This was never going to be easy.

I have a lot of regrets, as far as regrets go. Some are mistakes, others, not so much. For example, I regret pushing away the one person who mattered to me the most, and making the mistake of trying to control her feelings. I won't deny what I did; it won't make me any happier, so I might as well admit to it, despite my pride. I called Lily Evans a mudblood.

Yes, I was angry. Yes, I was afraid. Yes, she called me a 'snake'. But what people fail to understand about snakes is that they never attack; they only act out in their own defense. I both overestimated and underestimated her intelligence - alas, she was smart enough to figure out that I was trying to keep her from James, but not smart enough to see why.

Perhaps I was selfish to think that I could stop him from tainting her with his views and ideals. I didn't want her becoming like him. I didn't want her to turn against me, like so many people had in the past. Why?

Because she knew my secret.

The one thing I never told anybody about myself. The one thing that saw me being cast out from my home, humiliated and degraded by my father, while my mother just stood there and agreed with him. I knew she was agreeing with him out of fear, but doing nothing made her just as bad.

Lily Evans was the only person I had opened up to and trusted, and it wasn't a natural occurrence for me to just relax around someone right off the bat. But she made me feel wanted, gave me hope that perhaps I wasn't so alone. She helped me understand - as much as was possible - that how my parents had treated me was wrong, and that I was 'too polite', or 'too scared' to stand up for myself or correct them.

That was where the problem started.

I grew far too attached far too quickly. I regret the obsession. I regret the possession.

I knew she would never fall in love with me; don't give me the tripe about having false hope or unrequited love. I knew what I wanted: I just wanted her to stay the same, and I felt like if she became involved with James Potter, she would change, abandon me, and quite possibly betray me. I was terrified.

As I said, and will continue to say, I know what I said was wrong. Not that apologising does an awful lot of good now, considering that both she and James are dead, and not that I'm trying to justify it, either, but I need to say what is on my mind. I need to express my emotions in the only way I know how; through writing.

Also, I am in no way attempting to portray myself as perfect, or requiring sympathy.

I know that my own arrogance is sometimes just as bad as - if not worse - than James Potter's, himself. If I had to describe how I view myself, I shall do it in the paragraph below:

Considering my past, I am aware that I may not have the best moral compass or personality, but I try to improve wherever I can. For example, I don't kill people unless absolutely necessary, and I protect those who deserve it. Those are my morals. Sometimes I can be somewhat narcissistic - I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong, and it takes months, sometimes years, for me to own up to it and apologise. Saying sorry is hard, and not holding a grudge is even harder. I have my problems, but so does every other human being, and I know that people have had it worse than me. Some people have been raped, physically abused, starved, tortured and imprisoned. I have only experienced mere fragments of what others have, but everyone's hardships are Everest to them.

What looks like a molehill to you, may be someone else's mountain. Just because you can climb over it, doesn't mean that everyone else can.

I have drawn the death and hangman cards more times than I care to remember, and while they may seem ominous to begin with, I know they have good intentions.

These cards are a fair reflection of myself; others always assume the worst when they take me at face value (it's not lost on me that I appear as a stereotypical 'villain' - the students remind me of this, enough), although taking a look at what is under the surface can reveal so much more, such as wisdom, and the courage to change.

I battle monotony and mediocrity every day of my life, and each passing day, I become all the wiser. Experience is still experience, regardless of whether it's good or bad - it's all useful somewhere.

But one of the toughest challenges I have attempted to stand up to for many years now, is getting people to listen first time. Stubborn children make stubborn adults, and it is difficult to convince such people not to make the same mistakes that I have. Not to have the same regrets, and the hardest thing to let go of is who to pin the blame on.

Harry Potter simply had to have the attention.

Draco Malfoy simply had to out-do him.

Hermione Granger simply had to establish her superiority.

Ronald Weasley simply had to be the loudest.

I have seen them all turn on one another at some point. I have seen them all blame one another when things don't go according to plan. Just as I have seen them all attempt to label people as strictly 'good' or 'bad', which is one of the biggest problems in society.

Now, I don't agree with he-who-must-not-be-named at all, but the one time I did was when he told me that there was no good, nor evil, only power, and those too weak to seize it. Obviously, he took the phrase literally, however I saw that phrase in a different context; it is very true that there is no good, nor evil. Nobody is one hundred percent 'good', and those who tell you that they are prove themselves not to be by lying about it. In a way, it was hard not to feel sorry for Tom Riddle, because he genuinely thought that what he was doing was the 'right' thing. All 'villains' are 'heroes' in their own stories.

As for power, it acknowledges the political hierarchy. The so-called 'System'.

Making subtle changes - as I do, if anyone has skimmed through my personal copy of 'Advanced Potion Making' - there is indeed no good, nor evil. However, I think that there is only the 'System', and those smart enough to play it. You have the standard, mediocre civilians who climb to a certain level and are satisfied, the crazed egomaniacs who climb over one another to scramble to the top, and the smarter folk, who either abandon the system, or play it in a way that mocks it. Politically, I'm neutral.

I keep my mouth closed, because the quiet man never says anything stupid. It's better to look the idiot, than to open one's mouth and prove it, and if my childhood has taught me how to do anything particularly well, it's to keep my thoughts and emotions to myself and not damage my dignity.

In short, I'm not good, I'm not bad, I just do what I think is right. I'm human.