"It is my greatest pleasure, as mayor of Gotham City, to announce our newest criminal reforms program."
There's a bustling murmur overcoming the crowd, but he raises his hands to silence it swiftly, "Each of these notorious criminals will be wed to an upstanding citizen of Gotham in the hopes of rehabilitation. There will be precautions set in place to prevent harm to the spouse and any criminal escapees. The court reconvenes in exactly one year from today, right here, to discuss their progress. Until then, God bless these brave citizens, and good luck to them. Mazel tov!"
Barbara sneered, "Why couldn't I have gotten Gordon? We do have the most history."
"Because no one else wanted Oswald." Lee said casually, nudging her with an elbow in attempts to get Barbara to smile at the flashing cameras.
Of course, she didn't need much prompting. She leered at Oswald and muttered insults before flipping her hair once with a smile. Barbara tossed her shoulder back and grinned like every photographer was there solely for her. She owned the stage and made sure that they knew it.
Oswald, on the other hand, looked absolutely affronted, his cheeks filling with hot air as he held in his rising temper. "Easy Oswald," Jim warned, one hand tightly gripping his arm, "Relax."
He ignored Jim, glaring at the blonde with malice when he snapped, "I'm sure everyone just jumped at the idea of marrying a psycho bitch who's only saving grace is her lackluster looks."
She bared her teeth and Lee and Jim had to hold them both back. "Fish breath."
"Declawed kitten!"
Ed snickered on the other side of Oswald, "I live to love but hate to live, I feed off passion but am always starving. I long for pain but hate its coming, I'm ever seeking but never finding. What am I?"
Bullock groaned, "Of all the nutty- why'd I have to get stuck with Nygma?"
"Jealousy." Ed replied, ignoring Harvey's complaining and offering a pleasant grin, "The answer's jealousy."
"Oh for crying out loud." Harvey barked, "I'm already sick of the damn riddles, imagine a year."
Jeremiah, for his part, stayed stoic as he stood beside Bruce. He never even flinched as the cameras flashed insistently in all of their faces. Bruce wondered how things would pan out for everyone. Not five minutes in they were already at each other's throats. He struggled with whether or not he'd made the right choice in agreeing to take Jeremiah on. They'd been friends once, but the history between them had long since soured. Bruce was, admittedly, very apprehensive. He saw Jeremiah's eyes flick to him for a split second before returning to the crowd gathered below the courthouse steps.
Well there was always hoping.
"We can't just leave them all in Arkham again." Jim said, swishing the coffee around his paper cup with a grunt.
Another debrief on the criminals of Gotham, another dollar, another day. These four never ceased to wriggle their way out of custody and jump right back into disrupting the peace and wreaking havoc. They'd all escaped a handful of times already. Each. It was rare to have all of them in custody at once though, and knowing what they could accomplish alone, what could they achieve locked away together?
"And what do you propose?" Harvey asked, looking up at his partner with an unimpressed glower.
Jim shrugged, "I don't know. A reform group? Cities have done that for criminals before right?"
"Yeah, with regular criminals Jim. These guys are lunatics."
"They're still people Harvey."
"People who would stab you in your sleep just for shits and giggles."
The commissioner held up a hand, "No, no he's got a point Bullock. They are still people, and Jim's right. We can't just lock them up again and hope that this time it all turns out okay. One day we'll run out of 'next times' and wish we had done something sooner."
Bullock snorted, "Well then what do you propose we do about it?"
"I was reading a story the other night..."
Harvey let his head fall back with an exasperated moan, "Here we go. More romance novels?"
Essen smacked him, "That's not the point. In the story, they handcuffed the two main characters, a mafioso and a cop, and forced them to work out their differences." she smiled, "In the end the mafioso gave up his life of crime to be with her. She helped him see the better side of the world and maybe that's just what these guys need."
"Handcuffs?"
"No," she scoffed, unamused, "they need a guiding figure to stand beside them and show them the better side of the world."
Jim frowned and chanced a glance up at her, "What are you suggesting?"
The commissioner's smile was one of devious delight and Jim immediately regretted asking. Shoulda just shut up and drank his coffee.
"Today marks Gotham's new beginning." The mayor continued, "These eight will be the first stepping stone to a bright new future. If the program is a success, we'll be looking into helping other inmates with this new method as well."
Jim yanked Oswald away from Barbara's reach with an irritated grunt. He could already tell this was going to be a long and stressful year. He might have bitten off more than he could chew really... but it was all in the name of cleaning up Gotham. Just like he'd promised Bruce he would do. He looked over at him now, almost startled by just how calm Bruce looked standing beside Valeska. He knew it was a long shot-calling Wayne in for a favor like this-and he still wondered if Bruce was too young for something like marriage, but Bruce had insisted on being of help and insistently pointed out that he was of legal age to marry.
The kid had moxy. He'd give him that.
"Just you wait until I slip free Penguin." Barbara sneered, "I'll gut you in your sleep."
"You won't." Lee stated simply, dangling a little remote in the palm of the hand furthest from her future spouse, "One wrong move and I zap you. Trust me when I say I'll use it as soon as you put even a toe out of line."
"I'll just have to kill you first then." she bit, the venom in her voice sharp enough to match a viper's.
Jim let the corner of his lip quirk for just a moment, projecting cockiness as he spoke, "If one of us gets hurt, anyone carrying in Gotham has the right to shoot their spouse on sight. Part of the deal. You go after us, try to kill us and escape, and anyone who sees you will shoot you down before you can try to talk your way out of it."
Edward's eyes widened, "Anyone with a firearm?"
"It'll be broadcasted right after this, and literally everybody in Gotham carries." Harvey smirked, "So I wouldn't try anything if I was you."
Ed lifted his cuffed hands to his chest, splaying one over his heart in mock offence, "Who, me? Wouldn't dream of such a thing, detective."
Bullock huffed, "Uh huh. Might as well start calling me Harvey too," he grumbled, "seeing as we're gonna be husbands in about ten minutes."
"My mother will never forgive me for getting married without her blessing." Oswald mumbled, mostly to himself.
Jim nudged him gently almost like reassurance, "She'll see it on the news. It's being broadcasted on every channel."
Oswald smirked, "She's going to want to meet you, you know. I hope you're prepared for an accosting."
"Then I'll make sure I'm ready for it."
"And now," The mayor said, voice booming with pride as he finished his speech about Gotham's safety and the strives he was taking to make the city a better place, "if everyone will head inside, we will proceed with the marriages."
Barbara snorted, "Can't believe I finally get my big day and it's going to be alongside you freaks."
Jeremiah was the one to speak this time, his face never changing from its default, muted expression, "The quicker we cooperate the quicker it will all be over."
Bullock shrugged, "Psychopath's right. Let's get this show on the road."
Edward kept in close steps with everyone as they all walked up and into the courthouse. He caught Harvey's sleeve hesitantly, "And after the year is up and they do the reevaluation, we're all free to go?"
"If you've proved yourselves to be upstanding citizens." Jim answered for him, "Otherwise it's back to Arkham."
"And the arranged marriages here today will be listed null and void?" Jeremiah asked.
"Yes."
Barbara scoffed, "So it's not even a real marriage?"
The group gathered before the office window in their respective pairs, Jim and oswald first and already scribbling their names onto the paper put in front of them.
Lee smiled sweetly, "It's exactly the same as a regular marriage, but the license expires in a year. You'd just have to come back and sign it again afterwards."
Barbara was curt as she grinned back, tense, "Like I'd want to stay married to you."
Oswald held their signed marriage license in his hands with an odd sort of relief. He didn't feel ready for something like marriage... he'd never even had a real relationship before, but he was thankful that if he had to, he'd been blessed with detective Gordon. He could have been forced off on someone like Bullock instead. Jim would at least be good to him, upstanding man that he was.
Harvey and Ed were next, stepping forward and taking up their pens. Harvey looked like it was a funeral rather than a wedding. He jotted his name onto the line and slipped the paper towards Ed, "I'm just going to bide my time and wait for the year to be up. Then you'll all go right back into Arkham where you belong."
"You don't think this will work?" Ed questioned, neatly printing his own name beside Bullock's messy scribble, "Why agree do it then?"
"I thought I was going to get Barbara." he admitted with a shrug.
The woman in question stepped up next with her new spouse, groaning, "Disgusting."
"We spent some time figuring out who was going with who." Lee said, accepting their license from the woman behind the desk. "These were the best scenarios."
Jeremiah's lip quirked as he elegantly scrawled his signature over his license with Bruce, "I believe it."
Bruce eyed him curiously, "You don't seem very bothered by this whole thing?"
"It's a minor detour en route to my final destination."
"You think I'll let you escape."
"I think," Jeremiah said, voice deep and sure, "that you won't be able to stop me."
Bruce frowned, and vowed to keep a very close eye on his soon-to-be husband.
Returning outside the courthouse, the couples held their certificates, and the mayor proudly grinned, "It is my pleasure, to present, for the first time, the scum of Gotham, married to our handpicked model citizens!"
Oswald and Edward started booing, disappointed, Barbara flat-out had to be held back, "Now see here, you slimy little-!"
