn't deserve an after life, and I didn't even deserve to stay where I was wallowing in my own agony. Because even if I felt like my insides were ripping me apart I still have Jacob with me. My Jacob, in the truest sense now he was my Jacob and no one else's. This realization hit me like a boulder. Someone that so obviously should not be mine was and the person he truly belonged to would never come back to reclaim him.
As I wrapped my arms around him I felt his warmth go trough me with a shiver. These feelings that I had stowed away so long ago were back. I didn't understand it I had no right to feel this way, not when this person didn't belong to me. He would never belong to me never again. Not after I threw him to the side and let his suffer for so long. Showing him I had my happiness when I took his away so heartlessly. I didn't think of him ever when I had my happiness and now that it was all gone I needed him to console me once more? I was a monster, not because of what I was, no my species had nothing to do with it. My personality was the blackest part of me, I didn't deserve to have love, and never would I deserve that once again. And this angel in my arms now deserved one so much more than I. He deserved someone that would make him happy and never bring along the fate that I was doomed to have for the rest of my life.
I cradled him in my arms and looked down at him. He was so hurt, my best friend, my son, my baby was hurt and it was all my fault. His sobs shook me and he was so thoroughly hurt that I knew there was nothing I could do to make him whole again. He was like me a piece of his heart would be forever missing never to return again. But he only had on piece while I had eight. Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmet, my family would never return. I forced myself to think those last three names, Alice my sister, Edward the love of my existence, and Renesmee my one and only child. They were the ones that took that burning in my heart and then poured acid all over it.
I took them all for granted, after our encounter with the Volturi I thought that it was all over that there would be nothing to disrupt our peaceful lives ever again. How was I supposed to know that I had to protect my family from myself? Was I expected to know that I would end up betraying my family in such a way that they would no longer be there anymore? My family was gone and in the place of it was a searing ache in place of where my stone cold heart should be.
"Shhh, Jacob its okay. Shh, you should get some sleep."
"Thanks Bells, but I don't think that I'll be able to sleep in a long time."
"Well at least try, for me please. I don't want to see you hurting so much for my stupid mistake."
At this Jacob turned around to stare at me.
"What do you mean your mistake? You didn't do anything. Nothing at all Bella. Don't blame yourself for this. It wasn't anyone's fault we just weren't strong enough for them."
"But that's exactly it Jacob I didn't do anything if maybe I helped then it wouldn't be like this if I didn't listen to Edward maybe you would still have Renesmee with you right now, maybe everything would be different."
"Bella stop talking like that. Even if you were there the same thing would have happened it's just that if you were there too then I would really have lost everyone."
Jacob was really being way too good for me. I didn't deserve him, I didn't help, I didn't save them, when I was probably the only one who could've I didn't. I can see it right now the old stone alleyways of Volterra surrounding me, holding me there in the darkness, Jane smiling wickedly at me while I was completely defenceless trying to protect my family. In the end I was the one who lost, Jane won she got to me and once I was out of the picture her twin proceeded with my loved ones. The only reason I was allowed to survive is because Aro had never seen anyone like me, he wanted me in his own little collection of giftedvampires.
