Prologue: Let Me Tell You.
Severus,
I am aware you will find it rather strange, these words coming from a person who should not exist, someone who must be long gone by the time this makes it to you.
I do not speak as the woman who once lived only to lead you to places we should have never been to, and I am not speaking to you as the person who never should have been present, regardless of these many circumstances that so insisted on our being together.
No, Severus, I am simply speaking to you, as the woman who did everything within her powers to stay.
I am speaking to you as a person who really did once exist, no matter how distant my memories must have become, no matter the time that must have passed, no matter if you still recall me, and I hope with all my being, that you do.
I hope you remember your Constance, Severus.
It is rather strange; for I have spent such long times only wishing I could reach finality, a resolution. Wishing I could finally let you know that all that perspired, was hardly only a facet of our dreaming. Unknowingly, I squandered all my time only wishing I could speak to you again.
So now when I find myself poised over this parchment, I really do find my lack of words strange. I should have imagined that I had endless ramblings just waiting to spill themselves, but on the contrary, I know not what to say.
Perhaps I could muse about those years I spent flashing back and forth, willing the universe to let me juggle my two lives without consequences. I should want you to know that the life with you was the better one.
It has always been the better one.
I could ponder on those moments when we deliberated between the dangerous balance of what was right and what we wanted. I could recollect all those instances which I still recall, for they seem to be the only strings attaching me to my conscious. There seems to be a vast ocean of all that I left unsaid, Severus, but I had so little time.
I always had little time.
Possibly, if I had come to terms with that fact, I may have pulled myself away.
But I didn't.
And I forgot how my actions would eventually have consequences. But I never imagined it would irrevocably ensnare us both. And among the hordes of excuses I have provided for which I should have offered apologies, accept this one, Severus. I am aware of your despise for empty justifications, and I do not know how to convince you that mine are anything but empty.
Empty. Despite its implications, it is quite a heavy word. It is how I felt after the pain passed. And it was relentless, all consuming pain, and yet I still did not welcome the emptiness. It would have been better to be dead, than live as a corpse. I can only pray the magnitude of your pain did not match mine. For I suspect the agony is what would eventually take me.
There are many things I want you to know. Much too many things I want to say to you. But it has always been so, and I still have such little time. So I shall only tell you some things I deem the most important, and I want only one thing of you, I only want you to believe me.
There was always such few things I had wanted in life. I never let myself want, it always ended unpleasantly. Every time I had wanted, I found myself in situations compromising, situations not of my making, and I suffered, Severus.
So I taught myself how to not want. And it only took one mortal for me throw my learning away.
You.
You were the only thing I ever wanted with the kind of ardor I tried to keep masked. And while my mind's eye remembers the manner in which you would display your contempt at my forwardness with my emotions, you must know I am being truthful.
And look at where that got me. With you, I always seemed to forget about the consequences.
And I will never know when my blatant want eventually morphed into a need. It was quite amusing, actually. I did not realize I needed you until the moment everything was taken from me.
And here is one of the things I want to tell you. As much as I denied it, I knew that sometime, some place, somehow, I let you become my everything.
And now, here is one more thing I want you to know. I am aware how fickle I shall sound, but I beg you to believe me. I know many of my actions must contradict what I am to say, but I assure you, every time I said it, I always meant it. And I want you to know that even as I write, I still mean it.
I loved you, Severus. I truly did.
And I really do not know if I still live while you live, but I assure you, the chasm between life and death would be an insignificant detail when it comes to this.
Yes, Severus, I still do. Wherever I am, I am still tied to you.
And I cannot apologize sufficiently for all that transpired despite my claims. Please believe when I say that there happened to be devastating amounts of occurrences that were out of my control.
I shall not -cannot- dwell on the many possibilities that were always a hairsbreadth away. I can speculate, but I cannot let my speculation take over. I beg you do the same, Severus. I do not wish for you to suffer. I beg you to not reside in the past anymore, for I know you must be burdening yourself doing so.
Severus, there will always be something more to tell you no matter how much I write. I might keep writing until I break.
And I am breaking, Severus, I am entirely falling apart.
And the aspect that tears at me is that there is nothing left I can do. I did a lot, but it was not enough, was it? Sometimes I ask of myself, if it was not enough, was it worth it?
But somehow if I was ever granted a second chance, I will willingly live through it all, again. And then I realize I have my answer. It was always here, the answer has always been yes.
Severus.
Among the multitude of things I want to tell you, here's just one more.
If given the choice, I would have still died, rather than come back.
Regards,
Constance.
A/N:
Hello and welcome to this new fiction!
I am aware my writing skills must have gotten quite rusty over the many years I battled my block. Apart from that, I wonder if I would have an audience from a long-dormant fandom?
Oh well. Please review and let me know if you smell potential in this story. I do have a rather notoriously complicated plot brewing within my brain, and I don't fully trust myself to write it satisfactorily.
But of course, I shall do my very best.
nexumie.
