Walkabout

Spoilers for OotP and some slash. If you have problems with either of these, please leave. If you flame me for either of those reasons, I will not be very happy with you.

"I hate this, Remus! I hate feeling so damned useless!"

Remus Lupin watched his friend pace around the musty room in Number Twelve,

Grimmauld Place. He knew that Sirius was unhappy, yet he couldn't help but feel that Sirius was overreacting. Things were moving better than anyone had dared to hope. Harry was safe, the Order was being rebuilt, and people were feeling far more hopeful than was to be expected. So Sirius wasn't out and about, constantly in danger. Remus thought that that was an improvement from the last war.

"Sirius, you're not useless," he said, trying not to sigh. "It's your house we're using for all of our meetings, I'd say that's useful."

"No, Moony. That just means that I happen to own a large building. It has nothing to do with me." Sirius continued pacing. "I need to do something, Remus! I need to make a difference!"

"You are making a difference, Sirius! If it weren't for you, we'd still be scrambling about, trying to find a place for the headquarters. Just because you're not in the spotlight and all over the newspapers doesn't mean you're not making a difference!"

Sirius stared at Remus like he had never seen him before. He blinked a few times, then shook his head. His pale eyes met Remus' amber ones. "Is that what you think this is about, Moony? Fame?" He shook his head. "You really don't know me at all, then." He turned and walked away from the werewolf, heading for the solitude of the upper levels of the house.

Remus sighed and stood. He knew he had to follow his friend; it was his responsibility to keep Sirius from getting too upset. He couldn't help but be slightly annoyed by his friend's antics, though. He was acting like a child, Remus thought, throwing tantrums when things didn't go his way. Sirius' tantrums were more vindictive than a child's, though. He hurt everyone around him with his words.

He walked up the stairs to the master bedroom, where Sirius stayed with Buckbeak. It was where he went to hide, when he was feeling conscientious and didn't want to bring everyone else down with his moods.

Remus opened the door. "Sirius," he called. "Sirius, may I come in?"

"You might as well," came the gruff reply. "You've already interrupted my peace, why not come in and make it even worse?"

Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Sirius had always been melodramatic, but it seemed Azkaban had made it worse, instead of maturing him some.

"Sirius, you're not useless. I'm sorry if that's what you think of yourself, but it's really not true. Nobody here thinks you're useless." Remus sighed. What he said wasn't entirely true, but it was true enough to make him feel justified in saying it.

Sirius looked at him. "Snape thinks I'm useless. He says so every time he comes here."

Remus let out a bark of laughter. "Since when have you cared what Snape thinks, Padfoot?" He asked, trying not to laugh too hard.

"I don't care what he thinks, dammit! It just irks me that he's right!"

"For Merlin's sake, Sirius, he's not right, and you're not useless! Stop this! You're being ridiculous!"

Sirius turned away, and Remus saw his back heave with the deep breaths he was taking. After a few deep breaths, Sirius turned to face him. He was smiling, if one could call it that. He moved closer to Remus, and wrapped his arms around the former professor. He put his head on Remus' shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Moony. You should just leave. You wouldn't have to put up with me then."

Remus stroked Sirius' long black hair. "It's okay, Padfoot. For all your flaws, I still love your company more than that of my dusty house."

Sirius moved his head so that his eyes were level with Remus'. "I love your house, Moony. It's wonderful." Sirius' face was close enough that his breath tickled Remus' face. Remus cupped Sirius' thin face with his hands. "What about the crazy loon who lives in that house, eh? What do you think of him?"

Sirius closed the distance in between them and pressed his lips to Remus'.

Their mouths moved together for a while, improvising a dance to the music that they had both known for so long. When Sirius pulled away, he whispered into Remus' ear, "The 'crazy old loon' in that house is what makes the house incredible. I love that 'loon' with all of my being."

Remus smiled into Sirius' hair. He inhaled the scent that he had loved since he was sixteen, glad that Sirius was here with him. He ran his hands up and down Sirius' back, making the other man shiver. Sirius had said he loved him. Remus had one reply.

"Prove it."

Remus backed Sirius towards the large bed. He could only think of one thing as he collapsed onto the mattress, Sirius beneath him.

'This is how it should be.'

Sirius lay in bed, his bare arms wrapped around Remus. They had made quite a mess of the bed with their activities; the sheets had taken up residence somewhere near the foot of the bed, and the blankets were twisted up and piled on top of the two of them.

He looked at Remus' sleeping form, wrapped around his own. Remus was smiling in his sleep. Sirius smiled to see the look on his lover's face. He was glad Remus at least was happy. He snuggled down further into the blankets, hoping that tonight he could sleep without the memories. His eyes fell closed, and he let himself relax. His mental fences slowly went down, and he thought that maybe he would really be able to sleep tonight. Just as he was almost relaxed enough to fall asleep, he felt the memories take hold of him.

"You worthless boy! Bloodtraitor! You are no son of mine, you worthless, useless lump! How DARE you shame your family like this! A GRYFFINDOR! How could you?"

Sirius cowered in front of his mother. He had been ordered home for Christmas in his first year, as he would be every other year until he left. His fears of being different from his family had been crystallized with his sorting into Gryffindor. Even his uncle Alphard hadn't been that different. Sirius' favorite uncle had been a Ravenclaw. His family had always treated him badly, that was just the way it was done in the pureblood families. Sons were supposed to grow up strong, they were expected to take anything that was thrown at them without blinking.

Sirius' schooling in the art of aristocracy had started early. When he was four, his toys were taken away and replaced with books and lessons. By the time he was six and a half, he knew French and Latin, was working on Greek, and had started taking physical training from a master his parents had found. The man was like a dictator, drilling the young Sirius from dawn until noon, when his school lessons started. Under the master's tutelage, Sirius learned fencing, hand to hand combat, and something his parents considered "discipline."

When he was seven, his training master started in with the 'real' training.

When Sirius made a mistake, his master would ridicule and insult him for hours.

When he was eight, Sirius made a mistake with his fencing. He left himself open for attack from the front, and his master attacked viciously.

Sirius' collarbone was broken during that lesson, and when he cried from the pain his parents were ashamed of him. They said he was shaming the family with his cowardice. Why couldn't he be more like his father?

When Sirius was eleven, it was time for Hogwarts. His family bought him all green and silver, and many things with snakes. The message was clear: "get into Slytherin or else." He had spent his first train ride to Hogwarts with his favorite cousin Bellatrix. Things had been lovely, until they arrived at Hogwarts.

When they had finally arrived at Hogwarts, Lucius had pulled him aside and told him that he "Wouldn't be surprised if you turned up in Gryffindor, with the other useless, pompous, do-gooders." Sirius had shaken his head rapidly and replied, "No! I won't! I won't be a Gryffindor, everyone knows they're a bunch of stuck up righteous pricks!" His high pitched little boy's voice pierced through the crowd, allowing many others to hear his tirade. Many of the heads in the crowd turned to glare at him, and Sirius knew he had managed to make enemies of the entire house of Lions on his first day. A short boy about his age standing near them glared at Sirius and walked closer.

"Do you have a problem with the house of my family, Black?" The boy spat. His glare was somewhat dimmed by his gold-rimmed glasses, but Sirius still felt that this was a boy he didn't want to cross. Yet, he had. He was caught between angering Lucius and angering this new boy with his steely hazel eyes.

In the end, he thought it would be better to ally himself with the older Lucius. He squared his shoulders. "Yeah, mange-boy. I have a problem with 'the house of your family.' You're a bunch of egotistical, feel good, happy-go-lucky idiots, with your heads so far stuck up your righteous asses you couldn't tell night from day if you tried. You're a bunch of Mudblood loving, freak breeding blood traitors!"

The boy glared at him. "I see. Well, if that's how you feel, I know where you'll be. Don't expect any friendship from me, Slytherin." The boy turned and walked away. Lucius grabbed his collar and pulled Sirius close. "You would do well to avoid that one, Black. Those Potters are awful bloodtraitors, as you so well remembered. Fall in line with them, and your family will have all the more reason to despise your lousy ass." Lucius let go of his collar, causing Sirius to stumble. The older boy stormed off, leaving Sirius alone.

Sirius was completely lost to his memories now; he didn't know if he was dreaming of if he was trapped in some waking nightmare, all he knew was this had happened every night for over a decade.

Remus' eyes stared at him from the bed; cold, accusing eyes that reminded Sirius so much of his mother. He had thought that was a look he only got from relatives, but here he was, again impaled on the frozen sword of accusation by one of his best friends.

"Remus," he whispered. "Moony?"

Remus just stared at him, not uttering a word. The amber eyes Sirius had seen so many times full of warmth and happiness were now frozen cold, and Sirius felt himself frozen in those eyes. He didn't think he could move even if he wanted to.

"Why?"

The one word from Remus snapped Sirius out of his trance. The raven haired boy blinked, his lashes almost heavy enough to keep his eyes closed forever. A single tear fell from his eye. He could not force himself to look at his friend.

"I don't know," he whispered. "I wasn't thinking, I didn't think that Snape would actually go.... I.."

Sirius looked pleading up at Remus. "I'm sorry." The words were spoken so softly, they almost went unheard.

The hard amber eyes didn't melt at all. Remus' voice cut through his heart like a jagged knife. "I don't think you are, Sirius. You don't even understand why you should be sorry, do you?"

"I do!" Sirius protested. "I do, Moony, you just have to-"

"Have to? I have to? What exactly do I have to do, Sirius? I have done everything I can for you, and this is what you do to me in thanks? Betray me to Snape? I don't have to do anything, Black. But I think you have to get out of here now, or I will kill you."

"Remus...."

"LEAVE!! I don't ever want to see your face again! GET OUT!!"

Sirius flew from his chair, staggering out the infirmary door. He came face to face with James and Peter, whose eyes were just as cold and unforgiving as Remus'. Sirius' eyes widened in horror. His mother looked out at him from the eyes of his friends. He bolted down the hall, away from his mother's accusing stare. He ran out into the pale frosted morning, out onto the Hogwarts grounds were he saw the sun rising. Its pale light fell on the frozen lake, and everything seemed washed of all color.

Sirius turned around and around, looking for some color in the world. He turned until he fell to his knees, and grasping his long hair, he screamed wordlessly into the world of grey.

"NOO!!" Sirius screamed, both in his memories and in his bed with Remus.

Buckbeak's head snapped up and the beast stared at him. Remus jerked and rolled off the bed, taking the blankets with him. He sat up and craned his neck to look at Sirius, who was gripping his hair and screaming. Remus sprang onto the bed and grabbed Sirius' shoulders, shaking him.

"Sirius!"

Sirius' head snapped up, the joints cracking with the sudden movement. His silver eyes stared up at Remus, full of fear and sadness. Remus felt like he had been hit with a brick. He had never seen eyes so full of bitter emotions as Sirius'. Sirius' fear and grief seemed to pour out of his eyes into Remus. Remus moved his hands from Sirius' shoulders to cup his face.

"Sirius.."

"I can't remember, Remus," Sirius whispered.

Remus frowned. "Can't remember what?"

"I can't remember anything but the bad. Everything bad.."

Remus' eyes widened. He wrapped his arms around Sirius and pulled the shivering man close. "Nothing?"

Sirius shook his head. "Nothing."

"Oh, Sirius. I'm so sorry."

Sirius' shoulders shook. Remus was horrified to feel wetness on his neck; Sirius was crying. He pulled the now sobbing man to his chest and wrapped a blanket around them both.

"Shh.." Remus whispered into his lover's hair. "Shh.. We'll remember it all together, love. Shh.."

Remus rocked Sirius until he stopped crying, and then craned his neck to look Sirius in the eyes.

"Do you remember when we met, Sirius?"

Sirius shook his head. Remus smiled encouragingly at him. "Let's lie down, and I'll tell you."

Remus talked late into the night, holding Sirius close the whole time. He smiled when Sirius finally feel asleep, then tucked the blankets around them both and went to sleep as well.

Sirius sat alone in his kitchen. Remus had left early in the morning, before Sirius had woken. He had left a note on Sirius' pillow. The note read:

"I'm sorry I have to leave, Sirius. Order business, I should be back within the day. Be careful, Padfoot."

Sirius stared at the note. He wished Remus had woken him. He wanted to be something more than an obligation to Remus, more than something to be fixed when needed, then left alone until broken again.

He sighed, and stood up. He thought he should dust something, or maybe beat the dust out of one of the old rugs. While beating the rugs would be completely useless, it would make him feel better. He pushed his chair in and left the kitchen. As he walked up the stairs, contemplating beating the dust out of the Black family tapestry, he heard an animal scream from upstairs.

"Buckbeak? What on earth?"

He sprinted up the remaining stairs to his mother's room to see what was wrong. He opened the door and saw Buckbeak struggling to stand properly; on closer examination he saw the handle of a kitchen knife protruding from Buckbeak's left haunch.

"Buckbeak!" Sirius rushed towards the creature, making sure to bow before approaching the frightened animal. Buckbeak whimpered at him and laid his large head on Sirius' shoulder. Sirius wrapped his arms around the beast's neck, stroking the feathers there. "Shh, Buckbeak. It's all right. I'll fix it."

He moved around to examine the wound, Buckbeak's large orange eyes staring at him the whole way. He placed his hands on Buckbeak's back, near the wound, to make sure the creature wasn't going to maim him if he checked the wound. When

Buckbeak didn't move, Sirius moved his hands and looked more carefully at the injury.

It was one of the small knives, he determined. Probably a steak knife. Looking at it, he thought he could probably pull it out without risking Buckbeak bleeding to death. He met the animal's eyes. "Buckbeak, mate, this is going to hurt."

Swiftly, so the beast wouldn't guess what he was doing, Sirius braced one hand on the Buckbeak's back, gripped the knife in the other hand, and pulled it out.

Buckbeak screamed and bucked, kicking Sirius in the thighs and sending him flying across the room, knife in hand. Buckbeak glared at him from the other side of the room. Sirius glared right back. He felt like his legs were broken.

They stayed like that for a few seconds, man glaring at beast. Then, Buckbeak cocked his head at Sirius, and walked over to him. Sirius had fallen over and was lying flat on his back on the floor. He was thinking about trying to stand when he came face to face with Buckbeak. The creature stared down at him, then nudged his side with his beak. The message was clear: Get up! I have a hole in my side, fix it! Sirius grumbled and sat up. He felt his legs, and deciding it was safe to stand, got up. Looking at Buckbeak, he whistled. "Nice legs you got there, my friend. I thought you had broken my thighs for a moment there."

"Who broke your thighs, Sirius? I though that was a job reserved for me."

Remus' head poked through the door, grinning. When he saw the scene in the room, however, his grin faded. "What happened?"

Sirius held up the knife, and Buckbeak huffed at him. "This was stuck in Buckbeak's side. Kreacher, the little bastard. Couldn't be anyone else."

Remus sighed. "We really should do something about him, I think."

Sirius glared at him. "No, really?"

"There's no reason to get snappish, Sirius. I just made a comment."

"A comment I have been making since the moment I set foot in the moldy old hell hole."

"It's not that bad, Sirius. I lived in worse when you were gone."

Sirius opened his mouth to reply when a shout echoed from downstairs.

"Remus! Get your ass down here!"

Remus looked at Sirius one more time, then stormed off down the stairs. Sirius glared at him, wondering where the happy greeting had gone. "Well, Remus, I love you too," he muttered, then trudged down the stairs after him.

Sirius wondered what the hell was going on; the kitchen seemed to be in complete chaos.

"Tonks, you'll be covering the left side. Remus, make sure you don't forget anything. Kinsley, you know the drill." Alastor Moody was ratting off orders as though he was preparing for a battle. Moody looked up at Sirius as he entered the room. "Sirius, you stay here. Dumbledore's due any minute, you'll have to tell him we went to find Harry."

Sirius went white as a sheet. "Why does Harry need finding? If there's finding to be done, I'm coming."

Remus spun around. "You most certainly are not! What are you thinking? We're going to the Ministry, you'll surely be caught!"

"If I get caught, it'll be worth it! I promised James and Lily I'd take care of their son, I'm going!"

"No, you're-"

Moody stepped in. "Actually, it may be useful to have you along, Sirius. You were an Auror before Azkaban, I know, I trained you. Your kind of instincts don't go away, it might be good if you came. Use your dog form; though the Death

Eaters may know about it, the ministry does not."

Remus glared daggers at Moody. The man was known for crazy plans, but this was completely out of line. He opened his mouth to speak his mind, but Kinsley beat him to it.

"All right then! Everyone ready?"

The group minus Remus nodded, Sirius grinning from ear to ear. Remus scowled even more, and stormed after Moody. If Sirius wanted to get himself caught, fine. He would have to do it without help from Remus. He would ignore Sirius completely, and do his job.

Sirius was exhilarated; he hadn't felt this alive, this useful in years. Not only was he helping to save Harry, he was dueling with his god be damned cousin, Bellatrix. The two of them had been at each other's throats for years before Azkaban. Now, he was dueling with her again, and it felt just like the old days.

"Come on, you can do better than that!" Sirius yelled at his cousin.

It turned out she could. Bella's next spell hit him square in the chest.

Sirius felt his mind slipping away; the bitch had Stunned him. He knew that

Bella would kill him if he passed out, but he was more concerned about what would happen to Harry if he was out of the fight. He fell backwards, worrying about what would happen in the time before he woke up, but he didn't have long to wonder before he was engulfed in darkness.

Sirius came around slowly. The first thing he noticed was his legs hurt like hell. What the? Oh yes! Buckbeak kicked me, damn him. He wondered if he should open his eyes. He was almost certainly back at Grimmauld Place, doubtless with Dumbledore hanging over him, waiting to tell him off. Once Dumbledore was done, Remus would probably have a go at him, then not speak to him for weeks. Sirius thought that staying asleep might be the wisest course. He settled down to go back to sleep.

"Sirius Black."

Sirius shifted. Okay, now, that was not the voice of anyone I know. Have I been caught? His eyes flew open at the terrible thought. He looked around and saw... Nothing. This only served to further his panic.

"You are Sirius Black?"

"Yes!" His voice cracked. "That's me! Sirius Black!"

"There is no need to panic. We mean you no harm."

"We? You're a we? What's we about you? I can't even see one of you, how can there be a we?"

"Calm yourself, Sirius Black. We are here to show you who you are."

"Show me who I am? I bloody well know who I am! I thought we had established that!"

"Do you? Do you remember yourself as you used to be, Sirius?" The voice was less ethereal now, more human sounding. Sirius turned around, trying to find the source of the voice.

"Do you remember us, Padfoot?" Sirius turned, and found himself face to face with James Potter. His jaw dropped, and his mouth worked. He tried to speak, but no sound came out. He finally managed a wheezed "James."

James nodded. "Yes, Sirius."

Sirius stared. "James. How did you get here, where are we? James..." Sirius stepped closer to his friend and reached out to touch him. He tried to grip his friend's shoulder and was horrified when his hand went right through. "James! What is this?"

James shook his head. "Not yet, Sirius. It isn't your time."

"It wasn't your time either, but you still died! Why! It's not fair!"

"Few things are, Sirius. You must simply accept that it was my time, and leave it be."

"No.."

"We are not here for me, my friend. We are here for you."

"What do you mean, here for me?"

"You are here to remember, Padfoot."

A.N. CLIFFY!!!!! Woohoooo!!! Anyways. This will be continued. (duh) Please review? It would make me happy.........