DISCLAIMER: I do not own Lizzie McGuire or any of the characters in it (thank God!)

A/N: Okay I don't actually like Lizzy McGuire, so I'm kinda writing this fic cuz she's so preppy and I wish for her to deviate from that path...Quidditch Toned ass - Yum! Alexei Noire xXx :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 1: Matt's girlfriend~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{At the dinner table in the McGuire household}

Mum: So Lizzy, Matt - anything new at school today?

Lizzy: *chewing on a piece of broccoli* Well Miranda said she has a new boyfriend, and I'm sure it's not anyone I know, so he's either older than her or younger.

Dad: *raising eyebrows* You mean she might be going out with a high school guy?

Lizzy: It's possible.

Mum: *pours custard over Matt's burger* Well, Lizzy your father and I never want to see you with an older guy okay? I mean, guys that age are only interested in one thing - sex!

Matt: *rolls eyes* Duh

Dad: *slaps Matt on the head* Don't speak with your mouth full, asshole!

Matt: Whatever, faggot. Anyway people - I have an announcement to make!

Lizzy: Oh fuck, what is it now?

Mum: *gasps* Lizzy! Don't swear with your mouth full!

Matt: *clears throat and stands up on his chair* I have a girlfriend!

[Cold wind blows through dining room, followed by a tumbleweed rolling across the carpet]

Dad: What did you say?

Matt: *gets down from chair* I have a girlfriend, and she's no other than Miranda!

Mum: Miranda who?

Matt: *shrugs* I dunno her last name, I just know she's Lizzy friend.

Lizzy: *jaw drops* Holy SHIT! You can't be serious!

Matt: *smiling and ramming broccoli up his nose* I bloody well am, bimbo!

Mum: Now, now, Elizabeth, calm down - no need to get all worked up just because your little brother found someone before you did.

Lizzy: *standing up* Mum, this is SO not fair! I mean, I tried to jack Ethan Craft off in class but all he did was tell everyone we fucked! Boys are so pathetic!

Dad: *rests head on hands* So I guess this means you're gonna be a lesbian now? Your mother and I have been waiting for this day since the day you were born.

Lizzy: You...WHAT?

Mum: You heard us - we think you'd be better off with a woman. Matt can carry our family on, Miranda can carry his babies.

Lizzy: You two are SO fucking deranged! I'm gonna kill you both some day - all I needs is a Colt Python! Or at least a Rocket Launcher...

Dad: *casually* Well can you make sure you aim for my stomach, 'cause I want al my guts to spill out. It was my dream to hari-kari some day but *sighs* it never worked out.

Matt: Couldn't get it up?

Dad: *puts hands round Matt's neck* Why you little!

Mum: *clapping* You strangle him good Poppa!

Lizzy: *moans* I fucking hate this family!

[Exeunt]

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I know I'm too stupid for even bothering to post this up, but I hate stories like this or Arthur the Aardvark where people live such happy, utopian lives - so I fuck them up good!

Alexei Noire xXx

Plz Review, oooh and don't forget those flames!